OWs: Why is your MM cheating on his W with you??

[Gwyneth]

Gwyneth-you seem to be changing your tune a bit, being more open eyed about the most likely reality, in most situations. Is it from reading the LS posters experiences-or did you feel this way all along?

 

I've felt this way all along, which is why I think someone had asked if I'm playing the player. I'm not going into this thinking, "oh yeah, he's soo unhappy and he's gonna leave her for me," because let's face it, that is living in a dream world. Hey, anything is possible, but I am not so sure I'd even want him more than just a friend with benefits.

 

If he happens to fall in love with me and decides to leave his wife for me, he has to realize that he painted a picture for me that basically said "I'm not leaving her, so let's just have fun," and so that's how I have been viewing our relationship--as fun. So I'm not trying to hurt him. He'd have to Really prove a Really great guy for me to end up married to him. Then again, I can marry any John Doe on the street and end up being a BS.

[american-woman]

My H said it was`nt me that it was him. He said he had problems. The only problems I saw that he had was drinking and not coming home at night. Mine stated he liked to do what HE wanted to do no matter what the price was.

I should have paid more attention to when we first met, he was a cheater then, I did`nt, I was blind. I know now mine was a serial cheater.

[sadbuttrue]

when MM and i first started seeing each other it was soley as friends. we have a lot in common and could talk forever about anything. we understand each other i think. i do not think he was looking to have an affair. he has never done so before, and i really dont think he would do it again if we stopped seeing each other.

 

of course soon the attraction we felt for each other was growing so fast that we did begin a physical affair. when it first started i assumed it would be only about sex, i knew i could get hurt if i fell for him. i thought i could keep my heart out of it, but i couldnt.

 

we both fell in love with each other. i do believe he loves me. he has never told me that his W was horrible or anything. he actually has said that she is good to him. he has told me that he is more attracted to me, but that means little to me. he has told me that i make him feel alive again though.

 

i think we are meant for each other, whether our lives play out that way or not, i couldnt say, but i doubt it. he has told me that he wished we could have met before he was married.

[nadiaj2727]

Mine started as an EA, but once it became physcial, we were even more hooked because it was so incredible. I don't understand how the connection I had with a MARRIED man felt deeper and more powerful than any connection I'd had with any single guy. I guess it has something to do with the excitement and illicitness of an affair. I KNOW that it wasn't true love, which is built on a much stronger and purer foundation over time, but it was definitely quite an attraction. When I think about it my heart goes BOOM BOOM and I remember how easy it was to give into those feelings.

 

It seemed impossible at the time to resist. Now I have a lot of RATIONAL reasons to resist, and I know it was a toxic relationship that was very bad for me, but I still have that little feeling of a strong connection in my heart reminds me that I really did think I was doing the right thing (following my heart) in the beginning. Luckily when my head wizened up, I listened to something besides my romantic ideas and my raging hormones. But man that connection was powerful!!

[frannie]

Do you believe it's because of you? that you were meant to be together... you just met at the wrong time?? Is it "the real thing" to you? Is it "the real thing" to him?? Does he see who you really are, and love who he sees? Or is he looking at something else??

 

Do you think he was just bored and restless, sick of the same ol' same ol', and looking for some excitement - something to make him feel alive again? Is he really miserable at home and looking for an escape?

 

I think he would have cheated with someone at some point anyway. Because in the beginning he says it was 'all about sex', this despite the fact we didn't even meet up for a year, what it was was he wasn't getting enough sex, conversation, love or attention at home. So he was looking outside.

 

When we hooked up, it became more about other things. He fell in love, which he wasn't intending. Because he had no intention of leaving, breaking up his family, he just knew he wasn't happy or getting what he needed at home. I don't know why he didn't make attempts to rectify that without stepping outside his M. He claims he did, but it's only now he's really making an effort to look at himself and wonder why all this happened.

 

I don't believe in all that, 'meant to be together' stuff. He's far more romantic in that way. He talks about me being the one he should be with, and I think he believes it, but he does nothing whatever to change that. So I really have to take it with a pinch of salt. Only when he manages to untangle his own thoughts and feelings will he or I or anyone know what's going on with him.

 

He does know who I really am. After 3.5 years and many many days and nights spent together he knows my good and my bad, up and down and everything else. And yes he does love me. The question is, for me, does he love himself enough to do anything about that..? Because he does love me, but he doesn't care for me, and is OK with my hurting as long as his world isn't disturbed.

 

I'm not saying he doesn't bend over backwards to please me, to see me, to show in any way he is capable of (which doesn't include leaving) that he loves me. We spend more time together than many single dating people I know. And in many ways have a 'real' relationship.

 

I don't think he is looking for an escape from his life (with his family). I think for the most part his life suits him, and if he could, he'd love for it to continue just as it is (cake-eating). Only he knows and can see that that's just not possible. Just reading my words here would show anyone that... 'love' can't survive often in these circumstances. So if he really loves me, then things need to change. It's all down to him.

[Love is Tragic]

I think there were many variables involved in why my MM(now exMM, apparently) and i became involved in an EA/PA. A large factor was loneliness, he was away on business, away from the W, the kids, etc-spending 5 nights a week in a hotel in a small town, with nothing to do. We spent a ton of time together, talking and sharing tidbits about each others lives, which eventually turned to flirting, and then.. you know. He had told me that him and the W still have sex, but not often, a couple times a month maybe-and that when their second child was born, she went a year and a half not wanting sex at all.

 

Plus, add to that the fact that he was getting exciting, illicit sex with me, and that we did things that his W would never do-sex was boring with her he always said, and it was always the same. And of course, he was getting all kinds of attention and ego-stroking from me, and since he was around me more than he was her, it was easy to make the fantasy "transition". And of course, the connection between us was so strong and so nearly magical(as corny as that sounds), it was impossible to deny.

 

Another factor had to be that he was in another town, hours away from the W and family, and he did it because he could-and because he could get away with it. And we had no idea it would last as long as it did. Figured it would be a one-night stand and then id never see him again as he thought his work assignment was over with. Later he told me he volunteered to stay away from home so that he could be with me as long as he could stretch it out. Its all bullsh*t now, obviously, but what we had was incredible.

[PoshPrincess]

Do you believe it's because of you? that you were meant to be together... you just met at the wrong time??

 

For me and my exMM, it was obviously the wrong time - or under the wrong circumstances anyway! He was a MM; it never should have happened.

 

Is it "the real thing" to you? Is it "the real thing" to him??

 

At the time we both thought it was the real thing. For me, it is still the real thing. I love him with all my heart. As for him, who knows? Maybe now he realises that he just thought it was the real thing because he was swept away by the emotion and excitement of it all. I doubt I will ever find out.

 

Does he see who you really are, and love who he sees? Or is he looking at something else??

 

He more-or-less knew me. I was probably more honest with him than with anyone else in my life, particularly with regards to my feelings for him. The only thing was that he saw me as this strong, independent woman, which in a way I am, but then when things ended I fell apart and he now knows I'm not quite as tough and 'together' as he once thought.

 

Do you think he was just bored and restless, sick of the same ol' same ol', and looking for some excitement - something to make him feel alive again?

 

Kind of. It was probably a case of same old same old with his W. I wouldn't say he was actively 'looking' for excitement. It's only once we got together that he realised that was what had been missing in his life. Our relationship wasn't about sex - it was more the emotional connection than the physical although we were physically attracted to each other from the start. He had, apparently, noticed me months before but thought I was way out of his league (DAMN RIGHT!!! !)

 

Is he really miserable at home and looking for an escape?

 

It doesn't appear that he was looking for an escape - he's still there after all. He certainly didn't use me to get away from the W but maybe subconsciously I was what he needed to realise what he really had at home (although it doesn't appear that he HAS realised anything). Yes, he was miserable, maybe just stuck in a rut, I don't know, but like I say, I don't think he realised how bad things were since we got together and he noticed what had been missing from him R with his W.

 

They are ALL a bl**dy mystery! I would LOVE answers but I am never likely to get them now. Most of the above I only have HIS word for at the end of the day.

[Lizzie60]

Do you believe it's because of you? that you were meant to be together... you just met at the wrong time??

 

It is because of me... he said he fell in love with me even before we started to get together or even talk.

 

Is it "the real thing" to you?

 

Not at all.. I am not in love with him.. he's very nice, good lover but that's about it.

 

Is it "the real thing" to him??

 

It would be if it was for me I guess... he knows where I stand. It was on the table the first time we even had sex. I was straightforward.

 

Does he see who you really are, and love who he sees? Or is he looking at something else??

 

He's looking at something else for sure.. he has no idea who I am..

 

Do you think he was just bored and restless, sick of the same ol' same ol', and looking for some excitement - something to make him feel alive again? Is he really miserable at home and looking for an escape?

 

He's not miserable at home.. in fact, I think he's quite happy (except for the sex part)... when we had sex for the first time, he was 'hooked' right away.. LOL... I know how to make a man feel irresistible...

 

And to the many BS's who frequent this OM/OW forum... What do you think drove your H to cheat on you?

 

I am not a BS but I can say that most W become BS because of their boring sex life...

 

Is it some character flaw within him? Was he unhappy in the M? Was there anything you could have done to prevent it?

 

It could be a lot of things.. but my bet is that MM want excitement, more sex, they are not necessarily unhappy in their M, some are quite happy, but they just want more sex or 'hotter' more exciting sex, with the lingerie, the candles, the bubblebath, etc...

 

And that was for MM #1...

[White Flower]

Do you believe it's because of you?

He told me when I walked into the lounge that first night something stirred inside him and after a couple of courage building drinks he made his way over to me.

that you were meant to be together... you just met at the wrong time??

We both felt we were meant to be together personality/lover wise, yet he always regrets the timing and age difference. I do not.

Is it "the real thing" to you? Is it "the real thing" to him??

We both felt the soul-mate thing immensely, yet I don't believe he sees it as the real thing. If he did, he wouldn't keep me a secret. It could have been the real thing for me; I would have turned my life upside down to be with him. For him, we are living in a dream world.

Does he see who you really are, and love who he sees? Or is he looking at something else??

Yes, yes, and yes. I believe he struggles with this last thing. I feel he knows me and loves me, yet I also feel he knows this A hurts me because he wouldn't turn his world upside down for me.

Do you think he was just bored and restless, sick of the same ol' same ol', and looking for some excitement - something to make him feel alive again? Is he really miserable at home and looking for an escape?

This is the most perplexing thing. At first, I heard all kinds of phrases, like, "I'm unhappy at home......went to MC.....told her I didn't love her.....", etc. Yet, all I see is happy smiling faces in pictures, stories of their wonderful life together, how they are really there for each other and so on. They weren't having sex, now they are; that was a biggie for me. At first, I allowed myself to believe that I was doing her a favor by sleeping with him because it was painful for her or whatever. Now that they are medicated and back at it, well, what does he need me for? It would hurt him to know I felt this way, but it doesn't really matter now since I've decided to end it.

I do think he was bored and restless. He may have been tired of her, but not to the point of wanting to leave her. I think that as an older man, he knows himself better and knows who he is really attracted to. Yet, he is a romantic at heart and would hate to lose the lifetime with her and the storybook ending she provides for him.

Yes, I think I make him feel alive. I think I give him an escape. But these things are temporary; a quick fix. I need someone more permanent. It was hard for me to realize all of this, but it is sinking in.

 

And to the many BS's who frequent this OM/OW forum... What do you think drove your H to cheat on you? Is it some character flaw within him? Was he unhappy in the M? Was there anything you could have done to prevent it?

My H had an EA (as far as I can prove). I think it was a flaw within himself. He needed hero worship and she needed a hero. At the time he wasn't there for me and I wasn't praising him enough. He is a narcissist so he wants to be praised for breathing.

I tried everything I could to prevent it. I spent more time at our business, I did extra things for him, I drove him wild in bed. The latter plus MC ended the rel as far as I could see, but it didn't stop his narcisstic ways and he still shut me out. So eventually I sought my own happiness elsewhere. In a nutshell.

[White Flower]

For me and my exMM, it was obviously the wrong time - or under the wrong circumstances anyway! He was a MM; it never should have happened.

 

 

 

At the time we both thought it was the real thing. For me, it is still the real thing. I love him with all my heart. As for him, who knows? Maybe now he realises that he just thought it was the real thing because he was swept away by the emotion and excitement of it all. I doubt I will ever find out.

 

 

 

He more-or-less knew me. I was probably more honest with him than with anyone else in my life, particularly with regards to my feelings for him. The only thing was that he saw me as this strong, independent woman, which in a way I am, but then when things ended I fell apart and he now knows I'm not quite as tough and 'together' as he once thought.

 

 

 

Kind of. It was probably a case of same old same old with his W. I wouldn't say he was actively 'looking' for excitement. It's only once we got together that he realised that was what had been missing in his life. Our relationship wasn't about sex - it was more the emotional connection than the physical although we were physically attracted to each other from the start. He had, apparently, noticed me months before but thought I was way out of his league (DAMN RIGHT!!! !)

 

 

 

It doesn't appear that he was looking for an escape - he's still there after all. He certainly didn't use me to get away from the W but maybe subconsciously I was what he needed to realise what he really had at home (although it doesn't appear that he HAS realised anything). Yes, he was miserable, maybe just stuck in a rut, I don't know, but like I say, I don't think he realised how bad things were since we got together and he noticed what had been missing from him R with his W.

 

They are ALL a bl**dy mystery! I would LOVE answers but I am never likely to get them now. Most of the above I only have HIS word for at the end of the day.

Nice post, POSH. It so reminds me of my own story.

[White Flower]

1) His penis drove him to cheat.

2) Yes, it is a character flaw. I was in the same unhappy marriage and I didn't even think of cheating as he is the only man I wanted and loved.

3)You can't stop and adult from doing something they have made up their minds to do, as evidenced by ow who decide to get involved with MM. No one can talk them out of what they believe is right.

I am so effended by this. And I'm sure that most men are, too. You keep referring to penises and wee willy winkies throughout these forums and threads. It just feels sick to type that. Not every man is thinking with his penis. A lot of men have broken hearts, too, and are looking for love. If I ended the passionate part of our A today, he would be totally happy continuing with the EA. He has actually proven that to me before.

 

I am sorry that your husband cheated on you. I'm sorry that you are hurt. But this thread was directed to OW. I know it is an open forum, but at least have the dignity to enter a room that you were invited to enter. I anticipate that you'll use my own words against me by saying something like I wasn't invited into your marriage bed and yet I entered it. And I'll admit that I entered into my MM's heart, but he invited me. And did so with his heart.

[Lyssa]

Do you believe it's because of you? that you were meant to be together... you just met at the wrong time??

 

I don't about meeting at the wrong time - could be, seeing that he was married when we got to know each other. I don't know if it was because of me back then.. he could have had an A with someone else if I didn't enter the picture.

 

Is it "the real thing" to you? Is it "the real thing" to him?? Does he see who you really are, and love who he sees? Or is he looking at something else??

 

It's the real thing for both of us. He sees me as who I really am. He knows me so effing well that I am beginning to hate that!!! He knows what I am about to say and vice versa. He loves me for who I am - bad and good.

 

Do you think he was just bored and restless, sick of the same ol' same ol', and looking for some excitement - something to make him feel alive again? Is he really miserable at home and looking for an escape?

 

I really don't think he was looking for some excitement such as a woman to screw with because from the beginning I told him I wasn't interested in that. It started with an EA and much later it became physical. I believe I made him feel alive again and he did the same for me. They both know things are not the same anymore (can't really tell how miserable they both are as I didn't really ask) for a long time and they came to an agreement to get a divorce - which is something he has spoken to her about a couple of times during their M.

[OpenBook]

For me, it is still the real thing. I love him with all my heart. As for him, who knows?

 

I hear you Posh. I'm facing exactly the same thing. But I haven't entered into any kind of A with him yet. I don't know how genuine his interest is in me... but I do know it is not the same way I feel about him. I see danger signs all around him. And that's mainly what's stopped me in my tracks.

[OpenBook]

I am not a BS but I can say that most W become BS because of their boring sex life... my bet is that MM want excitement, more sex, they are not necessarily unhappy in their M, some are quite happy, but they just want more sex or 'hotter' more exciting sex, with the lingerie, the candles, the bubblebath, etc...

 

Lizzie do you think that if the MM got that at home from their W's, they wouldn't cheat? Or they ARE getting that at home -- and they STILL cheat?

[OpenBook]

I am so effended by this. And I'm sure that most men are, too. You keep referring to penises and wee willy winkies throughout these forums and threads. It just feels sick to type that.

 

Here on LS is the first time I've ever seen that term. It's kind of weird, but funny at the same time. Men take their penises SO seriously and they expect us to as well... so I can understand the cavalier attitude in throwing that term around.

 

I am sorry that your husband cheated on you. I'm sorry that you are hurt. But this thread was directed to OW. I know it is an open forum, but at least have the dignity to enter a room that you were invited to enter.

 

Actually, the second part of my litany of questions in my first post invited the BS to respond as well. She has every right to be here and post her views, same as you. Although - I still reserve MY right not to agree with some of the opinions expressed!

 

I'll admit that I entered into my MM's heart, but he invited me. And did so with his heart.

 

And this is why I do not judge and condemn the OW role. Typically, we're INVITED. And it involves our hearts. But this is also one of the reasons why I fear marriage so much. Why put all those YEARS of work into keeping your H happy when all he's going to do down the road is open his heart to someone else? Seems like a poor investment to me.

[justice]

My exH had lots of internal flaws, mostly though, he was thinking with his penis and not his brain. When he realized what he had done, it was too late and I had kicked him to the curb, he still begs til this day for us to get back together. Too Bad. It isn't happening EVER. If he really has changed and regrets his actions fine, what he did is something he will carry with him for the rest of his days.

[Lizzie60]

Lizzie do you think that if the MM got that at home from their W's, they wouldn't cheat? Or they ARE getting that at home -- and they STILL cheat?

 

some do get everything at home... and still cheat... but MOST get boring, automated sex... no lingerie (their wife think they look goofy or too fat)... no French kissing (they love that)... a few hardly ever get BJs...

 

They are like big 'babies'..

[White Flower]

 

Actually, the second part of my litany of questions in my first post invited the BS to respond as well. She has every right to be here and post her views, same as you. Although - I still reserve MY right not to agree with some of the opinions expressed!

 

You're right, I forgot about that part. But she does enter many threads where she isn't invited. I feel sorry for her, though. It is obvious she was deeply hurt. I wish that they could have worked things out and that there was more forgiveness on both her and her H's end. Maybe it was the seeing everything in terms of black and white that prevented that? I wonder if she ever posted her entire story from the beginning? Sorry to talk about you BNB as if you are not in the room.

 

OB, tell us about your prospective MM...

[White Flower]

some do get everything at home... and still cheat... but MOST get boring, automated sex... no lingerie (their wife think they look goofy or too fat)... no French kissing (they love that)... a few hardly ever get BJs...

 

They are like big 'babies'..

This is exactly the kind of thing I hear from my MM. I think he couldn't be happy enough if she wore sexy lingerie every single night. He bought her the sweetest get-up almost two years ago and she only wore it once. He'd hoped that she would wear it and things like it all the time. And she has a killer body, so it's not like she doesn't have the confidence. And when she did wear it, he may have gotten the automated sex.

 

I have less confidence (goofy and fat), but have no problem wearing the sexy get-ups. If it pleases him and I see that he is turned on, then I become more confident.

 

He loves the French kissing and he made me love it. Damn, I can't be successful in leaving him if I keep talking like this...

 

Hope this helps any W who wants to keep her H at home and faithful.

[White Flower]

Why didn't he dress up for me? Why didn't he do the things I like? Why doesn't he dress up in sexy lingerie(Boxers, bikinis, nothing) for me. He slept in old pajamas and a head scarf:lmao: It doesn't change the fact that he is going bald.

That is actually a very good point. I suppose it boils down to the fact that men adore women who dress up because men are visual creatures. Women adore men for how the man can make her feel because we are more into the senses and touch. We care more for how they feel and smell and taste, etc. But it would have been nice of your man to wear newer pajamas and take off that head scarf!

[Lyssa]

That is actually a very good point. I suppose it boils down to the fact that men adore women who dress up because men are visual creatures. Women adore men for how the man can make her feel because we are more into the senses and touch. We care more for how they feel and smell and taste, etc. But it would have been nice of your man to wear newer pajamas and take off that head scarf!

 

WF, I agree with you on men being visual creatures and most women adore men for the way men make their women feel. As for me, I dress up for him and he dresses up for me - when we go out etc. When in bed, I usually dress up for him and so far, he has no complains on my choice of lingeries. I don't think he expects me dress up for him all the time but it's nice to do that for him now and then. Oh yes... I can a whole lot more on how he feels and smells...

[Lyssa]

I guess the problem with my thinking and the whole VICTORIA SECRET bit, is that as long as I was just his wife, he viewed me as a woman. When I had his kids, he viewed me as a mother and the interest waned. It didn't matter that I kept myself looking the same for 20 plus years. It didn't matter that I worked out 5 days a week so that I didn't let myself go.

 

I'm sorry.. your H must have been unappreciative of your effort to stay looking good.

[Lyssa]

Don't be sorry, just stating a fact. To appreciate someone else, you must first appreciate oneself. He can't love me, or anyone, until he loves himself.

 

That's how it should be. Please, love and appreciate yourself first.

[smartgirl]

He was unhappy with our life together. I was depressed. He was stressed at work. He wanted to know "is this all there is"?

 

We drifted apart emotionally. I was always angry at him because he was all talk and no action. He was withdrawing from me because he felt that I wanted more than he had to offer.

 

He met an attractive girl at work. Somehow they got around to telling each other about a mutual attraction. Can't say they were friends first, because they hadn't even known each other outside of work ever, and she had just joined the company.

 

But he needed someone to talk to. He couldn't talk to me. I wasn't listening because my own needs weren't being met. His EA forced us both to take a good look at ourselves and make the needed changes accordingly.

 

So, yes, he was unhappy in the M. There was nothing that I could do to prevent it. He was too active a participant in anything that he felt I was making him unhappy with as I was unhappy too. Were it not for the fact that I always had my kids with me, and never wanted to have to explain to my kids about some other man, I would have had my own A (of some sort).

 

I wish we didn't have to go through this to be where we are today, but it grew me up a lot and very quickly.

 

This is very similar to my situation. Add in to the mix fact that we got together at 16, been together dating or married for 30 years and never had sex with other people. This was MUCH more of an issue for him as this is often a way men measure success. He is very introverted and this OW came on strong and determined, even though she was married.

 

He wanted to scratch an itch and thought it would stay contained and die out quick. He was wrong. It didn't stay contained and it took almost a year to die out.

 

What he says now is that working together allows a man and woman to begin having many conversations, get to know each other, begin talking about their problems. In opposite-sex friendships this can often lead to places that same-sex friendships would not - sexually charged intimacy.

[White Flower]

I guess the problem with my thinking and the whole VICTORIA SECRET bit, is that as long as I was just his wife, he viewed me as a woman. When I had his kids, he viewed me as a mother and the interest waned. It didn't matter that I kept myself looking the same for 20 plus years. It didn't matter that I worked out 5 days a week so that I didn't let myself go.

 

What I am saying is that all the reasons that a man uses to screw around or what they say they find appealing about the ow is still just a load of bull. Because the ow MR. MESSY PANTS screwed outweighed me by a good 40 lbs and she didn't do anything differently(according to him) except have sex in public places. And if that is what I was expected to do to keep his attention, then don't let the doorknob hit ya, where the good Lord split ya.

 

There isn't a good enough reason, especially something as insignificant to life as what we were to bed, why people cheat. No matter how long the lists of excuses, it comes down to your decision to step outside a marriage, or your decision to become the 3rd party in one.

Wow, public places. He was reaaally looking for an edgy relationship. I wouldn't do that either. Did he marry the OW?