honey001 Posted November 13, 2007 Posted November 13, 2007 Im 7mths pregnant, and my ex told me he wasnt ready 'but he wants to still be appart of me and my babys life, he just needs to spend more time with his mates' he's 26, and im really having a hard time getting over it.... im wandering maybe it was me, 'all i wanted him to do during my pregnancy was to support me, shower me with compliments, have time for me, but everytime id mention it.. he'd get real angry and wont talk to me for days....... he'd use excuses like 'im bagging on his mates' it was all about his mates than about me and his unborne son.... does he realise what he has done? does he care? ..... i'm embarrased and humiliated that this is happened, and im stuck worrieing about what im going to do as a single mom' its devistating... im considering adoption, i want the best for my unborne son.. im so hurting at the moment and i miss him, but i refuse to call him,,, i told him i would once im over it but! i dont think i ever will and im worried that he will just move on with his life, 'he;s real stubborn' i really thought we were ok , he led me to believe everything was fine......... is it because im fat? is it because im not hot enough for him.....
michael d Posted November 13, 2007 Posted November 13, 2007 hi. so sorry to hear about this situation you are in. i suspect he feels trapped with a kid coming and is thinking his life will be changed too much , won't have his freedom etc. Do not give the baby up. no way. you will regret that. when the baby comes you will love it so much and i can't imagine him not wanting to see his son grow. seeing you and the baby may bring him to his senses. but you need to live for yourself and your baby and take care of yourself right now. i think he's scared but when he sees your strength and your commitment he may come to his senses. stay strong and realize, you have a new responsibility now and whether he comes back or not you have a new focus. if you think you are overweight and it bothers YOU, take steps to get to where you want to be in that regard. good luck, and we'll be out here for ya. michael d
ninjaturtles Posted November 13, 2007 Posted November 13, 2007 Hey, I feel for you, most of us are going through breaksup, but you going through a breakup whilst 7months pregnant...Thats tough. Iv never been in your position before, however my mother (when she was younger of course) went through the same thing., had a child without the father of her 1st child who is my older brother..she later got married to my father and had me..and they have been married for 23 years. All I can tell you to do is get support from family, your mum, you friend..someone...some older preferable. As for adoption, I do not belive in it, however you should do what works for you best. Its normal to feel you were not good enough for him, a lot females feel that way...dont let it occupy your thoughts because they are simply negative uneccessary thoughts. Ultimately do you want this baby? Being a single mother is not easy but the joy of a child is glorious....talk to someone around you and get some support..A lot of women have been in this unfortunate position of yours, but they have made it through..its hard, its unfair and you must be very hurt but now try to focus on healing yourself and the baby inside of you. Hopefully more people with expertise in this area will post up some advice for you...I hope i was of help to you..... Hang in there, and you are right for not bothering him..Let him be....dont push him away by calling, texting, crying, etc... If he abadons you whilst you are carrying his baby, he does not love you and sounds heartless and selfish!! Goodness. Hang in there.xxxx
ninjaturtles Posted November 13, 2007 Posted November 13, 2007 If i were you, I would keep this baby.....the joy of a baby is glorious....get support and help..but dont allow a man to rob you of your joy and you baby...xx
Author honey001 Posted November 13, 2007 Author Posted November 13, 2007 Adoption is what im considering to benefit my son,, it will be hard, but i want him to have a family life..... i have all the support in the world, but the only thing im hearing from them is negativity towards him 'its not what woman like to hear.... im hopeing to god its just a phase hes going through, because in order for this to really work for me is as a family. but im not one to sit around and wait.... but he also needs to consider what im going thru its really not easy being pregnant and feeling alone its really hard trying to evaluate life' im confused at the moment its only been 3days since the break up!!!!!! but feels like a life time.... but everyday im getting stronger and stronger ' i need to be for my son!!!!
sedgwick Posted November 13, 2007 Posted November 13, 2007 Oh god honey, no, any man worth having is not going to leave his wife because she's fat when she's pregnant. And unfortunately that's the first thing women always think it's about. It's not you, he's just terrified to grow up. Really, that's plain as day from the outside. It has NOTHING WHATSOEVER to do with you or how you look or anything you could have done differently. I promise.
SunnyLady Posted November 13, 2007 Posted November 13, 2007 Sedwick hit the nail on the head!! My goodness...honey PLEASE DON'T EVEN PUT BLAME ON YOUR BODY WEIGHT/SIZE. Any man who leaves his partner who is pregnant for him because she is fat is the coldest humna being on earth!! And deserves nothing but evil. Sedwick has said it all...it is not you!!! Which man on earth isnt aware of the fact that women gain weight during pregnancy!! And even if you happen to be a bit on the heavy side naturally...true love goes beyond skin deep!!!If that's the reason he left you (which i know is not true) then he will be back as soon as you've lost that wieght. And in that case he doesnt deserve to have you! However i think as everyone has pointed out he is just pertrified by the amount of responsibilty he believes a baby will inudce into your relationship. You will know what is best regarding your unborn child. However babies are a thing of joy you know? I appreciate that you are probably too distraught to think straight. Please don't make any hasty decsions. Keep us posted on here. Best wishes. xxxx
Author honey001 Posted November 14, 2007 Author Posted November 14, 2007 i understand and thanks all for the advise....... i know i wont make any hasty decisions,' and he really is a nice guy, but i told him from the beggining how hard this was going to be, i was reassured by him, i really am dssapointed in him by doing all this' ..... eventually i will move on, but im the one who gets reminded everyday with my son growing inside of me' I know it isnt because of the weight i have gained, 'its he wants to be free and single again' he said he wanted to spend more time with his mates.... those words hurt more than anything 'and its true: words hurt more than anything.... i know he's scared, but so am i' but more than ever now
SunnyLady Posted November 14, 2007 Posted November 14, 2007 I understand how you feel honey... The tiny one in you is a daily and constant reminder of your ex. And he/she is going to be for the life time of the young one. He reassured you he would stand by you through it all...now he is no where to be found, "having fun with his friends". Sigh. I hope he is aware that no matter what your relationship status with him is, he is responsible for the upbringing of the child. Have you spoken to him about wanting to give up your child for adoption? Many atimes, men come running back when they see a successful raised child. They then want to play a role a in his life. Whatever you're contemplating on....he needs to know. He is the father and its his equally his responsibility.
Author honey001 Posted November 14, 2007 Author Posted November 14, 2007 Lets recap how the breakup was done '''through a text msg'' ..... so we have not spoken about the upbringing of my son, if he really cared he would ring.....so its really upto him.... I have not told him that im considering adopting my babie out, he might think, thats a way of me trying to get him back by using babie' he made the decision to leave at a hard time for me, so to me 'hes left all decisions to me' The thing that keeps running through my mind is!!! what if we do get back together, what would stop him from leaving again.... 'is it really a risk im willing to take,AFTER ALL ITS MY SON WE HAVE TO THINK ABOUT!
LoveLace Posted November 14, 2007 Posted November 14, 2007 I don't see what's wrong with telling him if you are considering adoption....I mean your concerns there are valid...however, it's common knowlege and practice to raise a child on your own (especially if we're lucky enough to have friends or family to help out)...and have no regrets. I'm not trying to steer you in any direction, just trying to have optimism for ya. I've seen several men around his age react in this way to pregnancy and birth. And women are very hurt by it, rightfully so. But if he says he wants to be active as the father, then he needs to follow through with that. Tell him you can accept a break-up, but not empty promises when it comes to a child. He has a choice to either get involved or walk away without turning back. But it's understandable for you to take caution in trusting him as your SO again. Again though, I've seen this situation many times, and in most cases, it just took the father a while to warm up to the idea of taking on that role, and to feel the unique love a parent has for a child. I've seen men change their tune the second they laid eyes on their child for the 1st time...and I've seen others just kind of watch from the sidelines, and finally get more into it as the child starts to grow....but once they were there, they were really there. I even know that mothers themselves have to "warm up" to it in a sense...so not everyone feels an instant bond which is totally normal...but it's a lot easier for a man to put up a wall or just break away if he wants. I'm sorry this happened to you! I'm sure it'll all work out for the best weather he's in the picture or not.
Author honey001 Posted November 14, 2007 Author Posted November 14, 2007 Yes! i understand what your saying lovelace, but i am thinking of my unborne son, thats y im considering adoption for his benefit... i want him to have a family life with a mother and a father its going to be hard for me to let go, woman always have a strong bond with their son because hes growing inside of you and the bond starts there.... but dont you think that its going to be good for him....... Im usually strong but this has absolutely broken me seriously!!!!! i thought i could just walk away and be over it.... im not one to be obsessive and chase him i will do the waiting, but i dont think i could be strong enough to ever forgive him ever!!!!!
Enema Posted November 14, 2007 Posted November 14, 2007 Was he like this before you decided to get pregnant?
LoveLace Posted November 15, 2007 Posted November 15, 2007 Was he like this before you decided to get pregnant? That is a good question...that could determine weather or not he's just a normal guy freaking out, or the type that one might expect to do this in the 1st place. Either way though, how insensivtive...
Author honey001 Posted November 15, 2007 Author Posted November 15, 2007 He's just a normal guy thats freaking out on the situation..... hes a very nice guy, and in some ways i should also consider his feelings in the whole situation... But im the one who holds the emotions at the moment ' all i wanted from him was to spend time together, 'thats all' i have never asked for anything else but time with him' is that so selfish of me 'really'... i use to be so jealous of his mates ... he'd see them at work play sports with them, and that wasnt enough and he wanted to go out drinking and hang out with them as well ' i dont blame his mates, but i think they should also understand our situation' .... i wasnt the only one who made this baby, 'he said he wasnt ready and wanted to spend more time with his mates' WAS THAT JUST A NICE WAY OF BREAKING UP WITH ME? maybe its not the baby maybe its just me he doesnt want anything to do with!!!!!
LoveLace Posted November 15, 2007 Posted November 15, 2007 Well, maybe he'll come around...if he can eventually realize that no one's ever really "ready" for such a life-changing event (especially if it's not precisely planned). Our only choice is to adapt as it comes. However, the guy should realize he wouldn't be the only one sacrifcing some things...I'm sure you'd like more time with your friends, too.
Author honey001 Posted November 15, 2007 Author Posted November 15, 2007 Exactly but im still pretty young 23 and my mates are all still party animals.... i would love to go and hang out with my mates, drink and have allot of fun ' i was always one who was very scared of commitment but realised things had to change 'so i took the risk of finally opening up my heart to him , its like 'he liked it when i was a closed hearted person' i opened it in believing he would never do something like this....... but the joke is on me...... ive been weighing my life out at the moment, im looking for a cresh for pre-born babies so that im able to go back to work not long after i have my son, i have so much support from friends and family but id rather stand on my own two feet, i feel he is my responsiblity 'im going to try and do whats right for him ... Anyway i thought that things may have been fine between myself and my ex by now 'so i msgd his phone last night asking: what sort of role will he be playing in our sons life?????? but no answer, i need to plan myself ahead with the cresh, with work hours when i go back etc 'and thought maybe it was a good idea to bring it up' but if he's not going to answer me.... 'should i just leave it be? im sure that wasnt a stupid question to ask!!!!
LoveLace Posted November 15, 2007 Posted November 15, 2007 That is a very good question, but did you send it as a text message? It's probably too complex of a conversation to start that way...does he have voice mail? You could say hey, since we're not together anymore and you said you still want to be involved, I think it's important that we talk in detail about how this is going to be so that I can plan ahead appropriately"...something like that...I wouldn't give it more than a week to start planning as though he's not involved at all, I mean he can't just wait until your in the 9th month to decide he should call and talk about it...this can be his one chance to either do it, or not do it. I say don't even call him at all after that, and if he tries to step in later, that is completely unacceptable. As I said, freaking out is normal and not bonding right away is normal...but to ignore the situation all together is flat out wrong. He's had 7 mos to get used to the idea and start preparing. He shouldn't need much more than that!
Author honey001 Posted November 15, 2007 Author Posted November 15, 2007 I take it you have alot of experience in this field !!!! I wont be calling him at all, hes not worth it' i've drummed into my head that its his loss, not mine... he's the one thats going to miss out on his sons life, i know that now' and even though its only been 3-4days i've learnt to accept that and ready to move on with my life..... The only love im needing in life is me and my son to be...... 'i wont say im absolutely over it, i have my off days where i'm feeling alone' but like they say .... 'what does'nt break you, makes you stronger', true words....... I will never go back chasing or even wasting my time on him anymore.... its goodbye and goodriddons...... if he wants to be in my sons life, he will have to earn the respect first....'My heads clear and out of the clouds' IM OVER HIS **** AND MAKING ME FEEL THE WAY I HAVE BEEN' that took away the excitement i had about having my son'.....NOT ANYMORE
LoveLace Posted November 16, 2007 Posted November 16, 2007 Well Honey I can't say I'm very experienced in relationships, serious ones anyway...it's more like I've observed a lot of other people's experiences...my best friend and her now husband were only 19 when she got pregnant. He wanted her to have an abortion at first. But she insisted she wouldn't be doing that, so he could either be totally in the deal or "walk away right now" were her exact words. Now they are married 10 yrs with 3 kids. But your attitude sounds good and healthy to me...you know you don't "need" him necessarily; you know you deserve better; you know you'll be fine without it at all and your son deserves better as well, he deserves the very strength it seems you have, and your strength alone is exactly what he needs. Plus, your aware of a major challenge to come and you seem to accept that there will be hard times and better times. This would be true with or without the father, in my opinion. Lastly your right that if he wants things to be only in ways convenient for him, it will come with a price. Just remember that on the lonely days, HIS loss, actually a double loss, he will look like the a$$ later for being the guy who walked away from his own family, with an excuse as lame as wanting to hang out with his friends more! One day he might be surprised by how much it takes to make up for that.
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