marvslove Posted November 13, 2007 Posted November 13, 2007 My wife of 10 years has moved out of the house about three months ago because she said she needed her space. She said she was not happy with who she had become and wants to start over. My wife and I have two little girls 4 and 5 years old. We both love them very much. The first six years of our marriage before the birth of our first child seemed to be very loving and caring for one another. Things started changing after the birth of our first child. I have never cheated on my wife and have always provided for our family no matter what it took. I was 28, a high school band director and my wife was 19, a college student when we got married. We dated for about 7 months before we decided to get married, we talked to our families and took couseling before we committed to one another. After the birth of my first child my wife became a different woman, she seemed set on being on the move all the time. She would stay at work long hours and volunteered to do extra duties when ever she was asked. I would come home from work and be anxious to see her but, she never seemed to have time to spend with me. She would spend majority of her free time with her friends or on the telephone. This trend has continued to this present day. To move my story forward, about 4 years ago I discovered that my wife was having an affair with a much older man than myself, I am 39 now the guy is late 50's. I found this out from emails she had sent him expressing things she wanted to do with him. I asked my wife about this man and things she had written to him. All she would tell me is that she was just stroking this guys ego and trying to make him feel good. This man has a wife who is dying from cancer but she claims she is stroking his ego. Well I talked with my wife about it and let it go and she said she was no longer talking to this man. Well about 7 months ago I found text messages she had sent and received from this same guy that she said she was no longer contacting, and I found emails my wife had written to another guy who she was attempting to have a sexual affair. I confronted my wife with the emails and text messages and an argument ensued and out of her mouth she said I want a divorce. I was shocked, but all I could say was if that is what you want then I cannot stop you. I told her that I forgive her for the affairs and that I do not hold it against her. As the days went by she continued to talk on the phone with other men in her free time and she would go out with her girlfriends and leave me at home with our little girls. Honestly, my wife really never mothered our daughters, I have always been the one who fed them, changed their diapers, bathed them, and put them to bed. My wife just pretty much gave birth to them. In spite of all these things I stll love my wife. So my wife has moved into a house now, and our girls are in between homes but spend a majority of their time living with me in the family home. I asked my wife if she still wants a divorce and she says not really, because a divorce is so final. I have told my wife that I am willing to work on any changes that would make our marriage work. She just says she is afraid to come back into our marriage because she does not want old feelings to arise. She says she does not want to go back to the being person she was. I asked her if she wanted to work toward getting our family back together and she says I just want love our daughters and that she cares about me but she is not in love with me. I am confused, because I do not know if I should be the one filing for a divorce because my wife has committed adultrey against me and she now admits it, but I do not want a divorce because I love my wife and care about her very much and I do not want my children to have to go through the turmoil of a divorce. I have asked my wife if she wants to go to marriage counseling and she said yes, but she doesn't know if it is going to change her feelings. My hands are up in the air and I need some advice on which way to go. I do not want a divorce because I want my daughters with me, I have cared for them since they were infants and I just cannot see myself as a part-time dad. I love my wife and daughters but I need some answers.
GreenEyedLady Posted November 13, 2007 Posted November 13, 2007 It sounds like you have a good case for primary physical custody...Your W sounds like she has already moved on and if you continue these living arrangments without filing, you're going to have an even longer time to pay alimony (unless she makes more than you)...She was really young when you got together and 7 months dating is really not too long to get to know someone (although it does work out sometimes)... I'm sorry to sound negative but her behavior just doesn't seem like someone who wants to reconcile...She sounds like she's already made her decision and she's not going to change her mind... I'm really sorry...My opinion is that you should for D...If anything will wake her up, that will... ((HUGS))
Chrome Barracuda Posted November 13, 2007 Posted November 13, 2007 Kick her out and make that chick pay for child support. Obviously she has too many issues. You need to take care of your family for you!!! Why are you even thinking about it. Your being in limbo right now and if you dont set a course in a direction she may never do so. And then one day she will and then you want to save it, she wont. Take the reigns and go see a lawyer and tell her she got until next month or next week to make a choice. I mean counciling and recommitting and transparency, if she lies about any of these three or give a falsehood. you kick her the hell out!!! She wants her youth so much give it to her in spades!!!
seibert253 Posted November 14, 2007 Posted November 14, 2007 Your wife wants the best of both worlds. She wants to string you along as her "husband", when she needs that stability, but in the same sense she wants to be able to be free and seek other men at the same time. You need to stand firm and tell her she needs to make a decsion. She needs to choose what she wants to be, a loving commited wife and mother, or a whore. (Sorry I was so blunt). It's not fair to you to be commited to her and your children, and she's not. Give her time to think about this, but not too long. If it was me, I'd tell her to think about it for a few weeks, then decide. She's probably going to try to continue to string you along, if she does then serve her with D papers. If she makes the decsion to be a wife and mother, then there are some stipulations I would insist upon. These are not open for discussion or negotiation: 1. Individual and joint marriage counseling 2. No contact with any of these other men 3. Open access to all computers and cellphones. (also let her have access to yours to show her you're committed to her) 4. She needs to confess to you everything, (if she withholds info or lies, then that's a deal breaker and let her know this) This can work, but only if the two of you are committed to saving your relationship.
EnigmaXOXO Posted November 14, 2007 Posted November 14, 2007 I asked my wife if she still wants a divorce and she says not really, because a divorce is so final. Not so much “final” as it is financially ‘inconvenient’ for her. If she vacated your marital residence, without a legal separation agreement in place, than that may qualify as “abandonment” and jeopardize any claim she may have regarding spousal support later on. She is also most likely listed as the first beneficiary and/or sole inheritor of any joint assets (or personal assets) you still own under legal marital law. Of course, it pays to remain married in title only while living her life as free and single. She says she does not want to go back to the being person she was. She’s still the person she was/is. You can’t run far and fast enough to get away from that. What she probably meant was that she couldn’t go back to that “life” ... you know, the one where she had to be accountable or responsible to someone else besides herself. I do not want my children to have to go through the turmoil of a divorce. If they’re being shuffled back and forth between two separate parental residences, then they’re already experiencing the most unsettling consequence of divorce. In many ways you are already living as divorced couple ... just not legal on paper. Again, to her benefit more than yours and the children’s. I think you’d have a good shot at becoming the primary custodial parent of your children (thus avoiding child support payments) if and when you’ve finally had enough of her shenanigans and decide you’d like to petition for it as part of your divorce agreement. And if the girls spend the majority of their time with you at home anyway because Mom is too busy with her “New Me”, than perhaps she’ll be happy to have you take that responsibility off her hands. My vote would be to give the counseling a shot if she’s willing to go for appearances sake alone. Even if she’s already stated that it probably wouldn’t do much to change her feelings. At least you can say you gave it your last best shot ... and it will weigh heavily in your favor in the eyes of the legal system even if it does not help to salvage your marriage in the end. As far as the unrequited “love” you still have for your wife, that will be the toughest hurdle to overcome. It’s hard to continue to love someone who no longer has it in them to love you back. And no amount of begging, pleading, hoping, wishing, waiting or counseling can make someone feel something that they just don’t. Unfortunately, when it comes to females, they’ve already done their emotional “disconnecting” long before they’ve gathered the courage to physically walk out the door. It’s hard to pull them back in once they’ve made up their good minds to exit. Males are more inclined to rethink their relationship situations, second-guess and even change their minds based on more practical reasons moreso than emotional ones. Which is why you’re trying so hard to hang on and “fix” things while she’s trying to put more and more distance between you. I think maybe you should try to come to terms with just “who” it is you’re still in love with. The woman she use to be ... the woman you thought she’d remain for the rest of your lives ... or this strange, different person that she’s become. Would you even want to be married to this other woman if (short of a miracle or amnesia) you couldn’t get the old wife back?
marazul Posted November 19, 2007 Posted November 19, 2007 I feel sorry for you because you sound like a good man, responsible, faithful, loving, forgiving, etc. I'm kind of astonished. Your wife doesn't appreciate what she has. She sounds to be an irresponsible person, and mother, and obviously she has some problems, issues and instability. She seems to want to live her life the way she wants it, and if you let her, after many years of stumbling into dysfunctional relationships she wakes up and realizes what she's lost and that is too late. I really doubt that people like her just change but sticking to the marriage. Only you know if you should divorce her. How difficult! you still love her and that makes it difficult. You have to think about yourself, your life because also with the issues you have to deal with, I think it just drains your energy and your good humor. But if you're not with her you can give yourself the possibility to find somebody who can REALLY LOVE YOU. I would say that if all these problems go on for many years and you don't see any changes in her for the good, it's time to make a serious decision. good luck to you
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