gemalousieglc1 Posted November 13, 2007 Posted November 13, 2007 Get rid!!!! Do it quick...... They usually say if someone hates cheats and constantly tells you this, they are one!!!! If you carry on with this man he always will!!! That phone call tells you he is cheating. Trust me hun, women here where i am from would never doubt that call ......HE IS CHEATING OR WISHING TOO!!! How dare he slag you off to another women. Thats bad enough alone!!!! Get out, have fun or meet someone else. Im sure it will be hard but its better than being heart broken all your life!!! Take Care.....P.S My mum has always said to me......I gave birth to you, not your man.....look after number 1!!!! xx
Author cj1988 Posted November 13, 2007 Author Posted November 13, 2007 Quankanne,thank you for being so honest. You see that is what we the fights started about. she became his life witin a couple of months. She was first and that is what I told him and he said I was crazy and he was getting to know her. They both could not understand why them calling each other all day bothered me and not her husband. He knows about the tape, not what is on it, but he told me not to worry about it all, they are just brotehr and sister. He is denial because he screws everything that walks, tried to with me ! My H and the sister talk very rarely now if any, I do not know why. But it went from everyday all day to 5 times last month all together. She is now hanging out with his best friends soon to be EX wife whom slept with her and her H (the sister and H) at my lake house in the water. I saw them and now they are buddies, in other words the sister has another play toy ! So, as you see it is f---- Jerry Springer from h--- ! He was the one that called her most of the time, he was the agressor, she would call as well, but not like him....he was the one on the tape that was overly I LOVE YOU....she calls him her angel as she would a child, he calls her his sweet sweet baby. Like I said, he has had a rough child hood and grew up wanting so much for someone to love him.....she did that....she is a nutiring type person that is very loving....she told me if he did have the feelings toward her as i spoke about, she did not want to know, that would freak her out....she said all I wanted him to know after all he has been through is that he is loved and she will always love him. She acted as if she was not in love with him, but his mother in a way. You have to remember they (siblings) knew nothing about him until I called in 2002. The dad and mom never mentioned him, so they were all pissed they have missed him in their lives. She said she was sorry for what she said about me, she was basing it all on what he told her and reacted badly. She said at the same time I made the accusation it was rough because her youngest son was accused of touching his cousin and they were dealing with that as well. She said when you accused me of f---- my brother I was like OMG, what now ! So, you can see why I am so confused about the truth !
Author cj1988 Posted November 13, 2007 Author Posted November 13, 2007 If I go back and read this....sounds like I over analyze too much or not enough.......if you were me, would you run for the hills even if he did not sleep with her ?
quankanne Posted November 13, 2007 Posted November 13, 2007 get his butt to counseling, then. Because you're never going to figure out just what's going on by going through others. Maybe this is all innocent, but I'm skeptical that he says his marriage comes first but does nothing to show you that it does. and I totally get why you're still hanging in there – love's not a faucet to be turned off and on at will. Your heart's still very much entwined with his. But you really, really need to get some kind of honest communication going between the both of you (hence the counseling suggestion) so that you know what move to make.
whichwayisup Posted November 13, 2007 Posted November 13, 2007 My H and the sister talk very rarely now if any, I do not know why Because even though you don't have the actual "proof" they had sex, that conversation has shown a real intimacy, emotional attachment, crossing lines BIG TIME - It seems they got caught up in the fantasy, and forgot they were half siblings, and he forgot he was married to you in the process. The reason why they don't talk much anymore is probably complete embarressment and realization that what they did was WRONG, was unhealthy and incest. He'll NEVER tell you exactly what happened - I think you deep down you know the truth and somehow you either need to forgive him, move past this with the help of counselling, or end it (with the help of counselling). I know you love him, he's your husband and there's alot of history between you two, so that makes it harder to decide what to do.
Author cj1988 Posted November 13, 2007 Author Posted November 13, 2007 Hello all and Whichway You are right this is my H and I do love him and that is WHY I want to believe the best in him and what has happened. My problem is not especially the past, but the present. He still seems resentful and mad at me. He said it is because I expect it all to be just hunky dory now as if I did nothing. He said, you still ahve no idea tape or not what you did and said to me and my new and old family. He reminds me that I am insecure and that I have issues from my morbid past and that I have brought all that into our relationship for the last 13 years. I have accused him of cheating before, checked his truck for years (do not know why) so he was tired of it all and waiting for the other shoe to drop so to speak. So, he is waiting to see if I behave in other words, get that ! So, you see he still feels he has done nothing wrong and that means he does not see a problem with our marriage. He said the only thing wrong with us is me worring all the time and not trusting him. Always goes back to the you are the one who strayed not me and if you do not get a handle on these things you are going to drive us slap apart. In a way he has a point but not 100%. He does not see why I am upset by the sister thing because he feels he has done nothing wrong. So, I said what if you heard me on tape talking that way, he said, if it was your brother I would understand, you are trying to make something perverted when it was not.
whichwayisup Posted November 13, 2007 Posted November 13, 2007 He doesn't make you feel good about yourself, does he? Even before he cheated, or did whatever inappropriate things with his half-sis... Love now has nothing to do with this, so love and history aside, if this man makes YOU feel insecure, not good inside by how he speaks to you, the way he treats you, doesn't listen or respect what you say/feel inside, then the marriage won't work and will only get worse. Imagine 10 years from now, feeling this way? He is living in some serious denial and it's probably shame inside him which is why he's pretending the whole thing was 'nothing' so HE can forgive himself.
Author cj1988 Posted November 13, 2007 Author Posted November 13, 2007 No, he does not. I am an attractive woman inside and out. That is what he liked about me in the beginning. I was open, free spirited and independent. He was a good looking man with low self esteem that had never been with a woman that looked or acted like me. I was living a lie, I seem strong on the outside and tough, but on the inside have deep issues from my dad. I am working on that....all in all I am a good woman that has made her share of mistakes and has admitted them. When I was with the other guys I told him all about it when it came out. I did not hide it and was ashamed of what I did to him and espeically me. Since that day he has never let me live it down and has thrown it in my face that I do not love him because I was able to sleep with someone while we were living apart but still sleeping together as well. Story was, he left I cried begged him to come back, he told me no, we slept together a couple of times in 3 months and he saw I was having fun without him and snapped.....yes, I should have waited and it was really stupid and dumb.....but he cannot move past it ! That is the reason WHY I think he may justify in his head what he has done.....BUT we were just got married when he started his BS with her. He said to him we have been married for years in his eyes and heart and the piece of paper just made it legal......so you see I am screwed any way you look at it ! I want to be me again and move on before I cannot. I am still young enough and attractive enough to get what I want in someone, not just looks. My kid is off to college in 3 weeks and I should be excited, I am not... You want to hear the really sad part....I do things in bed now that I have never done with or for him, why.....I feel like **** after it somewhat dirty, why?
KenzieAbsolutely Posted November 13, 2007 Posted November 13, 2007 The sad part is even if we did go to counseling and try to work it out, he can never tell........if he does he has the risk of not only losing me, but his family as well. He would lose ALL of them, her, the other 2 siblings and more so the father he just met, but does not call or see. So, he can never tell. Someone asked him recently if he ever cheated would he be able to live with it and not have a guilty conscience. He said, first off I have no conscience, second I would not be in that type of situation to feel all that, I am not cheater and never will be.....so the answer is no...... so, all you can do is spend the rest of your life not truly believing him, setting him up and spying on him to find proof, only to let him keep lying to you to the point that you are willing to stay with him. no offense, but the problem is not only him, it's you. you know what he's doing, or at least what he's done. even if he wasn't cheating with his sister, he admits he has no conscience and he treats you horribly. you know he will never admit this to you, so why bother with all the questions and traps? you already know he screwed his sister. you don't need him to say it. if you see him wearing red shoes, you'll believe they're blue simply because he's telling you they're blue. that's sad. if you stay with him, anything you go through is at least half your fault for knowing the truth and not doing anything about it.
Author cj1988 Posted November 13, 2007 Author Posted November 13, 2007 Hello Kenzie, thanks for the reply. I do know that I am part of the problem. It is like a kid, if he comes home with 5 "F's and you do nothing about it, why would he feel bad. If he knows you are not going to do anything about it, who cares. So, yes I am part of the problem.....what if again, he did not screw her????? What if I was off, not totally, but really off???? That is not the issue, it is how he treats me now. I have told him several times I do not think he is IN LOVE with me any longer, he tells me he has been in love with me since the first day we made love and I am the only one that has ever doubted that and it has shown in me and my actions for years ! So, what would you do, throw away 13 years and move on or keep trying and hope it all works out one day !
KenzieAbsolutely Posted November 13, 2007 Posted November 13, 2007 Hello Kenzie, thanks for the reply. I do know that I am part of the problem. It is like a kid, if he comes home with 5 "F's and you do nothing about it, why would he feel bad. If he knows you are not going to do anything about it, who cares. So, yes I am part of the problem.....what if again, he did not screw her????? What if I was off, not totally, but really off???? That is not the issue, it is how he treats me now. I have told him several times I do not think he is IN LOVE with me any longer, he tells me he has been in love with me since the first day we made love and I am the only one that has ever doubted that and it has shown in me and my actions for years ! So, what would you do, throw away 13 years and move on or keep trying and hope it all works out one day ! if i was in your exact situation, i would throw away the 13 years and start over. it doesn't matter whether he screwed her, or anyone, physically or not. there is no amount of trust or any measure of respect in your 'relationship'. break free. you seem like a good person who could benefit from a healthier lifestyle. none of this could be healthy for you and it will never go away. i wish you happiness, and you will not find in this life with this man and the way you always feel about your situations. you may not have put yourself in this situation, but you can certainly take yourself out of it.
Author cj1988 Posted November 13, 2007 Author Posted November 13, 2007 True, sad but true ! He does not trust me either.......maybe that is what I need to concentrate on now instead of all that other crap.... I would LOVE to actually be with someone I did not feel I have to check on or worry about whether it is just me or not, he makes me feel that way and I let him. I told him recently that I just wanted it to be like it was in the beginnig when we were good to each other and at ease.....you know what he said.....well you f----- that all up now didn't you ! Not me too, but I do not think so, it was YOU f---- that up......that is the type of things that stick with me now and one day will be the reason we are divorced ! Not the cheating the resentful gaslighting he has done for years !
Author cj1988 Posted November 13, 2007 Author Posted November 13, 2007 As I said before I am now more ahsamed of myself more than I am of him. I never in my life thought I would be on this website asking questions and so desperately seeking answers or help from strangers.....I am my own worse enemy right now and that is the worst part of it. My son, god bless his heart (now 19) has had to spend the last year living with his mom before he leaves watching me fall apart. He is my love and does understand.....he told me about 8 months ago. Mom, this was finally your way out not his ! How f---- up is that !
Bryanp Posted November 13, 2007 Posted November 13, 2007 It sounds like your husband will not be able to get over the fact that you slept with another man. I know you were separated but did you think that you were planning to divorce? Did you have unprotected sex? If so for many men they simply cannot get over it. Was it a one-time thing or were you intimate for quite a while. From your post it sounds like your husband was absolutely devastated from you being with another man and his self-esteem is totally shot. Have you totally cut it of with your former lover?
Author cj1988 Posted November 13, 2007 Author Posted November 13, 2007 Bryan, we were not married in 2002. We moved in together in 1995 and he moved out in May of 2002 and would not give me the time of day for a month. He said he was tired of the constant fighting and wanted to move on and get his own house, I cried for a month. Then I started going out and getting over it a little and met someone and we slept together a couple of times and that was it. Hell, I was 35 he was 21, how can you have intimacy with a 21 year old. My H knew it was just for fin, but was very upset (the guy came over and was in my H face and let it all out of the bag...he was 6 foot 8, intimidating to any man) My H then lost 40 pounds cried all the time and I was GOOD to him. Took him straight back apologized over and over again about the hurt...explained that I believed we were over although we slept togther in between when my H wanted to come by drunk.......but in his heart we were on a break (I had no idea by the way he was talking to me or lack there of) so he has never got over it and said I cheated.....everyone that knows us has told him we were not togther, but as I stated to him we have been married for over 11 years now. not since July of 2006 when we really made it official.....so yes it hurt him and I to this day feel very bad about that, but he needs to get over it.......he holds it over my head like crazy ! So, NO I never loved or particularly cared for the OM, he was a baby and I was just having fun !
Bryanp Posted November 13, 2007 Posted November 13, 2007 Hello again, It really sounded like your relationship was certainly over when you got involved. Everything in your relationship just sounds so messed up. If you relationship is to get back on track then marriage counseling is an absolute must. Of course it is doubtful he will be honest about his sister. I think you need to think long and hard what you expect your future to be. You are correct that since he previously left you then he need to get over it. The problem is that it sounds like he may never get over it. It also sounds like his relationship with his half-sister is an absolute deal breaker. Please get into counseling because it sounds doubtful if you can put up with this in the long run. You both need serious marriage counseling and both of you need to decide whether in the long run you are better off with or without each other in the future. Life is too darn short to continue hurting each other this way. I wish you the best of luck.
Havn_a_life Posted November 14, 2007 Posted November 14, 2007 cj1988, I hope this doesn't sound rude, because I truly don't mean for it to, but if your guy is having any kind of relations(like that) with his sister(blood related, I'm assuming)that's incest and that's disgusting. I would be totally revolted to find out my H was having an A, emotional, physical, whatever with his sister, and my H has 2 half sisters, neither of which he could ever feel that way about. The moment I even suspected it, much less hear what you've heard, I would have dumped his a*ss. I'm sorry but that guy is nasty. I'd kick his a*ss to the curb and get myself away from that weirdo as quickly as I could. If he's living in denial of having a thing for his own sister, I would just be totally against him altogether.
Author cj1988 Posted November 14, 2007 Author Posted November 14, 2007 Hello Havn, I do agree more than you know, that is what is so bad about the whole mess. I guess my heart knows him and wants to believe he was just being the loving person that he is to everyone he loves in his life. I do not want to believe he can be that f---- up , if you know what I mean. I am just do not understand how he or she could do that, it is not normal. She does not seem the type or did not that would be that messed up as well. But then again she talked about me like a dog. I fing it very interesting that the "BOND" they seem to have or had is so different now. I mentioned that to my H and he said they still have that bond, I said ok, so why doesnt she call you or why don't you call her everyday anymore. He said, you made us both feel very strange about it all, what the h--- did you think was going to happen. I do not agree because they were still talking all the time until a few months agao. He again is in denial that she is not the person she seemed to be (like a god to him, she told him what to do even in his marriage for a while) she now has a new toy, his best friends soon to be ex she slept with ! So, as you see I am the only one in this that is not crazy. I do feel bad in a way for him, if he was just happy that one of his siblings cared so much for him, if it was innocent, and now finds out she is just like the others....that has to hurt. I am not sure as of yet what to believe or do, but I am SURE it will all work itself out.....all the answers are inside of me and I will find them. I cannot worry about him right now, it has to be about me and what I want and need. I just hate when someone you have known for 13 years turns out to be someone you never knew at all. I knwew he had issues as I do, but not that deep. By the way, thank you all for you honest opinions, I am embarassed enough just talking about this, but for some reason you all seem to make a bit easier to get through it ! God bless you all !
Author cj1988 Posted November 14, 2007 Author Posted November 14, 2007 I hope that one day soon I can give you all a GOOD update and tell you that I moved on or we are working it out and I am alright.......we shall see all I know is that 2008 will be a new year for me one way or another.
Havn_a_life Posted November 14, 2007 Posted November 14, 2007 I wish you the best, and hope and pray that you can get through it all. You are right. You have to think about you and what's in your best interest and it sounds like they have their own best interests at heart. I would first stress to him to get some therapy or psychiatric help and then I'd move on. The whole brother/sister incest thing is just too Jerry Springer for me to deal with (if it was me). Watch a few of his episodes about that kind of scenario and you'll have a quick change of heart about wanting to be with the H. Good luck!
Bryanp Posted November 15, 2007 Posted November 15, 2007 Clearly this is a deal breaker but maybe you should just cut to the chase. Tell him you will pay for a polygraph test that will just two questions. Has he ever sexually cheating with another woman while he has been married to you. Second has he ever been sexually involved with his Sister (you do not have to call her the sister but use her regular name). Judge his reaction.
Author cj1988 Posted November 15, 2007 Author Posted November 15, 2007 I agree, it is definitely Jerry Springer ! He would divorce me before ever admitting it, so the polygraph is out....he would die first. I know he will never tell, hell I probably would not either. He has agreed to go to counseling with me, so that is a start. It is more for his son than us, but maybe it will help them. I am pretty much numb at this point. I am not as upset an unhappy about it all now as I was, I guess I just dont care to some extent. I believe that the NOT knowing will force me to leave him anyway. So, I am not going to stress over what I do not know or cannot change. We had a long talk over the weekend and he has improved in the last two weeks. I believe he is starting to want more from me as I am pulling back a little more everyday. He does not call HER and she does not call him. I asked him why, he said I guess she is busy like we are these days, who cares. I said, that is strange. You could not go one day for over a year and now nothing. He said, I told you....we were getting to know each other after 33 years and she is my connection to the family, present and past. That I do believe because the dad is sick and the brother has a sick wife....so, we shall see ! I told him that I did not want to go to Thanksgiving over there and he said, oh no...I go you go you are my wife and I want you with me.....funny how last year I was forbid to go around them after the falling out ! Now, when they are around us (very few times) he is holding my hand, kisses me and very attentive in front of her. She is the same way with her H as well, like they are trying to prove something....who knows it is all crazy !
Bryanp Posted November 15, 2007 Posted November 15, 2007 It sounds like you have a good perspective on things. I wish you the best.
Author cj1988 Posted November 15, 2007 Author Posted November 15, 2007 Thank you all for not laughing or making digs at my denial. I love the man and pray everyday that GOD gives me the stregth to forgive him for my sake not his. I am the only one carrying the burden right now, does not seem to bother the 2 that have caused my heartache, so why let it bother me. I do believe in the long run all this was meanto happen as bad it may be for some reason or another. What does not kill us makes us stronger and more important wiser. He is not a bad man and I have never believed he is, just another lost soul in this hard ife, not my problem. He at this point can only help himself as I have to do as well. Who knows what the future holds for both of us now, only happiness for me one way or another. No one is perfect in this life and if we were it would be boring and that is one thing he does say about me, it has and never will be a boring ride. Love is a choice and I know that now and not a feeling, that is a good reflection in my mind and heart. I chose him for a reason as he did me and we now have to remember WHY we fell for each other in the first place. It is not particularly the past the haunts us now, it is the future and I am the only one that decides MY future. I am a loving mother and wife at this point and want to remain that way, only time will tell. The only thought that keeps me going is the old saying "what goes around comes around" GOD I hope so ! I cannot wait to see what happens then
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