gonetildecember Posted November 13, 2007 Posted November 13, 2007 WE shall see lol. I guess yeah just play it cool, do the whole.. yeah i've been busy too thing. Don't make him think u were sitting around and waiting for his call...staring at the phone, while biting ur nails in anticipation u know lol. He did ask to see you, so at least thats a good thing. He did the initiating right! It's hard not to panic i guess when we see a change in behaviour. I think it's because we're the exact opposite.. when things are going good we tend to want to increase contact and spend more time together in order to increase the closeness, whereas, i'm learning they tend to pull away to do their processing. Maybe one day we'll understand.
Kamille Posted November 13, 2007 Posted November 13, 2007 Another thing...if this is the third time in a row...it couldnt possibly be them...what is it that im doing to scare them off like this??? anyone has any ideas??? My guess would be that you don't know how to notice early red flags about men's emotional availability. Perhaps also, you may lack confidence when it comes time to get past the initial stages of dating. Do you find yourself losing perspective of the fact that you are still the attractive, strong, brilliant woman he fell for months ago? Do you somehow start to believe that you need to convince him to stay? Then either you lack confidence or your guys weren't enabling you to be confident. (It always takes two to tango). Im praying this is what it is...although if it is...i have a feeling (me and my feelings) that he is still processing but realized i was getting antsy about his non-contact status.... I did agree to see him...but im gonna keep it cool...let him lead....if he's still processing (im starting to envision this as a brewing process....) I dont want to disturb whatever natural response he's gonna get from his rummings.... WE shall see.... Remember, you are still that attractive, enticing and exciting woman he was crazy about just last week. His behaviour changed, not yours so consider that it is up to him to explain what is going on. If he doesn't feel like it, there is nothing you can do about it, but don't let it get you down. It doesn't change who you are.
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted November 14, 2007 Author Posted November 14, 2007 My guess would be that you don't know how to notice early red flags about men's emotional availability. Perhaps also, you may lack confidence when it comes time to get past the initial stages of dating. Do you find yourself losing perspective of the fact that you are still the attractive, strong, brilliant woman he fell for months ago? Do you somehow start to believe that you need to convince him to stay? Then either you lack confidence or your guys weren't enabling you to be confident. (It always takes two to tango). Remember, you are still that attractive, enticing and exciting woman he was crazy about just last week. His behaviour changed, not yours so consider that it is up to him to explain what is going on. If he doesn't feel like it, there is nothing you can do about it, but don't let it get you down. It doesn't change who you are. This is such a nice empowering advice, thank you so much. Yeah sometimes i forget that i was/am pretty good catch, and ill be ok with or without him. I wont push for an explanation, since, from my experience of him he usually comes straight out for what he wants (which is why this whole thing sent me in a trip!) so im sure he'll tell me what is going on if there is something i need to know. Thank you again for such a nice and caring advice
uniqueone Posted November 14, 2007 Posted November 14, 2007 First of all....listen to Kamille....excellent insight from her! Do you see what you did when he stopped contacting you? You texted him. This is when the balance of power shifts and believe me, it's not good. When this shift occurs is where YOU start pursuing HIM. That's a no-win situation. Don't even THINK it's possible to have things work that way. It is guaranteed not to work once you pursue him. (foolishly, I still have done so, even while knowing this....) He liked the pursuit of you....it was exciting. Eventually the pursuit ended and that wasn't so exciting. He knew you were his. Ok...metaphor time..... Let's say there's a little boy and he wants this toy that his mom won't let him play with because it's a special toy......it's fancy and expensive and she wants to keep it on the shelf for decoration. The boy begs and begs to play with the toy. He does all sorts of things to show his mom he's being good and that he can handle such a toy. So the mom finally lets him play with it. He's so excited. He makes big plans for what he'll do with the toy...what kinds of games he can play with it and he takes it everywhere he goes. He cherishes this toy and this goes on for a few months. Then, one day, he leaves to go somewhere with his mom, and he forgets the toy at home instead of taking it with him. He comes home and sees it lying there and picks it up and plays with it for a few minutes and puts it back down. He's not too excited about it anymore. His mom keeps seeing the toy lying around, so she keeps bringing it to him and saying "Here, play with your toy." He takes it for a minute and then tosses it aside. She keeps asking him where his toy is and tells him he should go play with it. He says he doesn't feel like it. So then she sees it lying there one day and picks it up and takes it to store it away. After a little while he realizes it's gone and asks her where it is and she tells him. He tells her that he wants it back. She tells him that he doesn't play with it anymore and he says "yeah but I might...". So she gives it back and occasionally he'll pick it up and play with it but not like before. If he hears him mom mention that he never plays with it anymore, he'll suddenly pick it up and play with it for awhile....just so that she won't take it away. So there ya have it....your guy is now feeding you crumbs because he "might" want to have you there should he want to play again...
Krytie TV Posted November 14, 2007 Posted November 14, 2007 guys are weird. some tell me that they want you to chase them a little. i'm not sure if this is the case with your guy. but my guy told me that he will sometimes pull back and wait for me to chase him. i know, what a freak. he likes it. i suppose, if it were me, i would like to be chased. but i'm a girl. i would just call him and ask what is up? at least then you can get an answer and not be subject to his whim. better than playing games and waiting to go crazy! You laugh this off but you have hit the nail on the head. I absolutely refuse to stay with someone anymore who isn't willing to chase ever. Guys want to feel wanted to. Selfish, huh?
Trialbyfire Posted November 14, 2007 Posted November 14, 2007 You laugh this off but you have hit the nail on the head. I absolutely refuse to stay with someone anymore who isn't willing to chase ever. Guys want to feel wanted to. Selfish, huh? If you've been dating for 5 months and still need someone to chase you, don't you feel that's an issue?
melodymatters Posted November 14, 2007 Posted November 14, 2007 Wow....that toy analogy was rather.. upsetting ! Are you using it about this particular guy or all people ? I mean we all know familiarity breeds contempt, and that the butterflies, can't sleep feeling, fades, but surely mature people still find enjoyment with their partners, because thankfully people can grow, talk, evolve and interact, unlike toys.....right ? lol, I'm not "dissing" you analogy, it just makes me a little sad and scared that that IS how people are nowadays ! ..and OP, HATE the rubberband thing, and usually get a little distant and " busy" myself, and that usually does help. good luck
uniqueone Posted November 14, 2007 Posted November 14, 2007 Wow....that toy analogy was rather.. upsetting ! Are you using it about this particular guy or all people ? I mean we all know familiarity breeds contempt, and that the butterflies, can't sleep feeling, fades, but surely mature people still find enjoyment with their partners, because thankfully people can grow, talk, evolve and interact, unlike toys.....right ? lol, I'm not "dissing" you analogy, it just makes me a little sad and scared that that IS how people are nowadays ! ..and OP, HATE the rubberband thing, and usually get a little distant and " busy" myself, and that usually does help. good luck Are you making fun of my fractured fairy tales??? Maybe it was a little strong....but the whole gist of it was that the chase got old for him and he's put her on the backburner. But when he senses her disappearing, he pops up (only briefly). I think it's lost its excitement for him.
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted November 14, 2007 Author Posted November 14, 2007 haha interesting analogy uniqueone, but hopefully he is a bit more mature than a little boy with a toy (he is after all 30, not 15) I guess though the whole chase thing may be true...but unfortunately I have never been one to play games, and he knew this from the get go. I told him straight out that if he wanted to chase something he could go get a bunny or a puppy, cuz I personally wanted a relationship with someone i didnt need to pretend I was always busy and unavailable so he would feel i was important. So for five months thats how we've gone with the relationship. I have my own life, but ive never (nor do I intent to, with him or anyone else) play hard to get, it just doesnt make sense to me. Things have been great that way, and id like to keep it that way. If however, he's changed his mind and wants to get a puppy to chase instead, then yeah...I guess its not worth my time anyway.
Trialbyfire Posted November 14, 2007 Posted November 14, 2007 haha interesting analogy uniqueone, but hopefully he is a bit more mature than a little boy with a toy (he is after all 30, not 15) I guess though the whole chase thing may be true...but unfortunately I have never been one to play games, and he knew this from the get go. I told him straight out that if he wanted to chase something he could go get a bunny or a puppy, cuz I personally wanted a relationship with someone i didnt need to pretend I was always busy and unavailable so he would feel i was important. So for five months thats how we've gone with the relationship. I have my own life, but ive never (nor do I intent to, with him or anyone else) play hard to get, it just doesnt make sense to me. Things have been great that way, and id like to keep it that way. If however, he's changed his mind and wants to get a puppy to chase instead, then yeah...I guess its not worth my time anyway. Yes, yes, yes, this is the attitude!!! Games are for little boys and girls. If you honestly care about someone, have the confidence to admit it and be prepared to be adult about it, if or when you lose interest.
Krytie TV Posted November 14, 2007 Posted November 14, 2007 If you've been dating for 5 months and still need someone to chase you, don't you feel that's an issue? Ask the people sounding off about this issue. That's pretty hypocritical. And yes, wanting to feel wanted lasts beyond 5 months... or would the women disagree. Way to make a double standard that men don't need anything after 5 months while women just can't understand why they "dont do this anymore".
Trialbyfire Posted November 14, 2007 Posted November 14, 2007 Ask the people sounding off about this issue. That's pretty hypocritical. And yes, wanting to feel wanted lasts beyond 5 months... or would the women disagree. Way to make a double standard that men don't need anything after 5 months while women just can't understand why they "dont do this anymore". Perhaps that's where men and women differ. Pursuit is one thing, wanting to spend time with someone in a relationship, a completely different thing.
crazy_grl Posted November 14, 2007 Posted November 14, 2007 You laugh this off but you have hit the nail on the head. I absolutely refuse to stay with someone anymore who isn't willing to chase ever. Guys want to feel wanted to. Selfish, huh? Sadly for you, I think you're in the minority. I used to chase guys and I can't think of a single time it's ever worked out for me. So your fellow males who make immature assumptions about girls who enjoy chasing (as in they're needy, clingy, desperate etc) tend to condition girls not to do so.
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted November 14, 2007 Author Posted November 14, 2007 well, i guess he is done with the pulling back... I went to see him last nite, he seemed really happy to see me and the first thing he did when he opened the door was hug me really tight, kiss me all over my face while saying "i missed you!" ..if i had been a cartoon you would prolly see a big question mark right on top of my head for sure! The rest of the night we had a great time, he seemed very interested in what i had to say throughout the night, and when we werent talking he would be holding onto me really tight and kissing my head while watching tv. He told me all about his trip over the weekend, showing me pictured and even attempted to take a picture of us, but his battery died. Then he gave me a back rub...without me asking.... lets just say.... wow.... I guess there's something about the whole rubberband thing....
Kamille Posted November 14, 2007 Posted November 14, 2007 I'm very very happy for you 4givrnt4gtr! And thanks for letting us know. I admit I was curious as to how things would go!
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted November 14, 2007 Author Posted November 14, 2007 I'm very very happy for you 4givrnt4gtr! And thanks for letting us know. I admit I was curious as to how things would go! aw thanks Kamille, you're so awesome
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