4givrnt4gtr Posted November 13, 2007 Posted November 13, 2007 So...long story short. Lovely man, date him for 5 months, he introduced me as his "future wife" one weekend to a friend of his, the next he talks about a dream he had in "our" future business. There were about two to three weeks where he would constantly call me, ask me to see him...and then all of a sudden he isnt contacting as much as he used to....to the point of no contact whatsoever for three days....i called him saturday he tells me he is with his family in a celebration. I say ill talk to him later he says we would talk sunday. He asks me if im gonna go out and I said yes, he said "good, look but dont touch" I laugh and I say "same to you!" he says "I dont even look!". Anyway sunday came and went... no call not even a text...monday...no text no call, he usually aims me....no aim. I dont know how to take all this....and worst, I dont know what to do about it. Ive read in several books that men tend to do this and the best thing for me to do is to leave him alone, give him his time and space. Ok all that is lovely...but what in the world am I supposed to do in the meantime??? I mean dont get me wrong I got a bit of a life...but still, I cant help to see if he's gonna call me...I just dont get it! What can i do to stop my mind from going crazy?! help please!
crazy_grl Posted November 13, 2007 Posted November 13, 2007 What can i do to stop my mind from going crazy?! Go out with other guys. Find one who won't pull a childish disappearing act. Whenever he decides to show back up, you can let him know that you expect the men you're dating to call when they say they will and not disappear on you. Then tell him you've decided to look for that kind of guy. Of course, you've got to actually be willing to drop this guy, but judging by your OP, I don't think you are. Seems like you're willing to play into his game. In that case, all you can do is keep yourself busy with other things until he decides he wants to make time for you again.
Citizen Erased Posted November 13, 2007 Posted November 13, 2007 ugh crap like this almost convinces me to stay with my bf just so I can avoid dating.
LovesDog Posted November 13, 2007 Posted November 13, 2007 guys are weird. some tell me that they want you to chase them a little. i'm not sure if this is the case with your guy. but my guy told me that he will sometimes pull back and wait for me to chase him. i know, what a freak. he likes it. i suppose, if it were me, i would like to be chased. but i'm a girl. i would just call him and ask what is up? at least then you can get an answer and not be subject to his whim. better than playing games and waiting to go crazy!
gonetildecember Posted November 13, 2007 Posted November 13, 2007 ugh crap like this almost convinces me to stay with my bf just so I can avoid dating. Lol coco. For the OP, I'll never understand it.. when I was dating this always baffled me. Like many ppl and the books will tell u. don't push.. give him his space.. he's probably just having one of those scared of commitment/panicky moments as dumb as it is. If he comes around..cool.. if not, he wasn't worth it. In the meantime...god.. i dunno try not to drive yourself crazy (i do this all the time lol).. i usually engross myself in ivillage.com, savvymiss.com or buy a stack or magazines and do girly things.. bt just try to keep urself busy or occupied and things will go by faster.
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted November 13, 2007 Author Posted November 13, 2007 i would just call him and ask what is up? at least then you can get an answer and not be subject to his whim. better than playing games and waiting to go crazy! Well I texted him to see if he was alive. He was gonna drive down from uptown, a long drive, last nite. I just said that i hope he was well and that he made it safely down here. After that he called me, we talk all of 7 minutes. Nothing too interesting, just said he had been busy today at work and he drove down last nite and got here at midnite. He sounded ok...not as excited as he usually is...said he was tired but still asked me to sing for him (he likes how i sing and likes me to sing when he's sleepy). I didnt, im way too sad for all that, and i think he noticed. He said he would talk to me tomorrow...we'll see. Im just so sad....i really like him and i hope things work out...i just dont know what to expect when it comes to men....they are very very strange creatures
nicki Posted November 13, 2007 Posted November 13, 2007 I really don't care what the books say the reason is for a guy to pull this kind of crap. It hurts. When it's happened to me, I stopped trusting the guy with my heart. If a guy can't communicate what is going on with him and resorts to pulling away without explanation, then he's not relationship material. I can understand if a guy gets a little distant and doesn't call as much because he's freaked out. But, when you ask him about it, he should be able to communicate, and then promise to let you know in the future what's on his mind. After all, if you are in a relationship, that's what couples do. But, to date for five months and then suddenly pull the old not calling for three days after you've been talking every day for months is just plain selfish on his part, no matter the reason. He's not thinking about you or your discomfort and confusion. So, ask him what's going on. Tell him you've noticed his behavior has changed. He should be forthcoming. If he's not, then simply pull away all of your attention. Don't call him. See if he calls you tomorrow. But, even if he does, do you trust him to not pull a disappearing act in the future? You really do deserve a consistently loving guy who will communicate with you.
nicki Posted November 13, 2007 Posted November 13, 2007 One other thing I learned is that when a guy is acting like this, don't chase him or reward him with extra attention. Simply express how much you like him, or love him, and want to be with him. But don't run after him. That will only cement this kind of behavior. It's kind of like when kids scream for candy at the grocery store. If you give in, they will continue that behavior every time you go to the store. If you give this guy sex, attention, etc. to get his attention back, then he will pull this kind of act again. It's much better to talk to him, find out what's going on and reward him when he's communicating with you. I've made the mistake before of basically throwing myself at a guy who wasn't paying attention to me anymore. Now, if he's not paying attention to me, I ask "What's up?" Then I express my interest, but I don't take any action until he either communicates or puts forth some effort on his part. Basically, I don't act like a girlfriend unless I'm being treated like one. Big hug to you
curiousnycgirl Posted November 13, 2007 Posted November 13, 2007 What you should do is get busy! Fill your time up with activities you like/love to do. DO NOT site at home pining for him and wondering what's going on. If he calls - great. If he calls and invites you to do something, and you're already booked - even better! Tell him you already have plans. Once you are in an established relationship, it is totally absurd for him to just disappear on you. The fact that he has identified you as his future wife certainly implies established relationship. I understand that he disappeared for valid/family reasons - and that's fine. What is NOT fine is his not telling you before disappearing. If this was a planned family event, he had every right to attend with or without you. If it was unplanned of course he needs to be there for his family. Neither of these options means it is acceptable to not tell you about it. Just go about your business, live your life (to the fullest), if he is a player (and was just playing with you) he'll move on. If he was sincere, he WILL call again. Good luck and hugs to you!
Trialbyfire Posted November 13, 2007 Posted November 13, 2007 If a guy can't communicate what is going on with him and resorts to pulling away without explanation, then he's not relationship material. I fully agree with this. I can understand if a guy gets a little distant and doesn't call as much because he's freaked out. But, when you ask him about it, he should be able to communicate, and then promise to let you know in the future what's on his mind. After all, if you are in a relationship, that's what couples do. I don't agree with this. If he's freaked out, this is his issue and he can easily do it again when you need him the most. I greatly value personal strength and reliability. If someone is so uncertain of their feelings, they're better left alone with some permanent space.
Jasmine8719 Posted November 13, 2007 Posted November 13, 2007 It's called the rubber band effect and it really sucks...I'm honestly fed up with it too lol...we go through something called the wave ...It all is explained in the book Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus ...It's really good you should get it...it explains ALOT... but best thing to do is let everything take it's course he'll be back...like everyone said above fill your time do things with your friends or make new friends that's what I've been doing...like tonight I think Im going for a swim... Do something for you... I feel like we (women) chase and chase when men pull away..Im tired of it...no more....no worries...relax -Jasmine
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted November 13, 2007 Author Posted November 13, 2007 Thank you so much all of you for such a great advice. It makes me feel SO much better im not the only one that this happens to. Ive read the mars venus book, and thats where i get that he need his space (thats lovely...just lovely ) I thought i was ready for it when and if it happened...but apparently i wasnt. I can easily get busy with other things...but i guess i needed a bit of reassurance (which you all provided so well) cuz otherwise i cant focus on anything else. I know ill be just fine with or without him...but i much rather be with him as he is a great guy and this is the first time he's pulled something where im completely lost. I guess time will tell. This whole "give him time" is such a tough lesson to learn.... ah well THank you all again!
Blue Eyed Brain Posted November 13, 2007 Posted November 13, 2007 He should be missing you more since he hasn't had contact with you in a few days (similar to the way YOU feel). If not, let him go....this behavior is not worth your time. Go out and get a facial (one hour long) and then get a bikini wax! Does wonders for me.....
Trialbyfire Posted November 13, 2007 Posted November 13, 2007 then get a bikini wax Are you a masochist?
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted November 13, 2007 Author Posted November 13, 2007 He should be missing you more since he hasn't had contact with you in a few days (similar to the way YOU feel). If not, let him go....this behavior is not worth your time. Go out and get a facial (one hour long) and then get a bikini wax! Does wonders for me..... Ohh id looove that!...maybe when i get paid i will haha. So..um..he just aimed me...said "hey there" and *poof!* dissapeared. Im starting to think this has a lot to do with his new job. His old job he was able to aim me easily...in his new job is not allowed, so he kinds sneaks thru his email to aim me. Still, you'd think he'll call at nite since he cant talk during the day.... Odd...just odd.... Specially after the mad, intense few weeks before all this, where he was calling me every day and wanting to see me constantly. I honestly felt he was falling..and now this... I guess ill wait it out...if nothing else, out of curiosity....what in the world could be going thru his head! Sometimes i really wonder if men and women are truly the same type of species.
Blue Eyed Brain Posted November 13, 2007 Posted November 13, 2007 Your coming up with all types of rationalizations because he is not telling you what you need to here. He should communicate to you: A. Having problems B. Not in love with you C. Trapped under something heavy and cannot communicate properly If you do not get communication from him, move on.
Kamille Posted November 13, 2007 Posted November 13, 2007 I really don't care what the books say the reason is for a guy to pull this kind of crap. It hurts. When it's happened to me, I stopped trusting the guy with my heart. If a guy can't communicate what is going on with him and resorts to pulling away without explanation, then he's not relationship material. I can understand if a guy gets a little distant and doesn't call as much because he's freaked out. But, when you ask him about it, he should be able to communicate, and then promise to let you know in the future what's on his mind. After all, if you are in a relationship, that's what couples do. But, to date for five months and then suddenly pull the old not calling for three days after you've been talking every day for months is just plain selfish on his part, no matter the reason. He's not thinking about you or your discomfort and confusion. So, ask him what's going on. Tell him you've noticed his behavior has changed. He should be forthcoming. If he's not, then simply pull away all of your attention. Don't call him. See if he calls you tomorrow. But, even if he does, do you trust him to not pull a disappearing act in the future? You really do deserve a consistently loving guy who will communicate with you. Love this post! I think the one thing that I dislike the most about guys pulling back is that it leaves us in the impossible position of having to remain calm and rational while having to address a problem that really plays with our emotions. Have you even asked him what was going on? See, I've learned that this is generally the best thing to do, but you have to ask at the right moment,when you are in the right frame of mind - after the facial, a massage, a good run and a bunch of things that make you feel good and confident. Ask as if in the midst of your million occupations you noticed he has pulled lately and you are hoping everything is all right with him (ie, don't assume this is about you). Waiting for him to call and then trying to judge his intentions by how long the call lasts and acting all weird and distant during the call? Not so much the way to go. The way I see it, it's passively trying to address the issue. You have two choices: either address the issue directly or force yourself to not worry about it - and when you are in contact with him, enjoy the contact, be in the moment. Act like his distancing himself doesn't bother you. (I have found that a combination of both works best... As in, be happy and confident and then tease him about how long it had been since you had gone for so long without seeing him).
nicki Posted November 13, 2007 Posted November 13, 2007 Great advice! I especially like the idea of being in a good place/mood before you talk to him. It makes things a lot less emotionally heavy, and it helps you to take care of yourself. I also like the phrasing you used, "Is everything okay with you?" Yeah, don't assume it's about you at all unless that's what he tells you. Great idea to say things in a teasing way! Most guys get the hint that way. But, of course, that works best as a gentle reminder someone's behavior needs correcting. A thoughtful, sensitive partner will respond to that kind of teasing. He'll know you are letting him know in a nice way and that he better pay attention to it. A selfish guy won't respond to it, and you'll get more upset. So, you've really got to ask yourself if this guy is even worth it. I can be a real b#tch. After calling attention to the matter, if he didn't communicate or put forth any effort, I'd probably just start going out with my friends every chance I got. So, when he finally did call me, I'd be in a noisy bar and have to call him back later....like in three days, or never.
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted November 13, 2007 Author Posted November 13, 2007 I can be a real b#tch. After calling attention to the matter, if he didn't communicate or put forth any effort, I'd probably just start going out with my friends every chance I got. So, when he finally did call me, I'd be in a noisy bar and have to call him back later....like in three days, or never. haha i like the way you put that I was about to ask him right now what the H** is up...not in those words exactly but ask him nonetheless... However, what holds me up...is that unfortunately this is the third time Ive gone thru this. THe last two times when the guys pulled this stunt off, I immediately asked them what was going on....and i got the feeling I asked too soon, because they both said they werent sure of what they felt and rather than hurt me, as it was obvious they were, they rather let me go. The first guy that this happened with regretted it, but was convinced he would hurt me if we tried to be together again. THe last one...well he was an A** so who cares. My point is, im afraid to ask too soon, i dont want to rush it if he's freaked out. When would it be an appropiate time to ask? Im pretty calm right now (the freak out was throughout the weekend and I knew better than to call him then), but im not sure this is the right time. SHould i wait for him to come around and THEN asked him what happened? Another thing...if this is the third time in a row...it couldnt possibly be them...what is it that im doing to scare them off like this??? anyone has any ideas???
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted November 13, 2007 Author Posted November 13, 2007 Oh god Oh god Oh god.... I just asked him if everything is alright over aim. I asked him if everything is alright with him cuz he seemed a bit "down" these days....this was after i asked him if he liked his new job (he aimed me). he just said "its alright" He has not responded.... And my heart is beating right out of my chest.....i am SO scared right now..... This is horrible....
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted November 13, 2007 Author Posted November 13, 2007 His response was "just missing you" Is he toying with me? or im just completely losing it and making things up in my head?
gonetildecember Posted November 13, 2007 Posted November 13, 2007 Just missing you.. but isn't making any effort to contact/see you? what else has he said? brought up anything else that is going on with him?
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted November 13, 2007 Author Posted November 13, 2007 Just missing you.. but isn't making any effort to contact/see you? what else has he said? brought up anything else that is going on with him? Nope nothing more, I said aw i miss you to, he put a happy face and asked if he could see me tonight. what. in. the. WORLD!!!
gonetildecember Posted November 13, 2007 Posted November 13, 2007 Maybe he's had his time to do his whole rubber band thing and now he's ready to be normal again?!? lol Did you agree? Are you going to see him tonight. I think you mentionned something about him starting a new job, maybe the distance//lack of availability could be as a result of that.. but like some other posters mentionned the extent to which it went was not really cool. If it was just the whole rubberband/pulling back thing and he just had to process his feelings, i hope it's done with and he's ready to commit/communicate.
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted November 13, 2007 Author Posted November 13, 2007 If it was just the whole rubberband/pulling back thing and he just had to process his feelings, i hope it's done with and he's ready to commit/communicate. Im praying this is what it is...although if it is...i have a feeling (me and my feelings) that he is still processing but realized i was getting antsy about his non-contact status.... I did agree to see him...but im gonna keep it cool...let him lead....if he's still processing (im starting to envision this as a brewing process....) I dont want to disturb whatever natural response he's gonna get from his rummings.... WE shall see....
Recommended Posts