Ma-Mie Posted November 12, 2007 Posted November 12, 2007 Hi, I'm in a relationship with someone since now a bit more than 7months. Before then, we were very close for 1year and a half, its just that I could not resolve to take the step and he still waited for me. I'm quite frankly madly in love with him and I'm confident he feels the same way. This year we are living apart but we spend at least every night toghether, more than often eating at least dinner toghether as well. I have no problem with him going out without me and he's fine with me going out too. The thing is I still miss him in these occasions and I have trouble not saying 'I missed you' afterwards : eventhough its sweet and it'll make him happy, I also know that he will feel guilty leaving me behind next time. Why 'leaving me behind'? Well, I'm totally broke. I am a uni student and I work alot, on coursework and at my two part time jobs (which are just enough to pay rent etc). Lately I've been so exhausted I keep getting ill. Last week he felt really frustrated about the situation, comparing how his parents at our age used to go on numerous travels etc. The thing is, as I told him, they didn't have university. They could work to save money then go. I don't even have any time for hobbies I used to do : drawing, writing, etc. No sport either... :'( We have big plans for at the end of the year after we graduate : moving to japan and living toghether for example. We'll be working and I intend to do a master when I can afford to..., so its not like we have nothing. I feel like this is affecting us greatly. I feel really sad because I hate seeing him getting frustrated like that, I hate feeling frustrated that much myself. I have to calculate how much I spend all the time because if I spend too much I'll have to live off nothing at the end of the month to make up for it and it'll feel even worse. We also don't live in such a bbig city, so we don't have that many activities available... It feels like we've been forced into a routine and I can't find a way out of it : everytime I try one of us has to work, or I'm ill, or there's huge coursework, etc (infinite list of to do things). I am not sure what I'm asking of you who had the kindness to read this, not sure if I have a right to complain either... its just so frustrating to be so happy with someone and slowly see how we end up so frustrated not to be able to share it so much. We try loads of things but there is allways that reminder 'tomorrow I have an awfully busy and draining day', 'I have a tons of deadlines this week'; 'I've had no time to do things for myself so I don't have that much new to share outside from daily trivialities and hopes for the future (most being rather unrealistic or immediately remind us of the many to dos)', 'I have no money to do it unless I don't do that, that that afterwards'........ Is there anyone in a similar situation who has any kind of advice maybe? I was thinking that I should suggest to him spending time apart once every few days, or while, even if we're not gonna do anything on our side, just so we get time for ourself, even just to do nothing (since we allways seem to have things to do) and obviously we'd endup like tonight just doing lots of work to help controlling deadline related stress etc. There is no question of this affecting our love for each other, its just that I feel its affecting both of us emotionnally and lately physically and I find it quite scary... Sorry this post is so long guys, thank you.
acrosstheroom Posted November 12, 2007 Posted November 12, 2007 Sounds very typical of college relationships. Of course you have people that will go out and party all the time, or have their parents money to spend. You mentioned a few different things in your post. I'll comment on a few. Going to college is not cheap, easy, and you don't usually have a lot of free time, especially if you were part time. So time is scarce, if you like spending time with your bf but find yourself spending a lot of money when you do, try to find ways to save money when you go out. Maybe something like a coupon book, or eat a small snack before you go out for dinner and get a smaller meal. Be honest with him about it, tell him flat out you don't have a lot of money and can't be going out to dinner's, movies, etc. all the time. It sounds like he is madly in love with you and you are to him, I am sure he will understand and try and help.
Author Ma-Mie Posted November 13, 2007 Author Posted November 13, 2007 Thanks for your reply! The thing is he knows all about it already... To be honest my relationship with him feels strangely perfect in this respect : we are very good at communicating, we both feel entirely confortable telling anything to each other (I can't imagine a thing I couldn't tell him...), we allways resolve conflicts sensibly even if we have silly misunderstandings etc, the conflicts never seem to be about fundamental differences in how we like each other or see our relationship. We're also both quite mature and we each have many friends (btw I love mine but its s hard to say 'I don't even have money to go out with my bf so I'm sorry ' -actually what I do then is I invite them for dinner and cook something nice, I love cooking and it come up very cheap) He undrestands that I can't follow his expenses, he actually makes me so many gifts sometimes its embarassing that all I can do is simple things like litle attentions (notes at unexpected places, cooking something he really likes, etc.). But I can understand he still gets frustrated that I can't have more than a cheap meal at a restaurant or that I only go to places if I have a reduction voucher >_> or that I take ages to drink a drink because the next one would add up to the bill... (and that when he asks I frankly say I can't afford it and I'd rather he didn't allways offer me everything). I bear with it without complaining much because its my problem and im responsible for my money but i can see why he feels like that... maybe he feels like he can't help me as much as he'd have like to... Anyway, I think its not a relationship problem I guess... (unless the fact that he fels he can't help me enough is). I don't know how to see it... maybe just a kind of life trial : making it through the few months left of my uni life, if possible healthy, whithout it destroying a relationship that's going so well and possibly with a bit of savings. Maybe you're right, seeing others all free from money obligations entirely is starting to feel very harsh...
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