sedgwick Posted November 12, 2007 Posted November 12, 2007 I've been back in NYC for one week today. Getting back into my life slowly but surely. I'm proud of myself that I've kept from calling him, I've kept him blocked, I've gone 9 weeks now with NC. But I'm angry at him for not having been waiting on my stoop with flowers when I got home. He knows where I live. He knows my friends. He wouldn't have to try too hard to find me if he REALLY wanted to talk to me, so all I can do is keep on ignoring him and trying to heal. The only thing I can assume at this point is that he doesn't want anything to do with me. Am I right about this, guys? If you really love a girl, if you really feel like you've messed up, you'll AT LEAST go to her apartment. If she ignores your calls and emails, aren't you going to try to talk to her in person? I just feel like this should be obvious to him. It sucks that the whole "NC will bring them back" thing turned out not to be true. I'm so mad at him for so many reasons. I mean, when I look objectively at the facts of this relationship, I know I was a really good girlfriend, and I know his friends were glad he had found me. I know he was attracted to me; if he wasn't, he did a great job of faking it. He told me he had more of an emotional connection with me than he'd had with any of his girlfriends since his first love. We didn't fight, we had a great time together, we never ran out of things to talk about, I didn't care that he had to run off and play music all the time, I didn't want kids, we came from the same background, we had similar goals in life and felt the same things were important...I just really, really don't get it. Was the whole thing a lie? God, it's driving me crazy.
Saxis Posted November 12, 2007 Posted November 12, 2007 No, the whole NC thing doesn't help to bring someone back. It only helps you heal. If you've ignored him for 9 weeks, he'd be an idiot to keep trying to contact you. By not contacting you anymore, he's trying to heal and move on himself. You can't have expectations during this stage. When you have both completely healed, then it's possible that somewhere down the road you can start over again. Find things that keep you occupied and your mind off him. It will get easier with time.
LakesideDream Posted November 12, 2007 Posted November 12, 2007 Gotta agree with Sax. You have been NC for two months, moved to NYC, dont everything you could do to discourage him, .... he's discouraged. Women often expect men to read their minds, you can't expect him to know your motive for NC was to have him show up on your doorstep with flowers. Sure you are still hurting, you are using NC to make yourself better, keep it up, you are doing what you want.
Author sedgwick Posted November 12, 2007 Author Posted November 12, 2007 I have no idea if he's tried to contact me or not. I blocked his phone/email/myspace the last time we talked, which was Aug 28. I ran off to Mexico. We both live in NYC, but I took off to Mexico for 7 weeks. He was on tour for three months -- he's a musician, and the day he broke up with me was the day he left for tour. So now I'm back, and I know he was supposed to be back at this time too. I just feel like if he really loved me he'd stop at nothing to let me know it, and coming to my house is not that big a deal. I mean, if he loves me, wouldn't he at least try coming and talking to me in person when we both get back to town?
Curious139 Posted November 12, 2007 Posted November 12, 2007 Well Sedg if I were him, I'd certainly do something to let you know. What has happened is you went away, NC, but in the secret place in your heart you wanted him to be pining for you and to catch up when you returned. I've thought the same - all to no avail. Perhaps he is discouraged but you must also take into your heart the thought that he is now in a different place from which he doesn't want to return. That really hurts - acceptance. However once you reach that stage, there is peace too. I feel for you are wish you the best. Aside from that, how did the writing in Mexico go? I've been off here for a while so haven't caught up.
cant let go Posted November 13, 2007 Posted November 13, 2007 Sedg, you're expectations are unrealistic. this isn't a john hughes movie...it's your life. you said that you wouldn't make it easy for him. are you sure you want him back? it is possible you are using nc for all the wrong reasons. if you want him back you are going to have to be desirable he needs to know what he is missing. guys don't want to have to work hard to get someone. would you? you need to either give up and just commit to getting over him or take a chance on contacting him. you are stuck in the middle and you need to make a decision on a path to take. you can't grow from this until you allow yourself.
Author sedgwick Posted November 13, 2007 Author Posted November 13, 2007 The thing is, if I knew he had tried to contact me, it would all be different. I blocked every means of communication from him. I have been unable to receive phone calls or emails from him for two and a half months. He was such a jerk the last time we talked, so cold. And I'm getting such conflicting advice from everybody. Straight women say, this is an only child who has been spoiled by his mommy his whole life and he doesn't want to grow up. He doesn't want a woman who's more successful than he is. He doesn't want to be with a woman who intimidates him. He wants to be with someone who will take care of him and make his needs the most important thing. Straight men say, you don't give up the tattooed bisexual bellydancer girlfriend with big boobs who totally adores you and has her own life and hides porn in your suitcase when you go on tour. You don't give up that girlfriend because she's not a musician. But you might dump her if she was more successful than you. Gay men say, he needs space? NEW MEXICO, honey. He'd have to bring over a chariot full of diamonds. God, so yeah, there's the issue: I don't know if he's tried to contact me or not. No idea. If I call him up and say, "Have you tried to contact me," and he says, "no," then I look like a total jacka$$.
carrotgirl Posted November 13, 2007 Posted November 13, 2007 Sed, I don't know what goes through the mind of anyone other than me and that's hard enough to sort. You've read my stuff. You know this to be true. Up one day down two, sometimes overly stressed from work, lonely, unsure, and also sometimes confident, cocky, completely comfortable and self aware. No, I don't believe people who love each other will go to any length to prove it. I don't believe love is always equal. I don't believe every dog has his day. I don't believe there is a cosmic rule book guaranteeing love if only we stick to the plan. I try to stick with what I know. What I know is that this is my life right now. No one lives it but me and I don't want to squander any of it. I don't always get to choose from the perfect fantasies, but luckily, I get to choose to come and go as I please, eat what I please, wear what I please, BE who I please. You also know - I take in the information, roll it around, taste it and usually do my own thing anyway. At the end of the day, the day is mine to own. It can end well or end poorly. Multiply that by weeks and years. I don't look back and say I wish I had, or if only I had or wonder what I could have should have done instead. This means I make a lot of mistakes. The beautiful thing is that I GET TO MAKE mistakes and when I weigh and decide for myself I have very few, almost no regrets for those mistakes. No what ifs. Each girl has to get her own style (same goes for guys). If these decisions of late aren't bringing you comfort, try making some different decisions. To paraphrase the very wise Guru Alfalfa, You've got to live your own life. Love to you Sed, Carrot
cant let go Posted November 13, 2007 Posted November 13, 2007 this is an only child who has been spoiled by his mommy his whole life and he doesn't want to grow up. hey! we're in love with the same guy! i hear what you are saying about how it would look if you asked if he tried to contact you. however, you can always contact him just to see how he is doing and not ask if he's tried to contact you. it seems to me that you need closure and he's not bringing it to you. you don't need to be aggressive about it. maybe something less direct. can you 'bump' into him somewhere? but then again. maybe you need to just keep pushing through. this is a turbulent time and if you really want to get over him the best would be to just let go. the most important lesson i have learned throughout this time is that there is only one way we can all move... forward. no matter how good things were before we are all being given this opportunity to better ourselves. it sucks ass because for most of us our exes really need to be working on their issues too. but we can only control our own actions. and the better person you become the harder it will be for him to justify his decision to let you go. one day he's going to realize. it may be too late. but hey, he's an idiot. my ex is an idiot. i just keep telling myself over and over. but i pray that god will help him to realize these things. it will take time. but we all need to let go of things and make ourselves more loving and more lovable. in the end, it will all pay off. at least that's what i need to keep believing. i'd like to apologize for my horrific grammar in the above passage.
tinke Posted November 13, 2007 Posted November 13, 2007 if he wants to be with you...there's nothing that would keep him away... if he doesn't want to be with you..there's nothing that you can make him stay. read this on LS..good thought! take care
Author sedgwick Posted November 13, 2007 Author Posted November 13, 2007 cant_let_go, thank you, that was very well said. I appreciate it. I know that all I can do is work to better myself, and I'm trying. It's hard; I'm depressed about how all of this has gone down. I really thought he was the love of my life, but...I guess he wasn't. I'm starting to hope that means there's someone even better in the future, although right now the thought of going on a date with anyone else is still totally gross to me. tinke, that's a good thing to keep in mind, and that's what I've been telling myself. Of course, at this point, I want to be with him, but I'm willing to give him up to keep my dignity. I will not contact him, even though I want more than anything to be with him. I fight every day not to run to him. So I guess it could be said that I love him but there's something keeping me away...
Spinderella Posted November 13, 2007 Posted November 13, 2007 Sedge, Theres only one way to find out. And thats by contacting him! Sure it might make you feel awful if it turns out that he's not been thinking about you at all, or even found someone else, or any other unpleasant scenario, but how much worse is that really to how you feel already? Those little seeds of doubt will keep you from getting over him. And if it turns out he has been kicking himself ever since, then isnt it worth the risk? Whats the worst that can happen? He gets an ego boost? So what? And if it breaks your heart all over again, well maybe thats the final closure you would need. Just my opinion
Author sedgwick Posted November 13, 2007 Author Posted November 13, 2007 I just couldn't handle it, Spin. I want so badly to contact him, but I've managed to convince myself he hasn't thought of me at all, much less tried to get in touch. The very last thing I said to him was, "You may have had women tell you this so much it doesn't mean anything to you anymore, but I love you unconditionally, for exactly who you are." He said, "Nobody's ever said that to me before." I said, "Do you understand how much I love you?" He said, "I do. I'm sorry I couldn't give you what you wanted," and I was crying and I said "Okay, bye," and hung up. That was the point at which I blocked email/phone/myspace. During that same conversation, I said, "You played with my heart, and you broke it, and now I know what you meant about the way XXX (ex-gf before me) treated you. It really sucks to have to go through feeling this way." So yeah, in light of that conversation, I feel like he probably just sees me as pathetic and isn't thinking about me at all. Or he's found his musician. But what I'd like to think is that my memory may have haunted him a little. Anyway, he knows where I live. If he really loves me and wants to talk to me, he can show up in person. I don't think it's that much to ask.
Spinderella Posted November 13, 2007 Posted November 13, 2007 Yeah well you are probably right to keep away. It's probably better for people to ignore my advice today, I've decided. No, I doubt if he has any sense that he will see you as pathetic. I think he would more likely see you as human.
tinke Posted November 13, 2007 Posted November 13, 2007 i don't know, i say...forget dignity. if you are really searching for some answers and want to know his present feelings, why not contact him...so what if he is amused, etc. you will get what you need from it, one way or the other....at least you will know you had reached out.
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