Naria Posted November 12, 2007 Posted November 12, 2007 My domestic partner (heterosexual, together 16 years) basically had an emotional infidelity and I just can't get over it. I think because I just don't believe he loves me anymore. Even if he does, I just can't seem to let it go. I just can't let it go and I don't know what I should do. I feel like it is just eating away at me.
quankanne Posted November 12, 2007 Posted November 12, 2007 have you spoken with a counselor yet? Or someone who can help you get back on track? Sometimes an uninvolved third party can help get things back on track for you. am truly, truly sorry to hear about the infidelity, and can only imagine how horrible this is making you feel. Do you want me to send my sisters over to sit on him and squash him like the bug that he is? hugs, q
Author Naria Posted November 12, 2007 Author Posted November 12, 2007 No, we talked about it and I think we will. It is just hard to determine what is my own long standing issues and what are the current ones. I have had a tendency in the past to do the following, once someone hurts me, I just turn off my feelings for them. I do not want to do this in this situation, as I think I have pushed him away intially. We have a one year child. We own our home, cars etc. Basically he developed a crush on someone from online gaming. He said once he realized it was affecting our relationship he ended their contact. He said he told the other person he couldn't chat with them anymore because it was negatively affect his relationship with me. I was clueless really. But now I just hate him and I dont want to. I think counseling is a good idea, it is just getting there. I tend to lock things deep inside and he is well back to being happy. (As long as I am happy or acting happy, he is happy generally). But I think about it weekly it dominates my thoughts and I am so hurt and I just want him to go away. I feel childish.
minerva63 Posted November 12, 2007 Posted November 12, 2007 Have you told him all of this? Have you asked why he felt compelled to go outside your relationship for intimacy? Have you thought about what he could do to relieve the hurt? Rather than psuh him away you both need to take positive action. Remember, love is a verb.
wowIlose Posted November 12, 2007 Posted November 12, 2007 I also think you should communicate with him. Ask why this happened so you at least have some closure and aren't left wondering.
Curious139 Posted November 12, 2007 Posted November 12, 2007 Sometimes these things just happen without either party looking for it. A connection, a sense of warmth, understanding, can develop when two people communicate. That doesn't mean it will develop into an affair or anything deeper. We all need that occasional lift that connecting with another person can give. It isn't nescessarily romantic and often is simply friendship. I strongly recommend you talk honestly to your partner. You are feeling betrayed, threatened, undermined, and insecure which are all valid reactions for you. However if you both love one another you can deal with it. I also recommend counselling for yourself. What you appear to be suffering from is attachment anxiety. You are afraid that the person you have invested your emotional security in is going to leave. So in order to protect yourself, you cut him off emotionally. This is a deep issue that therapy can help with. Finally, you need to forgive him for having the experience and admire him for being honest. You also need to forgive yourself for the feelings of uncertainty. Be kind to you. All the best.
lillylove Posted November 14, 2007 Posted November 14, 2007 I can relate to what you are going though....my husband didn't have an affair, but in his daily work outings he met someone who opened his eyes to what was missing in our marriage......she made him feel wanted and special, something I haven't been doing... He says he wants to work things out, but I can't get past the whole issue of him telling me he wanted to leave me. It is so very hard as I really do love him...... Just thought I would let you know that someone out here feels just like you do....
KittenMoon Posted November 14, 2007 Posted November 14, 2007 Wow. I think you are really lucky. Why do I say that? Because there are scores of folks on here who have had partners go elsewhere for emotional intimacy, say they've broken contact, and then actually haven't. And a lot of this goes on IRL, not online. 1) Are you sure he's broken off ALL contact with this person? (If so, you are a lucky woman, because a lot of guys wouldn't do this!) 2) Have you considered a few sessions of conselling TOGETHER? You might be able to express yourselves to each other more effectively with a neutral third party there to help regulate. You may not need counselling per sé, rather, just a neutral, referreed playing field to work with each other on. Good luck- I'd advise against too quickly throwing away 16 years over this- see if you can work on things first.
kirikat Posted November 14, 2007 Posted November 14, 2007 When there is another person, it is usually because some needs - stated or unstated, are not being met. Usually these needs are very deep, and go down to the soul. I want to encourage you to stop looking at the "other person" issue, and pay attention to the issue at hand, which is your partner and your relationship. A man with a one year old child is likely to be feeling deeply threatened. For men, children represent the loss of thier "youth" and "freedom". They often feel threatened by the need to live up to their own image of being a "good dad" - of being an adult, of being a man and no longer a kid. Your partner TOLD you this. He reached out. He is trying to fix it. This isnt about you, it isnt about her - its about him and growth and soul stuff, and I would encourage you to try and be as compassionate as possible to both yourself and to him. Because now you have a child, and no matter what happens, this man will always be your family.
Grace112 Posted November 14, 2007 Posted November 14, 2007 Naria, I understand that it is difficult to cope with the idea that your partner may have developed feelings for someone else. As much as that hurts, it should feel amazing that he recognized the problem and tried to nip it in the bud. He loves you and cares enough for the relationship to not only put an end to that temptation, but also to be honest with you about it. Speaking from personal experience, someone that cares for you that much is special. I let my own insecurities get in the way and it clouded my judgment. Now he's moving to be with another girl that appreciates how deeply he can love.
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