Elle2007 Posted November 12, 2007 Posted November 12, 2007 I have been married to my husband for 4 years now, I am 25 and he is 28 (so i married at a young age). I suppose it all started when i fell pregnant with him before we were engaged, where he said the 'right thing to do was to terminate', until we do things right, as in build our careers, and live together happily ever after. But i am still waiting - for pretty much all of those dreams to come true. We have tried to have children for a few years now, without any luck. I have been through tests and found that everything is 'working' and have unexplained infertility. We have been told to go down the IVF path, but this freaks me out since i am now not 100% sure we should do this if i keep thinking about leaving. I love my husband, and sometimes i cant imagine coping without him, but our living arrangements really get to me sometimes. Ever since we were engaged we have been living with the in-laws, under the same roof. His parents are quite old and dont speak english very well. I am told they like me, but its hard living in a house with people who ignore you. We have lived on our own for 6 months at a time together but we keep on coming back where we started. The reason why this keeps happening is due to buying houses, taking out loans and building up 'our future'. My thoughts are, what is the point if there is the possibility of not making it into the future together? Due to all the loans he works long hours, so i dont feel we see or communicate as much as we should. We talk about leaving his parents house often, but he says we cant until October (next year). He wants to have kids, and have them where we are so the in-laws can help us with 'child care' while we work. I feel like my life is arranged and mapped out for me, we arent living the way a normal married couple lives, growing 'together' and i also feel he will never change and he will never leave his parents house. I want freedom, I want to be independent and to know what it is like to live on my own (since i have never had that op[ortunity as i have been with this guy since i was 18). I just keep feeling trapped and unhappy, and i think about leaving but am scared i will make the wrong decision. its just terrible to have to hurt someone, especially if they havent actually 'done' anything wrong. Anyway, i appreciate your thoughts and/or views...
Ladyjane14 Posted November 12, 2007 Posted November 12, 2007 Well, to begin with... you should DEFINITELY put off having children until you know your mind a little bit better. Starting a family creates MORE stress, not less. There's nothing too unusual in your post in terms of young couples struggling with financial difficulties. Unfortunately, it's all too common for most. I think maybe where you're getting into trouble here is that you're feeling like life is just dragging you along rather than you, yourself, commanding the course of it. You apparently feel strongly that you want to be independent of your in-laws, and maybe you're feeling just a little bit frustrated at the prospect of being 'unheard' by your mate in that regard. If you're going to pull this thing out of the ditch though, you can't be afraid to stand up for 'deal-breaking' issues. You protect the marriage when you consistently take the path of least resentment. If you're at the point where you'd rather be alone than to continue on together as you are now, you have nothing to lose by putting that out on the table, right? Before you throw in the towel, why not share all this with your husband? Perhaps if he knows just how precarious the situation is, you can sit down together and hash it out until you come up with a solution you can BOTH be enthusiastic about.
privyet Posted November 12, 2007 Posted November 12, 2007 I agree with previous poster. There are a lot of issues to discuss and the first thing you need to do is sit down, at an appropriate time (when you both have time, and are well-rested and relaxed - set aside the time) and talk about the things that are bothering you in a very calm and rational way - no blame, no anger, but just an honest discussion about your worries. We too went through 5 years of trying before i was diagnosed with infertility. This too put enormous strain on your marriage (see my other post on 'emotional infidelity' for the proof!) Important thing is to NOT stop communicating - you need to both make your needs known to each other, and show respect for those needs. You are young and these kinds of problems are not uncommon - if you really care for each other, I don't hear anything in what you're saying that indicates you need to think about throwing in the towel - it will never be easy, and that's true of any relationship. Think about some of the things you like, and weigh that as well.
bethboricua Posted November 13, 2007 Posted November 13, 2007 Let me just say this . . . I am in the same boat as you hunny. I too live with my husband (whom I've been with for almost 6 years, and married for almost 5) and his family. It is NOT easy! I am 23, and I got married at 18 going on 19. Very young. I am also very confused about my situation. . . but I'm sure your hubby is an understanding guy, so you should sit him down and talk to him about what's bothering you. It's a scary thought, but it must be done. Not by yelling or being rude, but by telling him you want your relationship to flourish more, and you think that moving out will make your relationship a little stronger Feel free to message back hun! I know exactly what you're going through. . . I hope things work out for you
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