Citizen Erased Posted November 12, 2007 Posted November 12, 2007 Okay so I don't tend to have too many serious threads on here, never been really great at opening up about anything. But lately I have been having doubts about my relationship with my boyfriend. It feels terrible even admitting this to myself. But it has been driving me nuts and I guess it's about time I shared it on here. So I have been with him for 3 years. Since I was 17. The cliched High School Sweethearts I moved into his parents place after I had to leave my mothers home when I was 18. It was a HUGE mistake. I had my doubts at the time, especially seeing as he had wanted to break up not much before that. But I said yes so that's my own fault. I could have remained living with my grandmother but I knew if I said no that would be the end of us and I was head over heels. Well anyway, for the past 6 months I have been not so happy. With us both working, making separate friends etc we have ended up with nothing in common. We literally have nothing to talk about. I get home and it's about what he did at work, some "hilarious" stunt he did with his car or whatever. I knew at the time we started dating how different we were. I don't want to sound up myself, but the gap between us intellectually is huge. He doesn't either "get" me or understand half of what I am saying. I can't have an intelligent conversation with him. I don't think we ever had one. It was always purely physical, and even that lately has been lacking. I was talking this over with someone else and I said that I probably should have left him after High School. This is of course not his fault. But I guess we want our lives to go in different directions. They always were going differently, but now I don't have the drive to keep them at least somewhere close to each other. I have been thinking about going overseas for awhile, but with my life the way it is now, I doubt I would ever come back even to this country. And if I stay with him, I never will travel. I feel suffocated. The thing is, we are meant to be getting our own place start of next year. If I move out with him my life is set. We won't have the money to go anywhere, let alone me go to the US or Europe. And I don't mean to go for a month. I want to work overseas, go anywhere. Even if I stay 2 years in the first place I land, I will be a million times happier then I have ever been here. And that scares me to no end. I don't want my life to end up like my mothers. She was miserable the whole time she was married to my father. She was pregnant with my sister at 16 and me at 19. My youngest brother was born when she was 24. She left my dad because she was smothered. I don't want to raise a family and then 10 or so years down the track need to get the hell out of there. And I just know this is how it will end up. Oh God I need to leave this house. And now after this I have to go and lay down beside him. I hate myself for even thinking about leaving him, seeing as I pursued him in the first place. I convinced him not to break up and I was the one pushing to leave this place.
dbtmarley Posted November 12, 2007 Posted November 12, 2007 I don't want my life to end up like my mothers. She was miserable the whole time she was married to my father. She was pregnant with my sister at 16 and me at 19. My youngest brother was born when she was 24. She left my dad because she was smothered. I don't want to raise a family and then 10 or so years down the track need to get the hell out of there. And I just know this is how it will end up. Coco, The statement above caught my attention. My step mother was married to a man for close to 25 years that pretty much sounded like what you described. When she passed I knew she died with regrets... wishing she had done more with her life. It was mainly him, he never wanted to do anything and outside of the physical part of the relationship there really was nothing there. When she died I told my best friend that I hope the person I love does not die with regret... I hope they would have the courage and the where with all to ditch me... Man I don't want to be like him. Coco, make the decision that is right for you... and do it soon. They say time is money, but I think time is life!
Lyssa Posted November 12, 2007 Posted November 12, 2007 Seeing that you both have nothing in common, it is best if you both go separate ways. I don't think you have it in you to drag him along. If you decide to leave him, it will hurt him but he'll get over it. Other than that, dbtmarley said it all. "Follow what your heart tells you.." - Gandalf
littlekitty Posted November 12, 2007 Posted November 12, 2007 Coco, you seem to have all the answers already. You know what it is you need to do. Now you just have to dig deep and find the courage to do it. Please do. Don't live a life of regret for things you never did.
lovelorcet Posted November 12, 2007 Posted November 12, 2007 Coco, you seem to have all the answers already. You know what it is you need to do. Now you just have to dig deep and find the courage to do it. Please do. Don't live a life of regret for things you never did. I agree... Dump your bf and find a way to go abroad. What kind of background do you have for working/studying abroad?
Lizzie60 Posted November 12, 2007 Posted November 12, 2007 You know exactly what is wrong.. and you know that you need to end this relationship... now it's time to move on... don't move with him... just leave him... go your way, time to find someone who is your 'equal' in all areas. It won't get better, trust me, it will only get worst.. and now that you have expressed exactly how you feel and how the relationship is going.. you will see every little things and it will only get on your nerves more.. Time to move on! I know it's easier said than done... but you can't go on for years saying that this is not for you.. blablabla.. you got to take your life in your own hands.. no one can do it for you. Good luck!
Trialbyfire Posted November 12, 2007 Posted November 12, 2007 Sometimes I find it funny when people use the term intellectual equals. Do they truly understand what the term means or is it just an excuse to say "I have more superior interests than you do". Btw, there are some serious chemistry and physics associated to trains, planes and automobiles. You're young darlin_coco. You're obviously not ready to settle down yet so go out, be single and enjoy the world. Just make sure it's not the typical "grass is greener" syndrome and you're giving up someone for a pipe dream.
tanbark813 Posted November 12, 2007 Posted November 12, 2007 Well it's not really all that surprising to be having these kinds of thoughts. Most couples who get together in high school tend not to stay together afterwards either because of life changes such as college or merely as a result of the amount of personal change a person goes through during that time. But your post sounds more like you know what to do and are just gathering the courage to do it rather than just debating about what to do.
quankanne Posted November 12, 2007 Posted November 12, 2007 coco, there's no shame in admitting that it's quitting time in a relationship. Chances are, he might be feeling the same, but unable to form it into a specific thought to vocalize. Because when you've grown up together, it's hard to say "let's end it" because of the shared history. however, when you know it's time to go, then it's definitely time to go. Especially if you're growing in different directions and there's no longer the same attraction for the other person (intellectually, physically, spiritually). Now is the time to do it, while your bond to him isn't as solid as it would be if you were living together, engaged or married. feelings might get hurt, but it's better to face that now, when you aren't as solidly committed. good luck
Krytie TV Posted November 12, 2007 Posted November 12, 2007 The thing is, we are meant to be getting our own place start of next year. If I move out with him my life is set. First of all, you couldn't be farther from the truth. I'm 33 and I lived with someone for 2 years when I was 28. My life is now nothing like it was then. Do you think that two years wasted my life? Hardly. At any rate, it is very common for people your age to grow apart. That's why it is such a horribly bad idea to get married at a young age. The person that either of you are now will not even be the people you are at 26 or even 35. But your "curve" for change is the steepest it will ever be at this moment. You will never change so much in your life as you will in the next 4 years. So listen to your doubts. You two will likely just continue to grow apart.
Storyrider Posted November 12, 2007 Posted November 12, 2007 The only reasons you stated for staying with him are based in guilt. You can't stay with him just because you're the one who started it. You're young and you're not married and you don't have kids. You don't have much to feel guilty about, if anything. You will continue to go through huge changes, probably until you are in your late twenties. It is difficult to choose who to marry until these changes settle down. I married at 24 after several long term relationships and now, looking back, I still think I was too young. This time in your life is for exploring your options.
Author Citizen Erased Posted November 12, 2007 Author Posted November 12, 2007 Coco, The statement above caught my attention. My step mother was married to a man for close to 25 years that pretty much sounded like what you described. When she passed I knew she died with regrets... wishing she had done more with her life. It was mainly him, he never wanted to do anything and outside of the physical part of the relationship there really was nothing there. When she died I told my best friend that I hope the person I love does not die with regret... I hope they would have the courage and the where with all to ditch me... Man I don't want to be like him. Coco, make the decision that is right for you... and do it soon. They say time is money, but I think time is life! I'm not so sure my bf will take it that way lol I am just no sure I have the strength to do this. He is pretty much the only family I have as such. He is my best friend. I grew up with him. I am just as scared of leaving him and then realising down the track that I made a huge mistake
Author Citizen Erased Posted November 12, 2007 Author Posted November 12, 2007 Seeing that you both have nothing in common, it is best if you both go separate ways. I don't think you have it in you to drag him along. If you decide to leave him, it will hurt him but he'll get over it. Other than that, dbtmarley said it all. "Follow what your heart tells you.." - Gandalf If this was someone else I would probably say the same thing. But at the moment I just feel like it is impossible. Did you just quote LOTR to me? lol
coco_milkshake Posted November 12, 2007 Posted November 12, 2007 I'm not so sure my bf will take it that way lol I am just no sure I have the strength to do this. He is pretty much the only family I have as such. He is my best friend. I grew up with him. I am just as scared of leaving him and then realising down the track that I made a huge mistake Where do your family live?? Coco, have you tried sitting down with your BF and talking over the problems in your relationship? What are his views on this?
Author Citizen Erased Posted November 12, 2007 Author Posted November 12, 2007 Where do your family live?? Coco, have you tried sitting down with your BF and talking over the problems in your relationship? What are his views on this? My dad and my brother live in Cairns. My mother lives near me. My sister lives in the city, my grandparents live near me and I have aunts and Uncles in different states, not to mention relatives in Spain, Ireland and Scotland. Yet I could NEVER live with any of them. To me I pretty much don't have a family. My family are my friends and boyfriend. That's the thing, he does not communicate at all. If I say anything about this to him then he will get defensive, close up and that will be that. We have no way of sorting these issues out because to him his thoughts are the only right ones. He has always had his own way and now even as he grows up he still has that mind set.
Lyssa Posted November 13, 2007 Posted November 13, 2007 If this was someone else I would probably say the same thing. But at the moment I just feel like it is impossible. Did you just quote LOTR to me? lol Everything seems impossible right now when things are going haywire. Sucks big time. Yes, I believe I did.. will quote Legolas too, if you like!
Author Citizen Erased Posted November 13, 2007 Author Posted November 13, 2007 Everything seems impossible right now when things are going haywire. Sucks big time. Yes, I believe I did.. will quote Legolas too, if you like! Yeah it does. I have no idea what I am going to do, how to go about this. Maybe I should just leave... hey Coco want to move out with me? LOL Ooh you just know how to talk dirty to me don't you
Author Citizen Erased Posted November 13, 2007 Author Posted November 13, 2007 Sorry to everyone else who replied, I read them all but I'm kinda tired at the moment But I appreciate the advice, and I guess I need some time to get used to this. oh dear...
squeak Posted November 13, 2007 Posted November 13, 2007 I'm sorry for your pain-we have all been there! But-is this Johan you are referring to? Sorry-maybe I haven't been on LS enough to know if that is for real or a joke? If you guys are really together or if it is just an LS inside joke?? I imagine it would be strange for him to read your post??!!
Author Citizen Erased Posted November 13, 2007 Author Posted November 13, 2007 I'm sorry for your pain-we have all been there! But-is this Johan you are referring to? Sorry-maybe I haven't been on LS enough to know if that is for real or a joke? If you guys are really together or if it is just an LS inside joke?? I imagine it would be strange for him to read your post??!! Aww thanks for the laugh No Johan and I aren't together, altho if I don't have a boyfriend who knows hehe just jokes *waves to Johan running for the hills*
johan Posted November 13, 2007 Posted November 13, 2007 Aww thanks for the laugh No Johan and I aren't together, altho if I don't have a boyfriend who knows hehe just jokes *waves to Johan running for the hills* I often am running in the hills, but not for this reason. Coco would be quite a catch for any guy. The guy she's with doesn't realize what a great girl he could be losing. I think he's too young to understand. Maybe it's too soon for them anyway.
Author Citizen Erased Posted November 13, 2007 Author Posted November 13, 2007 I often am running in the hills, but not for this reason. Coco would be quite a catch for any guy. The guy she's with doesn't realize what a great girl he could be losing. I think he's too young to understand. Maybe it's too soon for them anyway. *sighs* you're so dreamy Okay that's no very appropriate in this thread
Saxis Posted November 13, 2007 Posted November 13, 2007 Coco would be quite a catch for any guy. The guy she's with doesn't realize what a great girl he could be losing. I think he's too young to understand. Maybe it's too soon for them anyway. I agree. There's a reason you're attracted to older men (it appears at least ); you're very mature for your age and that's often hard to find! I think you should at least talk to your BF and possibly suggest a break to see where he stands on this. Just a thought... I don't know a heck of a lot.
Author Citizen Erased Posted November 13, 2007 Author Posted November 13, 2007 I agree. There's a reason you're attracted to older men (it appears at least ); you're very mature for your age and that's often hard to find! I think you should at least talk to your BF and possibly suggest a break to see where he stands on this. Just a thought... I don't know a heck of a lot. You two are too kind Maybe I should move to the US, you're all so friendly Yea I doubt a break will do us any good. Not to mention he'd probably be on top of the nearest possible skank asap
squeak Posted November 13, 2007 Posted November 13, 2007 So coc-what do you think after reading all the very excellent LS advice (hey-they are coming out full force for you here-I barely typed my original entry and was on page 2 by the time i hit "post"!) I can only offer this: you will only feel as good about your decision as the next partner is positive or negative in comparison. Meaning-it is so relative, the dilemma you are experiencing. If you break up and meet another BF a few years down the line who is better or worse-you will feel either nostalgic for your ex, OR positive it was the right thing to do. Yeah, no easy answers. But I gave you really , really good advice! It's the truth!
Recommended Posts