myopia Posted November 12, 2007 Posted November 12, 2007 Hi there, first post. I found this site as I was searching for some insight on what to do with my relationship. I'm a guy and guys don't normally think about these things, but I am stumped and can't talk to my friends about it so I hope you people can help me out a bit. I have been with my gf for just over 3 years. I met her at a time when I had come into a lump sum of money, and wasn't working. So I had a lot of time and money to spend on her. Everything was pretty cool, she moved in with me. I took care of her, because we had established we were into each other and were interested in trying to have a traditional style family, where the woman stays home and tends house/kids, and the guy works. Anyway, in early 2006 she gets pregnant. We are both against abortion, so we went ahead with the baby. I proposed to her before the baby was born and she said yes. Now she is just over 1 year old and is a gorgeous, happy kid. I couldn't be happier about that and neither can my gf. Now the problems start. I ran out of money a bit, and had to start working a lot to provide for the family. She did her part, but only the looking after the kid part. IE anything to do with the kid, she did ( I also helped a lot when I was home but she is home more). But she stopped cleaning the house very well because I used to help out when I was around more. She also doesn't cook for me, and we NEVER have sex. She went through postpartum and we almost went crazy, but fought through it. I stood by her the whole way. Anyway, I told her that she needs to do the traditional mom thing and take care of the house while I was busting my ass for her and the baby (as we talked about before the baby). She said she wasn't my mother. I started paying her 1000 a month to do the cooking/cleaning. She still wasnt' doing it, and would get right angry if I said anything. Also, no interest in sex, or me at all. All her attention is towards our daughter. She says I am intimidating to her in some way and there is something about me that turns her off?? I make her uncomfortable. So we have been in a weird holding pattern, and then she says to me we need to work on our relationship before getting married basically calling off the wedding. But she still wears the ring in front of friends and family as if nothing is wrong. But she is still driving the vehicle I pay for, insurance included, no rent or bills or food and I give her money for work she doesn't do. I feel like an IDIOT but I don't want to lose my daughter and I want a regular family, not a gong-show court battling ex situation. Understand, she contributes nothing at all financially to the house, it's all me and I feel as if I am being used by her. She is 27 I am 33, when I started dating her she was still living at home with her mother, she has never had to pay a bill or rent in her life and has no idea what it takes to survive in this world. But at the same time, she hates that I pay for everything and wants to make her own money. The only thing is she won't make the same money as me and the daycare cost would basically leave her working for nothing so it doesn't make sense in $ terms. Today I told her I don't think she loves me and is just using me. I asked for the ring back if we weren't getting married and she threw it at me. I don't want to lose her but I think I will start hating her if she doesn't pull her weight in the relationship. I love her and my daughter dearly but I am nobody's fool and feel that if she can take advantage of me now, it will only get worse with time. I need some advice here, thanks a lot and sorry for the long post.
Ocean-Blue Posted November 12, 2007 Posted November 12, 2007 I find it alarming that you had to pay her 1k/month to clean her own home! I know of couples who agree to have the "traditional" set up (that is, one partner stays at home with the kids and the other goes out to work to provide for the family). What you describe is not such a set up. She is mooching off of you. The only contribution this woman has made is to rear your child. Aside from that, she has done nothing. Furthermore, she seems to be emotionally blackmailing you. I'd suggest one of two things (or both even): get yourself a lawyer and begin to discuss your options in terms of child custody AND/OR get some couple's therapy. Does she know how you feel about all of this?
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