myopia Posted November 12, 2007 Posted November 12, 2007 Hi there, first post. I found this site as I was searching for some insight on what to do with my relationship. I'm a guy and guys don't normally think about these things, but I am stumped and can't talk to my friends about it so I hope you people can help me out a bit. I have been with my gf for just over 3 years. I met her at a time when I had come into a lump sum of money, and wasn't working. So I had a lot of time and money to spend on her. Everything was pretty cool, she moved in with me. I took care of her, because we had established we were into each other and were interested in trying to have a traditional style family, where the woman stays home and tends house/kids, and the guy works. Anyway, in early 2006 she gets pregnant. We are both against abortion, so we went ahead with the baby. I proposed to her before the baby was born and she said yes. Now she is just over 1 year old and is a gorgeous, happy kid. I couldn't be happier about that and neither can my gf. Now the problems start. I ran out of money a bit, and had to start working a lot to provide for the family. She did her part, but only the looking after the kid part. IE anything to do with the kid, she did ( I also helped a lot when I was home but she is home more). But she stopped cleaning the house very well because I used to help out when I was around more. She also doesn't cook for me, and we NEVER have sex. She went through postpartum and we almost went crazy, but fought through it. I stood by her the whole way. Anyway, I told her that she needs to do the traditional mom thing and take care of the house while I was busting my ass for her and the baby (as we talked about before the baby). She said she wasn't my mother. I started paying her 1000 a month to do the cooking/cleaning. She still wasnt' doing it, and would get right angry if I said anything. Also, no interest in sex, or me at all. All her attention is towards our daughter. She says I am intimidating to her in some way and there is something about me that turns her off?? I make her uncomfortable. So we have been in a weird holding pattern, and then she says to me we need to work on our relationship before getting married basically calling off the wedding. But she still wears the ring in front of friends and family as if nothing is wrong. But she is still driving the vehicle I pay for, insurance included, no rent or bills or food and I give her money for work she doesn't do. I feel like an IDIOT but I don't want to lose my daughter and I want a regular family, not a gong-show court battling ex situation. Understand, she contributes nothing at all financially to the house, it's all me and I feel as if I am being used by her. She is 27 I am 33, when I started dating her she was still living at home with her mother, she has never had to pay a bill or rent in her life and has no idea what it takes to survive in this world. But at the same time, she hates that I pay for everything and wants to make her own money. The only thing is she won't make the same money as me and the daycare cost would basically leave her working for nothing so it doesn't make sense in $ terms. Today I told her I don't think she loves me and is just using me. I asked for the ring back if we weren't getting married and she threw it at me. I don't want to lose her but I think I will start hating her if she doesn't pull her weight in the relationship. I love her and my daughter dearly but I am nobody's fool and feel that if she can take advantage of me now, it will only get worse with time. I need some advice here, thanks a lot and sorry for the long post.
Elyssa Posted November 12, 2007 Posted November 12, 2007 The fact that you have to "pay" her to clean the house as she agreed to do when she moved into your house raises a red flag or two in the first place. She's your fiancee, not an employee, and she shouldn't act as such, nor should you treat her as one. It makes sense that should have some sort of allowance money for her personal use since she cannot work if she's expected to take care of these things, but from there to call it a "payment" for doing the chores, it's a long stretch. You two need to look at your relationship as a team working towards a common goal. You work hard outside the house to provide for her and the baby and she makes sure you have a nice home to come back to and your baby is fed and happy. Except she doesn't and that means she's not contributing equally. From an outsider point of view, it looks to me like she fell in love with the lifestyle you provided for her when you two met. Once things settled and the relationship wasn't an endless vacation anymore, she lost interest. I get the vibe from your post that you want to have a family of your own very badly and perhaps because of that desire, you settled for a relationship with a woman that might not be ready for this. Postpone the wedding and take time to work through your issues. Sit down to talk and explain to her calmly what your expectations are from the relationship and listen to hers. Find a compromise that works for both of you, because the original agreement is obviously not working. She might be feeling overwhelmed by the amount of work that she never had to do before and she doesn't even know how to tackle it. Ask her if this is the case. If so, you could hire a maid once a week to help her with some of the work. Regarding your sex life... well, if she doesn't want to have sex regularly now, it's only going to get worse after you get married. What about hand-holding, cuddling, kissing, etc ? Do you have other sorts of intimacy besides sexual interaction or has she stopped doing those things as well? There's all these things that she used to do but no longer does (sex, chores,...) and she has expressed a desire to make money of her own. Sounds like she may be feeling depressed and unfulfilled with her life. Either way, it appears there are several layers of separate issues here and a counselor could help you identify them and deal with them separately. Relationships require both people to be happy with themselves before they can be happy together. Hope this helps. Let us know how things go. -E
gonetildecember Posted November 12, 2007 Posted November 12, 2007 I find it absolutely ridiculous that you pay her to do the cooking and cleaning. In a relationship, especially when you have a kid together, you should compromise and share tasks.. and you DEF should not have to pay her. Suggest that since she doesn't like taking your money.. she should start working.. you can split all bills 50/50 (she can pay for her own insurance, half of rent and expenses) and you will use the 1000$ you were paying her for daycare. OR give her the option of being a stay at home mom without payment and see which she chooses. Sorry, but it does sound like you are being taken advantage of. You might as well use that 1000$ to pay for a housekeeper if she isn't going to do the work anyways. Yes, she does take care of the baby... but relationships are supposed to be about compromise, sharing and mutual respect.. doesn't sound like any of that is going on on her part. Also think all this needs to be re-evaluated before you guys get married, like you said.
Lovegod Posted November 12, 2007 Posted November 12, 2007 Man, there's so much wrong with this... The first thing I have to say is that you cannot mold a family into what you want it to be. She's not a robot, and neither is your child. Just because you have a plan for how your family should behave and act, it doesn't mean they're going to follow it no matter how much money you pay. Do yourself a favor by finding a woman who shares the same values and goals as you do, and you'll have a better chance at having a successful family. But she is still driving the vehicle I pay for, insurance included, no rent or bills or food and I give her money for work she doesn't do. I feel like an IDIOT You are an idiot. To spoil her and allow her to get away with so much ****, you're only going to make things even more difficult when you try to take all of it away from her. Instead of giving things to bribe her, give her things when she has EARNED them. My advice is to end the relationship. Your child will be better off with two happy, seperated parents instead of being in a miserable family.
Ima littleconfused Posted November 12, 2007 Posted November 12, 2007 I will try to keep it short and sweet 1 i would say do NOT get married without going to a therapist first 2 I would say do NOT get married just for the sake of getting married 3 If you decide to get married after all, one word of advice. PRENUMP!!!! Been there, done that, made that mistake. But thats just my opinion, i could be wrong!
Author myopia Posted November 13, 2007 Author Posted November 13, 2007 Thanks for the replies guys. So yesterday, I get home from work, and she's cooking a roast, hugs me at the door, and later on we have sex that she initiates. I'm confused....I am going to see if she keeps this kind of stuff up, but I kind of have my doubts... I am not sure if she is totally sincere right now. Either way, I'm not giving her any money outside of what it takes to run the house, ie food.
Kamille Posted November 13, 2007 Posted November 13, 2007 But at the same time, she hates that I pay for everything and wants to make her own money. The only thing is she won't make the same money as me and the daycare cost would basically leave her working for nothing so it doesn't make sense in $ terms. I'm thinking that the fact that her going back to work doesn't make sense in $ terms is completely irrelevant. Her lack of sex drive could be an indication that she is still struggling with depression. Going back to work might give her a self-esteem boost, definitely an outlet outside of the home, perhaps a social network she can be a part of. And as to the housework, did you ever consider perhaps hiring a housecleaner (for much less then the amount of money you pay her?) This frees her up to take care of her daughter, which she apparently loves - and is in and of itself a lot of work- and perhaps will give her some time to take care of herself (which I know I need in order to feel sexy).
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