restless_woman Posted November 12, 2007 Posted November 12, 2007 I will try to keep this as brief as possible, but will also try to provide a big picture account of what is going on. I am 27yrs old. Married for 7 years. 2 Kids (6 and 3). I study full time. In the last 6 months I have questioned my marriage, and have become unsure of who I am, what I want and so on. I have become so consumed by the roles I perform (wife,mum,daughter,sister,student,all around nice person), that I have lost 'me' and I am feeling a lot of resentment and hurt. I have started to feel more and more that I only married my husband because I was pregnant (unplanned) and that I was in love with the romantic notion of happily ever after - not him. I am growing curious about what else is out there, but i have never and will never seek a relationship with anyone else while I am married. About 4 weeks ago, I spoke to my husband about how I was feeling and that I would like to take some time for myself and to pursue activities which interest me. He responded by telling me that my marriage and family should be enough and that it was expensive for me to engage in activities of interest (such as learning to dance, have a facial etc etc). The week following this, I completely shut down and did not talk to him for fear of causing further problems or hurt... at the time it really did seem like a good idea. The two weeks which followed were 'civil', but we were both on auto-pilot and acting more like housemates than H & W. He tells me he wants to communicate openly, yet when I do he gets really upset and lashes out. I feel guilty that I could not sort my own crap out.... if I had of been able to do that, i would not have hurt my husband or family. I have started seeing a counsellor to work on me and my stuff. I have been diagnosed with anxiety and moderate depression which I have not told anyone, because I am scared that they will think my doubts about my husband and marriage are only due to my 'mental state'. On Friday night I spoke to my husband and told him I wanted to separate. I said that I needed space and that I was feeling smothered and like a caged animal. He was naturally devastated, but we have made arrangements for him to move out in a few weeks and we have told our respective families (the kids are not being told) My family has suggested me getting medicated (though they are unaware of my mental heath problems) as a way to make me think straight.... but i fail to see how that is going to help anything, other than to transform me into a drugged up stepford wife. I feel like I am at a massive fork in the road. One way I have my husband who I know loves me, but who refuses to let me be me and denies me opportunities to discover myself. The other way is a path of potential loneliness and hurt for everyone (me,him,kids,our families) but which will give me the opportunity to find me again. I am sure to so many people this would seem like a 'no brainer', but I am so truly torn that I just dont know which one is right for me. Should I just suck it up, cancel the separation and keep on living on auto pilot? Or should I try the separation? Or should I do what is going to make me happy, regardless of the consequences to my kids, husband and families? Argh! I just feel like i am screwed either way... a total lose/ lose situation. Please let me know what you think, as brutal as it may be. Thanx.
GreenEyedLady Posted November 12, 2007 Posted November 12, 2007 Your doubts are causing your mental state...When I was in my M, I began having anxiety attacks and was very depressed because of what was going on in my M...Do you have a good friend who would understand? You should talk to someone about it... It sounds like you married very young and have different views of the future...What do you want to do? People divorce and kids survive...If you want to try sticking it out, why not try counseling? And you may benefit from a good anti-depressant...It's really helped a friend of mine... It's your life and you're the only one who can decide what's best for you...Maybe give him a chance at working on your problems and with the help of a MC you may be back on track... Good luck!
whichwayisup Posted November 12, 2007 Posted November 12, 2007 Can I ask what type of counselling you're getting? I also have suffered in the past of anxiety and panic attacks, and I saw a Cognitive Behavioural Therapist which helped me sooo much. This IS the type of counselling you need to beat your anxiety, otherwise it will get worse. The meds is an option but you do not have to go on them...I did this med-free and boy am I ever glad I never had to go on anything. I learned how to control and understand the anxiety and most of all, deal with the issues that were causing me the anxiety and stress, so taking meds may make you feel better but it won't relieve what the problems are. I honestly wouldn't walk away from your marriage quite yet, continue with the counselling, ask your husband to be patient - And, most of all, don't shut him out!! Let him help you, open up to him about what you're feeling and why. Until you know if it's all anxiety and depression related, don't make any major decisions as for leaving your marriage and uprooting your kids. If it was just you and your husband, that's one thing, but you must think of the kids and what's best for them, especially because they are so young.
Author restless_woman Posted November 12, 2007 Author Posted November 12, 2007 Yep, the counsellor uses a cognitive behaviour therapy approach. I sure do hope it helps.
whichwayisup Posted November 12, 2007 Posted November 12, 2007 Excellent. Trust me, it helps! If CBT can fix me, it can fix you. And feel free to ask me questions about the anxiety as i know how scary and awful those attacks can be.
Gunny376 Posted November 12, 2007 Posted November 12, 2007 You don't come across to me as being "flakey" ~ you come across as being stressed out! Trying to do too much, be too many things to too many different people and trying to accomplish too many things all at the same time! YOU need a break! From all of it! I don't think you need medication ~ I think you need sometime to "chill" out, get back to basics, the fundametals of being just you!
Ladyjane14 Posted November 12, 2007 Posted November 12, 2007 Be prepared for your husband to move on without you if you continue on this course. You're pulling his heart out. It's as simple as that. The reason he shows anger and withdraws emotionally is because he's utterly overwhelmed by his feelings. Anger is kind of a 'go-to' emotion for men. Usually, it's representative of strong feelings that have yet to be identified and labeled. There's nothing here which can't be worked out. There's no abuse, no cheating, and frankly, if you were willing to deal with your internal issues of anxiety and depression aggressively, I think you'd be able to see your situation with alot more clarity. You're throwing this man and your family dynamic away on the basis of discovering your individuality, but your "individuality" is ALWAYS with you and accessible to you whether you're in a committed relationship or not. Marriage isn't supposed to diminish this, it's supposed to enhance it. If you view the marital construct as not two entities, but rather three, to include the 'couple entity', the "Us" of it all... you'll see that each needs to be fed and cared for with equal attention. You and your husband needed to be putting the appropriate energy into all three of these aspects. And granted, sometimes there's conflict to be faced until you reach an understanding on it, but if you're not standing up for yourself and fighting for issues which are 'make-it-or-break-it' on individuality, you're not protecting the couple entity. Everything breaks down after that. If you go through with this, odds are high that he won't want you back after you've finally sorted yourself out. All it takes is for one woman to come along and give him some attention and sympathy, to fill the void you've left in him... and it's GAME OVER.
Chrome Barracuda Posted November 12, 2007 Posted November 12, 2007 Be prepared for your husband to move on without you if you continue on this course. You're pulling his heart out. It's as simple as that. The reason he shows anger and withdraws emotionally is because he's utterly overwhelmed by his feelings. Anger is kind of a 'go-to' emotion for men. Usually, it's representative of strong feelings that have yet to be identified and labeled. There's nothing here which can't be worked out. There's no abuse, no cheating, and frankly, if you were willing to deal with your internal issues of anxiety and depression aggressively, I think you'd be able to see your situation with alot more clarity. You're throwing this man and your family dynamic away on the basis of discovering your individuality, but your "individuality" is ALWAYS with you and accessible to you whether you're in a committed relationship or not. Marriage isn't supposed to diminish this, it's supposed to enhance it. If you view the marital construct as not two entities, but rather three, to include the 'couple entity', the "Us" of it all... you'll see that each needs to be fed and cared for with equal attention. You and your husband needed to be putting the appropriate energy into all three of these aspects. And granted, sometimes there's conflict to be faced until you reach an understanding on it, but if you're not standing up for yourself and fighting for issues which are 'make-it-or-break-it' on individuality, you're not protecting the couple entity. Everything breaks down after that. If you go through with this, odds are high that he won't want you back after you've finally sorted yourself out. All it takes is for one woman to come along and give him some attention and sympathy, to fill the void you've left in him... and it's GAME OVER. I agree. Some men dont put up with too much BS so be prepared for it to end the minute you step out that door. You dont need to seperate to be indepenadant. What you truly want is to be single without the expectations of a family, lets be real here. If you want to leave, then do so but in the end dont be surprised he finds someone else. I would if I was him.
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