shayna Posted November 12, 2007 Posted November 12, 2007 I know these are probably unanswerable questions below (given that dumpers rarely frequent this site) but I'd like to know how it is for the dumper. I'm coming out of a 8.5 year relationship. We'd been having issues for a little while but we've always pulled thru and I thought this time we would as well. This time the split looks like its for good and I have to get used to this, I know. We've had the ex-sex thing a few times (knowing full well we shouldn't but we were both horny and missing each other!). Shortly after this he slept with another woman a couple times (3.5 months after we split) but he has said they've decided to end this out of it being too complicated (we are all in the same circle of friends) and because he doesn't want a relationship with her. Was he just trying to get me out of his system with her? Do men REALLY do this? He said it had nothing to do with me though so I'm thinking it was just him being horny again. Sigh. Since him sleeping with this woman, we almost had sex again together but I pushed him out after kissing awhile. I have a hard time believing he can just "get over me" like this after so long together. He really is a sweet person (not the jerk it sounds like he is) and is probably pretty messed up right now (I'm not helping this I admit) and of course I want him back as I still love him. Anyway, how does a dumper just leave? He seemed to really care about me but couldn't marry me. He has said he loves me. He said he didn't move on while still in the relationship as you may all suggest. Its been hard on us both. I just need to hear something positive now. None of the "you've got to move on" stuff- I know this already and I don't want to hear it again. I really want to hear from people who have done the leaving although they still cared for or loved the person...that they did it just because they thought it was for the best. Does this ever happen? Have you left anyone you've loved?
Citizen Erased Posted November 12, 2007 Posted November 12, 2007 I left someone I loved because I loved someone even more... and it's coming back to kick me in the face. I don't want my ex back the needy little girl he is, but right now I wonder if it was the right decision.
Lyssa Posted November 12, 2007 Posted November 12, 2007 I left one guy I was dating because a lot of other things were happening around me. I was neglecting him and it wasn't right of me to string him along. He is one of the sweetest guys I have ever met and I loved him but I couldn't love him the way he wanted me to so instead of being a b*tch so he would leave me, I left him.
analyseThis Posted November 12, 2007 Posted November 12, 2007 A dumper usually either feels a sense of relief or the reaffirmation that they are doing the right thing for their benefit. They usually will have regret or no regret about what they are doing. Of course this is also heavily based on the person they are dumping. Factors like how long he/she has been going out with their partner? How intimately involved they were with each other? The level in chemistry they shared in emotional(personality)/physical/intelligence/preferences? how much that partner fulfilled the physical appearance aspect? ..all this will weigh in on a dumpers mind. Some times its worth dumping some one based on the reasons either be it the dumpers fault or the dumpees fault. Sometimes the dumper just makes a bad judgment call and that ends up with regret and attempt to get the dumpee back.
Racquel Colette Posted November 12, 2007 Posted November 12, 2007 He probably loves you but isn't in love with you. If he were in love with you, he would have married you. How could you not love someone after that long of time? He realized that you weren't "the one" he wanted to spend his life with. This doesn't mean it is your fault. When he meets the one who he is mad for, he will marry her. He won't wait 8 and a half years, and he certainly won't break up and get back together for that long of a time. It wasn't meant to be. Embrace this and have no contact with him. The ex sex isn't good. It is only bringing you hope, but for him it is only sex. Sorry but that is true.
ninjaturtles Posted November 12, 2007 Posted November 12, 2007 RELIEF!!! You are correct... When my ex and I broke up, I could sense relief on his voice. He later told me that he sounded that way because he was happy I took it well. They are relived because they have let go of thier unwanted baggage! Sad but true...
bigheartkindsoul Posted November 12, 2007 Posted November 12, 2007 I hope they feel like shat quite frankly, well not all just my one. The way and when he left me was just so cruel, mean and uncalled for, I don't get that part at all. Mine what a selfish "C U next tuesday" I hope he felt like crap, rightly so.
birdie Posted November 12, 2007 Posted November 12, 2007 I only go out with men I really like or love so breaking up with them hurts. There are times when I know something is not working and I try and try but there is no solution. Even if I'm the dumper it sucks big time and it hurts. Plus the self-doubt is awful too but I am yet to regret any of those decisions thank god.
pinktiger Posted November 12, 2007 Posted November 12, 2007 I was dumper and just got dumped. When I dumped someone I did not love. It was relief with a little bit guilty. And when I was the dumper, I usually did not care about NC either. NC or no NC does not really matter to the dumpers because they won't get hurt either way. But for the dumpees, it is a bid deal. I have seen some people are struggling here and I am one of them. NC only punish ourselves. If he/she does not care, he/she will not care no matter what you do. Vice Visa.
ninjaturtles Posted November 12, 2007 Posted November 12, 2007 ...Birdie, you mentioned self-doubt..care to expantiate more on that? Thanks
SunnyLady Posted November 12, 2007 Posted November 12, 2007 Well initially most times they feel relief. In several of my cases ( i havent been involved with that many people though) they felt relief. Much later on...he seemed to regret his decision. I left an ex of mine because i found someone else i feel in love with. I did feel very guilty.Initially i was blinded my thoughts to my actions and made excuses although i knew what i did was very hurtful and wrong. But i guess i was adamant and sturborn, didnt want to hear nothing from nobody. I was very relieved too. With time, especially when the guy i left him for started acting up...it hit me real bad. Till today i regret my actions and could never ever repeat such a course of action. I saw him recently and he has really changed physically. So i am no longer even consider him attractive. BUT if i did...a reconciliation would definitely have been on the cards ;-). It was years ago...but you know how these things go. You meet to part and part to meet. So to your answer i did feel guilty. But i am a woman...men can be hard hearted but they are still human beings. Somtimes they sit down to think(its only human) and the guilty pangs hit them...(he would care only if he genuinely cared about her though, because some just don't give a damm) It varies from individual to individual. What i know for a fact though is if he genuinely cared about you, he would feel guilty. He might never show this side to him..you might never know but if he ever did care about you, there will be some guilty pangs. They are human beings and 8.5 years is a while. Surely he will be used to being around you etc. And the fact that he isnt in love with someone else (usually a major reason for splits) supports this. I don't know how exactly he is feeling but he is obviously very much attached to you...and you are correct he doesnt seem able to let go of you so easily...whether its the sex, whether its your closeness which has developed over the years, whether its fear of letting go completely i can't pin point. I think you should use this to your advantage. Cease from all form of sexual interraction and close communication. Right now he still has you...i think you should let him NOT have you in any form or way. If not you are likely to remain in this position. Right now he isnt loosing anything from not being with you...because he has you more or less. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if you refrained from contact with him, or maintained minimal contact...and made him feel like he really didnt have you? p.s- you deserve a man who wants to marry you :-) Good luck keep us posted. I was dumper and just got dumped. When I dumped someone I did not love. It was relief with a little bit guilty. And when I was the dumper, I usually did not care about NC either. NC or no NC does not really matter to the dumpers because they won't get hurt either way. But for the dumpees, it is a bid deal. I have seen some people are struggling here and I am one of them. NC only punish ourselves. If he/she does not care, he/she will not care no matter what you do. Vice Visa. I agree...but my exs always seemed concerned about my lack of contact?? If not immediately but after a while. It provoked some form of reaction FROM THEM.
pinktiger Posted November 12, 2007 Posted November 12, 2007 He loved/liked you before, he cares about your well-being. However, it may not mean he wants to be back together. I did try to contact my ex when I dump them just because of curiosity. nothing more than that. Just wonder the life after me.
Trialbyfire Posted November 12, 2007 Posted November 12, 2007 Have you left anyone you've loved? Yes. Sometimes the dumper is the more brave and honest of the two individuals. If the two of you are fighting about the same reoccurring issues, you're clearly not willing to listen to each other and compromise or bend, to make things work. Why keep cycling through the same mess and hope that love will always pull you through?
Author shayna Posted November 13, 2007 Author Posted November 13, 2007 Thanks guys. I broke two weeks NC and felt better talking to him. I hate that. It was just nice to know he misses me too. Not for the hope it gives me, because it doesn't give me hope but for the knowledge that I wasn't just another breakup for him. But I do find myself concerned all the time that if I re-establish NC, he will find someone else or go back to this sex-only thing with that woman because he can't get it from me...Sad and wrong I know, but true.
qwertyu Posted November 13, 2007 Posted November 13, 2007 Yes. Sometimes the dumper is the more brave and honest of the two individuals. If the two of you are fighting about the same reoccurring issues, you're clearly not willing to listen to each other and compromise or bend, to make things work. Why keep cycling through the same mess and hope that love will always pull you through? my ex didnt leave me for anyone else. so i assume he'd left becos of what you said. is there no way i can try to convince him the next time will work out? we never had a proper break prior to this permanent break up. during this break, ive realised so much about myself & what i can do to make things better & i really wna give it another shot. i know it takes two hands to clap but i guess he's really tired or maybe just feels like theres no way out anymore (i understand there isnt cos the last time, i didnt do much to change, i hardly compromised even if i did, it was just a lil) also im afraid that during this break, he has adjusted to life w/o me & might think that things are better now. but its really not for me i dont know if it is for him but if he still loves me, how can he let it go so easily? we were tog for almost 2.5 yrs. now im so filled w regrets, is there anything i can do?!
Trialbyfire Posted November 13, 2007 Posted November 13, 2007 now im so filled w regrets, is there anything i can do?! I wish I had the perfect advice for you but for me, once it's to this point, it's over. As long as you've let him know that you're willing to change and you still care, there's nothing else you can do but either wait for his decision to try again or better yet, move forward with your own life.
Recommended Posts