Untouchable_Fire Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 I forgave her again but she said what I did was unforgivable. She thinks that a single, loveless physical act is a bigger offense than having an ongoing, non-full blown sexual relationship with another man. At this point, I just don't think we're going to last anymore. It's really a shame that I had such a beautiful son with her and he's the biggest reason I still care about everything. What you did was very stupid. You should have just divorced your wife. This marriage needs to end. It was a farce from the beginning. She probably only stuck it out with you because you have a great future ahead. Ditch her NOW! Before you have to pay more than just child support.
Trialbyfire Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 What you did was very stupid. You should have just divorced your wife. This marriage needs to end. It was a farce from the beginning. She probably only stuck it out with you because you have a great future ahead. Ditch her NOW! Before you have to pay more than just child support. Anyway, she divorced me in early 2008.It's too late for that...
Athena Posted March 11, 2009 Posted March 11, 2009 I forgave her again but she said what I did was unforgivable. She thinks that a single, loveless physical act is a bigger offense than having an ongoing, non-full blown sexual relationship with another man. Anyway, she divorced me in early 2008. I couldn't figure out what the big hurry was so I got into her emails and saw that she had been going out with some guy who told her that he didn't feel comfortable dating her due to the fact that she was still married. That, I suppose, explained her hurry to pressure me into getting through a divorce. Here I am in 2009. I'm still neck deep in med school and my ex is out dating some guy. We're semi-friendly but it seems one-sided a lot of the time. As odd as it sounds, I still have feelings for her Something about your W's actions before, and after the divorce make me think she is a Narcissist -- you really had NO chance! No matter HOW you handled her cheating, it would have been blamed on you anyhow!
The Blue Pill Posted March 11, 2009 Posted March 11, 2009 Sorry to hear about your situation, but you should have dropped her when you found out about the first incident. What did you expect? Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Author matt229 Posted March 12, 2009 Author Posted March 12, 2009 Okay, I know this thread is confusing. I originally posted here a few years ago and invited my now ex to participate. She posted responses but subsequently deleted them so you can only see them via other people's posts who quoted her. We have been divorced since last year when she filed on me. First, a sincere thank you to the folks who posted that they thought my ex is a narcissist. You folks have helped me more than you could possibly realize and I'm completely serious. I spent the last several years pulling my hair out because I couldn't understand why she acts the way she does. I have an anxiety arrhythmia now because I've stressed out about her and my son so much. I'm still in med school but never put 2 and 2 together with the whole narcissist concept. I spent the last weekend reading a ton on it and I was blown away. It literally explains 99.9% of her behavior since the day we met. She meets the DSM qualifications for narcissistic personality disorder without any doubt. I read numerous examples of women with this disorder and she's a mirror image of multiple diagnosed cases that are out there. I understand everything now. It's like being in the dark and then having someone turn on all the lights at once. It explains why she cheated so much. It explains why she would never apologize and why she was never in the wrong. It explains why she claimed I abandoned her and why she always claimed she did all the work wherever she was or whatever she was doing even if it clearly wasn't true. It explains why she was always so focused on *her* needs and showed ZERO empathy towards me. It explains why I was always wrong in any argument and everything was my fault even if it clearly wasn't. I feel like I can really move on now because I understand her personality now. Now I know that I could never win with her. It was never possible. It never mattered what I did or what I said because she has a personality disorder that prevents her from acting "normal." It's all so clear now for the first time. I can literally predict her behavior now. It's like having the keys to someone else's mind and you'll know how they will respond to you. Like I said, the people who suggested narcissism have really opened my eyes to a 10 year relationship for the first time. It's amazing to finally understand it all. Thank you...really....thank you.
Reggie Posted March 12, 2009 Posted March 12, 2009 Yep, those wild and crazy NPD's. It's more common than folks seem to think. Underdiagnosed, IMO. These vampires will suck the life out of you with glee. You are lucky to be out. Female NPD's often get dx'd with BPd and there is a lot of overlap.
Author matt229 Posted March 12, 2009 Author Posted March 12, 2009 Yep, those wild and crazy NPD's. It's more common than folks seem to think. Underdiagnosed, IMO. These vampires will suck the life out of you with glee. You are lucky to be out. Female NPD's often get dx'd with BPd and there is a lot of overlap. I really feel like the life has been completely sucked out of me over the past few years. As if med school wasn't hard enough, I've had to deal with her and not seeing my son much at all. I feel like I've had the living hell beat out of me by her. I've spent so much time doubting myself and wondering if she was right and I was the one that was making mistakes. She never once told me that I was doing a good job at school (which I was...because all I've been doing is working my rear off). She tried to guilt me into quitting after the first year. I felt so guilty I took a term off because I really wanted to be with my family. I kept telling her that I just needed to go a little farther (I used the military deployment analogy) and I'd be done. She said that she would never date a military guy. She just kept trying to convince me that I had abandoned her and our son and that I was making myself miserable and it was all my fault. The whole thing has taken a huge toll on me. Even now, sometimes I miss what we used to have when we were happy at times. I just wanted a happy family where I'd go home to my wife and kid and play with him. I guess that was never meant to be with her and my son but it's hard to have those family dreams shredded. Now I know for sure that it just wasn't all my fault because she's not normal. I need to find a nice woman and move on.
Chrome Barracuda Posted March 12, 2009 Posted March 12, 2009 Doesnt it feel great not to be actually crazy!?! LOL. Also do you have a custody agreement? Then she should honor it. have a lawyer look it over.
z1850 Posted March 12, 2009 Posted March 12, 2009 You need to finish medical school. Think about what kind of specialty you would like. I personally liked radiology, since I was good at anatomy and liked to solve problems visually... Many women would love to have a doctor for a husband, and you're wife's attitude seems a little puzzling. If I were you I would set the example by acting like a professional, and exercising ethical and moral standards. You might try talking to your wife as if she were another professional--this kind of discourse may cause her to act likewise. Perhaps she also would like to futher her education by earning a graduate or professional degree. Focusing on careers and professional behavior may get both of you off the adultery bandwagon.
Athena Posted March 12, 2009 Posted March 12, 2009 Something about your W's actions before, and after the divorce make me think she is a Narcissist -- you really had NO chance! No matter HOW you handled her cheating, it would have been blamed on you anyhow! First, a sincere thank you to the folks who posted that they thought my ex is a narcissist. You folks have helped me more than you could possibly realize and I'm completely serious. I spent the last several years pulling my hair out because I couldn't understand why she acts the way she does. (...) I feel like I can really move on now because I understand her personality now. Now I know that I could never win with her. It was never possible. It never mattered what I did or what I said because she has a personality disorder that prevents her from acting "normal." It's all so clear now for the first time.(...) Like I said, the people who suggested narcissism have really opened my eyes to a 10 year relationship for the first time. It's amazing to finally understand it all. Thank you...really....thank you. Matt, I am so glad that the suggestion helped you... to me it seemed like the only explanation for her behavior toward you! My H is narcissistic, too... so I see first hand what a N person looks like... funny thing is I came upon the definition accidentally several years ago, and finally the light came on... it also helped to hear that same opinion of him later on, from our marriage counselor.
Reggie Posted March 12, 2009 Posted March 12, 2009 Very common to be confused and doubt yourself after being in a relationship with a disordered person. There are some good suppor sites and you will see that virtually everyone is left wondering if he or she is the problem or has the disorder. It is the result of the type of brainwashing they do, incorporating abuse with intermittent good behavior while isolating you. It is relentless and wears even the strongest down. These folks live in a very different reality and truly believe what they perceive to be true. Hence, they never admit they are wrong, put all the blame for everything on you, and are convincing as hell. It is only by getting away that you can recover, IMO. Ask yourself if other folks perceive you as she does. Are you wrong 100% of the time in dealing with others. Do you imagine things as having been said by others only to have them deny it? Do others accuse you of the types of deficiencies she does? I'd bet not.
Author matt229 Posted March 13, 2009 Author Posted March 13, 2009 Very common to be confused and doubt yourself after being in a relationship with a disordered person. There are some good suppor sites and you will see that virtually everyone is left wondering if he or she is the problem or has the disorder. It is the result of the type of brainwashing they do, incorporating abuse with intermittent good behavior while isolating you. It is relentless and wears even the strongest down. These folks live in a very different reality and truly believe what they perceive to be true. Hence, they never admit they are wrong, put all the blame for everything on you, and are convincing as hell. It is only by getting away that you can recover, IMO. Ask yourself if other folks perceive you as she does. Are you wrong 100% of the time in dealing with others. Do you imagine things as having been said by others only to have them deny it? Do others accuse you of the types of deficiencies she does? I'd bet not. Nobody perceives me like she does. I have a bunch of friends and some who are married with kids and they're all very stable people. I have a really good relationship with my parents. All of those people can't relate to the ex and think she's definitely got issues. None of them can understand why she didn't want me to finish med school and why she wanted me to quit just to stay with her in the immediate instead of looking long term. I remember that she started arguing with me the night before our wedding over some decoration that was supposed be at our ceremony. I told her I was tired and the next thing I knew she threw a pair of scissors towards me right in front of my best man and his wife (long time friends). I guess that should have been a strong clue to run like hell. I'm so sorry that I have a kid with her. I love him but now I have to deal with her every time I want to see him. I have to deal with her every time I call to talk to him. It all sucks and I need to move on but it's just not as easy with a kid. She sent me pictures a few weeks ago. Some were of her holding our son with her birthday presents. She always made a huge deal out of her b-day (so narcissistic) and would spend days looking at different restaurants, etc. I noticed that there were red roses and little blue tiffany bags in one of the pics so now she's got some new source of attention to suck dry. The crazy thing is that I actually felt jealous. I really got to get my head straight and move on. It's so crazy to see that there's so much narcissistic behavior and see the whole picture now. When I met her she was involved in everything in grad school and held several leadership positions. She actually told me she had a bf (lived on the other side of the country) but we still hooked up. I know she hooked up with at least 4 other guys in grad school before I met her. She's always had all her info up on a webpage and her myspace page. She refused to change her last name when we got married. She always told me how she was so popular in high school and she would literally say "I'm the smartest person ever" with a smile (so I thought she was joking but she wasn't). She would always say that she should have gone to an Ivy. She always had her initials on her car license plate. She always hated cleaning and now I realize that she, as a narcissist, thinks that her talents are too great and would be wasted on such menial behavior. Her room at our condo was literally the messiest, most disgusting thing you could think of. Cleaning was a big source of arguments between us. She always used to say "stop lecturing me" or "stop being condescending" and she would always blow up with any kind of criticism and now I know why. I told her about how I had an arythmia and she didn't even act concerned. I see now that she has no empathy for anyone unless it serves herself. I could probably have cancer and she wouldn't care at all. I gave her a $300 pearl necklace for her b-day a few years back before the divorce and she just criticized the hell out it. I saw her emails where she just bitched about that present to her friend and bitched about me. She would never apologize after any arguments. The last time we argued about cheating, she told me that she never cheated on me while we were "married." She said it happened before (while we were engaged) so it didn't count. She said that talking to other guys wasn't cheating so it was okay to talk to the same guy while we were married. I seriously could just go on and on and on...
Athena Posted March 13, 2009 Posted March 13, 2009 I seriously could just go on and on and on... At least now, you can go on (move on, that is, with your life, and not be stuck internalizing her blaming you for all the issues in the relationship)
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