privyet Posted November 12, 2007 Posted November 12, 2007 I'm new, and can't quite believe I'm doing this. I'm shattered. I met my husband at 17, we married when I was 23 (he's 7 years older than I). Been married over 12 years now; no kids. This past summer (starting around April/May, I think), he started to develop a professional relationship and then a deeper friendship with a colleague. She divorced during this time, and i believe my husband was one of the reasons behind her divorce: she had big plans for herself and my husband. He never really hid it from me, strangely - he left hints, told me when they were together, but for a long time wouldn't admit his true feelings for her. When I found an email from her to him saying that she was "counting the days till they had their happiness", I flipped out totally, confronted him and said I was leaving, that I deserved better. (I have supported him & his career through much - probably I have made myself "too available.") He swore he would cut it off - and he did, for a time. But she crept back into his life invariably (they work together, no contact is impossible), and finally he confessed to me yesterday (my birthday! which he forgot about! heartbreaking) - that he had very strong feelings for her. But he says he doesn't want this to be happening. He asked me for another chance. Meanwhile I know from a colleague of his that he spent a lot of time with her (after he told me he wouldn't) at a conference they were at last weekend. How much can I believe anymore? This is now the second time I have "woken him up" to what he stands to lose - he is devastated, i can tell - but I think part of his devastation is the thought of losing the relationship with her - he has never had to make a sacrifice like this for me. We have SUCH a long, deep history together. I could make it without him, I know I could, but I would rather not be forced into the position of having to leave...
Curmudgeon Posted November 12, 2007 Posted November 12, 2007 But he says he doesn't want this to be happening. But it is and he's allowing it. It can't happen without him! But he says he doesn't want this to be happening.He asked me for another chance. Meanwhile I know from a colleague of his that he spent a lot of time with her (after he told me he wouldn't) at a conference they were at last weekend. How much can I believe anymore? I would say, not much! I could make it without him, I know I could, but I would rather not be forced into the position of having to leave... How about him leaving? Why should you, unless it's his home? You've done no wrong. I'm sorry you're going through this but unfortunately, and as I found out after 25 years, longevity is no guarantor of constancy.
reboot Posted November 12, 2007 Posted November 12, 2007 First thing he has to do is change jobs. Sorry. No way around it. There's no way you can rebuild your marriage unless she's out of your life.
LifesontheUp Posted November 12, 2007 Posted November 12, 2007 I'm new, and can't quite believe I'm doing this. I'm shattered. I met my husband at 17, we married when I was 23 (he's 7 years older than I). Been married over 12 years now; no kids. This past summer (starting around April/May, I think), he started to develop a professional relationship and then a deeper friendship with a colleague. She divorced during this time, and i believe my husband was one of the reasons behind her divorce: she had big plans for herself and my husband. He never really hid it from me, strangely - he left hints, told me when they were together, but for a long time wouldn't admit his true feelings for her. When I found an email from her to him saying that she was "counting the days till they had their happiness", I flipped out totally, confronted him and said I was leaving, that I deserved better. (I have supported him & his career through much - probably I have made myself "too available.") He swore he would cut it off - and he did, for a time. But she crept back into his life invariably (they work together, no contact is impossible), and finally he confessed to me yesterday (my birthday! which he forgot about! heartbreaking) - that he had very strong feelings for her. But he says he doesn't want this to be happening. He asked me for another chance. Meanwhile I know from a colleague of his that he spent a lot of time with her (after he told me he wouldn't) at a conference they were at last weekend. How much can I believe anymore? This is now the second time I have "woken him up" to what he stands to lose - he is devastated, i can tell - but I think part of his devastation is the thought of losing the relationship with her - he has never had to make a sacrifice like this for me. We have SUCH a long, deep history together. I could make it without him, I know I could, but I would rather not be forced into the position of having to leave... Sorry to hear what you are going through. At the moment your husband is very deep in what is called the affair "fog". He is so emotionally attached to this OW that he forgot your birthday. Hell that must have hurt. You've already given him a chance and he has repaid that by continuing his affair and still lieing to you. He may not have hidden when he was meeting the OW before you found out the first time, but he hid his feelings and is again lieing about the time he is spending with her. So no you cannot believe what he says. In my opinion, he needs to realise that this time you are not willing to give him another chance unless he ceases all contact with her and you get into counselling. If he is willing to do this its a start. Can he change jobs so he doesn't see her each day? Is he willing to change jobs to help with your healing? Is he willing to get counselling to work through why he did this? If he isn't willing to do these things so your marriage can heal then I would suggest that you pack his bags and tell him your done. He needs to understand that you are not willing for his half hearted attempts at making this work. I kicked my ex out as he wouldn't leave his soulmate OW. Within a fortnight he was begging to come back. It doesn't always work out like that though and some stay with their OW for a lot longer. Sometimes when they come out of the affair fog the wife has already moved on. Its a risk kicking him out but what other choice do you have? You could stay and ignore it? The choice is yours.
Author privyet Posted November 12, 2007 Author Posted November 12, 2007 Thanks everyone for your words. I told my mom about all this last night and her response, too was 'how many chances does he expect?' Him leaving his job is impossible - he's an academic and there just aren't many available positions. What IS possible is for him to decide he's not going to toss our marriage in the garbage and just stop the socializing with her (I don't care if they cross paths in the workplace - but they have no need to have any substantive contact). But am I deluding myself. I am honestly ready to walk out, I'm so hurt and angry, but I'm also fearful that I will regret it - that this is a mistake we could have overcome. I don't know how to tell if the time is right to call it quits.
Tony T Posted November 12, 2007 Posted November 12, 2007 Exactly why do you think you have the option of staying with him? You will never trust him again. This was NOT a one night thing. He has fallen head over hills for another woman in a good amount of time. You can't just sit back and get over this overnight. It could take years. Your husband is in love with this lady. I know you don't want to go through the pain. If you want to stay, just be sure you are ready to wonder everytime he leaves the house, everytime he goes out of town, everytime he works late...is he with another woman? As for his changing jobs, hey...this is 2007...women work everywhere!
cj1988 Posted November 12, 2007 Posted November 12, 2007 I agree Sweetie, if he admits to having feelings for someone else, then leave and show him what he will be missing. He obviously does not care for you the way ou care for him RIGHT NOW. He may just be in the FOG of a new person and or infatuation. Only you know your man, is he remosrseful and is it real? Id he crying all the time and confused?
Author privyet Posted November 12, 2007 Author Posted November 12, 2007 He's remorseful but he's never really had to make a big sacrifice in his life - he doesn't know how that feels. Yes, he's weepy since we (i) opened up this conversation and made him confront the space between us. He is supposed to be severing the relationship with her today - while I sit here at work and ponder our future. I've threatened to leave TWICE already. I'm really a sucker, aren't I. But yes, I'd say he's confused and definitely "in the fog", as it were. But he hasn't done anything really concrete to get himself out of that fog, either.
cj1988 Posted November 12, 2007 Posted November 12, 2007 All I can tell you is that when I confronted my H about the A I suspect him of having he was emotional, confused and very lost so to speak for months. I could not tell if he was upset and crying over me (meaning me accusing him of something so bad) or if it was because I caught him and whatever they had was over. Two weeks after I accused him he said he wanted a divorce and was cold and mean to me for almost 5 moths. Stayed drunk, but still continued to call HER everyday without fail, as if I did not matter. So, you have to try and see if it is losing you or her OR BOTH that he is crying about. They go through withdrawls almost after the A is over....sad but true.....so how does he act, really sad?
Author privyet Posted November 13, 2007 Author Posted November 13, 2007 Yeah, really sad. I'm hoping this is over now, although we have work to do inside this marriage. I lost it today, told him I was leaving - this after I had agreed to give him another chance...He begged me not to - i could tell he felt resigned, like there was nothing he could do anymore to make me understand. He confessed that this was entirely his fault: he wanted the original friendship/business relationship that he had with her before all this started, and in trying to get that back, ended up developing feelings again. He told her today that it was an emotional burden for him and he needs space now. She'll respect this - she did before, and it was he who blew it, trying to re-establish the friendship. We talked tonight and agreed that if our relationship fails, it should be because we don't get along anymore or don't like each other anymore (which isn't the case...)...we shouldn't end it because of her. He said his feelings for her were never more intense than his feelings for me. That he just needs a bit of time to get over that and we will spend more time together. I need to give this another try...this is my soulmate...In 12 years, we've never been through anything this tough, and we've been through some crap, oh boy...
T L Posted November 13, 2007 Posted November 13, 2007 I appreciate that you want your marriage to work, and your H appears remorseful................ But you also have to weigh up the fact that you will have to deal with thoughts of the EA for a long time to come, you may never truly be able to trust H again? There is also the risk that this could happen further down the road and you could have wasted time in which you could have been moving on with your life. You dont have any kids, did you plan on having any?, would you want to with this man now? I lived with my Fiancee's EA, because I still loved her/didnt want to lose her,we had invested 7 years in our relationship and I believed things would work out. Well I had already lost her and just didnt know it. I carried that around with me for a year, a gnawing in the pit of my stomach, and things still didnt work out right between us. I would like to think that if anything like this ever happened to me again in a future relationship (god forbid, but we live in a cruel world), that I would have a zero tolerance policy and not waste any more time on someone who would do that to me, but I know when you love someone its not always that clear cut. I guess all im saying is if you want to try and make a go of it I know where you are coming from and I appreciate that, as I did the same, just keep your wits about you, go to councelling if you think that might help (IC to help you deal with any issues you are having, CC for the both of you to try and get to the root of the problem) and draw a line to not accept any more bs, we all deserve better than that. Read all you can on EA's. LS is a good place to start. All the best, hope it works out for you.
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