should feel like a jerk, but i don't

[KenzieAbsolutely]

a while ago, i started to have some issueswith /simply lose interest in a friend.

 

i eventually just cut her off, until she contacted me and said she wanted honesty. i gave her the honest truth (we don't have anything in common anymore, you weren't a very good friend to me at all, etc. she was spoiled, selfish, and immature; i didn't come out and say this to her, but i'm sure she got the hint.

 

it turns out she didn't want honesty, at all, actually, so i'm unsure why she asked for it. this happens a lot, though, doesn't it? in any case, she got it, and she wasn't too happy, and resorted to insulting me and telling me all the reasons i was a bad person, to which i answered 'well, then i guess you won't be missing much anyway. bye now.' it didn't bother me.

 

sounds cold, i know, but i'd have to go through too much to explain why i really am just so indifferent to this girl. no big traumatic events or anything.

 

so suffice it to say we're not friends and haven't been for months.

 

so here's the problem...her relative died recently. she sent me a message telling me about it, thinking 'i would want to know.' i never knew this relative, but i did know about her family from her stories about them. she wants to know if i would meet up with her and go out for a drink or dinner or something. this is not a close relative to her; i also know that this person never really mattered to her before, it's not like she lost a parent or sibling. it's someone she barely knows and hardly sees.

 

now, i feel bad. death sucks. but i don't have any interest in seeing her. while i do feel for her loss, it doesn't stretch beyond a "so sorry for your loss" kind of thing. i don't want to see her, and i feel like she is using this to manipulate me into seeing her and becoming friends again. i don't want that. and i don't want to go meet just to end up having a repeat of our last conversation.

 

i know friendship issues aren't at the height of everyone's interest here at LS, but i really need some help with this one.

 

how do i approach this? do i just say "sorry for your loss, hope all gets better soon" and ignore the invitation? do i accept the invitation and make it known that it's a one-time thing only?

 

normally i am the "oh honey, i am so sorry, please, let me do anything i can to help" with my friends. she knows i am like this, and since i don't feel this way with her, it will be quite obvious.

 

what would you do?

[KenzieAbsolutely]

i just opened my email to find another message from her. this is the only way for her to get in touch with me, i've blocked all other forms of communication.

 

she said "so i haven't heard from you yet, just wondering what's taking you so long. i'm going through a really hard time and i REALLY need someone to talk to, so please get back to me quicker than this."

 

argh! even when i'm not her friend, she's demanding of me. how do i handle this?

[squeak]

Wow, this is tough!

Considering the way that "honesty talk" went-ending in insults , it sounded like you weren't too thrilled at her reponse to your reasons when she asked you what was up.

 

Option 1 -I would email I was sorry to hear about the passing, but considering the negativity that was exchanged, it simply was not possible or wise for either of you to repair it or go further, you wish her and hwer family well(optional -the well wishing).

 

Something along those lines.

 

Option 2 is just ignore, because you don't want anymore involvement, and considering how she was insulting to you, you don't owe her anything, and quite honestly, I find her insistence upon you manipulative and not trustworthy-given the circumstances-death or not.

[TheSilentType]

i just opened my email to find another message from her. this is the only way for her to get in touch with me, i've blocked all other forms of communication.

 

 

Block her e-mail. Its your fault that you allow that mode of communication to exist when you supposedly don't want any communication.

 

Or simply click and delete. Problem solved.

 

Why did you even read the first e-mail when you are not interested?

[squeak]

I revise my answer- don't respond. You alredy did this once-it could be worse the 2nd time.

 

Delete delete delete, block block block.

[KenzieAbsolutely]

Block her e-mail. Its your fault that you allow that mode of communication to exist when you supposedly don't want any communication.

 

Or simply click and delete. Problem solved.

 

Why did you even read the first e-mail when you are not interested?

 

excuse me? are you her or something? it's my fault i didn't know i could block her email?

 

in any case, i don't want any involvement with her. i would rather her not contact me, but i did read her email. so what? i wanted to see what she had to say. doesn't mean i want to do something about it. jeez.

[KenzieAbsolutely]

I revise my answer- don't respond. You alredy did this once-it could be worse the 2nd time.

 

Delete delete delete, block block block.

 

thanks, squeak. how do you block someone's email? i have gmail if that matters.

 

in any case, the fact remains that i did read it and am still unsure of how to respond, or if i should at all. i'm trying to do the adult thing and not be an ass in someone's time of need, but i really don't care for her and now i kind of feel stuck.

 

ugh. i wish i never met her. she wasn't always so overbearing, which is probably why i care at all.

[TheSilentType]

contact me, but i did read her email. so what? i wanted to see what she had to say

 

Why do you care what she has to say?

 

Forget about her. What's the point of ignoring all other communication only to pay attention to this e-mail?

 

Even if you can't ignore, you can simply just click and delete. Without even opening the e-mail.

 

Just pretend like you had blocked her e-mail already. Don't respond. Someone else will come through for her. She probably doesn't even need you anymore...just was using this as an excuse. So don't fall for it.

[squeak]

thanks, squeak. how do you block someone's email? i have gmail if that matters.

 

in any case, the fact remains that i did read it and am still unsure of how to respond, or if i should at all. i'm trying to do the adult thing and not be an ass in someone's time of need, but i really don't care for her and now i kind of feel stuck.

 

ugh. i wish i never met her. she wasn't always so overbearing, which is probably why i care at all.

 

I think hitting the "junk" button when you click on it, but I'm not so sure. Look up the help options for gmail-all emails have it. Or it should have a list you can add it to manually called "block list".

 

Society says we should bend over backwards for people in times of need, but you have to honor your feelings, and keep consistent-not to be manipulated/pushed or cajoled somewhere you don't want to go. Anyways-the "block" thing is just symbolic. Doesn't really matter-unless you just want to spare yourself future agitation in case there is a follow up to this one.

[KenzieAbsolutely]

I think hitting the "junk" button when you click on it, but I'm not so sure. Look up the help options for gmail-all emails have it. Or it should have a list you can add it to manually called "block list".

 

Society says we should bend over backwards for people in times of need, but you have to honor your feelings, and keep consistent-not to be manipulated/pushed or cajoled somewhere you don't want to go. Anyways-the "block" thing is just symbolic. Doesn't really matter-unless you just want to spare yourself future agitation in case there is a follow up to this one.

 

thanks a lot squeak. it makes me feel better not to be a cold-hearted jerk for not feeling like i need to jump in and help her. i just felt like i was seeing right through her ploy for my attention, and i guess i was right. thanks for taking the time to respond. i am just going to ignore her. she has other people to turn to...at least, i think. she burned a lot of bridges while we were friends, probably thinking it was okay because she had me.

 

maybe this will teach her something.

 

thanks again.

[Trialbyfire]

kenzieabsolutely, since I don't know either one of you, I can only go by what I see in your opening post. She asked for honesty and you gave it to her, which she couldn't handle. She gave you honesty and you couldn't handle it. It doesn't sound like a friendship that needs to continue.

 

If you don't want to bridge the gap, don't. Friends don't owe each other anything, they do it because they care for each other.

 

You can handle the severance in two different ways:

 

• You can say "I'm sorry to hear this. I do wish you the best for the future.". If she continues to communicate, then block her email address.
  
• Block her email address and never respond.

[Lizzie60]

i never knew this relative, but i did know about her family from her stories about them. she wants to know if i would meet up with her and go out for a drink or dinner or something. this is not a close relative to her; i also know that this person never really mattered to her before, it's not like she lost a parent or sibling. it's someone she barely knows and hardly sees.

 

now, i feel bad. death sucks. but i don't have any interest in seeing her. while i do feel for her loss, it doesn't stretch beyond a "so sorry for your loss" kind of thing. i don't want to see her, and i feel like she is using this to manipulate me into seeing her and becoming friends again. i don't want that. and i don't want to go meet just to end up having a repeat of our last conversation.

how do i approach this? do i just say "sorry for your loss, hope all gets better soon" and ignore the invitation? do i accept the invitation and make it known that it's a one-time thing only?

 

I would ignore the invitation and either say 'sorry..blablabla' over the phone or send her a card.

 

I feel she is using this to manipulate you.. it's quite clear actually.

You DON'T want to see her again... don't let her manipulate you into something you don't want.

 

Like you said, it's not like her parents died.. and even then... I wouldn't go more than a phone call.

[KenzieAbsolutely]

kenzieabsolutely, since I don't know either one of you, I can only go by what I see in your opening post. She asked for honesty and you gave it to her, which she couldn't handle. She gave you honesty and you couldn't handle it. It doesn't sound like a friendship that needs to continue.

 

If you don't want to bridge the gap, don't. Friends don't owe each other anything, they do it because they care for each other.

 

You can handle the severance in two different ways:

• You can say "I'm sorry to hear this. I do wish you the best for the future.". If she continues to communicate, then block her email address.
  
• Block her email address and never respond.

 

thanks. actually, she didn't give me honesty, i didn't ask for any. i wanted to just cut her off, but she wanted honesty and i told her what i thought and she just took a fit. like a full-on hissy fit. i expected this, to be truthful, which is why i didn't want to bother with the honesty bit, but that's beside the point.

 

but yes i agree, friends don't owe each other anything. that was one of the big problems in our friendship was that she treated me like since i was her friend, it meant dropping everything and everyone for her, and when i didn't, she took a fit. see a pattern? ugh.

 

i have a feeling it will take me so long to decide what to do that eventually time will lapse and i just won't say anything. i think if i cared enough, i would have said something by now, and since i haven't, i'll just let it go.

 

i don't hate the girl, i'm just over it and see no need to continue.

 

thanks for all your help, guys. and dolls of course. be careful who you're friends with, you never know when they'll turn nuts on you.

[KenzieAbsolutely]

 

I feel she is using this to manipulate you.. it's quite clear actually.

You DON'T want to see her again... don't let her manipulate you into something you don't want.

 

 

thanks, lizzie, this is how i see it too. i will just let it go. her email has been blocked, and i set up another one too, so that way i know she can't find me there. i just need her to go away, she really is kinda crazy, not to mention delusional.

[KenzieAbsolutely]

wow. i had a letter in my mailbox today from her. she goes back and forth for almost 4 pages, it's unbelievable. in the same paragraph i'm a jerk who ruined her life by deserting her and who can't appreciate friendship, then she misses me and wishes i would get in touch with her.

 

there was no return address, and there is no stamp on the envelope. my address was typed on a plain white envelope with what looks like a typewriter.

 

what on earth? do people do this? am i the only one who can just go "okay, well that's over, what's next, moving along just fine?" i mean, she wasn't even a romantic relationship or anything of the sort (i'm straight.) she was just a friend, and not a very good one at that.

 

good grief.

[Magnatolia]

Did it ever occur to you that maybe she's insecure? Surely you don't expect every person to be perfect.

 

To be honest I think you did her a favour by not being her friend anymore. You certainly don't sound like a friend I would want. Even if me and a friend went separate ways (and I didn't want to be friends anymore) I would still at least acknowledge them.

 

Oh yeah and to your question about whether people send letters, she did and I bet other people do too. She didn't get a response so she probably thought you might have changed email address.

 

If you don't want to go see her at least acknowledge her email.

[KenzieAbsolutely]

Did it ever occur to you that maybe she's insecure? Surely you don't expect every person to be perfect.

 

To be honest I think you did her a favour by not being her friend anymore. You certainly don't sound like a friend I would want. Even if me and a friend went separate ways (and I didn't want to be friends anymore) I would still at least acknowledge them.

 

Oh yeah and to your question about whether people send letters, she did and I bet other people do too. She didn't get a response so she probably thought you might have changed email address.

 

If you don't want to go see her at least acknowledge her email.

 

you don't know this girl. she was a rotten friend, which is why i cut her off. she was a delusional user. you obviously didn't read most of the whole point of this thread, or you would see that i was trying to figure out how to deal with this wretched person, nicely or ignore her, simply because she's so awful but i still wanted to do the right thing. if she was a good person i cared about, i wouldn't be cutting her off now, would i?

 

if you want friends like that, i'll give you her number. knock yourself out. you probably deserve each other.

[Magnatolia]

haha calm down mate. I didn't say that ending the friendship was wrong, after all like you said you know her and I don't.

 

But you were questioning why she did certain things like send you a letter to which I gave you a perfectly logical reason.

 

And yeah I did get the point, which is why I suggested you go the nice approach and acknowledge her. Regardless of how she treated you, be the better person.

[KenzieAbsolutely]

haha calm down mate. I didn't say that ending the friendship was wrong, after all like you said you know her and I don't.

 

But you were questioning why she did certain things like send you a letter to which I gave you a perfectly logical reason.

 

And yeah I did get the point, which is why I suggested you go the nice approach and acknowledge her. Regardless of how she treated you, be the better person.

 

i get what you're saying, my point is she is not someone i want to be around or have anything to do with, and even though that's true, i felt a little guilty, given her situation. i didn't, however, want to open the lines of communication back up. i don't ever want to see or hear from this girl again. i don't feel the need to be 'the better person' in this situation because i don't want to be her 'any kind of person.' i just want to be nothing to her, and she knows this, and she knows why.

 

and i know people write letters. what i meant by "do people do this" is "do other people honestly keep trying to contact someone who doesn't want them to, and act like loons by sending letters that seem like 4 different people in 4 different moods wrote it, and try to disguise who it's from?" sorry for the confusion.

 

oh, and the no stamp thing threw me the most, because she obviously didn't mail it, which means she not only ignored my wishes completely, but then came to my house to put an anonymous-looking letter in the box. i think that's just creepy, and affirms why i don't need this in my life anymore.