New here--babbling and unsure

[LongDistanceRunner]

Hi,

 

First of all, I want to thank everyone who has posted here. I am in a bad state in my marriage and while there is currently no third party involved, I had gotten to the point where I was convinced that an affair would be better and less hurtful to my husband than divorce. And then I read posts here. I know that sounds obvious: of course the betrayal of an affair would be awful, but when you are stuck in your own head with only your own rationalizations and desires to contend with, it's easy to arrive in a place where messed up ideas sound pretty good. I hadn't acted on my interest in an affair; I don't know anyone I'd be interested in and I wasn't looking or anything.

 

Here are things I'm struggling with. I know I need to make my own decisions, and I will, but people sharing their own experiences as they relate to these issues would be helpful.

 

My husband and I had our problems but I always believed 100% that we could work them out and if we didn't--if I had to just live with them--they were manageable. The first year after our daughter was born was difficult, but we got counseling and things seemed to be better. We both felt pretty good about where we were and decided to have another child. I want to be clear that we didn't believe having a baby would fix our problems. To the contrary, we thought we were in a good enough place that our relationship was strong enough for another child.

 

I got pregnant and had a miscarriage. I got pregnant again and lost the baby in the second trimester. The pregnancy loss left us grief stricken. I went to a support group (in person), started reading a pregnancy loss forum, got into individual counseling, and we started couples therapy again to deal with the issues brought up by the grief.

 

Through this process, instead of feeling closer to my husband, I've started feeling more and more like there is no hope for our relationship. I love him but I am not attracted to him anymore. Not even a little bit. We are functioning as friends right now, not as lovers in any way.

 

I feel like the morally right thing to do is to hang in there and make it work. But I don't want to have sex with him anymore. And there is no marriage without sex. I know without a doubt that I want out and I have felt that way pretty consistently for a few months now.

 

I have read a lot about how trial separations don't work, but I don't see what it would hurt to try it if the alternative is to go straight divorce. Right now I am just putting in time and that doesn't seem fair to him. There's a lot about this that isn't fair to him. But I also feel like a trial separation would just drag out what I'm already fairly certain of. It seems dishonest to suggest it.

 

I have also read about spouses that were all eager to get out of their marriages and once they did, they had huge regrets. I can't be certain that I won't regret this. I honestly feel that it's possible that after I've left, I'll realize how good I had it. But right now I feel like I'm suffocating. It feels dishonest to stay in this marriage feeling the way I do and getting used to the idea of divorce while he's thinking we've still got a chance. If the tables were turned, I'd feel like a fool to find out such a thing.

 

This isn't anyone's fault, my husband is a good person; I try to be a good person. We're not perfect, but it's not like I want him to change. I just feel that we are incompatible in some fundamental ways critical in marriage. So I'm not optimistic anything is going to get better.

 

I guess I know what I have to do and that is to tell him that I am no longer interested in sex with him (although my libido is healthy; it's not a problem of sex drive) and let the chips fall where they may. The thing is, some friends of ours have some other friends who split up because the husband told the wife he wasn't attracted to her anymore. Everyone (including my husband) said this was a really cruel thing to say. I can see that. So how do I be honest with him and give him all the information he has a right to have about our marriage, and yet not be cruel?

 

I just hate this so much. I don't want to hurt him. I don't want to be divorced but I also don't want to be married to him either. I know people say you shouldn't make any major decisions in the first year after a big loss, but I can barely tolerate being here anymore.

 

Is it worse to go through the holidays knowing I want to leave or to leave right before the holidays? Both seem really, really awful. I know I need to discuss separation with him, but I want to sort out some of this in my own head so that I'm not being selfish or deluding myself and so I'm also not being more hurtful than is necessary.

 

Thanks for listening.

[redblack66]

Hi,

Through this process, instead of feeling closer to my husband, I've started feeling more and more like there is no hope for our relationship. I love him but I am not attracted to him anymore. Not even a little bit. We are functioning as friends right now, not as lovers in any way.

 

My wife is in a similar situation. If you are not attracted to him,

are you attracted to somebody else? I have my own thread http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t133240/

 

 

I have also read about spouses that were all eager to get out of their marriages and once they did, they had huge regrets. I can't be certain that I won't regret this. I honestly feel that it's possible that after I've left, I'll realize how good I had it. But right now I feel like I'm suffocating. It feels dishonest to stay in this marriage feeling the way I do and getting used to the idea of divorce while he's thinking we've still got a chance. If the tables were turned, I'd feel like a fool to find out such a thing.

Trivial suggestion: have you tried marriage counseling. I suggest reading and educating yourselves on relationship issues.

If I knew six months ago what I know now, I was not going to be in my mess, which is similar in a ways to yours, but from the other side.

 

This isn't anyone's fault, my husband is a good person; I try to be a good person. We're not perfect, but it's not like I want him to change. I just feel that we are incompatible in some fundamental ways critical in marriage. So I'm not optimistic anything is going to get better.

What are the 'fundamental ways'

 

I guess I know what I have to do and that is to tell him that I am no longer interested in sex with him (although my libido is healthy; it's not a problem of sex drive) and let the chips fall where they may. The thing is, some friends of ours have some other friends who split up because the husband told the wife he wasn't attracted to her anymore. Everyone (including my husband) said this was a really cruel thing to say. I can see that. So how do I be honest with him and give him all the information he has a right to have about our marriage, and yet not be cruel?

I would be honest, but this is my experience. It will hurt very badly.

The other option is lesser hurt but over longer period, if you are not open.

If my wife was honest with me, we could have saved a lot of grief, stress, and money.

 

I just hate this so much. I don't want to hurt him. I don't want to be divorced but I also don't want to be married to him either.

I am really curious why you don't want to be divorced.

 

I know people say you shouldn't make any major decisions in the first year after a big loss, but I can barely tolerate being here anymore.

I would not make decisions if my head is not clear.

 

Is it worse to go through the holidays knowing I want to leave or to leave right before the holidays? Both seem really, really awful. I know I need to discuss separation with him, but I want to sort out some of this in my own head so that I'm not being selfish or deluding myself and so I'm also not being more hurtful than is necessary.

 

Thanks for listening.

Work on figuring out yourself. Perhaps you need time off.

[Storyrider]

My situation has some similarities to yours. Does your counsellor think you are currently depressed? It is difficult to have clarity when that is the issue. Have you considered going on antidepressants? I haven't found this to solve all my problems, but I do feel more clear about my feelings. I don't know what I'm going to do in the long run about staying in the marriage, but I know what my next couple of steps need to be in order to find out.

 

Do you think you resent your husband at some level for what happened with the babies? Unexpressed anger can certainly snuff out your desire.

[T L]

You say you have a daughter so I would have thought it is worth exhausting every way of making the marriage work as a happy one both for you and your husband and to provide a stable home for your child growing up.

 

Are you still in individual and couples councelling?, also dont know if anyone out there has tried sex therapy, but it might be worth a try?

 

There are also some books recomended on various threads here that are really positive that big changes can be made to marriages, worth a look.

 

All the best.

[lost4ever]

How long have you been married?

How long has it been since the last loss of child?

How did you get to the "good" place last time?

 

I don't know how old your daughter is, but I would think you should at least stick with it through the holidays. Afterwards a trial seperation maybe a good idea, most of the time they don't work because there is another person, but that doesn't seem to be the case with you

[LongDistanceRunner]

Thanks for your replies. I am going to try to answer all the questions.

 

I am attracted to someone else, but I never see this person and have no contact with him. None. I don't know if he even remembers me. It was a very brief meeting but I find myself thinking about him a lot. I know it's temporary and just a distraction. Thinking about him is an escape from the grief and the difficulties of marriage.

 

We are now and have been in marital counseling since the the more recent pregnancy loss. I've read lots of books on relationships, including Why Marriages Succeed or Fail, Getting the Love You Want, among others. I am clinically depressed and am currently taking Prozac, with my dosage recently increased by my psychiatrist.

 

The fundamentals ways in which we are incompatible are sex and physical intimacy.

 

I don't want to be divorced because it sounds painful and torturous and I'd rather my daughter grow up with both parents married to each other, if at all possible.

 

We've been together for 10 years, living together for 7 of those years and married for 4 of them.

 

I don't know if we can get back to the "good place" we were in before because I was lying to myself about how I felt about him. I didn't know I was lying to myself; I never let myself think about my lack of attraction to him. I have to admit that lying to myself was much easier than what we are going through now.

 

Both pregnancy losses were this year. The more recent one was in July.

 

Right now, the only reasons I'm staying are for my daughter and to avoid hurting my husband, so I certainly realize the importance of making it work if at all possible. It's not like I'm casually tossing aside my marriage at the first sign of trouble.

 

As to whether or not I resent my husband for the pregnancy losses, it's possible, but it's not the foremost problem. My lack of attraction to him predates the pregnancy loss. I don't know for sure when the lack of attraction started.

 

I hope I covered all the questions. Thanks again for reading and for your responses.

[lost4ever]

Sounds to me like you have tried everything....also sounds to me like you know what is best. divorce is never easy and you will affect your daughters life, but your husband sounds like a good man and a good father, so your daughter will not lose him totally.

 

If you are not happy then there is no way to make others happy, If you can't be happy in this marriage, then change......what does MC say about your two?