Suny1 Posted November 11, 2007 Posted November 11, 2007 This is my first post... so patience with me please. I met this man online about 10 months ago. He traveled for work and came to my town 3-4 times a month. I agreed to meet him and it was instant attraction for both of us. We met for the next 2 months everytime he came to town. We talked on the phone most everyday and got to know alot about each other. The ONE thing we didn't talk about was... both of us being married. I...in an unhappy marriage for nearly 16 yrs..I didn't tell him I wasn't M... we just didn't discuss it. He, on the other hand, told me he wasn't married. We decided to take a trip the next month for a couple days and it was terrific! We both had said right off..that we just wanted to have some fun. He would say.. we are having fun right? Don't fall in love with me, I can only be here occasionally. So.. I went with that but I was already falling for him. He only lived a couple hrs from me but I started thinking it was odd that he never invited me there. After our lil trip.. he emailed me saying that he would be in town the next day and wanted to meet, that we needed to talk. He was here to tell me he was married. By this time, I like him ALOT and didn't want to lose him so we talked about being married and decided that we would still see each other. Somehow, I thought we had real potential..everything seemed to be so good between us. Still going good for another couple months, then outta the blue.. he calls me and tells me his W has broken into his email and he told her some lies of course. Asks me to go along in case she calls. Next day, he calls... she is on the phone with him and he wants me to tell her that we are just friends, etc. I did. That was hard but I wanted to see him again. We talked but didn't see each other for almost 2 months. Things seem to get even better for us and he starts telling me things that he doesn't like about his wife but never says he will leave her.. we just didn't talk much about that. OK trying to shorten this here.. Two months ago... we did the unthinkable. His W went out of town and I went to stay with him. Everything always felt so right between us that we decided we weren't cheating on our spouses anymore, we were cheating on each other. We had a great time.. she left again in a few weeks and I went back and stayed 2 more nights. This time was even better and we discussed someday being together. We both said ... A perfect feeling..but bad timing. He had never used the word fate.. but this time he said it. So... We met one more time after that and were making plans to go away for a weekend. The next week, the W broke into another email acct. He told me what times to call on his phone and I did. He acted like he didn't even care that she was going to get the bill. So I assumed maybe he wanted to get caught. She told him last time that if he ever talked to me again, he was OUT. He calls me and tells me not to call his cell. Tells me that she wants to work it out and then proceeds to tell me that he doesn't want me out of his life either. I know he just needed to get things right because he wasn't prepared to leave her financially at that time, if ever! He tells me if I love him like I say I do... to give him a couple weeks to figure some things out. In the meantime, I am going nuts, talked to his friend who tells me that he is going to work it out with her and that he plans to never call me again and was changing his #. True or not.. I had been crying for days and I know he knew how I was feeling... I wanted to give him his time but I knew it was going to be the same thing again. The W did call my phone but I didn't have it with me at that time. I couldn't seem to get it together and I needed some answers. I know she needed some too and I didn't want to hurt her. He just lied to her again and told her we were just talking dirty on the phone or whatever. I kept thinking, surely she is not that stupid. So I paced the floor and then I called. She was really pissed at first and wanted to scream at me. I told her I wasn't calling to hurt her and I was hurting too and I just needed to find some peace. She calmed down and we ended up talking about an hr &half. I found out that he had lied to me about quite a few things and she didn't want to know the truth because she doesn't want to start over. Financially, she is the breadwinner and he will have mostly nothing if he leaves her. I am totally distraught because he told me its just much easier to stay than to leave. She was packing his clothes when we were on the phone. But the next day, his friend told me my MM thinks they can work it out. I feel sorry for her somehow. Am trying to think of the lies and move on. I keep thinking if it was what I thought it was... eventually they will part. If Not... I am lucky to have it ended this smooth. Am sure he wants to hate me now..He didn't call at all after this. Maybe they will survive. Sorry so long. I have been doing my therapy on here reading the last few days and decided I needed to get mine out too.
torranceshipman Posted November 11, 2007 Posted November 11, 2007 Hey, I think you totally did the right thing by telling the W the truth. She had probably been lied to so much by her H, and she deserves the respect to be told the truth, so she can make the decisions that are right for her, whether thats staying with him or divorcing. But what about your H? What about your marriage? This is really unfair on your H.
Author Suny1 Posted November 11, 2007 Author Posted November 11, 2007 I did sleep with him there. Not in their bed. She asked me alot of questions but I told her that I didn't call to talk about what he and I did. She thanked me for calling and told me that we could have been friends in other circumstances. Ha! But.. He did this to her once before me. He was moving out and they worked it out. Then I came along. They have been married 2 yrs and no children. Until I talked to her, I didn't see how stupid I was to think he would leave for me. She is going to do anything to make it work. She wants children and he wanted to wait. They are married 2 yrs and I was with him 10 months of that. She told me she couldn't see why he would cheat, that he wants for NOTHING at home. Apparently there is something missing.
Author Suny1 Posted November 11, 2007 Author Posted November 11, 2007 In my situation, We have a 15 yr old daughter. We don't fight, we just kind of live together because its comfortable. Just grown apart and do our own thing. I thought this was it for me and I would leave. My MM asked me if I was going to leave my H. I told him if he leaves her, I am already gone. But I think he wanted me to leave so he could have a place to go. I am not going to contact him because maybe this time he can work it out and I feel like maybe I gave him a way out or... his life back. I am dying inside but I can't keep going thru this.
Havn_a_life Posted November 11, 2007 Posted November 11, 2007 You need to dump his butt. he'll only do the same thing to you. You should think about what the BW told you. He's going to dump on you and expect you to keep him up, just like he has her. He is just a sponge. Dump him and find a real man. He isn't one. He's a wuss.
Author Suny1 Posted November 11, 2007 Author Posted November 11, 2007 I am not going to contact him. I figure she may have even added to things I said to her so he would hate me more. If I wanted to hurt her I would have told her I stayed there etc. She told me she had just talked to the UPS man that day about when her surveillance cameras would be there. Told me she has his computer set that whatever he types, comes to hers. Funny part was that she said he is going to be my BIOTCH if he wants to work this out! I know he thinks I did the ultimate betrayal. But if he loved me like he said, then this was his fast way out. Otherwise, I hope he suffers like I am.
PoshPrincess Posted November 11, 2007 Posted November 11, 2007 Suny, I was really feeling for you reading this and totally know how you are feeling right now. I guess in a way it is even harder for you than it was for me because, being married, you must be having to put up a front at home and pretend that everything's alright. I can't really give you any advice as I am not over my R with MM myself, but I just want you to know that you have lots of support here on LS. Just make a list of all the bad things about your MM, all the lies, etc, the fact that he can cheat on his W after only 2 years of marriage AND that it's not the first time. Keep reading the list! Hey, maybe I should do that myself. I really think that if there is no chance of making your M work then you need to get out of that. If you cheat again, the result could be a whole lot worse! I'm glad you got a chance to chat with the W. Sometimes I think that's the only thing that would give me closure but I know I couldn't do it. Good for you! Just keep strong as you have a teenager who needs you!
Author Suny1 Posted November 11, 2007 Author Posted November 11, 2007 Thanks so much Posh I needed that! I would have never called her if I hadn't ever talked to her the first time. And I just wanted her to know that I wasn't just sex talking with him lol. She already knew but didn't want to face it. He swore to her on his mother's grave that we hadn't slept together. That was the only question I answered for her. She cried and I cried and I told her I was sorry. After that, I don't think I could even look at him the same if he left her and wanted me.
PoshPrincess Posted November 11, 2007 Posted November 11, 2007 Thanks so much Posh I needed that! I would have never called her if I hadn't ever talked to her the first time. And I just wanted her to know that I wasn't just sex talking with him lol. She already knew but didn't want to face it. He swore to her on his mother's grave that we hadn't slept together. That was the only question I answered for her. She cried and I cried and I told her I was sorry. After that, I don't think I could even look at him the same if he left her and wanted me. I think you have behaved very admirably and you've also been brave in the fact that you risked the likelyhood of him turning against you by you telling her. It appears that you've told his W for the right reasons, and not to get revenge on him. I had one call from my MMs W on DDay (before he even knew that she knew) but I didn't have the guts to be honest with her. I was scared that he would hate me if I told her the truth, although I must admit that even at the time I assumed we would be finished once she found out anyway. I didn't think it was my place to tell; I thought that was down to him to do. Also, looking back now I can see that if I HAD told there would have been the chance that they may never have been able to make a go of repairing their marriage. His W did text me the following day and asked if we had had sex (that was all she wanted to know) and I told her no, which was the honest truth. Well done with the way you've dealt with everything. At least you can hold your head up high!
Author Suny1 Posted November 11, 2007 Author Posted November 11, 2007 I really wish I had been here reading all these posts when I was seeing that NO BRAINER!!! lol...Funny how U so much want to believe the things they tell you. It seemed that everything he did was at the perfect times. I cried for 5 days straight then I had to come out of that.
Havn_a_life Posted November 12, 2007 Posted November 12, 2007 I am not going to contact him. I figure she may have even added to things I said to her so he would hate me more. If I wanted to hurt her I would have told her I stayed there etc. She told me she had just talked to the UPS man that day about when her surveillance cameras would be there. Told me she has his computer set that whatever he types, comes to hers. Funny part was that she said he is going to be my BIOTCH if he wants to work this out! I know he thinks I did the ultimate betrayal. But if he loved me like he said, then this was his fast way out. Otherwise, I hope he suffers like I am. I wouldn't jump to that conclusion necessarily. When i confronted xOW, I told her the truth, the whole truth, and it seemed that the truth was worse than if I'd made stuff up. I had no reason to lie, anyway. I can't abide liars, so why would I start then? No matter how easy it could have been. So, don't assume she's added or taken away from your conversation with her to make him dislike you more. He cheated on her on his own. i doubt anything she says, truth or false, would sway him. Just looking at it in a logical way.
whichwayisup Posted November 12, 2007 Posted November 12, 2007 Don't be surprised if his wife calls YOUR HUSBAND lets him in on the big secret. I mean, you call his wife, yet your husband is left clueless about your affair???????
mopar crazy Posted November 12, 2007 Posted November 12, 2007 Don't be surprised if his wife calls YOUR HUSBAND lets him in on the big secret. I mean, you call his wife, yet your husband is left clueless about your affair??????? I agree! Be prepared if she calls your H too. My H's xOW own H came to our home to talk to me. He told me what he knew. He had way more facts of their A than I did.
mopar crazy Posted November 12, 2007 Posted November 12, 2007 I know when I called the OW's H to talk. I thought I would be telling him about something he didn't know. He knew she was sleeping with someone, he just didn't know who for sure. He suspected my H, but he only had grainy pics that weren't very clear. But he wasn't surprised, he even laughed when I told him. He said," That short MF, I'm gonna kick his @$$!" When he said it even I had to laugh because he and my H are the same height. LOL! He called him a shore MF but they are the same height? Funny! The first time I called xOW her H answered the phone. When she picked up I told her she may want to go into the other room away from him b/c he wouldn't want to hear what we needed to talk about. I don't know if she did, if she was smart she would have. I didn't want him to know what was going on until I knew more myself. I didn't want to hurt him, and besides I knew he would find out eventually and he did. He might have even known something b4 I even called. I think her H wanted to make sure he had more facts about the A b4 he came to talk to me. He had pictures, and letters from my H to his W. The pictures were just of my H's truck and the xOW's car parked together at the hotel and in her garage. I was surprised he managed to get in the garage when they were at the house w/o her knowing.
Havn_a_life Posted November 14, 2007 Posted November 14, 2007 That's really sad, Mopar, about the xOW's H dealing with that. I know how you've dealt with it, but I can only imagine having to see the 2 of them, even just their parked vehicles together would just break me into. The xOW in my H's A was very slick. She had someone call me and give me specific info about xOW, like her name, home address and phone #. After it all came out on dday, I knew why she'd done it. So I would come to her house and see him there, maybe she could've called the cops on me had I done it. I think it was a last ditch effort on her part. Don't know why, though, because H hadn't been over to her house for a few weeks, prior to the phone call.
Author Suny1 Posted November 14, 2007 Author Posted November 14, 2007 Time for an update here. This may be why I am not too concerned about the W calling my H. I talked to the MM's friend. He tells me that she wants a baby so much that she is willing to work this out to have a baby. He tells me that MM is going thru hell at home now. Can't go anywhere, talk on the phone, do anything to upset her. Have to love how *truly happy he is right now huh? Also says that she still doesn't believe that we slept together. Even after we talked and she told me she knew we had. Maybe she is working this out to benefit herself now. Maybe she is putting him thru hell like she told me she would. They have serious financial issues also and maybe he does love her. Apparently she unpacked all his stuff for him. lol. I have to keep thinking that I am the lucky one and he is with her and I won't have to deal with going through what she is. But wow is the pain ever hard at times.
confused39 Posted November 14, 2007 Posted November 14, 2007 oh wow...so glad I'm not living that life anymore. It's too short for all that, don't you think?
Author Suny1 Posted November 14, 2007 Author Posted November 14, 2007 Thats another thing I have to keep telling myself!
Havn_a_life Posted November 14, 2007 Posted November 14, 2007 She may be able to deal with him more graciously because she's known him longer? It sounds like you should move on and find a guy who's not committed to another woman. There's plenty running around out here in the world looking for a girl to settle down with. The single ones don't have M baggage, afterall. Just my 2 cents.
Author Suny1 Posted November 15, 2007 Author Posted November 15, 2007 You are probably right about that. She begged him to stay the first time he cheated on her. She told me just really wants this to work because she doesn't want to start over. She thinks she's going to get too old to have a baby if they divorce. Told me she has low self-esteem also, so I assume she thinks life would be too hard for her. Another thing I am going to do, is not talk to his friend anymore. He is getting info about me from him. He promised his W that he wouldn't talk to me again so this is how he gets to me. I just talked to his friend earlier and told him I would never discuss MM with him again. I don't want the information he's giving me about their life either. Just one day at a time......hoping it will get easier.
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