question for the gents

[tinke]

it has been many months now since my break-up of greater than 10 yrs.

i can feel myself slowly "wanting" to live life and forge ahead, it is a forced effort to think ahead and not of what happened!

 

unimaginably, the break-up occured thru e-mail..very brief, superficial, just.."i'm moving on", etc. he stated , (after i pleaded) that he would talk to me about this by phone. we ahd been LD 3 yrs., due to family obligations (mine). we were to be together soon.

 

he never called, i persisted in attempting contact,to which there was no response.

after close to 6 wks, he answered, again...very cold, matter-of-fact tone. he stated he is to be wed soon to an aquaintance (someone he said he was dating for a couple months).

i heard another voice of a woman.

 

he has never replied to any further calls, notes, etc. nor had he ever requested that they stop. just nothing!

 

i would imagine he would leave me a message when i am away at work as to what happened, or to stop contacting him....something! but, nothing!!!!!!!

my attention had been with many situations, including responsibilities of ill family member. so, i am to believe part of this is he felt neglected. we visited often. however, he is conflict-avoidant, and never said a word! for anyone who has been overwhelmed with obligations, you know, the last person you would expect not to understand, is your S.O..

 

i guess, this is where i have problems moving on...absolutely no closure, no words, but a VERY brief phone call.

how does one move on from that?

how can someone just simply leave..without an explanation, words of some sort..something!

how can someone leave without guilt, remorse, of at least feeling they owe some type of closure. this was not a short-term fling!

 

i need your thoughts on this, replies, some sense of things to move past this.

help!!!

[Phateless]

This guy has no spine and no courage to do the right thing. He sounds like he would have made a terrible husband anyway. I like strong people who will tell me outright what's up. Part of accepting and moving on is accepting that you may never get the explanation that you need. When my ex broke up with me, all her explanations were BS anyway...

 

Fact is, she was ready to get out, and I just tried to accept that and move on. Him finding someone else should hopefully serve as fairly good closure?

 

Hang in there girlie, we're here if you need us.

[tinke]

thank you phateless. i would agree he is a coward, but still, it hurts!

yes, he met someone else, and obviously was dating her while with me!

fact is, during our very brief phone talk, he did not seem "in love". by that, i mean, he spoke in the now tense (about us). he did not at all appear convincing to me, i do believe he just wanted to marry, and he found someone who is right there!

 

as a woman, i would have made it quite clear after an explanation, that i am in love with someone else. and would have asked kindly not to be contacted again, etc.

obviously, she must have felt a bit insecure, because she interrupted the brief call with talking. he disrespected me, i did deserve at least an explanation...without interruption, and a quick goodbye.

 

i still cannot phathom how someone can just not reply..nothing. no matter what the situation, i think it is only the decent thing to do. i believe, perhaps he did not believe i would join him soon..maybe, he didn't trust me....who knows.

but, in the early beginning, i do not believe he didn't care, nor loved me. he was just pushing ahead. but, what would make someone do this so coldly, unfeeling?

 

would you guys at least leave some kind of word, of perhaps...please don't call,etc., instaed of simply ignoring all attempts?

[birdie]

3 years is a very long time in LDR and people get much more distant than if they live together/see each other on a regular basis. Understand that you were together for over 10 years but didn't you doubt ever that your relationship would survive? The two of you grew apart, simple as that.

[tinke]

to be on the receiving end..it doesn't feel simple!

i did not grow apart..that seems to be the problem.

 

what disturbs me, is that this is not a young man exploring the dating arena...this is a man of many years! one would expect more...just my thoughts!

 

i guess i am not stuck on the fact that he left as much as how he chose to do it after so many years.... it was very hurtful!

[sedgwick]

When was the first time you had any inclination, any kind of gut feeling, that things weren't going well?

[marty]

just my thoughts, and i might be way off base,

 

but maybe his feelings had changed months or even years before that, and with him being 'anti-confrontational', didnt know how to tell you.

i'm not saying its the right thing to do either , very selfish and kinda cowardly. but its just a thought.

 

if he wasnt willing to show you respect and give you your closure, then , in my opinion, i would try not to waste too much time and energy trying to figure him out.

i know it hurts really bad. but you could waste precious months on the process when you could be using that time to look after your own needs.

 

i've learned through my own recent break up that its pointless trying to figure out the ex. it sends you nuts. there is a kind of closure in the fact that you'll never figure it out (ironically).

[MattyTee]

Hey Tinke,

 

I'm sorry to hear you've gone through this. Something I've explored a little recently is this constant search for answers. I had it too and I kept going back for some 'closure', the thing is it didn't matter what she said, it wasn't what I wanted to hear.

 

I sat and thought about it a little bit and realised there is no answer she could give that I would understand. I simply had to accept what had happened and move on with my life. I still love her deeply but I've let go of the attachment. I'm certain that answers and closure are a mythical creature that we chase in order to understand in some way the terrible pain we go through. As Marty says it will send you nuts (been there).

 

Long-distance is neither an excuse for dating someone else or 'finding it difficult'. If you love someone you will deal with it. I know, I've been there.

 

Stay strong, look after yourself. Make this time about you, let the past go

[tinke]

i would say a few months prior, my schedule became even more chaotic with situations i was responsible for (family illness). i became worried, consumed, irritable, and detached, beyond my control at the time. my plate was VERY full with intense responsibilities. his schedule was quite empty and very leisurely. never had he been obliged to the demands i was, so it would be difficult for him to understand the change in me. still, he never talked to me about anything. ocassionally he would help out, but again, we were LD. i would just believe a significant other can be mature enough to understand other obligations and being consumed by them. it is not like i was consumed by my hobbies, this was something that was a must!

 

he was attentive until probably the last month or so. somehow, i feel he felt hurt, neglected...but damn....i couldn't be all things! i would have expected him to talk to me about it, help out...something!

i am just guessing here, since he offered no explanation.

 

it's unfortunate because i believe so much of this is from misunderstandings.

honestly, i think i may have handled it a bit better if he would have just said...i'm sorry, i am not in love with you anymore..something!

 

just thoughts!

thank you for the replies!

 

i'm still left with the puzzlement of how someone can simply leave without words, and then not respond to any of my attempts of contact....i cannot fathom doing that to anyone, regardless of the situation, particularly after so many years.

 

thoughts? experiences? similarities?

thanks.

[OpenBook]

Everything happens for a reason. You and he were not meant to be together. You didn't do anything wrong. There is another purpose to your life. Go find out what it is.

[Zapbasket]

My dear Tinke,

 

I read your post and suddenly had a very clear thought that is impossible for me regarding my own (similar) situation: your ex was capable of leaving like this because he is weak. He had shown himself to be weak in the relationship, too, from everything you've written on this site--this wimpy exit was not just one moment of being overwhelmed and not handling the situation well. He is a WEAK PERSON, and that's why he has managed to end things so coldly.

 

What good is a weak person's love? The person who is worthy of being a life partner is someone who has the fortitude to remain loyal through thick and thin. A weak person may love genuinely, but ultimately that love can't mean much when it seems to disappear every time a conflict arises.

 

I read what has happened to you and immediately it's clear to me: your ex is not worthy of you. People who understand, truly, what an emotional connection with someone entails do not just coldly up and leave and feel no sense of obligation to the other person to treat them gently, respectfully, and with compassion. They just don't.

 

:bunny:Tinke, hang in there. I have more thoughts on this but am presently too exhausted to state them clearly. Take care of yourself; you deserved far, far better than to be left like this. Look hard at what he's done and ask yourself if you could ever be capable of doing someone that way. No, you couldn't, right? Then think about what must be fundamentally lacking in him to make him capable of doing it. This is not someone to grow old with, as painful as that fact is.

 

I'm thinking of you!

[tinke]

a gracious thank you to you G.C.

nice way to start the day!

 

in a bit of a hurry for now, but.....

what you say is true, it's helpful to hear this again.

 

it is just so difficult to imagine the coldness, non-chalant flair.

 

gotta run for now....

thank you!

[ninjaturtles]

Wellsaid!

[birdie]

I understand about the family obligation and I don't know why he couldn't join you and move to the town you were living in. Maybe the reason why it lasted 3 years was because he understood that you weren't away for fun but due to a serious family issue. However when love is not nurtured, it dies. It is really unfortunate but I think it is very very hard to keep an LDR going. 3 years is a pretty long time for it to survive, you obviously had a strong foundation.

[tinke]

i know i have come quite the distance in my healing, thoughts of him do not consume my day...still, some creep in. i no longer feel that intense ache, just sadness that it has ended. i am able to curtail the urge to contact him, and later very glad that i did not.

 

it seems, i believe i have come to acceptance that it truly is over...but i have much residual hurt from the way in which it ended. never, would i have done that to anyone...no matter what! 10 yrs. is a very long time to just run and totally ignore the other party!

thanks for the replies.

[Zapbasket]

Hey Tinke,

 

How are you doing? Just checking in...

[tinke]

thanks greencove.

 

i'm doing ok...better.

i go through some very low points, but no where as frequent as before. still, i find myself at times, trying to make sense of the way he left. it was VERY cruel, selfish, and childlike, to leave in the manner in which he did. this was not a short fling!

 

i have come to the conclusion that perhaps he intentionally wanted to hurt me, hence, the way he left. of course, mr. avoidance didn't communicate, so i never really knew his thoughts, concerns, hurt, etc. well, he did hurt me! but, this realization helps me not to give him the satisfaction of contacts, pining, etc.

 

i strongly believe, people just don't fall "in love" and marry within a couple months...so, maybe at some point...lady karma will present herself!

i don't wish him ill, but, i would like him to feel the pain he, himself, had inflicted.

 

so, for the most part....i am doing much better.

i can say...as i read posts from newbies, my heart goes out to them, for i know and feel their pain. never, would i want to go back to that stage and feel that same intense hurt again...with that, i realize how far i've come. (you, also!)

my only advice would be...ride it, feel it, know that it will lessen...it will get easier!

at the time i didn't believe it was possible.

 

it still feels like a surreal experience, never would i had expected this! particularly, his departure. but, i can say...truly, i feel myself moving on, slowly and cautiously...but, moving.

 

thanks for the thoughts...been wondering how you're doing also.

[checker]

It doesnt seem to me like anyone is to blame here. Things happen; people fall out of love. You were living a long distance from each other for three years. Thats hard and those relationships usually do not last.

 

Why all the hate for this guy? The attitude in this thread is so typical of this message board. Blame the ex. No matter what the ex did or didnt do, blame the ex. No wonder so many people in this place never seem to move on, what with always being so focused on how horrid the big nasty ex was.

 

I mean what the hell did he do that is so wrong? Im not criticizing the OP, im asking everyone in this thread. GreenCove, what makes him so weak? They lived a long way from each other for three years. He fell out of love with her. He told her he no longer wants to be with her. He found someone else closer to home. He is now getting married. He said all this to the OP. What more could he do that would make him less weak? He doesnt love her any more! He doesnt want to be with her!

 

What is all this rubbish about closure? I read this crap all the time here. Isnt there enough closure? OP knows exactly where she stands and its obvious why they broke up. And the SO has now moved on. Somone give me an example of what extra the SO needs to say to OP in order for OP to move on? Because I wonder, is this about closure, or is this about OP wanting to remain in contact and try to convince the SO to come back to her? Why all the talk about OP not believing he loves the other woman? What does that have to do with anything? Especially closure?

 

And suddenly when an ex stops returning messages or refuses to speak any more on the phone, this ex is "cold"? This makes the ex bad? What happened to all this stuff about no contact? Its OK for the dumped one to suddenly disappear from the face of the earth and not return messages but if the ex does it he is "Weak"?

 

Its funny, if this guy was willing to still talk on the phone all you people would be in this thread going mad about how this guy wont let OP move on because he is still in contact with her, on the phone to her, etc etc. He would be evil, he would be stringing the OP along etc. I think the ex in OPs story, from what we are told, handled it reasonably well. He was civil. He told her. Now he has moved on and he told her that too. But thats no acceptable either. You see? Again, it doesnt matter what the ex does.

 

Sorry for the tone. I like reading here but sometimes its a little frustrating and I feel a lot of the responses do not acheive anything or focus on the wrong stuff.

[tinke]

checker.

obviously you have not been following the thread from the very start!

 

the whole problem with moving on is because NO..he did not say anything..there was nothing, other than a brief goodbye on e-mail, a promise he would call to discuss this, and total silence for 6 wks. then, not even the decency to follow his promise to add some closure, rather he had another woman answer the phone, and oh, by the way...i'm dating someone and to be married! yes, i would expect more after ten years!

 

why reply when you don't have all the facts!

and the hostile one, appears to be you!

 

i don't recall ever mentioning i hate "this guy".

so, i'm uncertain of your stance.

sure, people leave, etc.....(i've mentioned this before)

but, one can also do it with dignity, and at least respect for themselves and what was between the two. at one time, there was love!

 

i'm unsure of what you wanted to accomplish with your reply...it's neither informative, supportive, nor accurate.

 

in addition, i don't think it is too much to ask to discuss concerns, voids, etc. before venturing out of the relationship. the situation stems from avoidance on his part, which has left me feeling the results without explanation. as i've mentioned, it is a different departure from someone who steadily communicates. so, one has to deal with the feelings of the unexpected, sudden loss...first, before moving on.

[Zapbasket]

Checker,

 

I agree with you that rejection hurts no matter how compassionately it't conveyed. But I disagree on everything else. Everyone has the right to end a relationship that is unfulfilling to them. But if you are complicit in allowing someone to form an attachment to you (as presumably you are when you're in a relationship for 10 years), even though there's no law that says so, basic respect for your fellow human beings incurs an obligation to the other person to take their feelings into account and let them go as honestly, compassionately, and respectfully as you can. Obviously this doesn't apply in cases involving abuse.

 

Honestly, sometimes I fear for the future of our society when I hear the number of people who believe that ending a relationship is simply a matter of deciding you don't want the other person around anymore, and exiting as painlessly (for you) and quickly as possible, which usually means with no communication. My uncle left his wife of 35 years by waiting until she left for work and then clearing out his things and leaving a note on the kitchen table for her to find when she came home. That is WEAK, just as Tinke's ex's way of leaving was WEAK. And yes, my aunt would have been devastated if she'd come home that fateful day to him saying, "We need to talk. I want to get a divorce and here is what I've been feeling that made me come to this decision." But what that would have done for her is to have provided, yes, CLOSURE in that he would have assured her that his decision had to do with HIS feelings about HIS life and not about her intrinsic value as a person. It would have assured her that there was nothing she could have done differently to have made him stay. It would have assured her that the responsibility for the failure of the relationship was a SHARED one, and not all on her shoulders. And most importantly, perhaps in having had that discussion each of them could have learned valuable things about themselves, about each other, and about the 35 years they spent in partnership that could have spurred both of them to grow tremendously as individuals and who knows?--to reconcile. We all want most in life to GROW; it's humans' natural inclination when they don't have to worry day to day about basic survival, as most of us do not. The best catalysts we have for growth are EACH OTHER, because we can affirm and create meaning together that affirms to ourselves who we are and want to be. This is the very ESSENCE of human existence!

 

To just leave with nary a word deprives BOTH of you of that growth opportunity, and that affirmation that the decision to leave has to do with the dumper and not with the faults of the dumpee. When we are abandoned, whether we're little children or healthy adults, it's natural to wonder whether it was our own fault that the person left. Why not do your part to assure the other person that that is not the case?

 

I feel like this is a futile argument, because really I think the people who get what I'm trying to say don't need to have it said because it's just their worldview. The people who feel that it's each person for himself or herself out there and we owe each other nothing feel that way because this worldview works for them and they have no reason to believe they're not right.

 

I can tell you which society I'd rather live in--one where people feel they need to do their part to support others as well as themselves in getting through this crazy life. EVeryone can use a boost. When we're broken up with with no explanation or opportunity for discussion, it's COLD. It adds a whole other dimension to the pain of the break up. Can't really explain it but I'm trying....

 

As for being WEAK. Yes, Tinke's ex is weak because it takes integrity to face your decisions and do right by the other person and integrity takes courage. Nothing is more horrible than to have to tell a person to his or her face that you do not wish to be in a relationship with them anymore. Just because it's difficult does not give you a free pass to just avoid the whole situation. It's so SELFISH and really at the end of the day it's PATHETIC. People might not like to hear the truth, but at the end of the day it's what they want to be told. Most people recognize how much courage real honesty requires, and this is why a breakup is a little less devastating when the dumper steps forward to be truly honest. It conveys, amidst profound rejection, that regardless the dumper still has great respect for the other person and the time they spent together. It validates the other person, and the years invested in the relationship.

 

Well, I tried to explain. Tinke knows what I'm getting at.

[tinke]

thank you greencove, well said! i think you have to be in the situation to get it..to truly feel the impact.

 

again, if the OP was open and able to express their feelings throughout the relationship the whole break-up may have been avoided. at the very least, at least say something before giving up . running away without a word is very cowardly!

 

the good news is..i am feeling stronger, no..not hateful, but better about grounding myself from that sudden loss!

 

i believe those who had been left suddenly without a word after a LTR understand the dynamics i speak of.

 

g.c., hope all is well with you.

[Ocean-Blue]

it has been many months now since my break-up of greater than 10 yrs.

i can feel myself slowly "wanting" to live life and forge ahead, it is a forced effort to think ahead and not of what happened!

 

unimaginably, the break-up occured thru e-mail..very brief, superficial, just.."i'm moving on", etc. he stated , (after i pleaded) that he would talk to me about this by phone. we ahd been LD 3 yrs., due to family obligations (mine). we were to be together soon.

 

he never called, i persisted in attempting contact,to which there was no response.

after close to 6 wks, he answered, again...very cold, matter-of-fact tone. he stated he is to be wed soon to an aquaintance (someone he said he was dating for a couple months).

i heard another voice of a woman.

 

he has never replied to any further calls, notes, etc. nor had he ever requested that they stop. just nothing!

 

i would imagine he would leave me a message when i am away at work as to what happened, or to stop contacting him....something! but, nothing!!!!!!!

my attention had been with many situations, including responsibilities of ill family member. so, i am to believe part of this is he felt neglected. we visited often. however, he is conflict-avoidant, and never said a word! for anyone who has been overwhelmed with obligations, you know, the last person you would expect not to understand, is your S.O..

 

i guess, this is where i have problems moving on...absolutely no closure, no words, but a VERY brief phone call.

how does one move on from that?

how can someone just simply leave..without an explanation, words of some sort..something!

how can someone leave without guilt, remorse, of at least feeling they owe some type of closure. this was not a short-term fling!

 

i need your thoughts on this, replies, some sense of things to move past this.

help!!!

 

tinke, I remember some of your posts from a thread of mine from some time ago. Your ex didn't give you the respect that your relationship deserved...but he MAY come around one day and give you the closure that you seek. Unfortunately, that is conjecture at this point. Are you willing to put your life on hold, waiting around for him to apologize or give you an explanation?

 

The sooner you realize that his closure may not come, the faster you can move on with your life. The man disrespected what you two had...he spat on that which was important to you...do you even want closure from such a person?

 

If you recall, you asked me why I never wrote my ex. Well I sent that email a while ago... And he never responded (which I fully expected). That was his way of telling me that he has no time for someone who hurt him the way I did. I respect that. He wasn't waiting around for closure from my end. He went out and found it on his own.

 

I hope you can too.

[tinke]

ocean blue, thanks for the reply.

yes, i do find myself moving on, and i no longer expect nor wait for any form of closure from him.

 

i was stating that when my low times hit, it is the way in which he left that effects me most. it is that which kept me reeling the situation over and over. i have moved beyond that now. but, there are those glimpses of memories that pop up every now and then.

 

my question was really related to why/how can someone just leave suddenly without a word. has anyone done so...why...

it had left me puzzled as i know that i would NEVER be able to do that to another. i just couldn't!

 

i am not pining for him, i am moving forward. i do think of him much differently than before. i guess i was in MUCH disbelief that i thought i knew him better and thoroughly

surprised by his disrespectful exit. yes, i know that i must accept it for what it is.

it took me many months to reach this point.

thanks...hope you continue to do well.

[Ocean-Blue]

ocean blue, thanks for the reply.

yes, i do find myself moving on, and i no longer expect nor wait for any form of closure from him.

 

i was stating that when my low times hit, it is the way in which he left that effects me most. it is that which kept me reeling the situation over and over. i have moved beyond that now. but, there are those glimpses of memories that pop up every now and then.

 

my question was really related to why/how can someone just leave suddenly without a word. has anyone done so...why...

it had left me puzzled as i know that i would NEVER be able to do that to another. i just couldn't!

 

i am not pining for him, i am moving forward. i do think of him much differently than before. i guess i was in MUCH disbelief that i thought i knew him better and thoroughly

surprised by his disrespectful exit. yes, i know that i must accept it for what it is.

it took me many months to reach this point.

thanks...hope you continue to do well.

 

It's interesting that you wrote what you did. I feel the same way about my ex...only I left him. When my low points hit me, I reel over how I could have just left him the way I did. I still cry about it. The last day I spent with him haunts me like nothing else ever has.

 

But it's something I'm trying to live with. Writing that email was somewhat therapeutic...but an email can only do so much. The tears will flow over the regret of my actions.

 

On a better note, he is doing very well. That makes it easier. The guilt eases somewhat knowing that he is happy.

 

I hope your ex gives you the respect you deserve, ONE DAY (even if it's on his deathbed). I'm very sad for you...that he did what he did. But I'm also very glad to hear that you're putting HIS actions behind you. Rest assured tinke, if the man has any conscience at all, he will toss and turn and cry when no one is looking. At the least, he'll feel this dull, uncomfortable ache that won't go away...

[tinke]

checker

you appear to be very opinionated, and ill informed as far as my thread.

the thing is no one can dictate our feelings, they are ours! it is what WE feel!

 

no, i didn't know where i stood as you had said...that is the problem!

and it is not about him not returning calls.......it is about him making the first call..some form of goodbye other than 2 words on e-mail.

 

stay in contact to keep him???????????

again, i did not want to STAY in contact...i wanted A contact!

 

the other woman? honestly, i have NEVER, EVER thought of her. i see it as an escape, and she was there and willing. he never was alone as i recall.

she came up in topic, simply because he immaturely had her answer the phone..this is after a brief goodbye e-mail and avoidance. he could have easily explained the situation himself..this is grade school behavior. that was my point.

 

i honestly at this point do not give a rat's a$$ on what those two are doing...my point it that after 10 yrs., that was very inconsiderate on his part, and again, very childlike.

but, it is that realization which helped me move forward. seeing this, has opened my eyes to his immaturity to the highest degree.

 

it's not a deal of "keeping in contact" (from him) as you put it. it is the fact of at least leaving with dignity and respect for what was shared. you have misunderstood the intentions.