phunkyshoester Posted November 11, 2007 Posted November 11, 2007 My boyfriend and I have been together for about a year and have been living together for the last three months. Recently, he volunteered for a 1 week business trip. I can't blame him for that, the company is paying for him to stay at and review a 5 star resort in the Caribbean. He called me the first two nights he was away and told me during our last conversation that he can access the internet from the resort and would try to email me. Yesterday, he didn't call or write. We haven't gone a single day without speaking to each other since we met. Am I justified in being upset that he didn't call me last night?
compassion42 Posted November 11, 2007 Posted November 11, 2007 Of course you have a right to be upset! I especially believe that you do because you say you have never gong a day without speaking to eachother in the past. I'd be upset and a little worried too. Chances are that he was extra busy doing work obligations as well as enjoying his carribean experience. I'm sure he'll call today and when he does, you can let him know how worried you were.
Curmudgeon Posted November 11, 2007 Posted November 11, 2007 It may not be wrong but on the other hand, it could be a bit of smother-love to expect it and especially to become upset when your expectations aren't realized. Even in relationships we all are entitled to a bit of our own lives.
Author phunkyshoester Posted November 11, 2007 Author Posted November 11, 2007 Thanks, Compassion and Curmudgeon. I agree with you, Curmudgeon, that it is important to have your own life outside of your relationship. However, I also feel that it's important to include your partner in that outside life. I don't expect him to call every hour, on the hour, just once a day to check-in and say, 'hi'. If he calls today, I'll mention to him that I expected him to call or email yesterday. At least he'll know what I expect.
compassion42 Posted November 11, 2007 Posted November 11, 2007 sure...let him know how you feel but you may want to leave off the word "expect". That can come across as belittling or bossy and you wouldn't want that I'm sure.
Phateless Posted November 11, 2007 Posted November 11, 2007 I think it's a little controlling to expect him to call every single day. Sometimes guys need space or time to relax. There's nothing wrong with expecting him to call once or twice while away, but insisting he call daily is too much. I say you just relax, everything will be fine.
Author phunkyshoester Posted November 11, 2007 Author Posted November 11, 2007 I'm not insisting that he call...I just said that in the last year, we haven't gone one day without speaking/emailing/texting each other. I waited up for him to call me last night. I was a little miffed...but mostly hurt...because that was so out of character for him. So he called this afternoon...said that he had been out, to a dance club, and didn't get in until 5am. I'm not usually the jealous type but that stung a little. I guess what I need to do is stop waiting around for him to call...I should be out, living life.
Love Jones Posted November 11, 2007 Posted November 11, 2007 I guess what I need to do is stop waiting around for him to call...I should be out, living life. Excellent idea!!
Curmudgeon Posted November 12, 2007 Posted November 12, 2007 I think that's a reasonable expectation. If it was me I'd call and/or e-mail daily. It's the caring and considerate thing to do!
Philbert Posted November 12, 2007 Posted November 12, 2007 It would be nice, but I certainly wouldn't expect it every day. Sure you don't mknow what's going on, but that goes both ways, it doesn't have to be bad. Maybe he just got really swamped with work, it is a business trip after all.
Krytie TV Posted November 12, 2007 Posted November 12, 2007 This is one of those that doesn't have a right answer. Yes, it's OK to want daily communication. And yes, it's OK for him not to feel like he has to do it every day. It's just better to let this go and pick bigger battles to fight.
whichwayisup Posted November 12, 2007 Posted November 12, 2007 have been living together for the last three months. This is a good reason for him to be calling everyday. I mean, when one moves in with someone else, that's a committment. You talk everyday because you live together, being apart on a business trip shouldn't change that. Even if he's slightly busy, he could make the effort to call, to say goodnight, or just to quickly say HI, hope you're doing OK, miss ya, love ya, talk soon. But, with that being said, I would hope too, that you're secure enough to know he DOES love you and maybe got abit busy, didn't have time to call, then it was too late or fell asleep. I dunno, but don't assume the worst here.
Phateless Posted November 12, 2007 Posted November 12, 2007 The whole dance club thing... sounds like he might like a little space... maybe he feels pressured to call you every day? I was with a girl for 5 years, 9 months were long distance, and we did long distance for two more 3 month stretches after that. I know all about talking every day and all that stuff. There were days where she would call just to hear my voice and honestly had nothing to say. If I was busy or distracted, or just didn't feel like being on the phone at the moment, I would become very irritated and it strained our relationship. After a while you run out of stuff to talk about and too much contact when away can take some of the excitement out of reuniting. My point is... let him call you when he WANTS to talk to you... not out of obligation.
Ocean-Blue Posted November 12, 2007 Posted November 12, 2007 My boyfriend and I have been together for about a year and have been living together for the last three months. Recently, he volunteered for a 1 week business trip. I can't blame him for that, the company is paying for him to stay at and review a 5 star resort in the Caribbean. He called me the first two nights he was away and told me during our last conversation that he can access the internet from the resort and would try to email me. Yesterday, he didn't call or write. We haven't gone a single day without speaking to each other since we met. Am I justified in being upset that he didn't call me last night? Given the length and nature of your relationship (1 year LTR + cohabitating), I do not think you are expecting too much. Plus, the man is away on some island without you...it's nice to know he's thinking of you by sending you a short email or calling you up.
Phateless Posted November 12, 2007 Posted November 12, 2007 Given the length and nature of your relationship (1 year LTR + cohabitating), I do not think you are expecting too much. Plus, the man is away on some island without you...it's nice to know he's thinking of you by sending you a short email or calling you up. Yes, it's nice, but when does "nice" transition from being a perk to a demand?
Ocean-Blue Posted November 12, 2007 Posted November 12, 2007 Yes, it's nice, but when does "nice" transition from being a perk to a demand? Why should it be seen as a demand? Can one not have expectations when in a LTR? Since when did it become so unattractive to want certain things from your SO? This is the problem. People get into LTRs and then complain that it's too intense or demanding. There is a sense of entitlement with regards to CERTAIN things (i.e. expecting a SINGLE phone call per day when your SO, w/ whom you live, goes to some exotic island for a business trip). That is neither demanding nor a perk. It a courtesy and something that the OP is entitled to.
Phateless Posted November 12, 2007 Posted November 12, 2007 Why should it be seen as a demand? Can one not have expectations when in a LTR? Since when did it become so unattractive to want certain things from your SO? This is the problem. People get into LTRs and then complain that it's too intense or demanding. There is a sense of entitlement with regards to CERTAIN things (i.e. expecting a SINGLE phone call per day when your SO, w/ whom you live, goes to some exotic island for a business trip). That is neither demanding nor a perk. It a courtesy and something that the OP is entitled to. I completely agree about expectations, but what if the SO doesn't want to talk that day? I think these things should be negotiated out between each couple instead of going by "rules" and generic stereotyping expectations. I would expect my SO to understand if I sent a text that said "hey baby don't feel like talking today. I'll call you tomorrow. i love you."
Ocean-Blue Posted November 12, 2007 Posted November 12, 2007 I completely agree about expectations, but what if the SO doesn't want to talk that day? I think these things should be negotiated out between each couple instead of going by "rules" and generic stereotyping expectations. I would expect my SO to understand if I sent a text that said "hey baby don't feel like talking today. I'll call you tomorrow. i love you." Unless he was experiencing some kind of emergency, I really don't see why he wouldn't call her. I agree that each couple is different and such expectations may differ from couple to couple. A simple call/email/text suggests respect and courtesy.
Enema Posted November 12, 2007 Posted November 12, 2007 As someone else said, there's no right or wrong answer here... It would certainly be nice if you were on the same page though. You don't have any right to be upset at him as you have never brought up your need to be spoken to every day. While I'm not going to say you're wrong, that level of expectation is not something I would put up with.
Phateless Posted November 12, 2007 Posted November 12, 2007 Unless he was experiencing some kind of emergency, I really don't see why he wouldn't call her. I agree that each couple is different and such expectations may differ from couple to couple. A simple call/email/text suggests respect and courtesy. You're saying the girl is ENTITLED to a phone call from her guy. What if the guy doesn't want to talk right then? Where do his feelings and entitlements fit in here? Why is she given priority in what she wants? Is it better for him to begrudgingly make the phone call to a girl he doesn't feel like talking to at that moment? What makes one perspective more important than the other? I think the problem with LTRs is that people's expectations are too high. There's too much pressure, too much to live up to, and of course it eventually breaks down and turns into resentment. You have this person trying to micro-manage your life because they are entitled to... what... YOU?
Ocean-Blue Posted November 12, 2007 Posted November 12, 2007 You're saying the girl is ENTITLED to a phone call from her guy. What if the guy doesn't want to talk right then? Where do his feelings and entitlements fit in here? Why is she given priority in what she wants? Is it better for him to begrudgingly make the phone call to a girl he doesn't feel like talking to at that moment? What makes one perspective more important than the other? I think the problem with LTRs is that people's expectations are too high. There's too much pressure, too much to live up to, and of course it eventually breaks down and turns into resentment. You have this person trying to micro-manage your life because they are entitled to... what... YOU? Yes, I am. Not just the girl but the guy too. I should have clarified by saying that it MAY differ from couple to couple. Not everyone will see the once a day contact (when your SO is out of the country on business in a foreign country) as being an entitlement. The point is, each couple usually does have a set of expectations or standards. See, an LTR is something of a social contract (much like marriage). There are specific clauses that separate an LTR from other types of Rs. Like you mentioned, each couple has their own sets of expectations. And let's get real here. Expecting a single call/text/email once day (in the particular context mentioned by the OP) is not a high expectation nor should it induce any sort of "pressure". If your common law wife were to go on a business trip to the Congo for a week and she didn't call you when she said she would (and has always done so in the past), you'd be cool with that?
Phateless Posted November 12, 2007 Posted November 12, 2007 Yes, I am. Not just the girl but the guy too. I should have clarified by saying that it MAY differ from couple to couple. Not everyone will see the once a day contact (when your SO is out of the country on business in a foreign country) as being an entitlement. The point is, each couple usually does have a set of expectations or standards. See, an LTR is something of a social contract (much like marriage). There are specific clauses that separate an LTR from other types of Rs. Like you mentioned, each couple has their own sets of expectations. And let's get real here. Expecting a single call/text/email once day (in the particular context mentioned by the OP) is not a high expectation nor should it induce any sort of "pressure". If your common law wife were to go on a business trip to the Congo for a week and she didn't call you when she said she would (and has always done so in the past), you'd be cool with that? I agree with you, and no, I would think something is amiss. But I would ask her about it and then give her space if she wanted it, without freaking out and demanding that daily call. With my ex, I did soooo much for her and the more I did, the more she accused me of not doing anything for her. We'd go out with all her friends and they'd all tell me how I was the perfect boyfriend and how sweet I was to do all these things for her and the next day she would tell me I didn't do anything for her. It was never enough... it was ridiculous. I would want a call because she felt like calling... not because it was her obligation to call me. The pressure is not the call itself... the pressure is the person on the other end, demanding that call.
Phateless Posted November 12, 2007 Posted November 12, 2007 As someone else said, there's no right or wrong answer here... It would certainly be nice if you were on the same page though. You don't have any right to be upset at him as you have never brought up your need to be spoken to every day. While I'm not going to say you're wrong, that level of expectation is not something I would put up with. There you have it.
Ocean-Blue Posted November 12, 2007 Posted November 12, 2007 I agree with you, and no, I would think something is amiss. But I would ask her about it and then give her space if she wanted it, without freaking out and demanding that daily call. With my ex, I did soooo much for her and the more I did, the more she accused me of not doing anything for her. We'd go out with all her friends and they'd all tell me how I was the perfect boyfriend and how sweet I was to do all these things for her and the next day she would tell me I didn't do anything for her. It was never enough... it was ridiculous. I would want a call because she felt like calling... not because it was her obligation to call me. The pressure is not the call itself... the pressure is the person on the other end, demanding that call. How one choses to react to such a thing is a personal call. I don't see how a demanding, intrusive response would help the situation. I understand that some people are hard to please and consistent effort and gestures go unnoticed with such people...however, it's important to separate your personal experience from that of the OP. Her question was limited to what she posted. She has not given us more information on the specifics of the relationship. Based on the few details she provided, I provided her with a general, relationship oriented response. My answer might be different if her SO was like your ex.
Phateless Posted November 12, 2007 Posted November 12, 2007 How one choses to react to such a thing is a personal call. I don't see how a demanding, intrusive response would help the situation. I understand that some people are hard to please and consistent effort and gestures go unnoticed with such people...however, it's important to separate your personal experience from that of the OP. Her question was limited to what she posted. She has not given us more information on the specifics of the relationship. Based on the few details she provided, I provided her with a general, relationship oriented response. My answer might be different if her SO was like your ex. Fair enough. But you still haven't responded to the most important point I made. WHAT ABOUT THE GUY'S FEELINGS? It seems to be your opinion that he should just suck it up...
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