jealous much?

[lovesparis]

a few years ago a mutual friend introduced M and myself. we started dating and had a R for 2 years. through that time i was unhappy a lot of the time, but thought we were ultimately really good for each other since we shared so many common interests, etc. turns out, we're just really good friends, and good as friends.

 

he meets a new girl, i want to meet her, as well as i want her to meet me; i know that M/F friendships are often awkward to other people. i invite them to parties that i have... she refuses to come, refuses to meet me, and disallows our friendship. she required that we cease communication and had him give her his email and vm passwords so she could confirm that no communication had occurred.

 

they break up. he comes back to my apologizes for letting her control him, yadda yadda. we're friends again. she emails me wanting to know why we broke up b/c she wanted to know if ti was for the same reasons; ie: he's a slacker, etc. i told her that i wasn't going to get into their fight and ti's their business why they broke up and that if she feels she needs "ammo to confront him in their next argument it's best to find her own and to leave me out of it". she responded by calling me a bitch and telling me how much better of a person she is...

frankly, i felt she was psychotic.

 

now they're back together. according to him, we're "allowed" to be friends this time. they've already broken up and gotten back together at least 2 times in the past 2 months. it sounds completely unheathy. i don't like him when he's with her. and she's already planning on them starting to have kids in the spring (he doesn't have a job, he's in school, he lives in a city 3.5 hours away and she's not sure she wants to move there, but she's sure they want to have kids ASAP) i am obsessed with their relationship and it makes me sick, they way they just float around neglecting to think of the impacts their decisions will have in the long haul. and furthermore, she's a self-described intellectual. BUT SHE IGNORES THE CONSEQUENCES OF HER BEHAVIOR.

 

i do know that part of me is jealous that they broke up and got back together when my more recent ex and i have not gotten back together (and we had a significantly more healthy relationship than they do) but that really doesnt' explain my obsession and hatred of their relationship.

 

1) why am i so obsessed about their relationship? it really doesn't impact ME.

2) what can i do to stop obsessing about them?

3) should i sit with him and tell him how i really feel about this whole thing, or should i just let him make his own decisions; even if it results in bringing a child into this world prematurely?

4) has anyone else ever expereinced anythign like this?

 

any help/insight anyone can offer would be greatly appreciated.

[Tony T]

1) why am i so obsessed about their relationship? it really doesn't impact ME.

 

You're on autopilot. You still like this guy, despite the fact that he's ignorant, makes bad decisions, puts others over you and selects women who want to control him. He's a wussie. Let's leave him out of this. Your involvement with him says loads about issues that YOU need to work on for yourself.

 

2) what can i do to stop obsessing about them?

 

Have NO contact with them whatsoever. No calls, no email, no letters, no nothing! Get both of them completely out of your mind for ALL time and work on doing nice things for yourself. In time, your friends and others you meet, rightly take up the energy you are now wasting on this useless bums.

 

3) should i sit with him and tell him how i really feel about this whole thing, or should i just let him make his own decisions; even if it results in bringing a child into this world prematurely?

 

His life, at this point, is absolutely...totally...completely none of your business! Get out of his life. Let him make his own mistakes. Learn now, YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOURSELF AND NOBODY ELSE! Sitting him down and telling him how you feel about his life and his behavior would not only be awkward but it's would be inappropriate and would not reflect well on you.

 

4) has anyone else ever expereinced anythign like this?

 

I'm sure they have but I, personally, go out of my way to avoid these kinds of situations...and when they present themselves I get away very quickly.

[lovesparis]

i like him, yes, but i'm not in love with him, nor have i been for a couple years. he's a friend of mine, and as a friend, i believe we should "look out" for each other. i have watched countless people criticize the choice of their "best friends" spouse behind their backs, but never once tell them to their face they think they are making a mistake (before the marriage). and i would hope my friends would tell me that they think i'm making a mistake, in any aspect of my life. even if i don't listen, at least it's been said. it doesn't have to ruin the friendship.

 

your involvement with him says loads about issues that YOU need to work on for yourself.

 

what does it say about me to you?

 

Have NO contact with them whatsoever. No calls, no email, no letters, no nothing!

 

i haven't contacted him since he let me know they were dating. i know how she feels about me, regardless of him saying it's "ok" this time.

[touchedbyfire]

i like him, yes, but i'm not in love with him, nor have i been for a couple years. he's a friend of mine, and as a friend, i believe we should "look out" for each other. i have watched countless people criticize the choice of their "best friends" spouse behind their backs, but never once tell them to their face they think they are making a mistake (before the marriage). and i would hope my friends would tell me that they think i'm making a mistake, in any aspect of my life. even if i don't listen, at least it's been said. it doesn't have to ruin the friendship.

 

what does it say about me to you?

 

i haven't contacted him since he let me know they were dating. i know how she feels about me, regardless of him saying it's "ok" this time.

My Psych 101 analysis of your situation is that your mind is baffled and a little hurt that he would keep getting back together with this other girl whom you feel is far unhealthier for him than you were. Thus, perhaps there is a little insecurity on your part as to why that would be. You're asking yourself, "What am I missing? What does she have that I don't, that he would keep going back to her even though I believe that I'm the better woman?" It obsesses you because you fear that you are missing something about yourself that can't explain his behavior as to why he would keep trying with her, BUT not you.

 

Does that sound close?

[lovesparis]

not even a little bit, sorry touched.

 

i'm don't feel like i'm comparing myself to her, or my relationship with him to theirs.

 

what's past is past in this case. we dated for 2 yrs or something, and ultimately, neither of us were happy in the end. we parted ways very amicably, and are friends.

 

i simply feel that he's in an unhealthy relationship, has poor foresight (as does she) and i want to share with him that i feel he's making a bad decision, just to have it said.

 

i'm bothered by the fact that i care so much, though

[touchedbyfire]

not even a little bit, sorry touched.

 

i'm don't feel like i'm comparing myself to her, or my relationship with him to theirs.

 

what's past is past in this case. we dated for 2 yrs or something, and ultimately, neither of us were happy in the end. we parted ways very amicably, and are friends.

 

i simply feel that he's in an unhealthy relationship, has poor foresight (as does she) and i want to share with him that i feel he's making a bad decision, just to have it said.

 

i'm bothered by the fact that i care so much, though

I think the only time any of us care about anything or anyone at all is when it involves us in someway. People are selfish in that way. And I don't mean "selfish" in a negative manner. It's just that we tend to only care about things that affect us. I don't think you're consciously comparing yourself - you said that their relationship doesn't affect you. But I think it does. At least more so than you admit. There's no other reason to care so deeply. Just my $0.02.

[sally4sara]

I think you miss the friendship you had with him before she came along. She comes on the scene and changes your friendship with him despite your attempts to befriend her. You went from wanting to think good things about how your friend found some great girl to worried what sort of scene she might cause if you did ever have to be around her. Then she starts making it difficult for you to even HAVE a friendship.

 

Did she have any grounds for this? Like - Do you and your friend say suggestive things "just joking around"? Was there ever one of those stupid drunken mistake nights while you were just friends? Did you feel that before she came along, your friend carried a torch for you but was content to just be your friend?

 

Then when they broke up, because of everything that happened.......you were relieved weren't you? You thought your friend dodged a bullet and things could go back to normal.

 

But he did what you figured he wouldn't and got back with her. And even though she will allow the friendship, you already don't like her. And you see her plans for having kids and potentially him moving to her town as the end of the friendship.

 

It is his choice, however stupid it may seem. So voice your concerns if you want, I don't see that it will be what end the friendship, because if he doesn't listen, the friendship is as good as dead anyway.

[lovesparis]

i guess i shouldn't have worried myself to death over this issue.

 

i received an email from her today, stating all the reasons she thinks i need to change (namely, b/c she thinks i should). she also sent the email to her bf, my friend, thus putting him into the middle (does he tell me she sent it, or just let me find out on my own). unfortunately, he didn't get to me in time, and i read the email before i spoke with him.

 

he's distressed about the whole thing, and the lot of us will be at a wedding together in the next month. he's made her promise him that she will behave properly toward me or else they will leave, and allow me to have a good time. i told him, when we spoke, that the fact he had to make her promise to behave, as though he couldn't trust her to do it on her own, was indicitive of a plethora of problems that she has. i told him that while i didn't appreciate her email to me, that i can handle myself and he doesn't need to get into the middle. i don't want him to feel as though he has to choose b/w us.

 

since she so kindly opened the door for me to tell him how i feel, i did. i told him that i considered him a friend of mine, someone that i cared about in a platonic manner, that the way his gf was presenting herself made it hard to like her, and that i thought she had some emotional problems. i told him that unlike our other friends who did not speak their disapproval of other friends' relationships, that i needed to tell him i found it VERY unhealthy. i told him that since he was my friend, i would support him in whatever decisions he chose to make regarding her, but that i needed to voice my disapproval for it, that i understood if that impacted our friendship, and if he felt that he was unable to maintain a relationship with her and a friendship with me due to my feelings about her, i understood, but that i wanted the decision to be his. he seemed to take my comments reasonably well, but he's very upset at her acting out at me, especially when she's declined every invitiation that i've extended to meet me.

 

i feel soooooo much better now that i've told him how i feel and have gotten it off my chest. hopefully everything else will take care of itself.

[lovesparis]

in reply to your post sally4,

 

Did she have any grounds for this? Like - Do you and your friend say suggestive things "just joking around"? Was there ever one of those stupid drunken mistake nights while you were just friends? Did you feel that before she came along, your friend carried a torch for you but was content to just be your friend?

 

no, we aren't suggestive, we don't make inappropriate or sexual comments to each other. no drunken nights, or even sober ones, after we stopped dating. my friend and i dated for close to 2/2.5 yrs, we parted amicably. we stayed friends b/c we had many things in common and both realized we were better friends than partners. it's one of the reasons i felt it was important to meet her, moreso, for her to meet me. so that she could see us interact together and know that there were no feelings there. for either of us.

 

But he did what you figured he wouldn't and got back with her. And even though she will allow the friendship, you already don't like her. And you see her plans for having kids and potentially him moving to her town as the end of the friendship.

 

my feelings for her have to do with the behavior she's presented to me. 1) refusing to meet me. 2) cutting me out of his life. 3) emailing me after they broke up expecting me to just give her information that she would use against me, and against him in their next argument. she went off the deep end when i refused to play her games and has instead, been harping this resentment for the past 5 months, as evidenced by her tirading email today.

i would love to see a different side of her, but she either doesn't have one or is unwilling to present it to me. instead she makes herself look like an ass.

 

i see their plans for children to be poorly thought out and lacking the foresight of responsible parenting (considering, he doesn't even have a job, let alone the fact that he's a full-time student, and she's disinclined to move to where he's going to school due to liking her child's school.) if he moves to where she is, that is the same town i'm in, and he would either need to graduate first or change programs (as the city he moved to was for the program he went to school for). personally, i think him moving away from everything up here was the best thing he's done in his life so far. and that has NOTHING to do with her being here.

[sally4sara]

Oh, I fully understand why her actions would make it difficult to like her! It sounds like she views you as a threat. I asked the questions I asked to make sure she had no LEGITIMATE reason to feel that way. Sorry I didn't realize when you spoke of him moving to where she lives that I didn't realize also that it is where you live as well. All I meant was that if he solidifies their relationship, it will become even harder for your friendship to continue. If she can sway him while they live apart, her influence will only get stronger if they live together. And then more so if they have a kid. Maybe that is her whole motivation for wanting one. (great reason for having a kid, huh?)

She sounds like an insecure control freak. Its not like I have never had issue with any of my bf's woman friends.......but they had to actually DO something for me to dislike them first. I view every friend of my bf's as a potential friend to me even if they are an ex of his, but a lot of people can't deal with this no matter how long the relationship has been platonic. It is the hazard of having opposite gender friends; sometimes their SO views you as their back up "in case of emergency-break glass" option.

 

Your situation reminds me of a something one of my friends dealt with. Her bf's female friend hadn't really done anything and couldn't understand why my friend disliked her. What she didn't see was the bf's actions. He behaved like he carried a torch for his friend. My friend just took it out on the girl because she didn't know what to do about her bf's actions and assumed his friend was pulling the strings. Maybe this is going on and you don't realize it because you don't encourage it, but she sees it and hates you for his behavior? I only suggest this as a possibility because it sounds like you made every attempt to befriend her and put her mind at ease and she STILL had issue with you.

[lovesparis]

sally4, thank you for your insight and responses. a couple of my RL friends seem to think there may be unresolved feelings for me on his part, i've never seen that, or thought that, but that doesn't mean it's out of the realm of possibility.

 

as a good friend, i talked with him and told him that if our friendship continues driving a wedge b/w them, that i will let it go, as long as it's him asking me to let it go. he said he understood, but considered our friendship very important. i told him to please keep his eyes open as to what kind of person she is, and to try not to be blinded by love.