MissyMee Posted November 11, 2007 Posted November 11, 2007 SOS! I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years. It's no longer working out. It hasn't been for a long time. We live together. I can't take it anymore! It's like we just don't mesh. We've had a serious falling out recently having to do with how our future will go, pertaining to having children. We ended it at a standstill I want one thing and he wants the opposite. He dropped it and acted like NOTHING was going on. I'm sick of it. On one hand I feel like I should stay till the holidays are over. And on the other hand I feel like he is using my for the additional money during the holidays and he knows we are over! I'm a chatty person, while he says nothing to me but has tons to say when he gets around his friends. This has always been one of our major issues. Along with him not doing any cleaning in the house! We went out with his friends last night and he was telling them stories and acting all happy. We get home, sit on the couch together and I am talking to him. Trying to enjoy one another...when he just clams up. He does this weird passive aggressive eye twitch evil eye thing when I'm talking as he STARES at the tv and waits for me to finish. He says nothing to my conversation. I say to him I know I'm chatty, is it bugging you? He says, you know how my smoking butts bothers you? Well that's how I feel when you talk!!! I guess I asked for it??? But come on, what a d*ck! And when I revealed that P*SSED me off he turned it around on me because he always does that. Said how I was negative and mean to him all afternoon. Which totally had nothing to do with anything and was not even true I remembered having fun? I got up and left, I guess he got the silence he wanted. What a jerk! But who wants to live like that?? There are two sides to every story. And my complaints are not even relevant. The truth is that I want to leave but am left feeling like I don't know what to do? I've never really been alone and when I leave him I will definitely be there. Not that being with him makes me not alone because I seriously feel alone with him. The only way he ever communicates with me beyond snapping at me, is thru EMAIL!! My family is about thousand miles away. I don't have many friends. How do I do this? Do I tell him THEN find a place? Find a place then tell him?? Please tell me how do I make this easier?? I'm so scared. I don't want to hurt him. He is always telling me he loves but I don't get how he can say that then continue to treat me this way? It's like I'm here to do the chores he doesn't want to do and to be his bed-mate. But please don't talk or cause problems. Or want a family...just fall within in his relationship guidelines or shut up.
amaysngrace Posted November 11, 2007 Posted November 11, 2007 Do you rent? Because if you do then I think you have to give him ample time to find a replacement. I think you could be responsible for rent if you just up and leave regardless if you still live there or not. Also too do you have a lease agreement? Because you don't want to break the lease. You will need permission from your landlord to do so. I would get it in writing. You should tell your BF you want out as soon as possible. This way you can both reach an agreement and you won't screw yourself by being hasty. You may still get screwed but he has rules to follow too. Talk it over with him.
SYRACUSE03 Posted November 11, 2007 Posted November 11, 2007 You've been together 5 years and you are just going to give up? Relationships are work, hard work. Even when your partner is giving 1%, you need to give 99% to get things back on track. If you truly love him, try new things to get his attention. There must have been something that attracted you to him 5 years ago and now everything is buried beneath the anger and disappointment. Try and close the distance between you two. He is probably is content with the relationship which is not acceptable...you need to be happy, not content. Communication is key here. You can't change him but you can change yourself to make him react. I am always for repairing a relationship before destroying one unless it's abusive. In that case, no one deserves it and should get out of that situation. I'm sort of in the same boat, my g/f left me 2 months ago after 4 1/2 years with some of the same concerns. We wanted opposite things but I realize now that I was closed minded. We are not perfect but we are also not mindreaders. I was a good partner but I could have been better because I took things for granted. Not on purpose, but I became very content with how things were. Learn to communicate effectively so both of you are on the same page. If I knew then what I know now, I would still be in a relationship and would be a better person/partner. No one knows this situation better than you so if you feel that the love is there and you have the strength to make a difference, and he is the one for you, do it. If you are going to leave, why wait? He will not even see it coming and I don't think that's very mature. This sound like one of those classic break-ups where someone walks away and says, "I need my space" or "I love you but I'm not in love with you." I am far from an expert but I just hate when people have no insight and all they say is "move on", "get over it" without getting into any possible solutions. Hope even a little bit of this helps. Good luck!
amaysngrace Posted November 11, 2007 Posted November 11, 2007 Avoiding emotional intimacy and initiating the silent treatment are considered psychologically "abusive" by some. That's why I suggested you talk it over with him. Because it will open up the door to the conversation you guys have been avoiding. And he'll know exactly where you're coming from. If he knows how adament you are on leaving this relationship it may wake him up to do the work he needs to do. Or he may let you go. Which says that to him it's just not worth it. Saying he loves you and showing he does are two different things entirely.
FindingMyselfAgain Posted November 11, 2007 Posted November 11, 2007 MissyMe, it sounds like you two don't belong together. If there is no communication on either side -- if there is a huge difference in life goals (children or no children) -- if there are the things you've described, then DUMP and FIND THE RIGHT GUY. This one ain't it.
Author MissyMee Posted November 12, 2007 Author Posted November 12, 2007 I go thru this constantly. I'm really not happy. It drives me insane hearing him tell other people stories I've never heard. I try to talk to him but he totally blocks me out. He DOES WANT different things than I do. He's always telling me he loves me though. At then end of the end of the day we are comfortable - BUT NOT REALLY!!! I really can't take it anymore. I'm so dissatisfied. And it annoys me that I started organizing this nice gift for his son who is away. I asked him to talk to his family and he was like well I don't know, I'll see what I can do (he still hasn't talked to them). Then last night he was talking to his son on the phone and told him...I have a suprise for you that I'm putting together - WTH??? Not that I was going to write my name all over it but it just seems like.... JERK. It's always like that with him! I don't get why I keep staying here. I figure I need to write down a plan or something. Whenever its discussed we end up with me staying. It always ends up being my fault. EVERYTHING!! aaahhh.
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