Love Jones Posted November 11, 2007 Posted November 11, 2007 My problem is that I am too forgiving and too willing to put up with all kinds of crap from men. I don't know why. I'm far more level-headed when it comes to my career and some of the other areas of my life - although there is still some room for improvement in those areas too. Anyway, when there are 'red flags' in a new relationship, I tend to gloss over them instead of heeding them. I am always giving men the benefit of the doubt. When I start dating a new guy, my friends are usually absolutely appalled when they finally get to meet him: they're appalled usually by his unkempt appearance, his shiftiness, his lack of social skills etc. I'm always being told "you could do better." The thing is I tend to easily feel sorry for me and not want to hurt them. If they're weird and evasive or angry or have substance abuse issues or are simply ugly or awful in bed, I tend to ignore those things even though those things really do bother me. The last man I had a thing with was shifty (would not discuss his relationship past at all), angry, cold, arrogant, had ED and a micro penis and was extremely flaky and poor at communicating and treated me like an afterthought. And yet I still wanted to date him! The worse he treated me, the more I wanted him until one day I suddenly looked at the reality of him and was able to drop him like a hot potato. The boyfriend before him had been in trouble with the cops, had a personality disorder and almost date raped me. The one before him was Bipolar, had a booze and weed problem, was extremely controlling and codependent and went insane when I told him he couldn't move in with me after 3 weeks!! Obviously I need to make drastic changes in my dating life. These men I've described didn't immediately seem to be the dregs they turned out to be. Two of them were graduates of Ivy League schools and looked respectable on the outside. This does all kind of reflect my family/parents who appeared respectable and well-to-do but were seriously, seriously, seriously dysfunctional and unstable. So, what can I do? I'm attractive, hard-working, motivated, funny, kind and smart. And yet I date SUCH such such losers. How do I get clear about what is and what isn't acceptable when it comes to dating? I just ditched the latest dysfunctional guy, so I'm feeling ready to change my patterns! I'm in my mid 30s.
marlena Posted November 11, 2007 Posted November 11, 2007 LJ, I think the key to whole mystery is common sense and quick escape. In an attepmt to help my daughter not make the mistakes I have made, I tell her one simple thing! As soon as you see major red flags, walk away. Right there and then. do not hesitate a minute. Do not allow yourself to go one step further. Things are what they seem to be most of the time. In our eager search for that one person who will make us happy, we foolishly ignore what is staring at us right in the face. You need to cultivate the ability and the strength to walk away right at the start. Nipping the bud sort of thing. Hope this helped.
Author Love Jones Posted November 11, 2007 Author Posted November 11, 2007 LJ, I think the key to whole mystery is common sense and quick escape. In an attepmt to help my daughter not make the mistakes I have made, I tell her one simple thing! As soon as you see major red flags, walk away. Right there and then. do not hesitate a minute. Do not allow yourself to go one step further. Things are what they seem to be most of the time. In our eager search for that one person who will make us happy, we foolishly ignore what is staring at us right in the face. You need to cultivate the ability and the strength to walk away right at the start. Nipping the bud sort of thing. Hope this helped. Thanks Marlena! Can anyone help me come up with some things that are non-negotiable red flags?? In the case of my last relationship, some things that stuck out as red flags for me were as follows. Am I right? *He pestered me for sex after I said no *He was too forceful sexually after I told him politely to slow down *He refused to talk about his past at all and coudln't maintain eye contact *He put down my achievements *He was racist towards me
milquetoast Posted November 11, 2007 Posted November 11, 2007 *He put down my achievements *He was racist towards me These two would be red flags for me. The 2nd one would be a complete dealbreaker. Totally non-negotiable.
marlena Posted November 11, 2007 Posted November 11, 2007 Those my dear are huge warning signs. I posted about this in one of your other threads. A person with shifty eyes who positively refuses to talk about himself in the past, present or future is a person who has something unpleasant to hide. And someone you can not trust. When someone feels the need to be THAT secretive, there's usually a good reason. Those proverbial "skeletons in the closet." He does not want you to discover who he really is. Honest, open people can look another straight in the eyes and answer innocuous questions without going into a hurdle. I suspect your ex had some very serious mental and emotional issues. Belittling you was one way of dragging you down to his base level. In so doing, he created in his own deluded eyes, a superior image of himself. Why? Low self- esteem that could stem from abuse as a child to a sense of failure to just about anything really. More: *an addict * an alcoholic *a liar *a deluded liar *sexually aggresive *secretive *promiscuity *a series of wrecked relationships *unemployed for long periods * manpulative *cruel *cold *violent temper *sexual inadequacy *irrational The list is endless. When the right person comes along, he will be none of these things.
sumdude Posted November 11, 2007 Posted November 11, 2007 The magic word is "NO" Learn to use it when you feel like it. It has an amazing power. And coming from a guy check out the book "Why Men Love Bitches" it's not a bad guide actually... A man respects a woman with strong boundaries as long as she retains her feminine side.
Trialbyfire Posted November 11, 2007 Posted November 11, 2007 This does all kind of reflect my family/parents who appeared respectable and well-to-do but were seriously, seriously, seriously dysfunctional and unstable. People tend to be drawn into situations that give them a comfort level due to familiarity. If you grew up with a certain amount of stress within your familial relationships, you will look for the same level of stress in your romantic relationships. Don't take this the wrong way but have you ever seen a therapist about your relationship with your family? It can't hurt to try to fix historical issues.
marlena Posted November 11, 2007 Posted November 11, 2007 People tend to be drawn into situations that give them a comfort level due to familiarity. If you grew up with a certain amount of stress within your familial relationships, you will look for the same level of stress in your romantic relationships. This I have found to be quite true, empirically speaking, of course. We tend to re - enact scenarios that are, at a subconscious level, comfortably familiar to us. The sooner we realize this, the sooner we can break these self-destructive patterns.
squeak Posted November 11, 2007 Posted November 11, 2007 Hi, I recall one of your threads was "could he be a serial killer?" and I thought your threads had an element of humor in them, and a sense of playfulness. And reading here how you mentioned the professional on the outside but deranged on the inside is something you grew up with-I also want to ask if on any level you are deeply amused while being simultaneously horrified? there is something about trainwreck personalities that takes our minds off ourselves. So the first thing I would say is: -is this filling any need for you? No, no-this is not meant to be insulting. But you need top ask yourself that, or you'll keep gravitating back to it, not just out of familiarity but also maybe because it takes all the focus off you and all your energy goes into them. Second, about boundaries, that is tricky because you sense you are not comfortable with red flags as they come up, yet still are not sure enough to actually acknowledge what your boundaries are. And it certainly doesn't help if family never had proper boundaries with eachother-where are you supposed to learn it from? Try to make a list of all things you have experienced that you were uncomfortable with, and a list of things you had heard or read about through others that you found objectionable-that will be your memorized list to help you detect red flags while you attend therapy to help you define boundaries from within.
compassion42 Posted November 11, 2007 Posted November 11, 2007 LJ-I have been known to overlook many red flags myself. I think I have done this because it is part of my nature to try to help others and I have a very hard time saying NO. I am learning though-I now keep my eyes wide open and as soon as I see signs of possible serious issues I am cautious. I don't automatically say good-bye but I do try to be more aware and gather more info before making a judgement. I like the lists of red flags already generated but I also would like to add if the guy is extremely clingy and always wants to know where you are and what you're doing it is usually a red flag in disguise.
Kasan Posted November 11, 2007 Posted November 11, 2007 LJ-- You simply need to require more of yourself. There is a saying that you "attract what you are", so based on what you are telling us, somewhere in thinking, you think you deserve these type of men. I don't believe that anything is going to change until you truly believe that you deserve better.....and you do deserve better. Time to develop some attitude girl--decide what you want in a partner and don't settle for anything less as you will be cheating yourself. Now when I say attitude, I am not meaning bitchy--but confidence that you can look through the BS and not settle for someone who is less than what you deserve. It's about boundary setting--what you will and won't put up with. You bring a lot to the table, make sure they bring an equal amount.
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