patientguy Posted November 11, 2007 Posted November 11, 2007 I've been involved with a married woman at my work for a little over a year. When things started we took things all the way but ended up getting caught (DDay). I ended up getting a divorce and she is still with her husband (married a couple months longer than we've been involved). Anyway, since the DDay we've gone back and forth emotionally. We haven't had sex since before we were caught but the relationship is more than that. Lately, its been getting harder for us to cope. I've tried to get another job and had an opportunity once even but backed out because my brother died and I wasn't in a state for the change. The other day I called her and told her that I want her to leave. I kinda made it like an ultimatum, and althoug I didn't make any direct threat, I think she understands that there is a chance I meant I would tell her husband if she didn't go. I've never mentioned this to her before, but I realize more than ever that something has to change. I would be the one leaving but she has little to lose by going to a new job. I have a son and am committed to staying in the area for him. There are few jobs I would be interested in close to this area, which make it harder on me. She on the other hand want to go back to school and get her masters degree. She's a bit younger than me by the way. So even though part of me would prefer that I go so I don't have to hurt her, the other part is upset that she won't leave her husband or at least tell me that we are over. So that part of me thinks she's the one that needs to go. I fear that my actions will make her angry and that will destroy any chances we may have. When I told her she seemed both hurt and angry. She told me that I she would not leave because I TOLD her, but because she wants to. She said she's been thinking about leaving in about 9 months. I want her to face her situation and tell me its over or be serious with me. I tend to lose my mind on Friday's when she goes home. I know here and her husband are having problems, but I also know they are active once or twice a week. She says that she doesn't like to do it but has to to keep him happy. I don't think sex is the big picture here at all, and that is low by average standards, but being with him once hurts me. In my heart I want and am being faithful...stupid I guess, but I love her. It drives me crazy that she confesses her love for me but goes away each day and during the weekend to try and build a relationship with another man. Should I hold firm in my postion. What should I do know? Any advice.
kypepeo Posted November 11, 2007 Posted November 11, 2007 Every relationship is different I guess but mostly they tend to not break up their marriages for the people they are having an affair with. Something about eating their cake and having it to. She seems like she has plans for her life and all that and unfortunately, it doesn't sound like part of those plans is leaving him, I don't know her and don't know how strong your relationship with her is but I wouldn't peg all my hopes on her if I were you
LucreziaBorgia Posted November 11, 2007 Posted November 11, 2007 It does not sound like she intends to leave. If I were you, I'd be preparing myself for a breakup.
GreenEyedLady Posted November 11, 2007 Posted November 11, 2007 It drives me crazy that she confesses her love for me but goes away each day and during the weekend to try and build a relationship with another man. Should I hold firm in my postion. What should I do know? Any advice. Well, how long are you willing to wait? She may never leave her H...Are you going to be able to deal with that possibility? It seems from your post that you are not... I think you need to decide what your needs are and ask yourself if she is fulfilling them...If she's not, identify what your needs are and see if you can come to a compromise... If she's not willing to give you what you need, then you should break up with her...Why should she leave her H if she knows you are just patiently waiting...Then give it a month or so and see what happens...She needs to know what life without you is like...If it is livable for her, then she's not worth your time... When someone truly loves you and wants to be with you, they will SHOW you, not just tell you... (((HUGS)))
Chrome Barracuda Posted November 12, 2007 Posted November 12, 2007 You cheated on your wife with a married woman and expected the woman to leave her husband, more noticeably now your mad cause she wont do that? Are you freaking kidding me??? You have some audacity.!!! Maybe she loves her husband and you was just a fling? Did you ever think of that? You destroyed your family and son's upbringing because you fell for your jump off and you got played. Tough nuggets. It happens.
RamChops Posted November 12, 2007 Posted November 12, 2007 I have just pushed my MW to make a choice (knowing she'd choose to stay in her M), and we are both regretting it for the moment ... she is very conflicted about her M now, and feels like she can't escape it ... She has pointed out to me that no matter what happened I should have given her time, space and support to allow her to make a considered decision ... and if I wanted her that badly, to give her a realistic alternative to the M (of course I felt that if she wanted me that badly she'd up and leave, but it's not always cut and dried) ... and maybe if you have longer term inclinations for your MW you will need to show her the same patience and respect too. If you're convinced that she's the love of your life, and she's planning to leave her H eventually, do you need to force her to act now? Set a deadline, sure, but what's going to change in the short term ... and would the love of HER life even contemplate blackmailing her into meeting his needs by telling her H? As GEL says, you need to work out if she is or can ever meet your needs, and if not, just walk away and be firm about it ... and if she misses you that badly and can't live without you, then it's meant to be. It's hardly likely that you are going to (nor should you) just fall into a new committed relationship instantly, especially when your heart and head is elsewhere ...
Chrome Barracuda Posted November 12, 2007 Posted November 12, 2007 I have just pushed my MW to make a choice (knowing she'd choose to stay in her M), and we are both regretting it for the moment ... she is very conflicted about her M now, and feels like she can't escape it ... She has pointed out to me that no matter what happened I should have given her time, space and support to allow her to make a considered decision ... and if I wanted her that badly, to give her a realistic alternative to the M (of course I felt that if she wanted me that badly she'd up and leave, but it's not always cut and dried) ... and maybe if you have longer term inclinations for your MW you will need to show her the same patience and respect too. If you're convinced that she's the love of your life, and she's planning to leave her H eventually, do you need to force her to act now? Set a deadline, sure, but what's going to change in the short term ... and would the love of HER life even contemplate blackmailing her into meeting his needs by telling her H? As GEL says, you need to work out if she is or can ever meet your needs, and if not, just walk away and be firm about it ... and if she misses you that badly and can't live without you, then it's meant to be. It's hardly likely that you are going to (nor should you) just fall into a new committed relationship instantly, especially when your heart and head is elsewhere ... What goes through your head???? I mean seriously. Do you think she would honestly leave her husband?? I mean this woman mentions how bad it is, but yet she stays? She's lieing to you because she doesnt want to leave her comfort zone. Also how could you trust her and how could she ever trust you? She's married to her husband correct? then she cheats with you? Then she would leave her husband to be with you, and then what if she's bored with that relationship, then what she cheats again under the guise of true love. You guys who mess with married woman on an emotional level put yourselves through all that hurt and pain for nothing! Leave married women alone, there are plenty of single women out there for you to be with. You can't date other people when your married. And if you did what was the point of being married? What was the point of making them vows and promises if you didnt mean it? You treated your marriage and family with such disreguard why should any woman honestly trust what you say if you cant control your emotions?
GreenEyedLady Posted November 12, 2007 Posted November 12, 2007 What goes through your head???? Whenever I see these types of posts, I always wonder, what is going through that person's head?! It's pretty obvious that he does believe she will leave and that's not impossible...People don't just "up" and leave in a day...It takes time! Further more, I don't see how beating someone up and saying bad things about the person they love is suddenly going to give them an epiphany! Life is just more complicated than "just go find a single person!" If it was that easy, there wouldn't be a need for this forum, would there?
Woggle Posted November 12, 2007 Posted November 12, 2007 With all the single women you go and pick a woman that is cheating on her husband and is feeding you some sob story when in reality her husband is probably a good man just trying to do right by his family. You are actually going to trust this woman to all off a sudden switch and be a faithful and loving woman to you? Guys like you deserve everything you get for being so stupid.
Ladyjane14 Posted November 12, 2007 Posted November 12, 2007 ...if I wanted her that badly, to give her a realistic alternative to the M... Not to get too far off topic, but really.. I think something like this can apply to the OP as well as yourself... but you do see the inherent flaw in a proposition like that, don't you? An extramarital relationship has NOT withstood the test of time, whereby the illicit properties are removed. It's basis in Infatuation has not been allowed to evolve. In any other budding relationship, mature love will either grow or wither naturally. To provide a "realistic alternative" assumes that you would commit yourself to the relationship both emotionally and financially BEFORE the relationship has been allowed to evolve in a natural way.
Chrome Barracuda Posted November 12, 2007 Posted November 12, 2007 Whenever I see these types of posts, I always wonder, what is going through that person's head?! It's pretty obvious that he does believe she will leave and that's not impossible...People don't just "up" and leave in a day...It takes time! Further more, I don't see how beating someone up and saying bad things about the person they love is suddenly going to give them an epiphany! Life is just more complicated than "just go find a single person!" If it was that easy, there wouldn't be a need for this forum, would there? Yeah but at the same time, He's a man and should be in control of his emotions more. He needs to step outside himself and look at this logically. She's lieing to her husband and logically what makes him think it would be any different when she's with him? I know life is complicated but you should always make it easier for yourself not harder.
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