amnesia Posted November 11, 2007 Posted November 11, 2007 Okay, I know what the problem is here, but I just need some support on coping with it. I'm married (27 years, two grown kids). I am in a community organization and have developed a crush on a single woman who is also in the group. This is the most intense crush I can ever remember having and I'm 50 years old. The whole thing is bizarre and illogical. She is 34, never married, no kids -- in a completely different place in life than me. She's not physically my type at all. I've talked to her a couple of times before meetings and I know the basics of her life situation but really don't know her well. I have no idea what food she likes or what music she listens to or if she has siblings or is a dog or cat person. And yet I cannot stop thinking about her! It feels like I've gone insane. I know, intellectually, that this is because of gaps and problem areas in my marriage and life that I need to work on. I also know that if I actually got to know this woman or if we did get physically or emotionally involved, the fantasy would evaporate. I know all this. My problem is that I just need some help with these powerful feelings that have taken over my brain. I know they will fade but right now it hurts. Anyone have any good coping mechanisms? Read a book, work out, eat ice cream, inhale nitrous oxide? Avoiding this woman is not an option for now, although I try to sit at the opposite side of the room during meetings. Anyone been through this and have suggestions?
Tony T Posted November 11, 2007 Posted November 11, 2007 I think inhaling nitrous oxide will definitely do the trick...at least temporarily.
Author amnesia Posted November 11, 2007 Author Posted November 11, 2007 I think inhaling nitrous oxide will definitely do the trick...at least temporarily. If only I knew where to get some. But just posting the message here makes me feel better.
OpenBook Posted November 11, 2007 Posted November 11, 2007 I can tell you my own experience, from the opposite side of the gender fence... I've been "crushing" on men my whole life, many of them who were completely inappropriate (similar to your situation - they were married, I was single, we worked together). Some I've gotten involved with, most I have not. The best outcomes were always when I just "rode out" the crush (kept it to myself) without actually doing anything about it. Allowed myself to obsess and pine, but did not allow it to interfere with my daily life and carrying on the things that were really important - taking good care of my family, enjoying my friends and hobbies. The feelings eventually faded into great long-lasting friendships that I still have with them today. In the end, only kindness matters. It was an act of kindness to not project my own fantasies onto others... even when there was interest coming from the other party. The times when I did get involved with them were completely selfish acts, and they backfired on me... not to mention kissing goodbye any possibility of a subsequent friendship with them. It's much better the other way. Hope this makes sense. You're human, and you're not dead yet, and you have a heart. Use it wisely!
Author amnesia Posted November 11, 2007 Author Posted November 11, 2007 In the end, only kindness matters. It was an act of kindness to not project my own fantasies onto others... even when there was interest coming from the other party. The times when I did get involved with them were completely selfish acts, and they backfired on me... not to mention kissing goodbye any possibility of a subsequent friendship with them. It's much better the other way. Excellent advice ... thank you! Yes, I do need to keep reminding myself how hugely selfish and disruptive it would be to act on this. Luckily for me in this case there is no apparent interest from the crushee except for some ordinary friendliness (which means it would be gigantically mortifying if I did try something!). Thanks again!
bestadvisor Posted November 11, 2007 Posted November 11, 2007 Excellent advice ... thank you! Yes, I do need to keep reminding myself how hugely selfish and disruptive it would be to act on this. Luckily for me in this case there is no apparent interest from the crushee except for some ordinary friendliness (which means it would be gigantically mortifying if I did try something!). Thanks again! You need to avoid her at all cost. I know you've mentioned that it's not possible. Unless she's your supervisor or the only co-worker you have on a major project, you can always avoid someone, even if you are at the same floor in the same company. STOP the friendship from going any further. Stop talking to her. Stop going anywhere near her. At this moment, you have not done anything wrong yet. It might be a good idea to share it with your wife. It may cause problem at home, but at least you're honest and face the problem head on. This might be able to help your wife improve whatever that's currently lacking in your marriage.
Ariadne Posted November 11, 2007 Posted November 11, 2007 Wow, This is the most intense crush I can ever remember having and I'm 50 years old. You are that age and married for 27 years and you still get one of those? This is cool people, we can love... forever. Just enjoy amnesia. This can be lots of fun and excitement. You can listen to love songs, fantasize, talk to her and get to know a little more about her. She probably won't like you anyway (married, older) so you are safe. Ariadne
Author amnesia Posted November 11, 2007 Author Posted November 11, 2007 She probably won't like you anyway (married, older) so you are safe. lol ... you've got that right!
Author amnesia Posted November 11, 2007 Author Posted November 11, 2007 You need to avoid her at all cost. I know you've mentioned that it's not possible. Unless she's your supervisor or the only co-worker you have on a major project, you can always avoid someone, even if you are at the same floor in the same company. STOP the friendship from going any further. Stop talking to her. Stop going anywhere near her. I am already avoiding her to the extent that I can. If I drop out of this organization just to stay away from her, then I will be letting down a lot of people who are depending on me. My responsibility to them outweighs my stupid schoolboy crush. Anyway, I am not a moron. I know it's dangerous to act on this and I have no intention of acting on it. Maybe when I was 25 I would have plunged into this heedlessly, but I'm 50 and I'm a little more mature now. But I sincerely appreciate your caring advice.
bestadvisor Posted November 11, 2007 Posted November 11, 2007 What's going on at home? Have you make the effort to reconnect with your wife? Taking a walk together, dinner and wine with candles for no reason, etc.?
Author amnesia Posted November 14, 2007 Author Posted November 14, 2007 What's going on at home? Have you make the effort to reconnect with your wife? Taking a walk together, dinner and wine with candles for no reason, etc.? Things are terrible at home because we have an adult son who is a heroin addict with a long criminal record and we disagree on how to handle that situation (she wants him to move back in and I don't).
michaelk Posted November 14, 2007 Posted November 14, 2007 Anyway, I am not a moron. I know it's dangerous to act on this and I have no intention of acting on it. Maybe when I was 25 I would have plunged into this heedlessly, but I'm 50 and I'm a little more mature now. But I sincerely appreciate your caring advice. Don't brush off bestadvisor's advice. Not only can you fall in love again in middle age, you can find yourself acting on in even when the rational part of your mind tell s you not to! This is especially true when you're extremely unsatisfied with your home life.
Ladyjane14 Posted November 14, 2007 Posted November 14, 2007 I happened on one of your posts in another thread, and you know... you seem like you've got a pretty good handle on things. Here are some thoughts from someone who's been there (and I realize some of this duplicates advice you've already gotten): 1. Get into counseling. Just talking to someone who listens nonjudgementally, and will keep things confidential, WILL help. 2. If possible, get your doctor to prescribe an antidepressant, like Prozac. 3. End your relationship with the OW. The relationship is clearly making you miserable, so you won't be any worse off. Yes, there will be some withdrawal but you'll get through it (the antidepressant will help with that; see #2). 4. Don't make any decisions about your marriage now; you're not thinking clearly. Wait a few months for the fog to lift, then decide. And for God's sake don't go back to the OW if your marriage ends; find someone new. 5. Get into some new activities to distract you (like taking up a hobby or joining a community service organization). 6. DON'T confide in your friends, no matter how trustworthy you think they are. Sooner or later they'll blab. Some of them probably suspect anyway; don't verify it. 7. Don't confess to your wife unless you're positive it will help. A counselor will help you make that decision. I realize a lot of people on this board are very rigid on this issue, but the "confess, you sinner" crowd won't be there to help you if things blow up in your face. I'm not sure how much I agree with #6 and #7. I think the ability to be honest, naked if you will, is integral to emotional intimacy, and I think a good support network is worth it's weight in gold. That said, these are your decisions and YOU are the one who has to live with the outcome. The thought I had when I read your initial post was... Where are the hidden stressers? Sometimes, when you have issues that seem insurmountable between you and your spouse, when you feel ineffectual within the relationship, it's almost like you need to create a problem that you CAN address. 'Falling out of love' with your mate and 'in love' with someone else presents you with a more immediate issue to deal with. It makes it possible to avoid the 'old conflict' because it no longer seems quite as important somehow in the face of this bigger, more exciting problem. Now, when you say something like this here in the quote box below, it's easy to see that there IS unresolved conflict. Things are terrible at home because we have an adult son who is a heroin addict with a long criminal record and we disagree on how to handle that situation (she wants him to move back in and I don't). Conflict avoidance and anxiety can lead you to a more fixated type of attraction. It's like killing two birds with one stone. It gives your mind a more immediate problem to dwell on, and takes your attention from the one that felt so vague and insurmountable. I'm thinking, if you hash out your differences within the primary relationship so that you BOTH can feel enthusiastic about the results... you're going to feel more empowered and less anxiously discontent. Emotional intimacy can be restored.... and this obsessive crush would probably dissipate on it's own.
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