Fun2BMe Posted November 10, 2007 Posted November 10, 2007 So now that I am getting over the therapist and am even mad at him, my feelings transported by to my ex. I emailed him yesterday that I had made a mistake and wanted to get back in contact with him. He was ecstatic to say the least. One of the comments he made in his email puzzles me though. He wrote: "I guess one of my attributes is that I've learned to accept and appreciate people as they are...rather than as I might like them to be.......:)" Is that trying to say if he had the power, he'd want to change me??? That wouldn't be good. Or does he think I want to change him? I ignored that comment when I responded and am thinking of asking him straight up what exactly does he mean, but do you have any thoughts? It kind of sounds bad in a way, like I'm now how he might like me to be? I am shocked he'd say something like that about me! Plus its a first he's used a smiley - is that to soften the blow? Or does his comment suggest that he thinks I've been trying to change him?
Rowen Posted November 10, 2007 Posted November 10, 2007 So now that I am getting over the therapist and am even mad at him, my feelings transported by to my ex. I emailed him yesterday that I had made a mistake and wanted to get back in contact with him. He was ecstatic to say the least. One of the comments he made in his email puzzles me though. He wrote: "I guess one of my attributes is that I've learned to accept and appreciate people as they are...rather than as I might like them to be.......:)" Is that trying to say if he had the power, he'd want to change me??? That wouldn't be good. Or does he think I want to change him? I ignored that comment when I responded and am thinking of asking him straight up what exactly does he mean, but do you have any thoughts? It kind of sounds bad in a way, like I'm now how he might like me to be? I am shocked he'd say something like that about me! Plus its a first he's used a smiley - is that to soften the blow? He could also be saying that his expectations in life are too high and unrealistic.
Author Fun2BMe Posted November 10, 2007 Author Posted November 10, 2007 He could also be saying that his expectations in life are too high and unrealistic. And so I don't live up to those high standards??????????????? Should I be offended? That seems like such a shallow thing to say. I mean he's lucky I even contacted him, but to make me feel like I'm not good enough?? What should I write back? I respoded a simple "ok, thanks" to his email which said stuff like he's glad to hear from me and would like to talk and so on. Then he sent another email I didn't respond to because I'm dwelling on this comment, then he sent another and it's been a day I haven't responded yet until I'm clear on how to deal with this comment.
Scorpio13c Posted November 11, 2007 Posted November 11, 2007 Did you break up with him? if so, i would take his comment meaning he accepted you the way you are, but that you didn't accept him for the way he was/is & is glad that you're now coming around. Scorp
MattyTee Posted November 11, 2007 Posted November 11, 2007 I think perhaps he's also realising that in most relationships there is a level of projection from each person onto their partner. It's not about standards and you shouldn't be offended, it's a great thing to realise if he has. It's certainly not shallow. People want to be loved for who they are, not for an image of someone. I hope that makes sense. I think everyone projects to some degree.
Rowen Posted November 11, 2007 Posted November 11, 2007 I think perhaps he's also realising that in most relationships there is a level of projection from each person onto their partner. It's not about standards and you shouldn't be offended, it's a great thing to realise if he has. It's certainly not shallow. People want to be loved for who they are, not for an image of someone. I hope that makes sense. I think everyone projects to some degree. That's essentially what I was getting at. I really hope my ex can look back at it like that as well. SHe would get offended so easily even with the smallest things sometimes. I hope she looks back and realizes... "yah know.. he was the best bf I had," which she always said. She is just overly sensative sometimes. She called in tears after she broke up withe me becuase i was the "only one that understood her" I was drunk and it ended with me getting angry with things she said and told her to grow up. At the time it was a devistating thing to say. But in the end.. it actually i a screwed up way, may help her..... and hopefully help her and I.. becuase I love her to death.
Author Fun2BMe Posted November 11, 2007 Author Posted November 11, 2007 That's essentially what I was getting at. I really hope my ex can look back at it like that as well. SHe would get offended so easily even with the smallest things sometimes. I hope she looks back and realizes... "yah know.. he was the best bf I had," which she always said. She is just overly sensative sometimes. She called in tears after she broke up withe me becuase i was the "only one that understood her" I was drunk and it ended with me getting angry with things she said and told her to grow up. At the time it was a devistating thing to say. But in the end.. it actually i a screwed up way, may help her..... and hopefully help her and I.. becuase I love her to death. Why did SHE call you in tears if she was the one who broke up with you? And wouldn't you be trying to get her back instead of saying grow up, knowing how sensitive she is? BUt the more I read his comment, the more upset it makes me. It is essentially saying that I''m not as he would like me to be, as if he were settling! I need to find out what about me it is he'd want to change. At first I thought maybe it meant I wanted to change him and have realized I can't but clearly he is saying it about me and that makes me upset.
sedgwick Posted November 11, 2007 Posted November 11, 2007 You're reading too much into it. I think he's just trying to say he accepts you as you are and hopes you feel the same way about him. Obviously he loves you and wants to be with you. In the words of our lord and savior Tim Gunn, carry on!
Rowen Posted November 11, 2007 Posted November 11, 2007 Why did SHE call you in tears if she was the one who broke up with you? And wouldn't you be trying to get her back instead of saying grow up, knowing how sensitive she is? BUt the more I read his comment, the more upset it makes me. It is essentially saying that I''m not as he would like me to be, as if he were settling! I need to find out what about me it is he'd want to change. At first I thought maybe it meant I wanted to change him and have realized I can't but clearly he is saying it about me and that makes me upset. Why> Becuase She said she misses me and that I understand her. Why would I tell her to grow up? Becuase I asked her if she still loved me and she got really defensive and sarcastic, so I just said "grow up" I was drunk too. That was in late september though. Thats done with and things are getting better. You have to realize I was devistated becuase she had invited me to her house, things went well, I thought I was getting back in, I asked if I could talk to her days later and she agreed then she said "we cant see or talk to each other" I was confused, angry and devisated. ONE HOUR before she called me I had marked my calendar and vowed NO CONTACT.. I drank alot and she called and it turned terrible. Two weeks later on canadian thanksgiving, she called .. MY CELL was not around, I texted her house later, she denied calling, then said it was an accident once I told her i saw the number .. lol. She's done probably 90 percent of the contacting since we broke up. I dont know if means anything, but I think she does miss me. We both need time to heal and mostly mature and grow if we are ever to get back together.
Rowen Posted November 11, 2007 Posted November 11, 2007 I agree with segwick.. I do think his comment wasn't meant to be mean or patronizing. I think he's realizing that his expectations are too high in general.. THATS NOT A KNOCK ON YOU.... some people just expect too much out of someone when in reality they aren't giving enough themselves. It's a reality check for him I feel.
Spinderella Posted November 11, 2007 Posted November 11, 2007 Why did SHE call you in tears if she was the one who broke up with you? And wouldn't you be trying to get her back instead of saying grow up, knowing how sensitive she is? BUt the more I read his comment, the more upset it makes me. It is essentially saying that I''m not as he would like me to be, as if he were settling! I need to find out what about me it is he'd want to change. At first I thought maybe it meant I wanted to change him and have realized I can't but clearly he is saying it about me and that makes me upset. Fun, If you are worried about the comment, ask him straight out in a calm and non accusatory way. No relationship you have is going to work out if you cannot communicate. Are you afraid to look vulnerable? It is okay to want to look after your heart, in fact it is a great sign of self respect. If you don't communicate these little things as and when they arise, then they build up into doubts, insecurites and resentments, and will errupt at a moment of weakness, when you least want them to anyway. Communicate.
thelegend Posted November 11, 2007 Posted November 11, 2007 I agree with what someone said earlier. You're reading too much into that. He's saying that the way he wants things to be might not be the best thing. And that he's learned to accept people for who they are instead of what he wants them to be. If we had people behave the way we wanted them to odds are we still wouldn't like them
Author Fun2BMe Posted November 12, 2007 Author Posted November 12, 2007 I agree with what someone said earlier. You're reading too much into that. He's saying that the way he wants things to be might not be the best thing. And that he's learned to accept people for who they are instead of what he wants them to be. If we had people behave the way we wanted them to odds are we still wouldn't like them I think I was reading too much into it. I finally saw him and asked about it, and he explained what exactly he meant, saying I'd be a lot happier if I learned to accept people for who they are instead of focusing on who they're not. But that's easier said than done. It's hard to find something we don't like about someone then not have the urge to change it, especially if it affects us directly.
sb129 Posted November 26, 2007 Posted November 26, 2007 I think I was reading too much into it. I finally saw him and asked about it, and he explained what exactly he meant, saying I'd be a lot happier if I learned to accept people for who they are instead of focusing on who they're not. . You would be alot happier if you accepted people for who they are. In fact, its funny because I posted this quote on another thread- I thought about having it as part of a reading at my wedding. " Love comes in two parts: giving and receiving. Love is seeing another person as they are (rather than as we want them to be). And it is allowing us to be seen as we truly are- all flaws and frailties forgiven." But that's easier said than done. It's hard to find something we don't like about someone then not have the urge to change it, especially if it affects us directly I can see what you mean, but its a recipe for disaster if you constantly try to change someone else. The only person you can change is YOU and your attitude towards things. You cannot change another persons behaviour, only they can do that.
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