heftysmurf Posted November 10, 2007 Posted November 10, 2007 Hi friends. I feel much better about things today. I spoke to a lawyer yesterday and he said a few things that stuck with me. "You look like you do not want to be here" "Life will go on after this as long as you and your spouse can agree on you daughter" "I hope I do not ever see you again but if you need me..." This made me think that it is OK if I leave and that is my choice. It will hurt but I will live. My daughter will live too. This morning we had the hardest talk that I ever had in my entire life. I focused on when she told me on d-day in a mean tone "Yeah I am f&(kin% other guys" The big thing she admitted to me she hated me for looking at other women. (I never did a thing, just looked). She still loved me at the same time. We have had many great memories together. She choose to do those things with me. I think a big difference in her affair and some others is she did not love the OM. She has very low self esteem and this was crushing her so she got me back by doing this. Even though it does not excuse it I understand. I do still love her and this will require both of us to change. We are going to separate for a few months because I need to figure out if I can risk myself in this again and she needs to understand the level at which she hurt me and do whatever she can to make this right.
Darth Vader Posted November 10, 2007 Posted November 10, 2007 Hi friends. I feel much better about things today. I spoke to a lawyer yesterday and he said a few things that stuck with me. "You look like you do not want to be here" "Life will go on after this as long as you and your spouse can agree on you daughter" "I hope I do not ever see you again but if you need me..." This made me think that it is OK if I leave and that is my choice. It will hurt but I will live. My daughter will live too. This morning we had the hardest talk that I ever had in my entire life. I focused on when she told me on d-day in a mean tone "Yeah I am f&(kin% other guys" The big thing she admitted to me she hated me for looking at other women. (I never did a thing, just looked). She still loved me at the same time. We have had many great memories together. She choose to do those things with me. I think a big difference in her affair and some others is she did not love the OM. She has very low self esteem and this was crushing her so she got me back by doing this. Even though it does not excuse it I understand. I do still love her and this will require both of us to change. We are going to separate for a few months because I need to figure out if I can risk myself in this again and she needs to understand the level at which she hurt me and do whatever she can to make this right. Anyone who does this to "get back at them" is someone you need to lose quickly! Get you ducks in a row, contact a lawyer and divorce this woman, she's no good. Then she blames you for her affair, please, that's what all cheaters do!
Author heftysmurf Posted November 10, 2007 Author Posted November 10, 2007 I am uncommitted at this point about the future. We are separating and a divorce may be next. Their is no justification for what she did. I loved her for most of my life. It took 3 hours of conversation to get that out. She is real messed up. The thing for me is I know it did not involve love. Despite the fact she hurt me so badly that I feel like I died. However until I found out I was really in love with her. If you love somebody they deserve a chance especially when kids are involved if you really think the person fessed up. I do not know if in my heart I can find forgiveness but I will try. It was mean and wrong and now that the truth is out she is already acting differently. Their was a release when we spoke. I know a burden was lifted from her. It is the true reason she did what she did. It was the turning of a page. She has been attentive and dolting over me and she appears sincere. She is a "desperate housewife" type. This is a bitch because it makes the other person admit they have a flaw. I do have flaws and will try to alleviate them for this or another relationship. If I do not I will be in a life of hell forever.
Ladyjane14 Posted November 10, 2007 Posted November 10, 2007 I'm glad to hear you're feeling better today. Of course, there will be ups and downs. They don't call it a "roller-coaster ride for nothing, you know. Just remember that ALL this will eventually resolve itself. It's a temporary situation, and whether you recover the marriage or move on to something else... "this too shall pass". Grief is a process, and dealing with infidelity is, in truth, dealing with a loss. Things can never be EXACTLY the way they were before. But either way it goes, life goes on. Your life can still be whatever you decide to make of it. Hang in there.
Ladyjane14 Posted November 10, 2007 Posted November 10, 2007 ...now that the truth is out she is already acting differently. Their was a release when we spoke. I know a burden was lifted from her. It is the true reason she did what she did. It was the turning of a page. She has been attentive and dolting over me and she appears sincere. There's a bit of an adrenaline response once the affair has been discovered. It introduces ALOT of drama all at once into the primary relationship. Be wary. You might want to stick with your decision to give it a little time before you make a commitment. Observe her behavior, get some counseling together, see if you can get down to the root causes. There's no quick fix here anyway. The average healing time for a couple who's recovering from infidelity is TWO YEARS. So don't rush. It it's the real deal, it's worth working through at whatever pace gets the job done. So yeah, like I said earlier, it's a temporary situation, but still... it's a process and there's no skimping.
Cobra_X30 Posted November 10, 2007 Posted November 10, 2007 She is real messed up. The thing for me is I know it did not involve love. Despite the fact she hurt me so badly that I feel like I died. I know a burden was lifted from her. It is the true reason she did what she did. It was the turning of a page. She has been attentive and dolting over me and she appears sincere. She is a "desperate housewife" type. This is a bitch because it makes the other person admit they have a flaw. I do have flaws and will try to alleviate them for this or another relationship. If I do not I will be in a life of hell forever. Hefty... here is the catch. Yes, she probably didnt love the OM. However, she doesnt love you either! If she loved you... this would not have happened! She would have put you first and not harmed you in this way. She is acting all sorry and attentive now, but nothing has changed. She still doesnt love you. You cant make her love you! Even the force of your own love is not strong enough. If you re-enter marriage with this woman, do it knowing that she may never love you... and you have to be Ok with that! You cant walk in expecting her to change. Also, get her into some individual therapy.
RecordProducer Posted November 10, 2007 Posted November 10, 2007 the big thing she admitted to me she hated me for looking at other women. (I never did a thing, just looked). Looking at other women hurts like not too many things. Been there. I would do the same thing that your wife did - that painful it is!
Cobra_X30 Posted November 11, 2007 Posted November 11, 2007 Looking at other women hurts like not too many things. Been there. I would do the same thing that your wife did - that painful it is! Sarcasm? or Stupidity?
reboot Posted November 11, 2007 Posted November 11, 2007 Looking at other women hurts like not too many things. Been there. I would do the same thing that your wife did - that painful it is!You would cheat on me just because I looked at another woman? That's harsh.
RecordProducer Posted November 11, 2007 Posted November 11, 2007 Sarcasm? or Stupidity?Since I wasn't being sarcastic - I guess I was stupid (according to A cobra).
RecordProducer Posted November 11, 2007 Posted November 11, 2007 You would cheat on me just because I looked at another woman? That's harsh. Why did you continuously look at them after you knew your wife hated it? You knew you were casing her pain. It's not the "looking" she was mad about. It's the fact that you hurt her without giving a rat's ass about how she felt. Just being honest with you. I am not mad at you.
Cobra_X30 Posted November 11, 2007 Posted November 11, 2007 Why did you continuously look at them after you knew your wife hated it? You knew you were casing her pain. It's not the "looking" she was mad about. It's the fact that you hurt her without giving a rat's ass about how she felt. Just being honest with you. I am not mad at you. Your punishment doesnt fit the crime! If your angry with his looking, either do some looking yourself, or leave. You cant reasonably justify cheating in this circumstance. I truly hope your not the kind of person who would do this. It would prove only that your somehow fundamentally broken inside!
reboot Posted November 11, 2007 Posted November 11, 2007 Why did you continuously look at them after you knew your wife hated it? You knew you were casing her pain. It's not the "looking" she was mad about. It's the fact that you hurt her without giving a rat's ass about how she felt. Just being honest with you. I am not mad at you. I think we have a little miscommunication going on here. I don't make a habit of looking at other women in the presence of my wife, and she's never gotten mad at me if I messed up and did look. I was just being hypothetical.
RecordProducer Posted November 11, 2007 Posted November 11, 2007 I think we have a little miscommunication going on here. I don't make a habit of looking at other women in the presence of my wife, and she's never gotten mad at me if I messed up and did look. I was just being hypothetical. I was referring to the original poster and I thought you were HIM. No, I wouldn't cheat on YOU. Cuz you're wonderful!
norajane Posted November 11, 2007 Posted November 11, 2007 I am uncommitted at this point about the future. We are separating and a divorce may be next. Their is no justification for what she did. I loved her for most of my life. It took 3 hours of conversation to get that out. She is real messed up. The thing for me is I know it did not involve love. Despite the fact she hurt me so badly that I feel like I died. However until I found out I was really in love with her. If you love somebody they deserve a chance especially when kids are involved if you really think the person fessed up. I do not know if in my heart I can find forgiveness but I will try. It was mean and wrong and now that the truth is out she is already acting differently. Their was a release when we spoke. I know a burden was lifted from her. It is the true reason she did what she did. It was the turning of a page. She has been attentive and dolting over me and she appears sincere. She is a "desperate housewife" type. This is a bitch because it makes the other person admit they have a flaw. I do have flaws and will try to alleviate them for this or another relationship. If I do not I will be in a life of hell forever. Burden was lifted from her? She put that burden on herself for 5 years and she didn't seem to feel the burden, did she? She was just fine screwing your best friend and pretending to be your committed wife. She got caught. And now she's all attentive and doting because she doesn't want to lose her married lifestyle. But people don't change overnight. She is a woman who was capable of lying to your face for 5 years, lying to her friend while she was screwing her husband for 5 years...she hasn't suddenly become an honest, honorable person with integrity and genuine sincerity. She is still this woman: I focused on when she told me on d-day in a mean tone "Yeah I am f&(kin% other guys" and until she spends a LOT of time in therapy, and you have had some serious TIME to see who she really is, I wouldn't suggest buying into what you WANT to believe about her.
totalbtch Posted November 11, 2007 Posted November 11, 2007 Looking hurts. I don’t know how many women feel this way, but I know many who do. Some on this forum. It’s not as simple and crime and punishment – it makes you feel inferior. It makes you feel he wants them and is interested in them, not you. It makes you question your qualities. It makes you look in the mirror and check what is wrong with you. It makes you try to look your best for your H and miserably fail because he chooses to check out other women instead. It makes you try the best you can. It makes you try to improve, to be beautiful and sexy and please him. It makes you try and try and, in the end, when he still shows so great interest in other women , hen it makes you seek validation from other men. It is not tit for tat, it is a process and a very unpleasant one. Life is not that simple – I look, so you are allowed to look and nothing more. Looking does nothing for me. If you have your pleasure from looking, let me do something I can derive some pleasure from. It does not necessarily have to be the same thing. That would be like: I like shopping, so you are allowed to shop, but not to go to the football game. Doesn’t make sense to allow someone to do something they don’t enjoy. Anyway, this is not an excuse, but I can understand completely. No wonder, I did exactly the same thing for exactly the same reasons.
Cobra_X30 Posted November 11, 2007 Posted November 11, 2007 Looking hurts. It is not tit for tat, it is a process and a very unpleasant one. Life is not that simple – I look, so you are allowed to look and nothing more. Looking does nothing for me. If you have your pleasure from looking, let me do something I can derive some pleasure from. It does not necessarily have to be the same thing. That would be like: I like shopping, so you are allowed to shop, but not to go to the football game. Doesn’t make sense to allow someone to do something they don’t enjoy. Anyway, this is not an excuse, but I can understand completely. No wonder, I did exactly the same thing for exactly the same reasons. Men derive just as much pleasure from touch as women do! Do not try to argue otherwise. When men leer at women it is disrespectful, not only to the woman he is leering at, but also to any woman he may be with. However, you cannot argue that this is tantmount to cheating! If you are this insecure... perhaps there is a reason. Maybe the inside is so twisted and ugly that it becomes a visual manifestation in your minds eye. I think it best to marry men who are blind. Thus it is much harder to assume thier thoughts when other women are nearby. Also it will make it more difficult for them to catch you cheating!
totalbtch Posted November 11, 2007 Posted November 11, 2007 Maybe the inside is so twisted and ugly that it becomes a visual manifestation in your minds eye. As a woman, I don’t have an exact equivalent to the pleasure that men derive from looking. That’s how it is – nothing you (or I) can change about it. I am not saying that my way of dealing with it was healthy – I was just trying to help OP to understand his wife. Flaming, blaming and talking about ugly insides doesn’t help anyone. I suppose you’ve never done anything wrong. Anyway, all the best to you. OP, you deserve to know the other side of the story. What you decide to do at the end is totally up to you, and I would never try to influence your decision. You are the only one who knows the situation. You are the only one who will be affected by your decision. But I definitely want you to hear what someone, very similar to your wife, thinks. If my response is not helpful, or you don’t want to hear it – just ignore it. I think it best to marry men who are blind. Thus it is much harder to assume thier thoughts when other women are nearby. Also it will make it more difficult for them to catch you cheating! Please try to remember that by saying this you also assault the blind men, not only me.
Author heftysmurf Posted November 11, 2007 Author Posted November 11, 2007 Our wedding video last night and we both lost it. It is so hard. In a week how are you suppose to hate someone? I know I had some problems. Is it worth taking my personal growth in this matter and investing it in her for the beyond wrong thing she did to me?
Mr. Lucky Posted November 11, 2007 Posted November 11, 2007 As a woman, I don’t have an exact equivalent to the pleasure that men derive from looking. That’s how it is – nothing you (or I) can change about it. I am not saying that my way of dealing with it was healthy – I was just trying to help OP to understand his wife. Sounds like marital road rage to me. You know, you cut me off so I shot you. Why? Because I didn't get equivalent satisfaction from anything else ! It's not just that cheating on your spouse is the wrong reaction to his wandering eye. It's that it's the wrong reaction to anything he does. And any attempt at after-the-fact justification or explanation just reinforces your screen name... Mr. Lucky
Mr. Lucky Posted November 11, 2007 Posted November 11, 2007 Our wedding video last night and we both lost it. It is so hard. In a week how are you suppose to hate someone? I know I had some problems. Is it worth taking my personal growth in this matter and investing it in her for the beyond wrong thing she did to me? Ah, the old wedding video trick. I think it's number #7 on the list of "Desperate Moves by the WS After They've Been Caught". Sounds like a blatantly manipulative attempt to get you to focus on the past and forget about the present circumstances... Mr. Lucky
Ladyjane14 Posted November 11, 2007 Posted November 11, 2007 What were the circumstances which led to the two of you watching your wedding video together? :confused: Listen man, you don't have to be apologetic for wanting to work things out. Marriages can (and often do) recover from infidelity. All I'm saying is that you should give this thing enough time so that you REALLY know what it is that you want for yourself. In that way, you don't set yourself up for a false recovery where you're not strong enough to set boundaries and goals, or to feel trapped later on by having made this decision out of reflex. Just breathe. That's plenty on your 'to do' list for today.
LifesontheUp Posted November 11, 2007 Posted November 11, 2007 Our wedding video last night and we both lost it. It is so hard. In a week how are you suppose to hate someone? I know I had some problems. Is it worth taking my personal growth in this matter and investing it in her for the beyond wrong thing she did to me? It took me six monthsto come to the decision of what I REALLY wanted to do about my marriage. Up until then I was in counselling and trying to reconcile. Please don't rush into making a decision or as LJ said you may be sorry, its very early days for you. Take your time.
Bryanp Posted November 11, 2007 Posted November 11, 2007 Let me see if I have this right. Because you looked at other women from time to time she decided to have sex with your best friend for 5 out of the 6 years you have been married and put your health at risk for STD's. You watched your wedding video and you both lost it? I could see you losing it but her? For 5 years she has been cheating on you and betraying you in the worst possible way and made a complete mockery of your marriage. I am sorry my friend but you would almost have to be masochistic to stay in this marriage unless you enjoy massive humiliation, betrayal and disrespect in your life.
norajane Posted November 11, 2007 Posted November 11, 2007 Our wedding video last night and we both lost it. It is so hard. In a week how are you suppose to hate someone? I know I had some problems. Is it worth taking my personal growth in this matter and investing it in her for the beyond wrong thing she did to me? It's common that your first instinct is to try to rush past the lies, the deception, the cheating in order to make a 'happy home' for your daughter, in order to not have to face the hard things, the hard decisions...to try to 'normalize' your life. You want to believe, you want to fix it, you want to get back your illusion of everything being great - as you thought it was two weeks ago. But it is not YOUR personal growth and investment in her that will make anything better here. Your WIFE needs to grow and invest. She's been acting on the delusion that having an affair with your best friend for years is the RIGHT solution to whatever HER issues are in this marriage. HER mindset and her way of dealing with marriage and commitment is what needs to change. And you don't know if she can change. Not yet.
Recommended Posts