I really want to break NC

[serendip]

...but I know it is wrong. We've said everything we had to say to one another but yet I still want to.

 

I thought we had closure but on halloween the ex text me out of the blue for no reason at all...

 

"I found the distance too hard. sorry it was hard to not want to see other guys especially since we didn't know the future. thanks for the good times together."

I was kind of upset at her for trying to make excuses for cheating so I text her back

 

"I thought we had a future in that we considered having kids together. I can understand the distance but you cheated before the distance. It was unfair of you. I did nothing to deserve that but I wish you well"

 

I thought that was the end of it but then 6 days later she texts

 

"Please stop making me feel guilty when I apologize. Just forget about it. I don't want to hear from yu anymore if it is just going to be negative"

It's been a week since her text and I haven't replied but for some reason today I feel like emailing her this...

 

I was fine with everything (forgiving and moving on). I'm not sure why you text me on Halloween and brought up the past...but your apology came across as a justification for cheating. I might have misunderstood it...but no amount of distance justifies cheating. Sorry if my reply came across as harsh but it was the truth.

 

All the time we were together(long distance wise)...you never once mentioned that you were having a hard time with the distance. Your actions and words indicated the opposite. I can understand the distance was tough but nothing worth having comes easy.

 

What I originally wanted was to get rid of the negativity. The only way to get rid of the negativity is through understanding and that only comes with proper communication. You always told me as a naturopath...you need to treat/remove the cause (tollum causum) rather then the symptoms of the illness. I think what you did and what I did were symptoms. I wanted to figure out the underlying cause...but what's done is done...I don't want to argue or bring up stuff if it's going to upset both of us.

 

Have a nice weekend and take care of yourself.

 

I know it's not going to change anything and there's no magical words she can say that will heal me from the loss I feel

 

but for some reason I feel like responding

[wowIlose]

If it gives you closure go for it.

 

Personally I wouldn't and as hard is it may be I would stick with NC.

 

Your call in the end.

[Phateless]

I would shorten all that to "Apologize without making excuses and I won't make you feel guilty."

 

I feel the same as you lately bro. I've been single for a year and lately I really want to contact her again. I never said all the things I wanted to say, post-breakup tho. Maybe that's why I want to call her?

[serendip]

Yeah I know there is no point

 

But obviously she is feeling guilty and thus her version of an apology

 

I think she wants me to take away her guilt

 

I just don't understand why she text me out of the blue when 2 weeks before the text she emailed me and said "it's best to forgive each other and move on with our lives"

 

The only thing I can think of...is the guy she cheated on me with has left her town for the winter

[Phateless]

It's hard not to wonder about this stuff, but you kind of just have to accept that you'll never know. Of course she's feeling guilty, she knows she screwed up! You should enjoy that.

[serendip]

I don't really get a kick out of her feeling guilty...it doesn't make the loss I feel any better

 

I already did the revenge(screwing with her mind) thing when I first found out she cheated. It didn't make me feel better...it actually made me feel worse b/c I ended up lowereing myself to her level.

[Phateless]

I don't really get a kick out of her feeling guilty...it doesn't make the loss I feel any better

 

I already did the revenge(screwing with her mind) thing when I first found out she cheated. It didn't make me feel better...it actually made me feel worse b/c I ended up lowereing myself to her level.

 

Ahh, I take it this was fairly recent. Give it time, you'll feel better about the whole thing and stop missing her/the relationship. I was with my ex for 5 years, moved to another town for her, we lived together for a while, we did long distance for a year (in the beginning before I moved) so I know what you're going through. She even left me for another guy.

[serendip]

We broke up 5 months ago....

[Phateless]

We broke up 5 months ago....

 

You're right on schedule. You need to stick to your guns on NC for a while. It took me most of the year to get to where I am now. Find a positive routine for yourself involving lots of socializing WITH NEW PEOPLE that eats up almost all of your time and just hammer at it until you feel better.

 

Just hang in there. Based on what I went through, you're right on schedule.

[serendip]

I'll give myself another week....if I still feel like sending that email by next friday

 

then I'll do it

[alwayshurt]

I'll give myself another week....if I still feel like sending that email by next friday

 

then I'll do it

 

DON'T!! It will only prolong your pain. She is feeling guilty and trying to get a closure on you so she can move on with her life.

If you keep on contacting her, you will accomplish two things:

 

1) will push her further away

2) will shift the sense of guiltiness on you and free her of hers, so she has one less headache.

 

Just let go of her. Eventually, once it is over in your head, you will be glad you did not send her any of those lines. Trust me (been there, done that)

 

Cheers.

[serendip]

Well forget about contacting the ex now after last night....one of my friends borrowed my cell to make a call. She must have pressed the number 7 too long b/c I found out afterwards she dialed my ex's number.

 

Apparently my friend said there was a woman on the other end that said 'hello' a couple of times and my friend just hung up. I can't really blame my friend...it was just a mistake on her part...but I thought I deleted the ex's number from speed dial. Oh well. So I made sure I delete the ex's number for sure so this doesn't happen again.

 

The only saving grace is that my cell was set to private at the time meaning my number won't show up. But my ex will think it's me anyways....nothing I can do about it now.

[serendip]

Well I didn't want to write a long email...instead I texted her

 

Last night my friend and I were having a drink at a bar....and he made a great point. He said, "this might be the last time you ever contact her...so do you want to make it negative...just think about all those great times you guys had and forget about the cheating and other BS. Just let it go...and be the bigger person. We gonna sit here and drink until you can come up with something positive to say to her..." 2 hours and 8 drinks later I came up with this...

 

I know your text was meant to be an apology but it came across as a justification for your actions. it doesn't matter anymore. i am happy with the knowledge that you once truly loved me. it washes away the negativity and the memory of your person will linger. thank you

 

After I text her this...it felt so much better...like some big weight was lifted...I slept like a little baby...or did I pass out

 

Anyway I feel good...I set up dates for weekend

[bigheartkindsoul]

answer: no you don't, honestly it probably just isn't worth it and will cause you more pain in the end, if its meant to be they will return if not by that time you won't care so much anyway. Trust Debz on this. Be strong it will serve you well in the future.

 

I see you did, I hope you do feel better and that worked for you, try now to leave it at that. I know I have wanted to send allsorts of stuff to my ex telling him what a total selfish tosser he was/is for how, when he left me and dumping me by text on my hospital bed really was bang out of order and shows what a weak pathetic man he is, but i come on here and post it instead.

 

Good luck

[Phateless]

Well I didn't want to write a long email...instead I texted her

 

Last night my friend and I were having a drink at a bar....and he made a great point. He said, "this might be the last time you ever contact her...so do you want to make it negative...just think about all those great times you guys had and forget about the cheating and other BS. Just let it go...and be the bigger person. We gonna sit here and drink until you can come up with something positive to say to her..." 2 hours and 8 drinks later I came up with this...

 

I know your text was meant to be an apology but it came across as a justification for your actions. it doesn't matter anymore. i am happy with the knowledge that you once truly loved me. it washes away the negativity and the memory of your person will linger. thank you

 

After I text her this...it felt so much better...like some big weight was lifted...I slept like a little baby...or did I pass out

 

Anyway I feel good...I set up dates for weekend

 

Good job bro. Keep us posted on what happens, I really wish I had said something like that to my ex.

[Trialbyfire]

For all you people who have lingering cheating exes, here's a comment that will guaranteed make them go away, if they're female:

 

"Stay away from me. I'm not the one caught with my pants around my ankles, cellulite flapping in the breeze."

[serendip]

"Stay away from me. I'm not the one caught with my pants around my ankles, cellulite flapping in the breeze."

 

lol...nice

 

can't really say that to the ex....she was 5'11" triathlete who was in great shape....and being a naturpath...she made sure she ate healthy

[Trialbyfire]

lol...nice

 

can't really say that to the ex....she was 5'11" triathlete who was in great shape....and being a naturpath...she made sure she ate healthy

I doubt she can see her own behind...

[serendip]

Why is it that one day...I am happy with just letting things go and texting her a nice reply....then I read about cheating in the break up forum....and I get mad again. I thought I was over it. I hope she doesn't reply to my text or contact me again b/c I will be upset and probably say something emotionally charged. Then I'll come across as more of a flake...my themes thus far that I've communicated to her...we should move on...followed by...we should talk about our negativity....follow by...you are a good person...follow by...you cheated on me and I didn't deserve that...and finally follow by...the love you once gave to me will wash away the negativity. No more yo yo -ing which will entail no more contact til I am fully healed.

 

Uggg it annoys me that I haven't gotten over the cheating and my anger with it. It's never happened to me before.

[Trialbyfire]

Cheating is a strange beast. It creates an emotional rollercoaster because it erodes on your self-esteem. How could I ever have misjudged you and why did you do this to me, if you really loved me? You fluctuate between desperately wanting to let go and desperately wanting to kill them.

 

I encourage you to get some therapy. It helped me get over the anger so I could let go completely.

[serial muse]

I know the rollercoaster of emotional fallout is tough to deal with serendip - but for what it's worth, when I read what you wrote to your ex, I thought it was really dignified and graceful. If she doesn't read it that way right now, it's because she does indeed feel guilty and that's coloring her reaction.

 

But rest assured that you have nothing to be ashamed of in your words to her, and in time you'll be proud of yourself (and relieved!) that you acted with such restraint. You don't sound like a yo-yo - you sound like someone who's been badly hurt, and is trying to move on with dignity. There's nothing to be ashamed of in that - not at all. The impression you've left behind you is a positive one - so now, go ahead and close the door, as you've said all there is to be said, and try to focus on the future.

 

Therapy does help, BTW. Speaking from experience, as TBF is.

[Phateless]

If it makes you feel any better, every day I think about calling my ex just to say hi, but I hold out because I know it's a bad idea. I don't know why the urge has got so strong lately. It's irritating me.

[Grace112]

serendip, I struggled all last week with wanting to break NC. I was crying when I woke up, holding back the tears at work, and then crying again when I got home. I finally sent a simple text message last Thursday stating - "I really miss you and would love to see you again if you are willing."

 

It bounced back...luckily.

 

I heard from a friend of his that he'd been making jokes that he had to change his phone number b/c I was trying to break into his voicemail. Not only untrue, but oh so hurtful. Here I was bawling all week b/c I missed him and here he was will trying to make everyone think I am crazy.

 

As much as you think he/she might want to hear from you - he/she is still the person that broke your heart.

[Phateless]

As much as you think he/she might want to hear from you - he/she is still the person that broke your heart.

 

Wow... now that's good advice. I'm going to remember that...