31swf Posted May 19, 2003 Posted May 19, 2003 Is it possible to have a casual exclusive relationship?? The guy I've been seeing doesn't want a serious committed relationship right now (because he wants to focus on getting in shape and working on his house). But he wants to date me, and not see anyone else, and he doesn't want me to see anyone else. We both see potential in eachother as long term, but he's not ready for that yet. He knows he's being selfish right now and just focusing on himself and he feels bad about it, because he knows I want more from him. So it's up to me. Do I compromise and continue to see him and see what happens? Just "go with the flow" as he puts it. Or do I get out while I can and find someone who is ready for a real relationship? he really seems to like me, and enjoys spending time with me, and commented on how we were so similiar and we get along, and tells me how cool and funny I am, and even offered to pick up my cat from the vets!! what gives?? He keeps saying he doesn't know what he wants, but I'm worried that he just doesn't want me. He said he wished he was "on the same page as I was". so do I give him time to catch up to me? or is he just leading me on and he'll never want to commit to me? BTW, I'm not pressuring him for anything, he's just letting me know how he feels, so he doesn't lead me on.
Just A Girl2 Posted May 19, 2003 Posted May 19, 2003 Hmmm... The guy I've been seeing doesn't want a serious committed relationship right now (because he wants to focus on getting in shape and working on his house). But he wants to date me, and not see anyone else, and he doesn't want me to see anyone else. We both see potential in eachother as long term, but he's not ready for that yet. He knows he's being selfish right now and just focusing on himself and he feels bad about it, because he knows I want more from him. So it's up to me. This is bizarre. This boob has the audacity to make it clear he doesn't want a serious, committed relationship but asks that you not see anyone else. Talk about balls. He "knows" he's being selfish for just focusing on himself. Well, at least he's honest about it, I guess. It all sounds messed up to me. He wants to date you, doesn't want to see anyone else, doesn't want YOU to see anyone else (isn't that what a committed relationship pretty much IS?)....because he's too busy trying to get in shape and work on his house. Sheesh. What do trying to get into shape and working on one's home have to do with getting into a relationship? It *is* possible to do all of these. Either he's really just a chickensh*t and is afraid of falling too fast/too hard... Or he's interested in you but not wanting to put all his eggs in one basket, in case someone "better" (to him) comes along. What age is this guy? You? Has he been in any serious relationships in the past? And lastly, does he smoke crack?
Tony T Posted May 19, 2003 Posted May 19, 2003 JAG2 WRITES: "And lastly, does he smoke crack?" I was wondering that myself. But I have deduced it's probably a combination of crack, pot, alcohol, LSD, inhaling glue and sniffing gas fumes. That's about the only combination I can figure could cause behavior this bizarre. I think the poster ought to leave him to his devises and find someone who's a bit more real about life.
steffany Posted May 19, 2003 Posted May 19, 2003 I say get the heck outta there! My bf tried to say the same thing. Except instead of working out and working on his house it was making more money and getting his business back up. (he lost his business) Girl I told that fool no way jose! I let him know that if what he said could possibly make sence I might listen and work with him. But to not see any one but each other and not commit? Well that is just ludicrise! I told him I wanted to stop seeing him because I wanted someone who was mature enough to handle what life throughs at him and still love or care for others at the same time. And low and behold just like I guessed no longer than 4 hours later he was at my door ready to commit. Don't put up with half a man when you need a whole one. What a jerk!
jessicakicksbut Posted May 20, 2003 Posted May 20, 2003 The guy I've been seeing doesn't want a serious committed relationship right now (because he wants to focus on getting in shape and working on his house). That is such a line of B.S., I'm sorry. Getting in shape takes only 1/2 to an hour a day, and well the house thing, he's not going to do that 24-7! Besides, there will be times when his partner would be busy and he can work on the house, or maybe he can even recruit his partner to help him with the house. I found having a committed partner actually helps one to keep in shape by doing outdoor activities together, while providing quality time with one another. Take the first warm day of spring for instance, in my neighborhood all types of couples (married, seniors, young teens in love) come out of the woodwork and start walking together. According to the guy you are dating though, one should not do that in a committed relationship, right??? I actually went as far as joining a gym with one of my ex-boyfriends, and spent time with him at the gym, or at least accompanied him to the gym while we did our own thing (ex. strength training, aerobics) once we got there. I'd stop dating him if I were you, or give him an ultimatum. He's stringing you along, and it is not fair to you!
avrom87 Posted May 20, 2003 Posted May 20, 2003 To me it sounds like this guy doen't know what he wants. Like said before, It is possible for him to get in shape, work on his house and love you all at once. I think that he might have commitment problems... My advise is tell him that you want him to choose either to commit to this relationship more than he is, or to find someone else...
mimi Posted May 25, 2003 Posted May 25, 2003 Yeah, I've been in this situation before. He wants the best of both worlds. Being single so he can be free to meet other women and not have to have an emotional attachment to anyone, so he wont have to feel guilty. He told you that you weren't on the same page? Well, that be an sign, right there should would you want someone who "wasn't on the same page" as you anyways? Probably not. Of course he doesn't want your eye to wander, so he wants you to stay intimitley exclusive to him, but men usually tend to do what they want anyhow. I say give him an ultimatum, tell him what you need out of the relationship, and if he doesn't budge, then it probably wasn't meant to be anyways, no big loss, it just proves you didn't have his heart in the first place. The "getting in shape and house work" is just a line of BS, he's making excuses, and they aren't very good ones. I would be insulted if a guy refused to commit because he wanted to paint his freaking house. You should be insulted, and find someone that is on the same page. Let this out-of-shape guy come to you, and pursue you. Stop pursuing him and see if he misses what he had with you. In the mean time, go man-hunting!
Madeline Posted May 25, 2003 Posted May 25, 2003 I agree with everyone here. My 'ex' used to be very indecisive and uncommital. He would regularly 'keep his options open' about all sorts of things. He did 'commit' to me, and we were together for 10 years and married for 5. Though, he felt totally fine about shacking up with the next door neighbor despite the fact that we were married. So--you see, even if a person like this 'makes the commitment' they never really do in their hearts. If you keep your options open long enough, at some point there becomes only one path available to you---but you never 'actively' choose it, so you never really buy in, and you always have an 'OUT' because it wasn't really your idea. Personally--I think this behavior comes from a combination of fear and mental laziness. It's too scary to reflect and make actual decisions--because they require compromising and limiting future options, and accepting the implications of that. And mental laziness because if you always have your options open, you're not working hard enough to ever acheive clarity on your true feelings. I am relieved to no longer be associated with that way of making decisions--and my life is going a lot smoother not having to make joint decisions that way. I am the opposite, decisive, committed and I have stick-to-it-ive-ness. So it was really frustrating to be with Mr. Let's Just Wait and See about everything. F*** THAT! Get the heck out before your heart is invested.
R2litefan Posted May 29, 2003 Posted May 29, 2003 I was just in this situation darlin', get out of it now before he leads you on for too long and only ends up breaking your heart, and then you will always wonder why you weren't good enough for him to make a committment to. If you two are meant to be together, then after he's done "getting in shape" and "fixing his house", he'll get a hold of you, but in the mean time, don't sit around and wait for him to call, go out and enjoy your life. Life is too short to be sitting around waiting for someone to decide what they want. Maybe if he sees that you are not going to just sit around and wait, he'll come to his senses and not want to take the chance of losing you totally to someone else and he will make the committment that you desire. Good Luck, because I know it hurts to stay and wait, and it hurts to move on too.
ShortyBrown Posted June 2, 2003 Posted June 2, 2003 That they can't have their cake and eat it too??? Don't give him an ultimatium at all, simply tell him you've been thinking it over, and though you care for him, you are going to go and live your life like you deserve to while he catches up. You'll soon see where he's really at with you mentally.
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