BrooklyntoHK Posted November 10, 2007 Posted November 10, 2007 We've been together for about 5 months. I love him and we're developing a very mature relationship, however we spend almost all of our time together. Don't get me wrong, I love it and want to spend nearly every day with him. He has agreed that I need and deserve free time, but is adamant about not wanting to spend the night apart. Example: I'll go to work, go home alone, and he'll come over just to sleep. I don't know how to approach this because when i do it becomes an argument about me not wanting to be with him every night like he does me, which questions my love for him...which is not the case...what should i do?
JosieMcCoy Posted November 10, 2007 Posted November 10, 2007 Can't you just explain it to him the way you explained it here?
Author BrooklyntoHK Posted November 10, 2007 Author Posted November 10, 2007 I have told him that exactly ands he wants to know why i would need a night to sleep alone. He says it has to be either I don't want to be with him or for some depression reason where i want to be away from everyone...i dont think its any of those and he's taking it too personal. i dont even know a solid reason for wanting to sleep apart other than the idea of having some free space, a concept he doesn't get (when it comes to sleeping together)...
jcster Posted November 10, 2007 Posted November 10, 2007 I don't know how to approach this because when i do it becomes an argument about me not wanting to be with him every night like he does me, which questions my love for him...which is not the case...what should i do? My ex-husband was the same way. I tried to sleep on the couch a few times due to his snoring, and he didn't take it very well. This seems to be an issue for some guys - they need constant reassurance that you love them, and sleeping together is one of those reassuring things. I'm afraid you're going to have to put your foot down. If he gets angry, calmly explain it to him again and then go home. Sometimes adults can be amazingly like 2 year olds and you have to treat them in much the same way.
melodymatters Posted November 10, 2007 Posted November 10, 2007 hmmm, that sounds a little insecure and codependant to me. Does he show these traits in other situations ?
Author BrooklyntoHK Posted November 11, 2007 Author Posted November 11, 2007 that's what I'm afraid of...being codependant...and I've mentioned it before...especially in regards to this situation...we talk a lot and have great communication (mostly) but in situations like this he ends it by making a remark like "well I'll have to accept that, but I don't understand it and I think its ridiculous/selfish". So, yeah i mean he's said he would be doing it, but it would make me feel awful to actually then spend a night alone knowing that's how he feels. It does seem childish (like a 2 year old, thank you, i've had that thought before too) and maybe i should just take that and be happy with it that he says he'll accept it...i just wish there was a way i could get through to him that spending a night alone has nothing to do with him. He's taking it VERY personal and I've told him "some things i do may not be about you, but i understand they do affect you", and he says that its the same thing. Does that statement make sense to everyone? Am i not explaining it right? Ultimately I want him to be OK with things I want/need to do that make me feel "normal" and like myself, and I want him to understand that these things are not coming from a hurtful place. The last thing I want to do is hurt him, but ultimately i end up feeling like the bad guy for having these needs/wants...
Blue Eyed Brain Posted November 11, 2007 Posted November 11, 2007 You can take his behavior a few ways: 1. Incredibly in love with you 2. Incredibly insecure 3. Manipulative
Author BrooklyntoHK Posted November 11, 2007 Author Posted November 11, 2007 Which do I pick? Those all make sense...
melodymatters Posted November 11, 2007 Posted November 11, 2007 that's what I'm afraid of...being codependant...and I've mentioned it before...especially in regards to this situation...we talk a lot and have great communication (mostly) but in situations like this he ends it by making a remark like "well I'll have to accept that, but I don't understand it and I think its ridiculous/selfish". So, yeah i mean he's said he would be doing it, but it would make me feel awful to actually then spend a night alone knowing that's how he feels. It does seem childish (like a 2 year old, thank you, i've had that thought before too) and maybe i should just take that and be happy with it that he says he'll accept it...i just wish there was a way i could get through to him that spending a night alone has nothing to do with him. He's taking it VERY personal and I've told him "some things i do may not be about you, but i understand they do affect you", and he says that its the same thing. Does that statement make sense to everyone? Am i not explaining it right? Ultimately I want him to be OK with things I want/need to do that make me feel "normal" and like myself, and I want him to understand that these things are not coming from a hurtful place. The last thing I want to do is hurt him, but ultimately i end up feeling like the bad guy for having these needs/wants... Well, you are a new poster Brooklyn, so at first I wasn't sure, BUT having read what you have written, you sound like a wise woman with a good head on your shoulders ! Your thoughts and feelings sound completely normal, AND you seem to be conveying them in the kindest and healthiest possible ways ! I think you ARE going to have to accept that your normal feelings and actions are going to be met with a less than emotionally healthy response, and hope that he can " grow" in this relationship. He will either " get it" and start feling more secure, or sadly, he will become more manipulitive and eventually perhaps drive you away. I wish you the very best !
Sean0775 Posted November 11, 2007 Posted November 11, 2007 You can take his behavior a few ways: 1. Incredibly in love with you 2. Incredibly insecure 3. Manipulative Which do I pick? Those all make sense... Go with the second two. If he was really in love with you he'd respect your wishes to spend the night alone.
SMWNYC Posted November 11, 2007 Posted November 11, 2007 I guess my big question is "Why would you want to spend apart?" I mean, I totally understand needing personal time and not spending every minute of every day together, but why would you want to sleep alone, if you dont have to. Does he snore or kick or do something that keeps you from getting a restful sleep? If not, then I dont understand why you want this? Especially if it upsets him. Are you doing this to punish him for something? Are you trying to exert some form of control over the relationship by picking and choosing when he can spend the night with you. Do you ever plan on living together? What would you do then? Sleep on the couch when you feel this need to be alone?
jcster Posted November 11, 2007 Posted November 11, 2007 I guess my big question is "Why would you want to spend apart?" I mean, I totally understand needing personal time and not spending every minute of every day together, but why would you want to sleep alone, if you dont have to. Very much in keeping with the essence of this post: it's not important why - it's important that she wants it. I dont understand why you want this? Especially if it upsets him. Are you doing this to punish him for something? So, you are saying that she should suffer so that he will be happy?
BeautifulMusic Posted November 11, 2007 Posted November 11, 2007 I guess my big question is "Why would you want to spend apart?" I mean, I totally understand needing personal time and not spending every minute of every day together, but why would you want to sleep alone, if you dont have to. Does he snore or kick or do something that keeps you from getting a restful sleep? If not, then I dont understand why you want this? Especially if it upsets him. Are you doing this to punish him for something? Are you trying to exert some form of control over the relationship by picking and choosing when he can spend the night with you. Do you ever plan on living together? What would you do then? Sleep on the couch when you feel this need to be alone? I wonder if SMWNYC is the OP's boyfriend...
Love Jones Posted November 11, 2007 Posted November 11, 2007 You mentioned that the two of you are developing a "mature" relationship. I disagree. YOU sound mature but your boyfriend sounds emotionally disturbed and needy. Seriously. If he can't respect your wishes and if he is so dependent, he may not be the sort of man you should be with in the long-term. We women will often try to excuse almost any kind of negative behaviour in a man, unfortunately. This man sounds problematic and overly needy/manipulative/childish/pathetic...
Timberlane Posted November 11, 2007 Posted November 11, 2007 My ex-husband was the same way. I tried to sleep on the couch a few times due to his snoring, and he didn't take it very well. I used to sneak out of the bedroom all of the time when I found myself snoring too much. My wife actually appreciated that I'm sure. I did do that once with a girl I was seeing and she was offended. So after that, I just snored away.
sumdude Posted November 11, 2007 Posted November 11, 2007 You can take his behavior a few ways: 1. Incredibly in love with you 2. Incredibly insecure 3. Manipulative Probably all of the above...
Poboy Posted November 11, 2007 Posted November 11, 2007 maybe he has trust issues thats why he wants to be around you every night ?
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