Do I tell my side of story to H's family? What have others done during a divorce?

[sillygirl32]

Here is a little background: Is been a rough couple of years...I suspected H having several flings over the past 3 years (mostly during my pregnancies with our 2 children). His actions never met his words (i.e. he wanted to be married and have a family, but he also wanted to party 2-3 nights a week with no ability for me to contact him by cell phone.) I finally got out of denial long enough to hire a PI to find out his most current A was with a co-worker. I confronted H and he denied it until I told him that I had a video of the two of them. I then went and told H's parents, mainly to see if they would get him some help b/c I was not able to help him anymore (I think that he has a sex addict problem). H demanded back into the house the next day, but wouldn't talk to me about A, refused to end it with OW, continued a "normal" routine with me at home while also continuing the A with the OW, and refused to go to MC (this was all while I was pregnant with our 2nd child). I had enough of it and told him it was over and filed for divorce. I sincerely thought that he just didn't want to be the one that ended our M and was surprised when he counter-filed the divorce asking for everything, including the children that he wasn't around to help raise. I didn't know what else to do but to file for divorce. I couldn't go on living this lie or have my children grow up thinking that this was okay......

 

H moved out only a couple of weeks ago. I now only talk to H now about our two young children. I am cordial, not overly friendly. It is extremely painful to even be near him or talk with him. He won't agree to anything in the divorce and emails/contacts me every day to discuss something, mostly related to him changing the schedule of when he wants to see our children. He has not admitted anything and has not show any remorse for his actions. I am ready to move into a surrounding town (I have no family here) just to get away from him and his family.

 

H's parents refuse to talk to me about it and said that they are not sure what to believe but maybe I wasn't able to love him the way he needed to be loved. In fact, they act like it is no big deal and are already allowing H to have the OW come to family dinners. But, more recently, some neighbors have mentioned that the H's sister is talking to people in our town about how our house is up for sale and how everything is all my fault. Mind you, I have not been discussing this to the public, only my nearest and dearest friends and family. Even though H finally moved out a couple of weeks ago, the house is not up for sale and there is no mention of the fact that I filed for divorce because of the A.

 

Would anyone send a letter or try to explain the situation to H's family???? or is this a loss cause and I should just expect this type of behavior during a divorce? Your thoughts are appreciated.

[Tripper]

Sorry for the mess you're in, SG. You husband sounds like a real jerk. But then the apple doesn't fall far from the tree as his parents sound pretty dysfunctional as well.

 

First I'd make sure you retained a good lawyer; no way should your H have custody of those kids. He's not "parent" material.

 

As far as writing to his family to try and explain, I think you'd be wasting your time. His family has made up their mind and accepted the OW. Who knows what he's been saying about you to them.

 

I would suggest you focus you energy on yourself and your children. And not worry about what H is telling the rest of the world. Your actions will speak louder than his words. How can anyone believe what he says when he's standing there with the OW. If it means moving to another town for you to move forward, then you may have to do it.

[CryingCanuck]

You really shouldn't get involved with your in-laws, unless you have a very close relationship with them it could very well come back and bite you in the butt. You would more than likely be accused of trying to sway their feelings from their "BLOOD" relative to yourself and you will lose big time.

 

My own opinion is this, who the heck cares what they think, you mentioned that they already accept the new fling in his life into the family, so why bother with them... I know you might think they should know he's this or that but really they would have seen it a long time ago but if they acknowledge it they are in some small way saying they might have something to do with it and they more than likely won't do that.

 

My EX's family are in total denial about her illness her affairs and her lack of morals whatsoever, they think that because I tell it like it is that I'm obviously the problem and her actions are the proof. So anyway in a word, NO don;t waste your breath on your inlaws.. Good luck

[GreenEyedLady]

Would anyone send a letter or try to explain the situation to H's family???? or is this a loss cause and I should just expect this type of behavior during a divorce? Your thoughts are appreciated.

 

I left my H and I didn't tell his family what happened...They already knew what was going on, they saw it...

 

I just think why explain? They're going to stand behind their son anyway and there's really nothing they can do...If it will make you feel better than go for it...But I think it will make you feel worse when they don't do anything to back you up...

 

((HUGS))

[whichwayisup]

I agree with GEL here, they will stand behind their son and fact that they've accepted the OW into their home so quickly just shows how much ALL of them are living in denial. At the end of the day it really doesn't matter what they think, though honestly, probably deep down they KNOW what's what, but are afraid to go against their son and not support him.

[dgiirl]

Honestly, put yourself in the parents shoes? What he did was wrong and I know you must be hurting, but they are HIS family. Naturally they will support him. Don't force them to take sides because it will only make you look worse, feel worse, and you will not win. Tell YOUR support system all you want too. But try to respect mutual friends boundaries and definitely his family by not forcing them to choose. Despite whatever he's done, painting someone in a negative light will only draw negative attention to YOU and not them. Let people make up their own minds.

[sillygirl32]

Thanks everyone for your thoughts. I appreciate your input and will not contact them. I didn't expect for his family to turn against him as much as I thought that they would stop spreading rumors. As for some of our mutual friends, some know b/c I was really close to some of his friend's wives but I didn't state anything except for facts and only when the question was raised about infidelity.

 

I am hurting... it just doesn't seem fair that the H is so insensitive to the whole situation. He still blames me for everything, but then acts like we should be friends. I think that I will ultimately get through all the pain, but I will never be his best friend again. I honestly believe that there was nothing more that I could do especially if H was already in a relationship with this OW.

 

thanks again.

[dgiirl]

I am hurting... it just doesn't seem fair.

 

From my own personal experience, I know it hurts and I know it isnt fair. That's one of the hard things about divorce, realizing life isnt always fair.

 

Dont worry about your ex-in-laws. Like I said, painting someone in a negative light only brings negative attention to that person, not the one they are trying to hurt. Trust me, it WILL come back to that person.

 

And it's ok to talk to your mutual friends, if they are your support system, but try to empathize with their position too. If they ask, then speak honestly to them. Just dont ever put them in the middle of having to choose.

[RecordProducer]

Would anyone send a letter or try to explain the situation to H's family????

Absolutely not! If you want to insult them, go ahead, send them a letter full of venom and make it sound like it was sent from above - from a goddess. but don't expect that they would EVER be on your side. They are NOT your friends. You hear me? They are not!

 

Unless you really have to take your anger out on them, don't explain yourself. Your husband is a piece of sh*t. Move on. Sorry you're hurting, but life will bring happiness to you. Men come and go, but kids stay and bring a lot of joy. Been there, done that. I am about to go through it again soon. Hugs to you.