Flutterby07 Posted November 10, 2007 Posted November 10, 2007 First of all, I want to go find the genius who advises people to be in constant communication and kick him/her straight in the ass. Do they not realize that some people take that crap LITERALLY??? I am in a long distance relationship. We are both older people, I am 40s & he is 50s. Our plans are to live in the same town and eventually marry. I am recently divorced, as is he. Currently, we live roughly 3 hrs away. Everything is wonderful between us except that he seems to need to have a strangle hold on me. He wants nearly constant communication. I feel sometimes that my whole existence is punctuated by phone calls and emails. I feel like I am connected to an IV line sometimes. That's right...he got this pearl of wisdom from online advise...'good communication = CONSTANT communication'. He says that I am wrong to feel the way I do. I say that he is wrong to hang on so tight. He says that allllllll the advice online says to have good communication. I say that it is really up to the needs of the people involved as to what level of communication is needed. I have read some of the things he speaks of...its aimed at younger couples. Our needs SHOULD not be the same as younger couples. It almost feels like he reads-into it what he wants, as far as this goes. I can see insecurity on his part. I don't think he trusts me. Or is it that he needs more than me? SURELY there is a happy medium...and should we find that, I should not need to remind him over and over to back off, should I?? I feel that my boundaries are not being respected, and healthy boundaries are important to me, coming from what I have come from. I am in a very demanding career field. I work a lot. He works long hours, too. He really should not need to be so clingy, with the amount of shear life he has to handle -- it blows my mind sometimes. I want to (and have, with bad results) tell him to 'get a grip!' and just let it BE. The relationship will develop or it won't. But seriously, steering it so hard with drive it into the ground. If he would just stop DOING so much and relax, it will be a very good thing. I also recently left a controlling relationship and I am really NOT interested in getting into another one like that. If this keeps up, I will see it as such. I do love him. I can see a future. But honestly, the squeezing and having to remind him to back off is driving me away. I love him and I want to make this work. HELP??
norajane Posted November 10, 2007 Posted November 10, 2007 If he's wanting to talk/email so often that it drives you insane, and you have explained that it drives you insane and it's going to kill your relationship despite what he's read online, and he STILL insists that talking that much is the best thing...then he's failing in one very KEY part of the whole communication thing: LISTENING. What I would do if I were you is communicate to him that you'd like to try working out some general communication guidelines so that both of you are on the same page with what you are comfortable with. Something like: - it's hard for you to talk during the day at work, so you'll talk on your drive home, or while you're getting dinner together after you get home - he can send you all the emails he wants, and you'll respond to them when you have time to sit down with a glass of wine and read all the sweet nothings he wants to communicate to you - if he wants to send you dirty texts, you're more than happy to receive them and will respond in kind when possible...but he is not to be upset if it's not possible until AFTER you are done meeting with your boss Negotiate the guidelines with him - they should be some kind of compromise between what you want and he wants, but the point is to convey to him specifically what you're relatively comfortable with, and if he tries to contact you at other times and you aren't able to pick up the phone or whatever, you don't want him to feel insecure or concerned or like your relationship is falling apart. And if he doesn't hear from you as often as he expects, again, it shouldn't be cause for alarm. And if he hears from you when he doesn't expect to, but you were thinking about him or had a funny story to tell him, won't that be a delightful bonus? Spontaneity is also important, not just constant contact! Ask him to just give the guidelines a try for two weeks, and then you'll both communicate at the end of the two weeks how each of you felt about it, and adjust accordingly. I don't know if it will help, but maybe he'll feel less insecure (if that's what it is), or he'll see that you are actually communicating and wanting to find a good resolution with him (instead of just telling him to back off). And if you can find a good article written by an expert on communication - something that explains that communication actually conveys ideas and thoughts, rather than just constant contact for the sake of contact - by all means, email it to him!
Author Flutterby07 Posted November 10, 2007 Author Posted November 10, 2007 Thanks for the advise. I will give this idea a try.
GeminiWoman Posted November 11, 2007 Posted November 11, 2007 Norajane is a genius at this, so I won't attempt to add to her brilliant advice. I will say, however, I think your instincts are right. This is not about him trying to be a good communicator. He is using the internet advice as a way of justifying his behavior. I see several things going on here: 1) he is needy and not trusting because of his recent divorce. You don't say how long he has been divorced and why but it is very common for people to be either very distant or very needy in their next relationship. Divorce, as we all know, does a number of your head for a little while. 2) he is very controlling either by nature or because of the divorce. My bet is this may be part of his personality and it was an issue in his previous marriage at some point. Some people think this 'jointed the hip' thing is a requirement in a marriage. It works great when both spouses like it but it can be suffocating when one wants it and the other doesn't. There's no way for you to know if he is only doing this because of the LDR or if he is always like this. I see this as the curse of a LDR. You never know what it will be like when you finally do get to live in the same location. 3) The fact that he is superbusy at work and still finds the time to have constant contact says to me he is very insecure and this is his way of 'controlling' the situation from his end. As you know from your previous controlling relationship (I just left one also) people who are controlling will end up trying to control all aspects of their SO and their live together. Follow Norajane's advice and see what happens. It will tell you a lot. Another poster here recently was in the exact situation and when he calmly told his LDR g/f that her need to talk on the phone for 4-5 hours a day was a problem for him, she got very angry and within a week was dating someone else. I can't find the thread, it appears it was deleted. Of course, the constant need for contact and the neediness should be a huge red flag. Good luck.
GeminiWoman Posted November 11, 2007 Posted November 11, 2007 Here's the thread I was referring to. You might find it very interesting. Some of the same issues you are dealing with: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t133415/ It's in Separation and Divorce :"Update on my situation, and need some help"
Aussie65 Posted November 12, 2007 Posted November 12, 2007 I am going through what your man is right now with the needing constant reassurance.I find though it's because he is not meeting me halfway on things and the distance is hard,so hard!Mine left to work in another state and lives about 3 hours away as well.I am finding though he is not as attentive as he was before he left and I am constantly having to dig for things.I am now finding myself extremely needy and wanting words from him to make me feel good.I cannot speak for your man,only for myself here.I hate long distance relationships,all we have is a phone call and if one gets annoyed it's so easy to hang up whereas if you were there in front of each other you would normally try and solve the issues that arise. Everyone is different,each of us have different needs...I miss my man and want him with me.Yes....I am a needy person but he moved not me and I am so affraid he will find someone else that will fill that void in his life right now.Just my views.
Author Flutterby07 Posted November 13, 2007 Author Posted November 13, 2007 Aussie -- since you are in the same shoes as my guy: I find that the more he pulls on me, the more I push him away. If he would just relax and let things BE, I would be more inclined to reach out to him more often. But he has to LET that happen with less DOING. You know? We have looooong discussions and things seem okay for a bit, then it crops back up. I think the way my ex hangs about makes my guy feel insucure. I wish that he would trust that I am doing the right things and that my way of handling things keeps it peaceful for all involved...kids, etc.
norajane Posted November 13, 2007 Posted November 13, 2007 I think the way my ex hangs about makes my guy feel insucure. Yes, absolutely! That will make a lot of people feel insecure, and if it's a long distance relationship, it's even more likely to make people feel uncertain. I haven't done any scientific polls or anything, but I'm willing to bet people cheat with their exes far more often than with someone new...it's easy to slip back into sex with them because of the past relationship, and if some chemistry is still there, and if one partner or both still have some good feelings toward each other. Even if that's nowhere near a possibility with you and your ex, your bf really has no way of knowing that, especially since he's nowhere near you and your ex to see how you interact. I wish that he would trust that I am doing the right things and that my way of handling things keeps it peaceful for all involved...kids, etc.That kind of trust takes a lot of time to develop. You have to build that kind of trust - it's not the kind that most people can have automatically, especially if they've been burned in the past or if the ex is around a lot more than the bf is (like in an LDR). You have to give your bf a bit of the benefit of the doubt. Wouldn't you feel even a little bit insecure if he had an ex hanging around, especially if they had children together and presumably loved each other at one point and had sexual chemistry?
Aussie65 Posted November 13, 2007 Posted November 13, 2007 My biggest problem is this...my boyrfriend has moved back to his old haunting grounds.All his ex women are there...anything he ever had anything to do with is there,he is right in amongst it and I might be able to keep him happy on weekends but what about through the week when he is lonely and having to come home to an empty house?.Yes it was his choice to move,yes he wanted me to go with him knowing I couldn't,yes he knew it would be hard but to go back to that place....my biggest fear is he will end up hooking up with either one of these girls again or move on to someone new....out of mind out of sight and unless I relax more I am going to go out of my mind.
Trialbyfire Posted November 13, 2007 Posted November 13, 2007 If one person is a communicator and the other not so much, where is the compatibility?
confused39 Posted November 14, 2007 Posted November 14, 2007 I agree with Trial. Trust and compatibility....I've learned that for me, those two factors are the most important in my relationship.
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