Author uniqueone Posted November 10, 2007 Author Posted November 10, 2007 OK, so once these men pass the threshold test, they fail at stage two, eh? That sucks! I don't know how else to respond to that. That really does sound "bah". I'm told that the problem lies in the fact that we're attracted to what's familiar to us and that I'm attracted to guys who are like my father. And that's not really a good thing. But it's a little bit difficult to reprogram whom you're attracted to.
Sean0775 Posted November 10, 2007 Posted November 10, 2007 Huh...I've met all ages. Doesn't mean I'm interested in dating all ages but I've met them if they've interested me. Of course you're dealing there with women in the age group (25-34) that want to get married so they sort of have an agenda so that could be why they rule you out. I suppose that's my lousy outlook for you. I don't see the point in meeting someone if I'm not interested in dating them. Of course getting women to actually meet in this age group seems to be an issue as well. Clearly, asking to meet in a public place and talk over lunch or dinner means I have some diabolical plan to get in her pants on the first date. I don't know, seems like a waste of my time and hers to spend weeks talking only to find out we don't click in real life. That's really lame. Work a 12 hour shift overnight and let me know how motivated you feel to work out for an hour or two.
Ocean-Blue Posted November 10, 2007 Posted November 10, 2007 I'm told that the problem lies in the fact that we're attracted to what's familiar to us and that I'm attracted to guys who are like my father. And that's not really a good thing. But it's a little bit difficult to reprogram whom you're attracted to. Yeah, attraction is a strange thing. I've learned that sometimes, raw chemistry is a strange thing that defies explanation.
lovelorcet Posted November 10, 2007 Posted November 10, 2007 This maybe field specific but I have found it is really easy to meet people at scientific conventions/meetings. Is there something similar to your field? Could it be that there is something in your behavior that is scaring off the "good men?"
Stereogram Posted November 10, 2007 Posted November 10, 2007 To clarify...Sean0775 is 24....myself, Stereogram, is 28 years old. I'm in great shape for my age. 6-2 170 lbs. Gym four times a week. I'm finding great variety in the eight women I've associated myself with this year. Girl 1 - Age 32...desperate for a relationship and . Smart...but too smothering and somewhat annoying. Not attracted to her. Girl 2 - Age 23...somewhat smart (she was law school)...too desperate for a relationship. Not attracted to her. Girl 3 - Age 28...had a child...lived a bad life...too much baggage but was very sweet. Somewhat attractive. Girl 4 - Age 26...total bitch...divorced...pretty...very smart. Never returned my phone calls and started ignoring me for some reason. Girl 5 - Age 22...EXCEPTIONALLY beautiful...had a daughter...low intelligence. Never returned my email so I cut her loose. I wasn't her type, as she liked "thugs". Girl 6 - Age 22...super needy...senior in college...psychotic...not that pretty. Girl 7 - Age 25...ditzy and bubbly...pretty...but never returned my phone call. Girl 8 - Age 23...HOT...super sweet...had a boyfriend. Girl 4 and Girl 8 were the ones I felt I might have had a future with. It always 50/50. Girl likes you, you don't like her. You like girl...they don't like you. Will it be this way when I'm in my 30's? Do girls become more open to those available? I kind of feel like I've had every variety this year and I just having trouble making connections. I think what I need to do is start taking some type art class for adults so I can find someone with similar interests....
Ariadne Posted November 10, 2007 Posted November 10, 2007 Well, You like girl...they don't like you. Will it be this way when I'm in my 30's? And then there is the other problem that people want to date way out of their league. I saw an interview with a matchmaker, and she mentioned that the most common problem was that everyone that went looking for a match, withouth fail, no matter what they looked like, wanted the best looking, most successful people in the book. Ariadne
The Loacker Posted November 10, 2007 Posted November 10, 2007 It always 50/50. Girl likes you, you don't like her. You like girl...they don't like you. I think the problem here is that when you like them, you show them that you like them, and not in that sexy flirty way, but in that needy clingy way. Of course I don't know anything about you, so I could very well be wrong, but that's the usual mistake guys make. The irony is that when you find someone you really want, you shouldn't show them how much you want them. Crazy, I know. Which is why most guys don't get it.
squeak Posted November 10, 2007 Posted November 10, 2007 Wow-not to be critical-but just an observation: do you think what you were innately attracted to has anything to do with it? You liked "the bitch" and "the hot unavailable one" I can understand the 2nd more than the first though.
Ariadne Posted November 10, 2007 Posted November 10, 2007 Ah, You liked "the bitch" and "the hot unavailable one" Because guys love bitches, don't you know by now? Ariadne
Stereogram Posted November 10, 2007 Posted November 10, 2007 Wow-not to be critical-but just an observation: do you think what you were innately attracted to has anything to do with it? You liked "the bitch" and "the hot unavailable one" I can understand the 2nd more than the first though. "the bitch" pulled a 180 on me. She was great...and then just stopped talking to me for NO reason. She still says "hi" to me when I see her...but nothing beyond that. Right now, if she were to ask ME out...I'd say "no" because I don't like how she handled things. "the hot unavailable one" was great. There was definitely a "wow...butterflies in the stomach" factor when we talked face-to-face. She had a boyfriend, but still wanted to call me! I never took her number, because I wasn't going to interfere with "her relationship". I'm not going to chase after her, in fact I'm ignoring her. If she wants me, she has my number. I think going to talk to her again would be the most pathetic thing I could do. The only girl that was out of my league, looks wise, was "Girl 5 - Age 22". She was nowhere near me in terms of smarts --- I'm sure she didn't understand some of the words I was using in our conversations. But she was the only one I feel I didn't have a shot with because there were SO MANY guys after her. I found her MySpace page and it disgusted me to see how many tools were throwing themselves at her. I think, in time, I'll find the right one...but if this year is any indication of how things are going to be.........yikes.
scratch Posted November 10, 2007 Posted November 10, 2007 I'm just wondering where is a good place to meet intelligent men? You certainly have no shortage of criteria for a man. He must be able to captivate you intellectually, but cannot be so intelligent that he becomes narcissistic. Several professions to which intelligent men may gravitate, such as doctors and lawyers, raise red flags for you (although you're kind enough to talk to them if they seek you out). Men have to be in their late 30's or older, but must be fit. They have to have interests you find appealing. I'm going to go out on a limb and assume you have criteria for their financial and family situations as well. And, unless I misunderstood, they cannot have sexual proclivities you consider "weird." I'm somewhat sympathetic to your plight. As a single man who is pretty content, I have fairly stringent criteria for women with whom I get seriously involved. However, If I turn away women who could potentially make me happy to hold out for someone who I perceive to be much more likely to make me happy, I accept responsibility for my choice. Consider an analogy - your affections are a commodity you wish to sell, and the qualities you require are the price you seek. If the price you set is too high, it takes a relatively long time before someone is willing to buy it. You have the option of waiting for a buyer at your price, or lowering your price to induce a more ready buyer. Right now, the people who can meet your price feel it's not a good deal. In date-speak, the guys who you think are good enough for you feel that you're not good enough for them. If you want to hold out, hold out. But stop with the "woe is me" nonsense and recognize that not settling for someone who is interested in you is a decision for which you should hold yourself accountable. Based on the advice you gave the young guy who couldn't get motivated to work out, you undoubtedly agree with my point about personal responsibility.
squeak Posted November 10, 2007 Posted November 10, 2007 I consider myself a realist, so add to that post above: that men who fit that criteria are also going to be able to attract women from many age ranges, if a guy is really fit, mentally stable, and all that good stuff-he knows he can get younger attractive version of the same. Add to that everyone woman of every age range wants that, well-odds are low. It sucks, but I have seen those men going out with 25-35 year olds over anyone in their own age range. These are just facts, cold, hard facts. Not mean to be a downer.
Ariadne Posted November 10, 2007 Posted November 10, 2007 Hi, You certainly have no shortage of criteria for a man. He must be able to captivate you intellectually, but cannot be so intelligent that he becomes narcissistic. She mentioned that in her other thread. He must be: ~ thin ~ attractive ~ nice ~ successful ~ athletic ~ fit ~ intelligent (highly, preferably) ~ educated ~ professional ~ similar sense of humor ~ no young kids ~ late 30's or older ~ etc..... And of course "not": ~ emotional or mental problems ~ couldn't commit ~ alcohol issues ~ cheated on their ex ~ weird sexual fetishes ~ narcissists..... -------- Ariadne
Author uniqueone Posted November 10, 2007 Author Posted November 10, 2007 Work a 12 hour shift overnight and let me know how motivated you feel to work out for an hour or two. If you work 12 hour shifts, that means you get extra days off, right? Also I worked 10 hour days for years and spent hours in traffic.....still found time.
Ariadne Posted November 10, 2007 Posted November 10, 2007 (Oh, I want all of that too plus, tall, blonde, blue eyed, and rich) Ariadne
scratch Posted November 10, 2007 Posted November 10, 2007 If you work 12 hour shifts, that means you get extra days off, right? Also I worked 10 hour days for years and spent hours in traffic.....still found time. You tell him. Don't you hate people who, instead of actually taking steps to improve their situation, just sit around and find reasons why it's not their fault they can't accomplish something?
Author uniqueone Posted November 10, 2007 Author Posted November 10, 2007 This maybe field specific but I have found it is really easy to meet people at scientific conventions/meetings. Is there something similar to your field? I don't know of any conventions or meetings. I would think one would have to show up regularly at any type of thing in order to be asked out on a date during such an event. Could it be that there is something in your behavior that is scaring off the "good men?" Hmmmm....quite the assumption there.... By that I mean....who says the good men are scared off? I'm not scaring off any men. There are good men that I have liked me that I wasn't the slightest bit attracted to. You know....before we go on....I suppose we should define "good men". There are good men who have liked me that have been uneducated and talk like hicks and whose favorite activity is fishing. Is that a good man by this definition or not? Or we could take the last guy I met.....although he wasnt bad looking, I wasn't attracted to him and he was about as boring as watching paint dry. He was interested in me. In fact, he was still expressing interested in me even after I turned him down in an email. Now are you assuming that I meet GOOD educated, intelligent, athletic, attractive, witty men (as defined by me) and they aren't interested in me? Nope....don't meet 'em. They either have the qualities I like and are jerks or don't have the qualities I like and may or may not be jerks.
Sean0775 Posted November 10, 2007 Posted November 10, 2007 You tell him. Don't you hate people who, instead of actually taking steps to improve their situation, just sit around and find reasons why it's not their fault they can't accomplish something? At what point did I say I don't like my current state of not working out? I was just pointing out the truth in Unique's statements that the younger generation leads a more sedentary lifestyle. I don't look bad by any stretch of the imagination, and I didn't feel a need to change anything even before I lost 25 lbs without trying when I went on 3rd shift. My weight/looks can do what they do and I'll react when they shift from good to bad, or somewhere in between.
Trialbyfire Posted November 10, 2007 Posted November 10, 2007 You certainly have no shortage of criteria for a man. He must be able to captivate you intellectually, but cannot be so intelligent that he becomes narcissistic. Several professions to which intelligent men may gravitate, such as doctors and lawyers, raise red flags for you (although you're kind enough to talk to them if they seek you out). Men have to be in their late 30's or older, but must be fit. They have to have interests you find appealing. I'm going to go out on a limb and assume you have criteria for their financial and family situations as well. And, unless I misunderstood, they cannot have sexual proclivities you consider "weird." I'm somewhat sympathetic to your plight. As a single man who is pretty content, I have fairly stringent criteria for women with whom I get seriously involved. However, If I turn away women who could potentially make me happy to hold out for someone who I perceive to be much more likely to make me happy, I accept responsibility for my choice. Consider an analogy - your affections are a commodity you wish to sell, and the qualities you require are the price you seek. If the price you set is too high, it takes a relatively long time before someone is willing to buy it. You have the option of waiting for a buyer at your price, or lowering your price to induce a more ready buyer. Right now, the people who can meet your price feel it's not a good deal. In date-speak, the guys who you think are good enough for you feel that you're not good enough for them. If you want to hold out, hold out. But stop with the "woe is me" nonsense and recognize that not settling for someone who is interested in you is a decision for which you should hold yourself accountable. Based on the advice you gave the young guy who couldn't get motivated to work out, you undoubtedly agree with my point about personal responsibility. Whoah...best advice yet. Each person is accountable for their list of requirements and criteria, so no more victim mentality. People are alone because they want to be. There are more than enough single men out there who are able to meet anyone's needs, twenties, thirties, forties, fifties...it goes on and on. The question is, can you meet their needs and requirements, as well? The last man I dated before my dating strike was an amazing guy. Talk about a man who could easily meet and exceed any woman's checklist. If I had been ready for a relationship at the time, we would still be together now, a month+ later. I know it was me and will take full responsibility for it.
Author uniqueone Posted November 10, 2007 Author Posted November 10, 2007 You certainly have no shortage of criteria for a man. He must be able to captivate you intellectually, but cannot be so intelligent that he becomes narcissistic. And that's a bad point BECAUSE......???? Several professions to which intelligent men may gravitate, such as doctors and lawyers, raise red flags for you (although you're kind enough to talk to them if they seek you out). I know several women who will agree with this....it's not just me. And please don't put words in to my mouth such as "you're kind enough to talk to them". What's funny about that statement is, if I DIDN'T talk to them, someone on here would tell me that I don't give guys a chance. You just can't win, can you? Men have to be in their late 30's or older, but must be fit. They have to have interests you find appealing. I'm going to go out on a limb and assume you have criteria for their financial and family situations as well. And, unless I misunderstood, they cannot have sexual proclivities you consider "weird." I'm somewhat sympathetic to your plight. As a single man who is pretty content, I have fairly stringent criteria for women with whom I get seriously involved. However, If I turn away women who could potentially make me happy to hold out for someone who I perceive to be much more likely to make me happy, I accept responsibility for my choice. Who's not accepting responsibilty? I simply asked where to meet intelligent men??? LOL Consider an analogy - your affections are a commodity you wish to sell, and the qualities you require are the price you seek. If the price you set is too high, it takes a relatively long time before someone is willing to buy it. You have the option of waiting for a buyer at your price, or lowering your price to induce a more ready buyer. Right now, the people who can meet your price feel it's not a good deal. In date-speak, the guys who you think are good enough for you feel that you're not good enough for them. Actually I AM. They're not turning me away. If you want to hold out, hold out. But stop with the "woe is me" nonsense and recognize that not settling for someone who is interested in you is a decision for which you should hold yourself accountable. Woe is me? I asked where to meet intelligent men. And out that you get "woe is me"? Wow.
scratch Posted November 10, 2007 Posted November 10, 2007 At what point did I say I don't like my current state of not working out? I was just pointing out the truth in Unique's statements that the younger generation leads a more sedentary lifestyle. I don't look bad by any stretch of the imagination, and I didn't feel a need to change anything even before I lost 25 lbs without trying when I went on 3rd shift. My weight/looks can do what they do and I'll react when they shift from good to bad, or somewhere in between. Pardon my attempt at subtlety. My intent was to note how her posts alternated between making excuses for her inability to meet a man she likes and criticizing you for making excuses for your inability to work out the way you would like. It's collateral damage, just disregard.
Phateless Posted November 10, 2007 Posted November 10, 2007 Music stores? Most of my friends that are REALLY into music are pretty intelligent people. Maybe just put in your profile that you value grammar and education? I know how you feel, the number of people who know the difference between they're their there, you're and your, here and hear, etc, is astonishingly low. Pisses me off... I would say you just have to meet a lot of people in general and talk to them to figure out who's intelligent. I meet a lot of women and most of them don't spark my interest, even if they are intelligent.
Author uniqueone Posted November 10, 2007 Author Posted November 10, 2007 Will it be this way when I'm in my 30's? Do girls become more open to those available? Yes they DO become more open to those available. They do this because all their friends are getting married and they do this because they want kids. They also end up divorced 10 years later (actually many marriages aren't even lasting 10 years anymore). And then you'll be spending your time every other week watching the kids and you'll be free for dating only alternate weekends.
scratch Posted November 10, 2007 Posted November 10, 2007 Please don't put words in to my mouth such as "you're kind enough to talk to them". What's funny about that statement is, if I DIDN'T talk to them, someone on here would tell me that I don't give guys a chance. You just can't win, can you? I believe your words were "I'm not fond of dating doctors and lawyers, but will respond if they talk to me." If that's significantly different than "kind enough to talk to them," I apologize for putting words in your mouth. Who's not accepting responsibilty? I simply asked where to meet intelligent men. Your responses to the suggestions offered were to consistently explain why they wouldn't work due to circumstances beyond your control. If that isn't the definition of avoiding responsibility, I don't know what is. Actually I AM. They're not turning me away. Of course they aren't turning you away, in practice. However, take into account that you're precommitted to only dealing with men who approach you first. Thus, if a man decides you're not good enough for him and declines to approach, in effect he has turned you away. Woe is me? I asked where to meet intelligent men. And out that you get "woe is me"? Wow. The tone of the thread, or any thread about where to meet anyone to date, carries the implication that the OP is frustrated with his or her inability to find someone. The instant you offer up a position similar to "I've tried everything and nothing works" the message that you convey is that you feel sorry for yourself. Take another look at the answers/advice you gave Sean about working out, and you'll understand.
Author uniqueone Posted November 10, 2007 Author Posted November 10, 2007 I believe your words were "I'm not fond of dating doctors and lawyers, but will respond if they talk to me." If that's significantly different than "kind enough to talk to them," I apologize for putting words in your mouth. Thank you. Your responses to the suggestions offered were to consistently explain why they wouldn't work due to circumstances beyond your control. If that isn't the definition of avoiding responsibility, I don't know what is. Uh....okaaaay..... So if someone does "A" and it doesn't work for them. And then someone comes along and says to them "You should try doing "A" and that person says, "No, that really doesn't work for me." Then you see that as the person avoiding responsibility. Amazing. Of course they aren't turning you away, in practice. However, take into account that you're precommitted to only dealing with men who approach you first. Thus, if a man decides you're not good enough for him and declines to approach, in effect he has turned you away. Well now that is the funniest thing I've ever heard. They don't know me...I'm sorry but if I'm rejected by someone who doesn't know me, then it really doesn't mean anything. The tone of the thread, or any thread about where to meet anyone to date, carries the implication that the OP is frustrated with his or her inability to find someone. The instant you offer up a position similar to "I've tried everything and nothing works" the message that you convey is that you feel sorry for yourself. Take another look at the answers/advice you gave Sean about working out, and you'll understand. And if YOU interpret it as the poster feeling sorry for themselves, then that's on YOU. And there's nothing I can do to control what you think or do. That's YOUR mind interpretting things that way. And it doesn't mean it's correct. I would suggest you be more open and not put everyone in the category of feeling sorry for themselves just because they ask a question about meeting people. I've had several posters PM and tell me that they no longer will post how they feel because of other posters doing this very thing to them. This is on YOU. It's YOU who interprets a question as a poster feeling sorry for themselves. That is entirely YOU. And I will tell you this.....if I have tried suggestions already and I have tried them extensively.....and if there are things that are impossible to due given my location or situation or set of circumstances.......then I'll tell you that those aren't good options for me. If you can't accept the fact that someone has tried things to exhaustion or can't accept the fact that something cannot work for a person given certain circumstances, then once again, that is YOU. That is YOU being unable to accept it and be flexible. But I'm not weak.....and you're not looking at any victim here so I'd recommend you refrain from the reference. And because I'm not weak I won't be bullied into saying yes to whatever you tell me to do. Some constructive help has been offerred such as conventions and meetings. When I ask how to meet people at such events, the poster does not respond. There you have it.
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