noturtypicalwife Posted November 10, 2007 Posted November 10, 2007 Hi all, I just have a random question...Does marriage counseling work? How commited do people have to be, what is the standard duration? Is it worth it? Can a marriage be fixed even if one partner seems to be the only one that cares? Oh one other random question...why does it seem that women are the one that cry all the tears? Do men ever cry about their marriages falling apart>do they care? If so how do they decide it matters? Thanks to anyone that answers.
reboot Posted November 10, 2007 Posted November 10, 2007 Do men ever cry about their marriages falling apart>do they care? Yes, we do.
tommyr Posted November 10, 2007 Posted November 10, 2007 Yes I would say marriage counseling DOES work. Wife and I started MC in April 07 and had weekly sessions until end of July 07. Things have never been better in my house, and while MC does not deserve all of the credit, it was a great help for both of us. No surprise that communication was a problem for us, and our MC helped us learn to have serious and even sensitive discussions without going directly to a full-body-armor brawl.
DazedandConfused66 Posted November 10, 2007 Posted November 10, 2007 Marriage counseling is a partnership between the couple and the therapist. Unless the two partners are BOTH invested in the benefits brought about by MC nothing will happen from it other than perhaps validating that the M needs to be dissolved. And, just like any other profession, there are good MC therapists and there are awful ones. So it's best to find a couple who had an issue, went to MC and are willing to share a good reference with you. Easier said than done, but that's how we found ours. My wife and I went to MC for about 18 months at our 13 year marriage mark. The MC was actually my idea. No affairs ever took place, although I had been placed into some positions where several EA's in a row ALMOST happened. I realized what was happening and so asked (read BEGGED) my wife to go to MC with me. She really thought I HAD had an affair at the time and was almost devastated because I simply ASKED her to go with me. But in our first few sessions, that fear was over and we both realized how much we had grown apart and were basically just on the roommates approach to marriage. Over time, MC sessions became a part of our "date night" rituals....no kidding! We'd go to MC, then go out for drinks and dinner or dancing afterwards. At the 12 month mark, we started doing MC once a month but kept the date nights to 2-3 times a month. Now...just date nights. You get out of MC what you put into it, and that includes your attitude. If you expect nothing from it.....then that's exactly what you'll get. Well, that and invoices from the therapist.
JamesM Posted November 10, 2007 Posted November 10, 2007 Does marriage counseling work? Yes, but too often it is used as the last resort before divorce. Then either one or both partners are doing it simply as a precursor to divorce. However, if it is used when the troubles first occur and when both partners WANT the marriage fixed, then it can be very helpful. How committed do people have to be, what is the standard duration? 100% committed. Duration will depend on how much MC is needed. Is it worth it? Yes if.....both parties are committed and willing to work. Can a marriage be fixed even if one partner seems to be the only one that cares? Yes. Many marriages are fixed because on person initiates the MC or works at solutions to fix the marriage. However, for the marriage to actually survive, it will take commitment from both partners at some point. Oh one other random question...why does it seem that women are the one that cry all the tears? Do men ever cry about their marriages falling apart>do they care? If so how do they decide it matters? Men don't always show emotions outwardly, but that does not mean they don't hurt on the inside. Men have many of the same emotions and worries, but they don't always know how to express them. And to sit down and tell you would make him vulnerable. Many men cannot do this. And to admit failure or to admit that his marriage is in trouble may be difficult because he will feel that he cannot measure up and be a man. Hence, many men do not admit it when their marriage is in trouble. But yes, if you can get him to MC with an open mind...even if he is not willing to admit his marriage is in trouble, then he may feel free to open up if it means saving his marriage and keeping you.
Author noturtypicalwife Posted November 11, 2007 Author Posted November 11, 2007 Thanks for the replies. I hate to say it, but one day almost a year ago, he said he was done, I could do whatever I wanted....u know the rest, and from that time on I have had a hard time accepting it when he says he wants us to be o.k. For awhile that morning I was upset, I went to work, cried.HARD, then I felt an exhale, like something was lifted from my back, suddenly I felt o.k. I went home, he was still there, and he says he didn't mean it/I guess I can't help but look back, and there are things said and done, that I have tried to get over, but somedays I just can't let it go. I am not perfect and I have done wrong, and I would assume he feels the same sometimes, but he never claims his responsibility, he has an excuse for it, he excuses his behavior but without validation of resolve I feel these things linger. It has been 2 yrs of a long hard road with him. I have done everything read books, let him do whatever saying nothing, said nothing in general, and I went to MC with him (my request) but it was random, and not committed, I don't know what to feel, and honestly I wish he would just say something..anything other than "are you mad?" DAMN IT ARE YOU?????
JamesM Posted November 11, 2007 Posted November 11, 2007 So, let me get this straight...he said he was done, then he changed his mind and said he didn't mean it? Have you felt like you need to now do everything "perfect," or he may decide to leave again? Does he give you the impression that he loves you only as long as you are the "perfect wife?"
Author noturtypicalwife Posted November 21, 2007 Author Posted November 21, 2007 Yes he makes me feel like everything I do has to be right,, and even if it is he tells me its wrong, or I messed it up. Take today for instance. I had to bring our daughter to the docs for her neck(another story) anyway I get back to our store to check in with him, and the person suppossed to be coming in isn't. So it was my instinct to go home get cahnged come back and help him through his shift. I came back, I was venting aloud but not nessacarly to him how it seems when I am not @ the employees do nothing. I was away for 2 days. So he then says, "well no-one siad you had to come back." Now I said "are you just being nasty cuz I am trying to hekp YOU." I wasn't sure if he was reffering to me coming back at all from my trip or to the store to help him, and at that moment I didn't ask. I went into the bathroom cried, gathered myself and got on with it.
Meaplus3 Posted November 21, 2007 Posted November 21, 2007 Hi all, I just have a random question...Does marriage counseling work? How commited do people have to be, what is the standard duration? Is it worth it? Can a marriage be fixed even if one partner seems to be the only one that cares? Oh one other random question...why does it seem that women are the one that cry all the tears? Do men ever cry about their marriages falling apart>do they care? If so how do they decide it matters? Thanks to anyone that answers. I am new to MC so I'm not sure if I'm the best to help answer you here, however I will say that I have seen improvement since my H and I started a month ago. It's hard work and you both have to want it in order for it to work IMO. H and I both would like to save out marriage, so I think the more and more we go and share we will be able to do that. Good luck. AP:)
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