chall24503 Posted November 10, 2007 Posted November 10, 2007 I don't mean to be so depressed about my situation, but here goes for those who listen. My husband left me again 2 months ago. He filed for separation and signed papers. I did not sign as I do not want a divorce. We have been married for almost 6 years together for 8 years. We have a son together. This is my second marriage and his first. I have been his first serious relationship, where I have been married before. I have two daughters from my first. Sounds like I am making bad choices? Or is it me? Sometimes I feel I am cursed. My first marriage was very rocky and abusive. I did rush into the relationship with my current husband and we became pregnant and married. We do love each other but feel everything was against us. I was sexually abused as a child and have hide this from my family and myself until all these problems started with my current marriage. I did confront my family last year about this sexually abuse and they denied me. My husband was supportive through this even with all the problems we were going through. I have always not been able to speak out and tell the truth because it has been easy for me to hide behind lies about my past and easy to lie. My husband has seen this as a big flaw and judges my faithfulness. Said thing is I have always been faithful in our marriage. I have lied and that is our failure and we have no trust. I have been to counseling and came out to my family and starting to be free of secrets. However through this my marriage is over. I love him with all my heart and soul and he has walked out. He has done this several times before even when we dated, so I should have seen it coming. I feel it is my fault for not being honest in the beginning with him or myself. He has always been insecure with me and about relationships. His mother had an affair with his dad's bother when he was a child and I believe it has caused him not to trust. We have been through allot and I am still here hurt over him. Am I insane? We have been separated now for several months and today I had the nerve to call him and talk about us. I was crying and told him that I loved him and that I never cheated on him. He says he is not coming back and it is over. It hurts me to know that. I did ask him was he seeing someone else and he said I didn't have the right to ask him that question. He would not answer. I feel that he has seen someone maybe a one night stand. I hope not but it is out of my control. I am hurting inside that I have had to failed marriages and just cant seem to get this right. I am a good person but just with a history of child abuse. I feel so rejected. To top this all I have started to get physically sick. I started to have some swelling and feeling sick all the time. The doctors are saying that my kidneys are not filtering and causing me to be sick. I have been referred to a kidney specialist. I am undergoing some exams to see what is causing them to fail. So I have that going on, separated from my husband, working, raising 3 kids and taking care of our home... and not to forget my mom and her family has denied that I was sexually abused by this person in the family. That has been going on for over a year now. I say what else, you know. What else can I take on? I feel so bad and so alone. I just want my husband back home. But at this point it is hopeless. I am still very young good looking girl but just cant shake this. Maybe I am not meant for a good relationship. All I wanted in life is a good family to call my own and to grow old with some one I love who loves me just as much. Why cant I have that.
sumdude Posted November 10, 2007 Posted November 10, 2007 Right now at this moment your life is very heavy, I feel for you. The abuse you suffered is affecting your life in so many ways and has been. Keep seeking professional help, find some way work through that. Nothing is hopeless unless you belive it is... so hold on... please. Most importantly you have to take care of yourself in every way possible. Physically, emotionally and mentally. This must be your priority. Right now the relationship with your husband has to take a low priority and ... you must accept what is and that it is not the end of your life or the last chance you'll ever have at love. You'll have to be at peace with yourself and learn from the events and decisions in life to heal and grow. You can't control others reactions and actions only your own. Whether it is your family's denial or your husbands leaving you. You're not insane or a bad person... just a human being who has been through a lot and is going through a lot right now. As far as your husband ... seems to me he couldn't handle the commitment of a real marriage. It's not your fault... so don't beat yourself up over it.
Curmudgeon Posted November 10, 2007 Posted November 10, 2007 I am still very young good looking girl but just cant shake this. Maybe I am not meant for a good relationship. All I wanted in life is a good family to call my own and to grow old with some one I love who loves me just as much. Why cant I have that. How you look doesn't really matter when it comes to someone else loving you. It simply helps attract potential partners but not always for the right reasons. Don't ever believe that you're not meant for a good relationship. My wife felt that way after her second divorce and then stayed single for 18 years. She tried dating occasionally for about six of them but finally gave up in disgust and resigned herself to raising her two daughters alone. Then I came along. Over a five year period we became friends and I finally asked her out. We've now been married 11 years. You CAN have what you want. Just don't rush into anything with anyone. My guess is that you're still very young. My wife was 48 when we married (I was 50) so it's truly never too late. Please don't discourage yourself or sell yourself short.
Author chall24503 Posted November 10, 2007 Author Posted November 10, 2007 Thanks for the kind advice. I am struggling with emotions right now. I need to spend the time healing and learnig to love me, and not worried about being loved. I just feel like such a failure with the two marriages that I wish I had done things differently. My focus now is on my kids and myself. My stbxh wants me to sell the house so that he can get half profit and buy him a place. He currently is staying with his brother and cant afford his own place. I am taking care of the home and the kids and working. I just dont have the energy to go down this path again. I am so tired of this.
Curmudgeon Posted November 11, 2007 Posted November 11, 2007 Until you are able to love yourself, to be your own best friend and to thoroughly enjoy your own company, you really shouldn't be bringing someone else into your life and your childrens'. It can take time to get to that point but it's well worth the wait. A relationship such as marriage should never be about two halves who come together to make a whole. It should always be about two wholes who come together and enhance one another. You're young. There's no rush.
sumdude Posted November 11, 2007 Posted November 11, 2007 When it comes time to manage the money part of the split... keep in mind that if you are to be taking care of the kids you are going to need a lot of support. Get a good lawyer however try not to make a war out of it. Would be bad for the children,.
Author chall24503 Posted November 12, 2007 Author Posted November 12, 2007 My husband is acting strange since the seperation. At first he was coming over and wanting sex. Of course I would give in. However the past couple of weeks we have been distant with space. Something tells me he is up to something or cheating. I am not sure but I cant put my finger on it. We are seperated and have been for 2 months. Why do I care? Why should I worry? I am consumed with knowing if he is out running around. I guess it will show me that he is shallow. Wouldnt he be? I mean two months out of the house and he is going out to bars? I want to forget him, and just get him out of my mind. I cant. I wake up thinking of him and go to sleep thinking of him. I cant function at work. I want to scream at him, but remain silent. He says it is over. Is it? Am I in denile over here in the house taking care of the kids, while he lives it up. He acts so happy about it. It hurts. Any advice on how to close the wounds and forget about this relationship?
sumdude Posted November 12, 2007 Posted November 12, 2007 Limit contact to the absolute minimum... keep it businesslike. It's a tough time the first few months of separation. Get as much sleep as you can. Exercise helps a lot... kept me sane and tired me out so I could fall asleep. what you're going through is natural. You're going to feel a bit like an emotional ping pong ball but it'll pass. Take an active role in improving your life and it will help. Some say coming off of a long term relationship is a lot like kicking a hard drug habit. You're in withdrawal.. symptoms are simlar.. sleeplessness lack of appetite anxiety shakes etc.. this web site has a lot of great articles http://www.divorcerecovery101.com/site_map.html Read up on the stages of grief.. Hang on .. it's a roller coaster ride..
Author chall24503 Posted November 14, 2007 Author Posted November 14, 2007 Coming off of a relationship does feel like a bad hangover. I have been back and forth with how I feel. It is going on 3 months and today I am numb. I really could care less about knowing if he has been with someone else. We are seperated and heading for the big D. I should accept and move on. As hard as that sounds. My H picks up our son each afternoon from day care and waits from me to get home before leaving. Today I walk in and he had cooked dinner for the kids and I said wow what is this. Seeing him at the dinner table eating with the kids was shocking... I mean seeing that imagine reminded me of our family dinners together. The he says that the kids have been complaining of not having anything to eat so he was going to feed them. I said oh so I am not feeding the kids now. What is was, is that I have not bought soft drinks and junk food for the kids and they were mad because they didnt have snacks. Well sorry that doesnt make me a bad mom. He took it the wrong way and well made a comment that the kids dont like my cooking. I was like ok, so come in here and cook dinner put me down and blah blah blah.... then leave the house with a messy kitchen, thank you. I am dealing with this health concern with my kidneys that just started since we have been divorce and I come home to this. I am reallly confused. Not sure why I get sick with this big health concern that happens during my seperation, perfect timing. So I am sick and swelling is bad from fluid where my kidneys are not filtering and he acts like no big deal. What ever. How considerate. So I thanked him for fixing dinner, not like he would be that considerate when we were together. When I walked in he was upset in the eyes like he was seeing red. Not sure what that was about. Anyway, I am glad that I am coming around and not sad but mad. That is today tho. Hope it stays like this. I cant stand boohooing like I have been. Is this mean of me? I am at the point I want it to be over for the sake of being over. Just get it over with, I am tired of dealing with this pain.
Recommended Posts