KUME06 Posted November 9, 2007 Posted November 9, 2007 Ok, so I dated this girl for a few months and I really liked and cared about her. We go to the same church, hence how we met, and hence why I still see her often. Anyway, she had broken up with a guy she was with for a couple of years a month or so before dating me. Her main reason for leaving him was because he didnt share her religion, although I believe they had numerous other unresolved issues as well. While I was dating her, she basically told me that she told him often that they would never work, and he would persuade her to keep dating him...and that she seemed to feel very ashamed for not being able to really end it with him. The thing is, is that this guy continued to call her and kept asking her to date him again. Around this time he converted to the same religion, and was telling her how badly he needed her and that he had no one else because his family had disowned him for converting...it was really sad (I honestly felt bad for him myself). There were a few occasions where she would go off the deep end, and start talking about how everyone must hate her now and that she must be a horrible person for leaving him and then dating me. He continued to ask her if she had made her decision about dating again too, she finally made a special effort to really tell him clearly that she would not ever date him again. Afterwards he told her he would not speak to her again. Which, of course, didnt last long because he would continue to call...and presumably continue to ask her to go back to him (I dont know much about what they talked about honestly beyond what she told me). Anyway...fast forward to today, we havent been dating for awhile (she ended it). Given the above, our relationship didnt have much chance...even though we had a high degree of compatibility (I think we would have done very well if we were both emotionally available). I care about, but Im not sure how I feel about her...I have feelings for her, they are just often more bitter/resentful than anything. Anyway, she seems to act like our relationship was a big mistake, and she has admitted to feeling bitter and resentful towards me as well. Also, she has been for a while hanging out with her ex and has told me she is thinking about dating him again. This concerns me because Im afraid she has gone back to him because she felt so guilty for leaving him in the first place, and that she has always been to weak to really tell him no...even when the odds have been against him (she seemed totally uninterested and disgusted by him when I was dating her) he has been able to persuade her to see him again. I dont know why she is so resentful of me, unless she somehow blames me for all the bad things that happened...blames me for her guilt and for hurting him even more (I really dont know, just speculating). Im just completely bewildered by this girl now... Does it make sense that her guilt and his persistance may have drawn her back to him, and now that she is hanging out with him, she feels less guilty and better about herself...and now feels like she likes him again? And when around me, she is reminded of the past and that is why she is bitter and disliking of me? Also, how many girls who really truly like a guy, would week after week only think about dating him...even when he has been clear that he wants to date her? Lastly, given that breaking contact with this girl means losing alot of other friends (all but 1 or 2 of my active friends)...any suggestions on what can be done to sway her from dating her ex again? I dont want to convince her, or force her into not going back, but somehow show her that there are alot better choices for her to make... PS Id appreciate no cliche' 'just move on' posts...we see each other alot and its best for both of us to at least get things to where we are ok with each other.
alwayshurt Posted November 10, 2007 Posted November 10, 2007 Does it make sense that her guilt and his persistance may have drawn her back to him, and now that she is hanging out with him, she feels less guilty and better about herself...and now feels like she likes him again? And when around me, she is reminded of the past and that is why she is bitter and disliking of me? Also, how many girls who really truly like a guy, would week after week only think about dating him...even when he has been clear that he wants to date her? Lastly, given that breaking contact with this girl means losing alot of other friends (all but 1 or 2 of my active friends)...any suggestions on what can be done to sway her from dating her ex again? I dont want to convince her, or force her into not going back, but somehow show her that there are alot better choices for her to make. Well, I don't think there is much you can do. You cannot control other people's feelings to drag them back to you or worse to tell them who they have to date. If she has decided she wants to date the ex again, she will and you should just step back and let her do. Whatever the real reason is. Honestly, i think her feelings for him where just put on pause for the problems they had including the difference in religion. His gesture probably unpaused those feelings and dragged her back to him and and to justify her actions she is making you feel guilty. or perhaps, she just tells you these things so that you will hate her and leave her alone because she does not want you in her life. I know you don't want to hear that but you should move on and let her be. Also you said that you are not sure about your feelings for her. So why would you go through this if you're not even sure you love her. Is it possible it's your ego that is driving your thoughts?
Crestfallen_KH Posted November 10, 2007 Posted November 10, 2007 I hate to say it, but considering how quickly she entered into a new relationship with you after the demise of her last long-term relationship, you are a victim of the "rebound relationship." These often don't last long and usually end exactly as you've described. There's probably not much you're going to be able to do here. Just chalk it up to experience and focus on yourself. You're not going to be able to "convince" her to do what you want her to do, and it's wrong of you try. You cannot control her. I wish I could say otherwise, but you were learning experience for her. Next time I would just caution you to avoid entering into a relationship with someone so newly out of one.
Author KUME06 Posted November 10, 2007 Author Posted November 10, 2007 She insists that it was no rebound relationship and that she wanted it to work. No idea if she is really telling the truth or deceiving herself. I have no desire to convince her of anything...and regardless of how I feel, my intentions never change. That and I dont think I can do anything more wrong than her ex who wouldnt leave her alone. Anyway, its just confusing...I just dont understand this girl who acts completely resigned to her fate when she says she no longer has a reason to not date him. Not excited, not happy...just like she has no choice at all. It scares me.
lovelorcet Posted November 10, 2007 Posted November 10, 2007 I know this is not what you are looking for but "get over it." You were a rebound relationship for her... I don't care what she says, learn your lesson and move on. This girl: 1. Has no clue what she wants. 2. Seems too immature for serious relationships. Again, learn your lesson. Why are you so worried about her guilt? It makes you sound really whine. What you should do is just be cool and leave her alone. No need to be bitter or resentful you will just be wasting your energy.
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