slygambler Posted November 9, 2007 Posted November 9, 2007 Well, I've been reading quite a few things on this forum. There are a lot of great people on this website and I was hoping to get some views and also subconciously hoping for some words of advice/support. My last relationship ended yesterday, officially. Unfortunately, I'm the one who finally called it off and asked for no contact. First, I'll go ahead and give a very brief summary of the relationship. I realize that you guys will need to know more as you want to put your 10 cents in, and please don't be afraid to ask. Although diving into some of these memories might make me a bit weak, I do understand the importance of reviewing a failed relationship and the reasons why instead of just dwelling on when it happened and is the hurt going to end. EDIT: I realize 6 months isn't a long time to some of you, but some of the things we've been through have made this 6 months seem like 5 years. Although it was short in some people's definitions, it was a very intense relationship, so please treat it as such. I'm 22 years old, the same age as her. We dated approximately 6 months, of which I was informed she had a problem with lying before we started dating. (I wasn't informed of the severity of it though) The first 2 months felt as if I were in heaven. After that, it became apparent that some of her stories, including present and past events, were just not adding up. After realizing and having solid proof that she lied about a lot of things, ranging from lying about men, ex lovers, and what she ate for lunch... (if she even ate..). Over the course of our relationship (and to this day), I am still finding out lies that she told. I also realized that in reality, I probably only caught about 10% of her lies. Even to this day, she says she knows she had a problem, and she was only lying about things to protect my feelings, or to just not deal with what she thought could have been a future problem. Ultimately, I finally couldn't take enough of her lies. I told her that I still love and care for her deeply, but I just can't trust what she says to me anymore. Living each day trying to figure out if what she said that day was the truth was spiraling me into resentment for her and fueling my already-rocky trust issues with her. Although there were many lies, the one that broke the straw on the camels back was her communication with her ex sexfriend. (I don't know if i should post the f-buddy word on here?) I told her that I understand she has a history with him and I didn't mind them contacting each other during our relationship, as long as it is a platonic relationship and I was at least told about it. Needless to say, after lying about when they talked, what they did and where they go, and finding the truth that she was still calling and texting him without ever even hinting it toward me, I confronted her. I told her that because she couldn't respect me enough to let me know about him and their interactions together (she made me stop talking to certain girls because of her jealously), that I was starting to doubt her love for me. She said, and I didn't instigate it in any way, that she would cut off contact with him for me. Now, I don't have any proof and she denies ever cheating on me, I do believe she has. Her last time she contacted him, not the other way around, was when she was exercising her unemployment habit again and she called him aout 30 minutes after I had left for work. I was under the impression she was out looking for jobs. Yes, it's minor, but coupled with ALL of the other lies and also questioning her about what they really talked about (I 100% believe she lied to me about what they talked about.), I couldn't take it. She had said (a few days after confronting her) that she saw him broken down on the side of the road and called to see how he was. After questioning what was wrong with his car (she didn't know, though she claims she asked what was wrong...), who came to get him (she didn't know, although she claims she asked), and what car he was driving (she hesitated, and finally STUTTERED out "a purple xxxxx". (xxxx = type of car, I can't remember exactly). All in all, the relationship ended. I've been trying to cope, and I realize this isn't a healthly relationship, hence me breaking it off. However, this is the first day of NC, and I'm going crazy. See, besides her lying, she really was a good person. Ok, I just realized that I was just about to go off on everything I liked about the relationship and her, and I don't think I should, so I deleted it. I don't know what to do. The last couple things said to each other (it's been about 2 days of "breaking up") were that we love each other. She maintains that she never cheated on me and loves me with all of her heart. She continues to promise no more lies, although she's done that to every lie I've caught. During those few break up days, she's made it clear and so have I, that being friends would be too painful for us both. Even though I am the one who ended the relationship, I feel horrible. The thing is, besides lying and possible infidelity, she was what I was looking for in a relationship. That's why it makes it so hard. I know I love and care for her still. I do wish the best for her, but in no way will I be able to be friends with her and hear stories of new romances and what not, and be able to handle it. Sometimes I find myself wondering "What if she is right? What if I call right now, take her back, and believe she won't lie? Am I setting myself up again? Should I call? Should I text?" I guess I'm just an emotional mess right now. Unfortunately, I met her though a good friend of mine (my only friend, only person i've trusted since moving out to this location a few years back), and because of this relationship, I've decided to reduce my friendship with him to be more of an acquaintance, just for her. I don't really have anyone to vent or talk to, and now you know my ulterior motive for posting. I just....am lost.
michael d Posted November 16, 2007 Posted November 16, 2007 hey man- she has a problem. possibly some type of psychological issue. if you love her, take her to see someone. a professional ! she needs it. offer to go to counseling with her to work on "our problems". she may not go if you say "you need help". tell her "we need help" and let a pro show you both what is up. it's the ONLY hope here. if you love her in spite of her trips then you MUST try to help her. good luck and remember you care about her and want to help her. good luck. mike d
ImaManDammit Posted November 16, 2007 Posted November 16, 2007 As a victim of a former complusive liar. Even when they say they are not going to lie, the still can and probably will. because she says, "I promise that I will never lie again or be open and honest with you" doesn't mean she will actually do it. And then you'll be on the defensive and get the guilt trip about not trusting her. My ex actually guilted me into taking anger management classes, because I was always accussing her of lieing and getting angry and upset, and that I should take care of that issue if I want to be with her. ROTFL can you believe that? So if she loves you, and recognizes she has a problem. She needs to agree to fix it and he fixing has to be more than just words. It has to be action. If she goes to see a counsellor GO WITH HER THE FIRST TIME. Because she says she goes doesn't mean she actually will. Hope this was of some help.
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