serendip Posted November 9, 2007 Posted November 9, 2007 ...when it does us no good. There is no point to it. All it does is prevent us from moving on with our lives. But yet we feel incline to...it's the hardest thing to shake. I still after 5 months since the break up....have a somewhat of a desire to contact the ex. I know it won't do me any good, we've said everything that needed to be said. But it's almost like a drug habbit....just when you think you've kicked it...something draws you back in.
Spinderella Posted November 9, 2007 Posted November 9, 2007 I think sometimes people can get stuck into a self destructive pattern. If you still feel like this then you need to find an answer to help you with the rest of your life and self.
lexi29 Posted November 9, 2007 Posted November 9, 2007 I think we forget how bad it will make us feel afteward and since we spend pretty much every damn moment of every day (or at least it feels like it) thinking of our exes we want them to be reminded of the fact that we still exist because we want them to think of us too.
Author serendip Posted November 9, 2007 Author Posted November 9, 2007 But if you truely loved and cared for one another...you would let each other go
bigheartkindsoul Posted November 9, 2007 Posted November 9, 2007 I have never had the urge to break NC, so it is possible. I dodn't want to speak to him or see him, don't get me wrong the whole break up thing hurt alot but I get I was not going to humiliate myself anymore than I had already or beg anymore than the day after he broke it off and I went round there. That to me was the icing on the not so sweet cake, that made me decide I need to not contact you, I need to do this for me, and at the time too hurt you back so you realise your not so god dam wonderful as you think.
marty Posted November 10, 2007 Posted November 10, 2007 i think it depends on the emotional investment you put into the relationship. doesnt matter if you were together 2 months or 10 years,, if that person filled your body with all those lovely feel good hormones to a huge extent, its that which fires the urge to contact your ex. i do believe that for the first few weeks, it can be a genuine desire to try and make things right and salvage the relationship,, but after a certain amount of time, when deep down you realise its over, feeling somewhat alone (even if your with someone else), your system yearns for that 'hit'. we're looking for that 'hit' again, not even thinkin ,or caring,that its gonna be bad for us. i think it takes a long time for all that emotional fueled chemistry to even itself out. in my experience, i dont want my ex back, i know it was a toxic relationship, but still from time to time, i look for that feeling again. makes no sense at all, but its really hard not to send an email or something. i just ask myself,,,, "is it 'her' i want to contact, or is it that 'feeling' in my system i want to contact". answering that reminds me that one day i will get that feeling back, but with someone even more special.
wowIlose Posted November 11, 2007 Posted November 11, 2007 Time and emotional investment go hand in hand. So I'll have to disagree with your first statement. You see a 2 month relationship can still hurt but the healing process is nothing compared to years. At this point you can't do anything without being reminded of your EX because over years you did everything together. Holidays, birthdays, vacations, weekends and most likely lived together, shared the same bed (in my case). So to get to the main question at hand.. why do we feel the need to contact? I think its because we miss the days we spent together when everything was so good and are constantly reminded by our daily activities what we no longer have.
Blue Eyed Brain Posted November 11, 2007 Posted November 11, 2007 Time and emotional investment go hand in hand. So I'll have to disagree with your first statement. You see a 2 month relationship can still hurt but the healing process is nothing compared to years. At this point you can't do anything without being reminded of your EX because over years you did everything together. Holidays, birthdays, vacations, weekends and most likely lived together, shared the same bed (in my case). So to get to the main question at hand.. why do we feel the need to contact? I think its because we miss the days we spent together when everything was so good and are constantly reminded by our daily activities what we no longer have. Nicely stated.
Rowen Posted November 11, 2007 Posted November 11, 2007 Serendip.... have they not contacted you at all?
Grace112 Posted November 11, 2007 Posted November 11, 2007 I agree. I spent the past 5 years with my ex-fiancee and it's hard to go through my daily motions without thinking about him in some way. It's easy to physically move away from someone, but trying to move them out of your heart is another story. When someone is so intimately connected to your day in and day out for several years, how can you easily disconnect your heart and your memories? I've been struggling all week because I so badly want to reconcile with him. Going from believing I was going to spend the rest of my life with him to not seeing or hearing him for the past 3 months has been devastating. Maybe that need to contact him/her is just a symptom of disbelief.
your star Posted November 11, 2007 Posted November 11, 2007 serendip, i'm in month 5 of the breakup as well. I know exactly what you are feeling right now.. sometimes I feel like I'm doing well then I get this sudden urge and have to fight myself not to do it. I know I won't get the response I want. hang in there, lord knows I'm trying...
marty Posted November 11, 2007 Posted November 11, 2007 Time and emotional investment go hand in hand. So I'll have to disagree with your first statement. You see a 2 month relationship can still hurt but the healing process is nothing compared to years. At this point you can't do anything without being reminded of your EX because over years you did everything together. Holidays, birthdays, vacations, weekends and most likely lived together, shared the same bed (in my case). So to get to the main question at hand.. why do we feel the need to contact? I think its because we miss the days we spent together when everything was so good and are constantly reminded by our daily activities what we no longer have. which kinda proves my point. you want to contact because, bottom line, you want all that back. the way it all made you feel. all that which you have lost ,the love, the laughter, the tears, the companionship, you want back. the only problem is,,,,,, they dont. i have a question, Other than for practical purposes ,(ie children etc), do we want contact from our ex's AFTER we have found new love?
bigheartkindsoul Posted November 11, 2007 Posted November 11, 2007 which kinda proves my point. you want to contact because, bottom line, you want all that back. the way it all made you feel. all that which you have lost ,the love, the laughter, the tears, the companionship, you want back. the only problem is,,,,,, they dont. i have a question, Other than for practical purposes ,(ie children etc), do we want contact from our ex's AFTER we have found new love? Answer: don't want it now, don't want it when I find new love, do not ever want to hear from him again.
Trialbyfire Posted November 11, 2007 Posted November 11, 2007 ...when it does us no good. There is no point to it. All it does is prevent us from moving on with our lives. But yet we feel incline to...it's the hardest thing to shake. I still after 5 months since the break up....have a somewhat of a desire to contact the ex. I know it won't do me any good, we've said everything that needed to be said. But it's almost like a drug habbit....just when you think you've kicked it...something draws you back in. If I feel a desire to contact an Ex while trying to heal, I work through it logically. What do I hope to accomplish with this? If there's nothing gained beyond having a weak moment, I'll ruthlessly, even brutally suppress the urge. It's called conditional reflexes...
frd150 Posted November 12, 2007 Posted November 12, 2007 Time and emotional investment go hand in hand. So I'll have to disagree with your first statement. You see a 2 month relationship can still hurt but the healing process is nothing compared to years. At this point you can't do anything without being reminded of your EX because over years you did everything together. Holidays, birthdays, vacations, weekends and most likely lived together, shared the same bed (in my case). So to get to the main question at hand.. why do we feel the need to contact? I think its because we miss the days we spent together when everything was so good and are constantly reminded by our daily activities what we no longer have. Wow, Said the same thing to someone recently. Ive had the 2 month relationship and let me tell ya the healing process was nothing like my lost 3 year relationship. for me it was second to experiencing a death. A bit dramatic but it is the best way i can describe it. The holidays are upon us and it worries me. It was such a big part of us. I figure it this way... if we can get through a years worth of milestones then the its all downhill after that. Im checking them off the calender one by one. Now I have a question: what if the dumper continually contacts the dumpee using any excuse to do so but with no real movement forward, what is one to make of that? Bigheart- I have a good friend from your town. He lives here in Cali.
wowIlose Posted November 12, 2007 Posted November 12, 2007 Your ex probably wants to be "friends". To me it sounds like the good old "I am going to keep you on a string" game Put some distance between you two, don't pick up her call or don't be as responsive and see how she acts.
Rowen Posted November 12, 2007 Posted November 12, 2007 Your ex probably wants to be "friends". To me it sounds like the good old "I am going to keep you on a string" game Put some distance between you two, don't pick up her call or don't be as responsive and see how she acts. It could also be .... They want to keep contact but are scared to contact you for fear of rejection if they want you back. Ive experienced that before. My ex wanted me back but was scared to death of contacting me becuase I went into NC for a few weeks and she thought I would reject her.
Rowen Posted November 12, 2007 Posted November 12, 2007 She eventually told you this? YES. Ironically enough, she just got dumped by her long time BF and has admitted she would like to try again with me and was scared earlier after we had broke up. We had a 2 year relationship. We've been talking lots about our recent situations and shes grown closer to me again. I dont want to enter a relationship with her though.
frd150 Posted November 12, 2007 Posted November 12, 2007 Your ex probably wants to be "friends". To me it sounds like the good old "I am going to keep you on a string" game Put some distance between you two, don't pick up her call or don't be as responsive and see how she acts. Thats how I see it,Its the only way I can see it till Im proven differently. The other day she pointed out how I never call her anymore sorta in a nervous way. Ever since I threw my heart out there for her to stomp on Ive made few attempts (very few) to contact. Distance. Rowan you could be right also. She could be doing the same as your girl but I cannot take the rejection again either. She left and I tried to make things right and she said she wanted to be on her own. She dosent have to be scared. Back to the op's question: Maybe if we are not so compeled to contact our exs the will turn and be compeled to contact us. Blesing or a curse who knows? I just keep myself occupied so I am not so compeled.
nitelifeguy Posted November 16, 2007 Posted November 16, 2007 I halted my urges to call my soon to be ex-W...I found out that one call leads to follow-up's and it gets more and more intense..The arguing and having to hear things that would hurt anyone...There is no sense or upside to this...After now a month,my W is still angry and spiteful and no amount of voluntary contact is going to change that...I'm leaving her be...Not even responding to messages....Cause each time it messes me up real bad and I lose focus on everything else...Not worth it....I'm trying to convince myself that she's dead to me for what she's done to me and leave it at that and move on...
LoisLane Posted November 16, 2007 Posted November 16, 2007 ...when it does us no good. There is no point to it. All it does is prevent us from moving on with our lives. But yet we feel incline to...it's the hardest thing to shake. I still after 5 months since the break up....have a somewhat of a desire to contact the ex. I know it won't do me any good, we've said everything that needed to be said. But it's almost like a drug habbit....just when you think you've kicked it...something draws you back in. It's pretty easy to answer that. Some people are just weak.
MrMichael Posted December 5, 2007 Posted December 5, 2007 It's easy to physically move away from someone, but trying to move them out of your heart is another story yeah, I relate to this...I had to pry myself away from the environment like a crowbar pulling a bent rusty nail. and STILL couldnt forget her, let me tell you, 1400 miles doesnt do jack for forgetting when you have their words ringing in your head, and every flippin song on th radio remind you of them I usually write e mails, and then decide nt to send them, maybe I am just venting and when i put her e mail address in but dont hit "send" it make it more personal, we break N/C because we long for things to be right again, simple as that, and when your heart hurts, you could give 2 sh-t-z about looking like a moron.
MacgyverThis Posted December 5, 2007 Posted December 5, 2007 I don't think it's like a drug or anything like that. Feelings for someone else are not like a lightswitch, you can't just turn them on and off. I like to think about the end of a relationship like cutting grass or cutting down a tree. Something is always left and it always tries to grow back. When you se a realtionship ending, be prepared for alot of hurt and longing. It's when they say stuff like I can't be with you because I hurt you too much that really messes you up...
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