amaysngrace Posted November 9, 2007 Posted November 9, 2007 My BF and I have been together a year and a half. We're both divorced. We've had the marriage talks before but it was kind of like a hypothetical. So it was okay. Last night he tells me how much he loves me. How he knows he could never love anybody the way he loves me. We are right for each other. I feel the same way. Hearing him pour his heart out to me was endearing. The way he expressed himself was simply precious. Beautiful. Then he mentions marriage. He wants to take it to the next level. He wants to lay with me next to him every night. He wants that security of knowing we'll always be there for each other. By getting married. I am against the whole idea of marriage. I think it's unnatural and unrealistic. I think it's what people do to fit the norm. I've never been one to do something just because others do it. I do what I want. Yes I love him and yes I'd spend time with him, but once it becomes marriage to me it's like serving a life sentence. You lose the choice. I know I should just focus on the goodness. How he brought it up and all really was sweet. But for some reason I feel like he took all the fun out of our relationship by being this way. I feel like now I have expectations placed on me. I feel like ours is a boring relationship. Just like that. Overnight. What is wrong with me? How can I take a very special moment and ruin it like this inside my head?
melodymatters Posted November 9, 2007 Posted November 9, 2007 Well, first off AG, you need to accept the fact that while your feelings are valid, they are also irrational. The relationship can't just magically change to bad and boring because of one discussion of a concept. Thats almost a phobic reaction. You certainly don't have to get married, and perhaps yout BF will settle for a compromise ( buy a house together, live together, give each other commitment rings etc) Just be honest with him about how you feel, and don't sabotage a good thing out of fear of a concept. Good luck !
Cobra_X30 Posted November 9, 2007 Posted November 9, 2007 Yes I love him and yes I'd spend time with him, but once it becomes marriage to me it's like serving a life sentence. You lose the choice. I know I should just focus on the goodness. How he brought it up and all really was sweet. But for some reason I feel like he took all the fun out of our relationship by being this way. I feel like now I have expectations placed on me. I feel like ours is a boring relationship. Just like that. Overnight. What is wrong with me? How can I take a very special moment and ruin it like this inside my head? The only difference between marriage and what your doing now is a piece of paper, and a financial agreement. If you cant seriously look him in the eye and say you want to be with him forever... thats your issue right there. I dont know why your previous marriage failed, but it seems you have some unresolved issues from that! The idea that Marriage = Boring is hardly correct. At some point your going to have to make a committment to him. He wants to know that your not just using him for the moment. You need to be able to give him something for the future... he wouldnt ask for it if you didnt make him nervous in some way!
blind_otter Posted November 9, 2007 Posted November 9, 2007 amay, I'm with you. The thought of marriage leaves me cold. My SO wants to get married, so I keep stringing him along telling him that if he's still around in 2015 I'll get married. Marriage isn't for everyone, nor should it be. IMO it's an antiquated institution originally designed to facilitate the transfer of property between the husband and the father of the bride.
Author amaysngrace Posted November 9, 2007 Author Posted November 9, 2007 Well, first off AG, you need to accept the fact that while your feelings are valid, they are also irrational. The relationship can't just magically change to bad and boring because of one discussion of a concept. This is very true. I'm twisted in my thinking. I need to keep thinking like the whole conversation never occured. And get back to happy.
Author amaysngrace Posted November 9, 2007 Author Posted November 9, 2007 At some point your going to have to make a committment to him. He wants to know that your not just using him for the moment. You need to be able to give him something for the future... he wouldnt ask for it if you didnt make him nervous in some way! Do you know what he said? He said last night "He's afraid I'll get bored of him. He doesn't ever want that to happen." Then he brings up marriage. I've already made a commitment to him. I've been with him for a year and a half. I'm not going anywhere. He knows that...at least I think he does.
Cobra_X30 Posted November 9, 2007 Posted November 9, 2007 Do you know what he said? He said last night "He's afraid I'll get bored of him. He doesn't ever want that to happen." Then he brings up marriage. I've already made a commitment to him. I've been with him for a year and a half. I'm not going anywhere. He knows that...at least I think he does. If he already believes that, then why is he asking for reassurance from you? That is a very interesting turn of phrase for him to use. The fear of you getting bored with him, should tell you something signifigant!
Author amaysngrace Posted November 9, 2007 Author Posted November 9, 2007 The fear of you getting bored with him, should tell you something signifigant! Oh yeah like what? Because I really don't know what he could mean by that. The fact that I'm still into him a year and a half later should say something for itself. I usually get bored pretty easily with guys. But I'm as into him as I've ever been. I am so not good at relationships. I screw up every one. By my carefree attitude. It's just that this one means more to me than any I've ever had before. I truly love him.
Cobra_X30 Posted November 9, 2007 Posted November 9, 2007 Oh yeah like what? Because I really don't know what he could mean by that. The fact that I'm still into him a year and a half later should say something for itself. I usually get bored pretty easily with guys. But I'm as into him as I've ever been. I am so not good at relationships. I screw up every one. By my carefree attitude. It's just that this one means more to me than any I've ever had before. I truly love him. When a guy says that he is saying that he doesnt trust your intentions. That he fears true intimacy with you. Children get bored with toys, then get new ones. The implication is there that you have a cavalier attitude towards him, that your feelings do not run that deep. My friend is in the middle of his 5th divorce. Yes 5 and he isnt even 40 yet. The guy absolutely cannot express the depths of his feelings, for anyone. He consistently tells me... "well, she should just know that I love her". Caring is Sharing.
michaelk Posted November 9, 2007 Posted November 9, 2007 grace, I agree with you. You shouldn't need to be married. If you're planning on having kids, I think that's a different matter. But unless you're a big believer in marriage, the paper won't make you more or less committed to the relationship. This is what your SO needs to understand. That while the marriage may make him feel assured that you'll be there next to him every night, it's a false sense of security. Every day, each of us makes the choice to stay in our relationship - or not - all over again. If he's really worried that you're going to leave, the question is why? Is it that he's overly needy and insecure to begin with? Or is your behavior or past history making him feel that way? IMO, these are the issues you need to address.
Author amaysngrace Posted November 10, 2007 Author Posted November 10, 2007 Thanks guys. Well I do want to marry him. I would like to spend my life with him. I've been sitting here crying for the past hour or so trying to make sense to myself. I should be so happy today. Not afraid and sad. I've always been a commitment phobe. So things like this aren't easy for me. Right now I feel like I have a handle on my emotions. For now anyway. And I'm going to have a heart-to-heart with my man tonight so he knows how big of an issue this is for me. I don't want to hurt him or our relationship. So I need to face this finally. Because trying to fool myself and not dealing with this problem of mine is a cop-out I think. It's an easy catch-term I've used to avoid getting close to others. And I'd like it to end. It keeps getting me nowhere. So thank you everyone. I am so exhausted mentally right now. But I think I've drawn the conclusion that labeling yourself is a choice too. Same as deciding to be married to someone. I can choose to have a good marriage by making it my choice. If I give it all I've got then nobody can ever take that from me. If I do so willingly. Fighting my fears was insanity. Trying to pretend they didn't exist was worse yet. Facing them is progress for me. Finally I'm happy. XO
PoshPrincess Posted November 10, 2007 Posted November 10, 2007 Thanks guys. Well I do want to marry him. I would like to spend my life with him. Why the sudden turnaround from not believing in marriage? I'm just interested as you seemed so dead against it before. Are you now panicking because you think your BF might leave you if you DON'T want to get married? Is it because he wants children, so if you can't give him marriage then he will find someone who can? My BF has mentioned marriage a few times. I have told him straight that it is not going to happen, and neither is living together. He seems accepting of that now, although I have told him I would understand if he wanted to find someone who would commit to him. Just make sure if you do decide to marry him you are doing it for the right reasons!
Racquel Colette Posted November 10, 2007 Posted November 10, 2007 Why the sudden turnaround from not believing in marriage? I'm just interested as you seemed so dead against it before. Are you now panicking because you think your BF might leave you if you DON'T want to get married? Is it because he wants children, so if you can't give him marriage then he will find someone who can? My BF has mentioned marriage a few times. I have told him straight that it is not going to happen, and neither is living together. He seems accepting of that now, although I have told him I would understand if he wanted to find someone who would commit to him. Just make sure if you do decide to marry him you are doing it for the right reasons! You can't really call him your boyfriend if you can't commit to him, though. So, he is free to go out with other women. How would you like that?
Author amaysngrace Posted November 10, 2007 Author Posted November 10, 2007 Why the sudden turnaround from not believing in marriage? I'm just interested as you seemed so dead against it before. Are you now panicking because you think your BF might leave you if you DON'T want to get married? If my BF wants to leave me he will leave me. I have no control over that so to answer your question, no I'm not staying out of fear of him leaving. I was thinking that maybe this thinking of mine is wrong. I decided as a pretty young kid that I'd never get married. When I was about 15 or so I decided I didn't even ever want to have a boyfriend. I just was going to f*ck around with as many guys as I could. This way I'd never have to be close to somebody. It probably all stems from self-esteem issues. I think when I decided this I didn't think I was worth getting close to. That I wouldn't be liked if they got too close. And really knew about me. I was molested at 7. At 17 I developed an eating disorder. I think I probably have trust issues too. Like if somebody likes me for me then how can I trust that person? Obviously they're no good. I feel so alone right now. I wanted to talk to my BF about this last night so he knows how I feel but he was too drunk to talk to. I'm just having another bad day.
Cobra_X30 Posted November 10, 2007 Posted November 10, 2007 I think I probably have trust issues too. Like if somebody likes me for me then how can I trust that person? Obviously they're no good. There is so much truth in what you just posted! You definitly deserve someone who loves you for who you are. Like I said before, its not marriage that is at issue here. Its the comittment that comes with it. Thats the truth of what your boyfriend is looking for. He just wants to see you deep down want to be with him, not just right now, but in the years to come also. That you would not mind calling him your husand... ect. I know your urge is to push people away, because letting them in opens you up to a world of hurt, but if you take that risk it can open a whole new universe of happiness. Hey, your a good person, and your headed down the right track here!
Author amaysngrace Posted November 10, 2007 Author Posted November 10, 2007 Thanks Cobra. Right now I am dealing with all those things I've been supressing for years and years. I'd rather be spending my time doing other things right now. But I feel like I've come so far that I want it resolved now. I want it to be over. I want to have a fresh outlook and see things differently than I had before. I am tired of burying my head in the sand. Trouble is I have no idea how to make that happen. Well I'm sure that I do somewhere in the back of my head but right now it feels like it's a concept out of my reach. I can't grasp it. And I just want to take it and choke the sh*t out of it. Except I can't get a hold of it.
Zapbasket Posted November 10, 2007 Posted November 10, 2007 Like I said before, its not marriage that is at issue here. Its the comittment that comes with it. Thats the truth of what your boyfriend is looking for. He just wants to see you deep down want to be with him, not just right now, but in the years to come also. But, Cobra, how does she show that? How does she convince him that she's not just going to get bored with him the way she has with other guys in the past? Amaysngrace, I agree with Cobra that you sound like you're on the right track here. You need to tell your boyfriend everything you've said here. If he's worthy of you, he'll fall even more in love with you after hearing these things from you.
GreenEyedLady Posted November 11, 2007 Posted November 11, 2007 I'm very intrigued by the responses...I wonder what the advice would be if it were a man with the very same question? OP: Don't feel like you have to get M...When it's the right time, you'll feel it...Did he know your feelings on M before you got together? Is it a religious thing for him? I feel so bad for all the trauma you have experienced... ((HUGS))
Cobra_X30 Posted November 12, 2007 Posted November 12, 2007 Thanks Cobra. Right now I am dealing with all those things I've been supressing for years and years. I'd rather be spending my time doing other things right now. But I feel like I've come so far that I want it resolved now. I want it to be over. I want to have a fresh outlook and see things differently than I had before. I am tired of burying my head in the sand. Trouble is I have no idea how to make that happen. Well I'm sure that I do somewhere in the back of my head but right now it feels like it's a concept out of my reach. I can't grasp it. And I just want to take it and choke the sh*t out of it. Except I can't get a hold of it. Yes, it's about balance. If you run from your past, then you live too much in the present, yet if you dwell on the past, the present becomes too distant. Your most likely dealing with fear. We as humans learn by association. If you are shocked every time you eat, you will associate eating with the pain of bieng shocked. You past is no different. This is very hard to tackle on your own. Dont feel like a failure for not having fixed this already, because your not. It isnt easy by any stretch of the imagination. In regards to your BF. Honest communication should be the solution. You love him and want to be with him... tell him. It's very scary to share your fears and hopes with someone you care deeply for. However, when he understands why you think and feel the way you do, he will understand. If he doesnt... you dont want to be with a man who wont understand you! Caring is Sharing! I'm very intrigued by the responses...I wonder what the advice would be if it were a man with the very same question? I dont think this issue is gender specific.
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