bigheartkindsoul Posted November 9, 2007 Posted November 9, 2007 Well heres the thing, I get told lots I am beautiful, I am pretty, I am lovely, he is a lucky fella even by my customers blah blah. Yet I never feel good enough.....I never feel enough. I know why........When I was in my 9 Mum married my ex Step Father, turns out he didn't really like females and kick the shat out of my Mum and me because we just got in the way of him getting to my older Brother. So basically I was never good enough, and I was never going to be whatever I did or didn't do, I just was never ever going to be good enough and he made sure I knew this verbal and physical abuse. Right up until the divorce was finalised, I was 16 by this point. Clearly a very influential time of my life. Know here comes the science bit comes in.........so I know that this impacts on how I subconciously feel about myself and about myself in relationships I know this, but I don't know how to alter my subconciousness on this matter. I try affirmations I try to tell myself often the good things about myself, I try and think and take in when someone gives me a compliment. So great I have great insight as too why, now I need to know how to change it permantly. This is something that has been happening for years so one thing won't just change it. It's a though thing to explain fully but have tried my best above. Does anyone know any tips, has anyone been through similar and come through totally the other side???
Author bigheartkindsoul Posted November 9, 2007 Author Posted November 9, 2007 It might be worth noting also that from 22 to 28 I was in another abusive relationship which also sent my confidence nose diving but have gained that back, its just the subconcious stuff I need help with.
MsArtful Posted November 9, 2007 Posted November 9, 2007 I'm not sure if this could really apply to your situation, but it is similar in nature. I used to be quiet and introverted and I had two sets of friends. I really liked both and wanted to go between the two and be well liked as a part of them in both. One set of friends treated me like crap really, and I felt as though if I wanted to be friends with them I had to make jokes, it was like doing a stand up comedy act. With the other set of friends I could just be myself. I finally decided one day that if I wanted to mature into a healthy and confident adult I would need to ditch the bad friends and go with the ones that liked me for me.(And in the end their friendship was much more rewarding) That boosted my self esteem and confidence by leaps and bounds, and made those "bad" friends respect me and treat me much better, and we're still good friends these days because of it. Also, I read an article which said that when you pretend to be confident every day, and just act confident you will eventually be confident, and so thats what I did every day, I walked into that school with my shoulders back, my head held high, and with a gleaming smile to let everyone know that I was confident and I loved myself and they couldn't hurt me. And it worked, when you do something for ages it just becomes habit, it becomes a part of you and one day you realise that you've changed yourself for the better. You have to think positively about yourself. Nowa days when a negative thought pops into my head like "you're so ugly" or "you're such a bitch" I think "no i'm not, I'm beatiful, I rock" and it makes it go away. If you follow that negative thought it leads you into a stream of negative thinking that will leave you depressed and down, so stop it in its tracks. You are not only "good enough" you are excellent, you are amazing, you are out of this world:) Hold yourself like you believe it, stop negative thinking, think about your positive traits. All these things help. Love yourself and don't let anyone make you feel like you are below them or not worthy, because you ARE and more. Don't let your stepdad have the final victory over you, fight back, the only reason he trod you and your mother down was because he himself felt inadequate, build up your self esteem from scratch if you have to. You can do it, you can do anything and be anyone you like, all it takes is believing in yourself.
MsArtful Posted November 9, 2007 Posted November 9, 2007 It might be worth noting also that from 22 to 28 I was in another abusive relationship which also sent my confidence nose diving but have gained that back, its just the subconcious stuff I need help with. If you actually don't feel good enough, then it isn't subconcious. And remember all that "positive thinking" jazz gets sent to your subconcious aswell, you just have to be persistent.
Author bigheartkindsoul Posted November 9, 2007 Author Posted November 9, 2007 I swear I do the positive thinking thing, I say to myself often good things to myself about myself. However I still don't feel good enough, I think I could be totally confident on a day to day basis but still not feel worthy of love or worthy of the compliments I hear. It's so hard to explain I do like myself, I know my good & great qualities etc like you say but I just don't feel good enough, thats the issue. Because I am trying to prove something (clearly from my past childhood) that I will never be able to prove because I cannot change how others feel/are. It's fcked up I know.
MsArtful Posted November 9, 2007 Posted November 9, 2007 I kind of know what you are getting at... It might be a matter of digging deep and finding out what the core of the situation is? You know it's to do with your step father and his conditioning your self esteem and thought patterns... It might be just a matter of time and persistence to condition yourself out of them? I think maybe you still slip back into those thought patterns, the thing is, they don't neccessarily have to be thoughts, and thats what I think you mean, it's just feelings of inadequacey resurfacing from your childhood. The only possible way I can think of to counteract it is indeed through thinking positive and hoping that it will eventually cement into your subconcious and heal the wounds. I'm no expert though. Maybe you need to talk to an expert, like a therapist or councillor and they could give you some techniques.
someone2 Posted November 9, 2007 Posted November 9, 2007 It's fcked up I know. tsk tsk tsk. That's not very positive bigheart. I know it is hard, and I (along with many others I believe) went through the same thing. The fact that you are just bringing this is an indication you are on your way to correct it. Right now, your brain is subconciously trying to change this part about you. The only way things can move from here is uphill.
Author bigheartkindsoul Posted November 9, 2007 Author Posted November 9, 2007 I kind of know what you are getting at... It might be a matter of digging deep and finding out what the core of the situation is? You know it's to do with your step father and his conditioning your self esteem and thought patterns... It might be just a matter of time and persistence to condition yourself out of them? I think maybe you still slip back into those thought patterns, the thing is, they don't neccessarily have to be thoughts, and thats what I think you mean, it's just feelings of inadequacey resurfacing from your childhood. The only possible way I can think of to counteract it is indeed through thinking positive and hoping that it will eventually cement into your subconcious and heal the wounds. I'm no expert though. Maybe you need to talk to an expert, like a therapist or councillor and they could give you some techniques. Lol I did, she told me wow you really do have fantastic insight into your childhood and effect on current problems, this was a shrink, she never told me how to deal and change!!! Grrr Lol
Author bigheartkindsoul Posted November 9, 2007 Author Posted November 9, 2007 tsk tsk tsk. That's not very positive bigheart. I know it is hard, and I (along with many others I believe) went through the same thing. The fact that you are just bringing this is an indication you are on your way to correct it. Right now, your brain is subconciously trying to change this part about you. The only way things can move from here is uphill. Tsk - no your right hun, consider my wrist slapped I quite like your way of looking at it, and I guess being aware of it means I can carry on with challenging the negative thoughts and in the end they will go, suppose just gonna take alot longer than I thought it would.
Yosef Posted November 9, 2007 Posted November 9, 2007 At least you know why you think negatively about yourself. I do it to myself all the time and I don't know why:rolleyes: Convincing yourself that you're a good person is a good way to get over your self-assault. Take into consideration the things your good at, the things that really make you a good person. If you can't think of any, then always look back to who and how many people have told you differently than what you think of yourself. Who would you believe, 20 people that tell you you're great, or just one person, yourself, that tells you you're not. 20 > 1. That all might not be enough to help you out of the hole you find yourself stuck in. Keep asking for help, and someone is bound to have the resources to help you out.
Author bigheartkindsoul Posted November 9, 2007 Author Posted November 9, 2007 Thank you Yosef, very wise words. Dig deep you probably can find out why, but its taken me 20yrs to figure it out from when it all was beginning & happening!!
isntitironic Posted November 9, 2007 Posted November 9, 2007 Recognizing this and the root of it is the first step. Changing is a process its not going to happen over night. You are on your way just let nature take its course
compassion42 Posted November 9, 2007 Posted November 9, 2007 Sorry you are going through this. But like one of the above poster's said-the first step is acknowledging your issue and the healing part will take time. Also something that I like to keep in mind is that through helping others, sometimes we also can help ourselves. I see your posts here as being very supportive and helpful and hopefully you are able to benefit from them yourself.
Author bigheartkindsoul Posted November 10, 2007 Author Posted November 10, 2007 Recognizing this and the root of it is the first step. Changing is a process its not going to happen over night. You are on your way just let nature take its course Yes you are right I guess just carry on with what I am doing which is challenging these thoughts and feelings. Are you in therapy? Not really anymore no. Sorry you are going through this. But like one of the above poster's said-the first step is acknowledging your issue and the healing part will take time. Also something that I like to keep in mind is that through helping others, sometimes we also can help ourselves. I see your posts here as being very supportive and helpful and hopefully you are able to benefit from them yourself. Thank you compassion, you certainly have an apt name you always have such warmth in your posts. Like above i guess now I have identified I can and will continue to challenge and hopefully in time change my habitual thoughts and feelings. Thanks for the compliment, it does help when I write things to others if its apt to me and my situation then I re read it and try to take in myself. xxxxx {{{{{hugs}}}}}
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