Afraid of making a move - not of rejection, but of everything else

[Phateless]

yeah... not really sure where I'm going with this, but I've noticed it's recurring (with different girls and situations) so I thought I'd see what people have to say.

 

with a random hookup, there's nothing at stake, i'm fearless. with a girl i've been spending a lot of time with, (especially if she's in my circle of friends) right at the last minute, i hesitate. i start thinking "do i want to turn this into a hookup? then what? does she want a relationship? what's gonna change?" and i eventually get friend-zoned.

 

It's like I'm afraid to open the pandora's box of feelings on my part and her part.

 

btw, this is a different girl from any of my other threads. i've known her since she was 16 and i was 21 and now she's 21 and i'm 26. she moved into my town about 2-3 months ago and we've been hanging out a lot. i've always felt she had a crush on me. we've talked a bit about relationships and stuff and we're both in a non-committal slight fear of starting something kinda place. she feels she loses interest once she starts dating people and doesn't wanna get involved only to break hearts. I just have girl-ADD in general at the moment.

 

back to my point... left her house at 330 am this morn, we were hanging out and watching house. during the hugs goodbye, as i pulled away, i know i kinda breezed over a definite opportunity to steal a kiss as we slowly parted from a long tight hug. i wanted to kiss her... i just don't know what happens next. i don't know if i want to date her seriously. i don't know if i want to do the casual thing with her. i see her at salsa dancing every week and we hang out about once a week on top of that. she's an expert salsa dancer and of course has flirtations with tons of guys, even though she does nothing with them... but i don't want to put myself through watching her dance with these guys if i'm attached or invested.

 

i dunno, i could ramble forever about this... i think you guys see what i'm driving at.

 

thoughts?

 

oh btw... she's my EX's best friend so she's worth double-points

[Phateless]

Mods - feel free to move this into another forum as you see fit. I really wasn't sure where to put it.

[squeak]

Well now we're talking about the real things behind the waiting... you know how you hear guys say "If I meet the right girl, that's when I'll lose all fear of commitment and go for her" ?

 

I always wondered if that statement was true, or not. So my question for you, Phateless, is I 'm wondering if:

a) she is not the right one for you, in some way and this is where the 7 year hesitation is coming from

 

or

 

b) or deep down you've been preparing for so long because it is just masking fear of commitment and even the right girl can't make you instantly get over that issue.

 

What do you think?

[compassion42]

Take your uncertainty as a sign that you probably are not ready to cross that line between friend and hook up. I think you'll just KNOW when it is the right time and until then, just enjoy your friendship.

[pandagirl]

Maybe *both* of you aren't at the moment in your lives where you can commit to a relationship. People say that when you meet the right person, all the doubts fade away, but I believe that it has to do more with you and if you're at a place in your life where you're ready to have a relationship.

 

It seems like both of you enjoy each other's company, so why don't you keep on hanging out with her, and let things happen as they may?

[Lucky555]

It sounds like you two are having a great time, if you were not attracted to her i don't think that you would be spending so much time with her so think about this, if she decided to start seeing other people and didn't hang out with you anymore, How would you feel? Would you be ok with that and if so then i guess this is just a good person that you enjoy hanging out with. I have guy friends that i can spend time with and they are just friends and I never would consider anything more. However, 3:30 am a bit past the normal friendship hours. lol So, you don't like seeing her with other guys, this is what trust is about and its something that builds and doesn't happen overnight. I think your also safe guarding your feelings and not dealing with your emotions. You could have something here as it sounds, communication about what you want is good to as to not lead her on if you have been asking to hang out with her. If i were you i would just let yourself go and let things be and if you had genuine feelings for her then go for it but if your feelings are still iffy then if she asks, say "i enjoy your company i just don't know what i want right now but if we could continue spending time together i would like that"...now if you don't want to commit then don't sleep with her..or she may want just a casual relationship so you have to see what she wants too. hope this helps.

[Phateless]

Thanks for all the replies guys. Squeak, I think you're onto something with your first theory. She's close, but def. has some disadvantages. I've seen glimpses of her angry side and it's not pretty. I know she can be stubborn. She doesn't like to go out and do the bar thing at all, so she wouldn't come with me very often. We just do totally different things in our free time, and I think she's a serious relationship kind of girl. Not sure how we would make it work. She's pretty damn close, but I don't think she's "the one".

 

The first 5 or so years I knew her I was with my ex-gf so of course nothing would happen then, but I could always see the crush in her eyes. Now... there's nothing really stopping us.

 

I just know that once we start getting physical I'll get a little attached or territorial... I think I'm worried about my own state of mind much more than hers. If she did hook up with another guy I'd be bummed, but it wouldn't be the end of the world.