hopeforlove243 Posted November 9, 2007 Posted November 9, 2007 So, I broke NC today, ya, I know, what am I thinking, but I really want to know why he suddenly wants to downgrade me from girlfriend to friend. This time, I did not get upset, yelling at him like before. He said we are only 65% match, the mismatch part, 10% the way I dress(I like dress in comfortable clothes, he dresses wall street style), 10% religious (I believe in God, and he believes in Budda), 10% sex, and 5% money. He wants to see if he can find someone who matches him more. Surprise to myself, I am not upset, somehow, I feel we still have hope, the way we dress, that could be changed, the religious, we know it from day 1, was never a problem for us. he admits that I match him more than his ex-wife regarding about money, Sex, that can be improved, right? Please tell me, am I going crazy here to think that we still have a chance? What is the % match you think a health relationship should have? Do you believe 100% match? Thanks.
sao2 Posted November 9, 2007 Posted November 9, 2007 I believe when you find someone you want to be with rationale goes out the window. That's just me, if someone told me that same thing he told you I hope I would tell her where she could put those numbers and her calculator. Sorry, maybe you don't mind it when people are so rational about their love life. I personally think that life will throw so many curves at you that I want someone that will want to stay with me even when it doesn't seem like the rational choice. Like it or not, a partnership is not always the rational choice. But then again, what do I know about love? I am heartbroken like most on here.
shadowofman Posted November 9, 2007 Posted November 9, 2007 I like this rationality. I would say that me and my W are 75% a match. Everything except sexual orientation and social behaviors. It is enough for me to irrationally want to stay with her forever and irrationally believe that she will change eventually. I also believe that this is a horrible reason to have hope in our relationship. Life is bleak.
ncpd25 Posted November 9, 2007 Posted November 9, 2007 I don't buy into the whole percentage thing. Of course you want to be with a person that has common interests etc.. but, there's always going to be differences. That's what keeps things interesting and fun. Of course, a person may also have some habits that you may not care for but, that also goes with the territory. I would never sit back and pick somebody apart. I accept them as a whole person. God knows, I'm not perfect. I would hope somebody could accept me for who I am and not have to break me down like I'm a science project. As was said above, I would be more concerned bout somebody standing by me if times were tough. I wouldn't care if they wore jeans as opposed to a cocktail dress.
Spinderella Posted November 9, 2007 Posted November 9, 2007 I don't buy into the whole percentage thing. Of course you want to be with a person that has common interests etc.. but, there's always going to be differences. That's what keeps things interesting and fun. Of course, a person may also have some habits that you may not care for but, that also goes with the territory. I would never sit back and pick somebody apart. I accept them as a whole person. God knows, I'm not perfect. I would hope somebody could accept me for who I am and not have to break me down like I'm a science project. As was said above, I would be more concerned bout somebody standing by me if times were tough. I wouldn't care if they wore jeans as opposed to a cocktail dress. I agree. And only change things if you are unhappy with them.
Author hopeforlove243 Posted November 9, 2007 Author Posted November 9, 2007 I don't buy into the whole percentage thing. Of course you want to be with a person that has common interests etc.. but, there's always going to be differences. That's what keeps things interesting and fun. Of course, a person may also have some habits that you may not care for but, that also goes with the territory. I would never sit back and pick somebody apart. I accept them as a whole person. God knows, I'm not perfect. I would hope somebody could accept me for who I am and not have to break me down like I'm a science project. As was said above, I would be more concerned bout somebody standing by me if times were tough. I wouldn't care if they wore jeans as opposed to a cocktail dress. I myself totally agree with what you said here, I believe I am not perfect, and he is not perfect, but I accept him as a whole person. But obviously, people are different, and I can't blame him for being rational here, because he went through a terrible divorce, and he is scared of being hurt again. Even thought we shared a lots of common interests, the things he listed are our differences, I am ok with those, but he is not, and I still love him, still want to be with him :(
Author hopeforlove243 Posted November 10, 2007 Author Posted November 10, 2007 Any other comments? Thanks.
Trialbyfire Posted November 10, 2007 Posted November 10, 2007 He said we are only 65% match, the mismatch part, 10% the way I dress(I like dress in comfortable clothes, he dresses wall street style), 10% religious (I believe in God, and he believes in Budda), 10% sex, and 5% money. He wants to see if he can find someone who matches him more. The way you dress and your religion were both issues that he would have been aware of when he met you or very soon afterwards. This leaves a potential of 15%, that might have come as a surprise to him. Why not break him down the same way and see how compatible you feel he is. It might surprise you how incompatible you'll find he is. Btw, tell him he should be doing a weighted average based on his imperfections...
Racquel Colette Posted November 10, 2007 Posted November 10, 2007 Buddhists are weirdos. Be glad you dodged that bullet. Look at it that way and move on to a nonweirdo. Anyway that percentages stuff, that is just his way of saying he's just not into you. He is not in love with you. Even if you changed your clothes and reverted to Buddhism, that will not change that basic fact which is: he doesn't love you.
Author hopeforlove243 Posted November 10, 2007 Author Posted November 10, 2007 Buddhists are weirdos. Be glad you dodged that bullet. Look at it that way and move on to a nonweirdo. Anyway that percentages stuff, that is just his way of saying he's just not into you. He is not in love with you. Even if you changed your clothes and reverted to Buddhism, that will not change that basic fact which is: he doesn't love you. I don't really think he is a Buddhist, he used to go church with his ex-wf! I don't think he believes in anything. Ya, you are right, he is not in love with me now, otherwise he won't dump me, but he still wants to be friends, wants to hang out, so I am wondering, if I change a little, be his friend, maybe he would fall in love with me again. Am I kidding myself? I love this guy
Author hopeforlove243 Posted November 11, 2007 Author Posted November 11, 2007 This weekend is one of the worst weekend I had, I am soooooooooo depressed, all because I called him twice yesterday, to see if he is getting better from his sickness, and he didn't call me back. All I can think about is that he is with his new girlfriend, why do I care about him so much? he obviously has someone else to take care of him now. I kick myself for breaking NC now, but I miss him so much, and miss his cat too. I couldn't sleep last night, just crying & crying :(
Suny1 Posted November 11, 2007 Posted November 11, 2007 Think maybe hes just telling you hes sick so you won't bother him? Its probably better that you stick to the NC, talking to him just makes the emotional rollercoaster start over again.
Love Jones Posted November 11, 2007 Posted November 11, 2007 So, I broke NC today, ya, I know, what am I thinking, but I really want to know why he suddenly wants to downgrade me from girlfriend to friend. This time, I did not get upset, yelling at him like before. He said we are only 65% match, the mismatch part, 10% the way I dress(I like dress in comfortable clothes, he dresses wall street style), 10% religious (I believe in God, and he believes in Budda), 10% sex, and 5% money. He wants to see if he can find someone who matches him more. Surprise to myself, I am not upset, somehow, I feel we still have hope, the way we dress, that could be changed, the religious, we know it from day 1, was never a problem for us. he admits that I match him more than his ex-wife regarding about money, Sex, that can be improved, right? Please tell me, am I going crazy here to think that we still have a chance? What is the % match you think a health relationship should have? Do you believe 100% match? Thanks. Honestly? You sound completely desperate and that is never a good look. What is so freakin great about this guy who - might I add - has rejected you for seemingly ridiculous, superficial reasons.... Screw him! (Well, no, do not screw him. IGNORE him and move on)
Author hopeforlove243 Posted November 11, 2007 Author Posted November 11, 2007 Think maybe hes just telling you hes sick so you won't bother him? Its probably better that you stick to the NC, talking to him just makes the emotional rollercoaster start over again. Hi Suny, I know he is sick because I called his office, and his assistant told me he is out sick. Ya, this emotional rollercoaster ride is no fun at all, yet when you love someone so much, it is so hard to keep to NC.
Author hopeforlove243 Posted November 11, 2007 Author Posted November 11, 2007 Honestly? You sound completely desperate and that is never a good look. What is so freakin great about this guy who - might I add - has rejected you for seemingly ridiculous, superficial reasons.... Screw him! (Well, no, do not screw him. IGNORE him and move on) I don't think I am desperate, but, maybe I am, just I don't realize it. Is he a great guy, no, but I love him, love is blind, and unconditional, that is why it is so freaking hard to let him go, I gave my heart and soul to him in the last two years, I thought he is the one, I finally found the love of my life... but... It has been 4 months now, and my heart still wants him. It is soooooo sad....
cant let go Posted November 11, 2007 Posted November 11, 2007 Is he a great guy, no, hmmm. you should explore this a little more. what makes him not such a great guy?
Love Jones Posted November 11, 2007 Posted November 11, 2007 I don't think I am desperate, but, maybe I am, just I don't realize it. Is he a great guy, no, but I love him, love is blind, and unconditional, that is why it is so freaking hard to let him go, I gave my heart and soul to him in the last two years, I thought he is the one, I finally found the love of my life... but... It has been 4 months now, and my heart still wants him. It is soooooo sad.... He's made it painfully clear that he doesn't want you and yet you continue to sort of throw yourself at him. That does look like desperation. I've been there. I know hard it is. But please, please move on. Even if this man had the faintest notion of getting back with you, your desperation is going to be very off=putting most likely
Author hopeforlove243 Posted November 11, 2007 Author Posted November 11, 2007 hmmm. you should explore this a little more. what makes him not such a great guy? He is not a great catch in my friend's eyes because he has baggage from his divorce, he is afraid of being hurt again, he thinks most of women are 'gold digger' so he is sensitive with money. But in my eyes, nobody is perfect, he is fun to be with, we share a lots of common interests, we carry interesting conversation, we both love travel, and have traveled together a lot in the last two years... The list can go on...
Love Jones Posted November 11, 2007 Posted November 11, 2007 He is not a great catch in my friend's eyes because he has baggage from his divorce, he is afraid of being hurt again, he thinks most of women are 'gold digger' so he is sensitive with money. But in my eyes, nobody is perfect, he is fun to be with, we share a lots of common interests, we carry interesting conversation, we both love travel, and have traveled together a lot in the last two years... The list can go on... I absolutely know that it's only a matter of time before you look back and wonder what on earth you ever saw in this loser who has rejected you and who avoids your calls..... Will you please please please step away from the phone and stop calling him. There's a FAR far far better man out there for you who will respect you and want you. You won't meet that great man until you let go of this idiotic ex of yours
Author hopeforlove243 Posted November 12, 2007 Author Posted November 12, 2007 He's made it painfully clear that he doesn't want you and yet you continue to sort of throw yourself at him. That does look like desperation. I've been there. I know hard it is. But please, please move on. Even if this man had the faintest notion of getting back with you, your desperation is going to be very off=putting most likely He made it clear that the doesn't want me as his girlfriend, but he insists we should be friends, he misses talking to me, misses playing tennis and hiking with me etc. Besides, he manages my money, all these make it very hard for me to move on. I have done things trying to keep me busy, I take dancing lessons, I take yoga class at my gym, I adopt a kitten since I miss his cat very much, and the first time in my life I am seeing therapist, and I signed up on an online dating service as my friends suggested... yet, I am not moving on :(
Love Jones Posted November 12, 2007 Posted November 12, 2007 He made it clear that the doesn't want me as his girlfriend, So have some pride and move on . Besides, he manages my money That doesn't seem like such a good idea given the circumstances.
Author hopeforlove243 Posted November 12, 2007 Author Posted November 12, 2007 I know, stupid me, thought we were doing great, so I agreed to have him manage my money (why give the commission to someone else since he is a financial adviser, and we share similar views regarding about investment). After breaking up, I asked him to transfer my account to others at his bank, he got mad, he said he still can make me rich, blah blah, and I still hope that maybe someone we could get back together, if I transferred money away from him, he would be soooo sad, no way he is taking me back, so I didn't do anything. Besides, it is not easy to find someone you can trust to manage your money.
carrotgirl Posted November 12, 2007 Posted November 12, 2007 I know, stupid me, thought we were doing great, so I agreed to have him manage my money (why give the commission to someone else since he is a financial adviser, and we share similar views regarding about investment). After breaking up, I asked him to transfer my account to others at his bank, he got mad, he said he still can make me rich, blah blah, and I still hope that maybe someone we could get back together, if I transferred money away from him, he would be soooo sad, no way he is taking me back, so I didn't do anything. Besides, it is not easy to find someone you can trust to manage your money. Hope, as someone with a little bit tucked away I understand where you're coming from. Everything you wrote spells major danger. You must move your funds immediately. And please dear one, don't EVER put a romantic interest, not even your husband, in charge of your financial independence again. It's just bad business. Let me set your mind at ease about at least the last bit, if in fact he loves your money so furiously, he'll follow your money wherever it goes. So no worries about him never getting back together with you if you move your funds. Secondly, you don't need to ask him DICK about moving your funds. It's YOUR money. You're a grown woman. You don't need to ask anyone. Just do it. And do it now. Deny him access to your finances immediately, legally. Tomorrow isn't too soon. I'll be checking back later in the week. Quite serious about this. This is not a healthy choice for you. Just the money bit. Carrot
Author hopeforlove243 Posted November 12, 2007 Author Posted November 12, 2007 Carrot, I know you are trying to protect me. I appreciate that. Everything you wrote spells major danger. You must move your funds immediately. And please dear one, don't EVER put a romantic interest, not even your husband, in charge of your financial independence again. It's just bad business. Carrot I never thought it that way, I thought having your S.O to take care of you money, at least you know he would treat it as their money, and do the best he can to grow it. Not like a lots of financial advisers out there, just care about how to make the maximum commission for themselves. Am I wrong? Secondly, you don't need to ask him DICK about moving your funds. It's YOUR money. You're a grown woman. You don't need to ask anyone. Just do it. And do it now. Deny him access to your finances immediately, legally. Tomorrow isn't too soon. Carrot I understand I don't need his permission to move my funds somewhere else, the thing is, I haven't found any good financial adviser in my area yet, and I don't feel comfortable to move my money to someone I don't know just for the sack of cutting him off. The reason I asked him to transfer to someone in his bank is I thought he might know other advisers, and how they performs, so he could refer me to a good one, I know he is one of the best at his branch, because we used to talk a lot about investment, and he would tell me what his boss say during his performance review, and how his boss came to him asking for investment advise. I do know I have to transfer my money to others if I decide to cut him out of my life cold, but at this time, I am still struggling with the thought of hoping to get back together with him someday, and wondering if I could be just his friends, so, I am not in a position to worry about my money yet :(
carrotgirl Posted November 12, 2007 Posted November 12, 2007 I am still struggling with the thought of hoping to get back together with him someday, and wondering if I could be just his friends, so, I am not in a position to worry about my money yet :( Hope, this is easily one of the most troubling things I've heard on the boards. Most people here have decisions affecting us negatively thrust on us. We scramble to deal with the hardships that come our way and you're purposely not taking responsibility for your well-being? I'm speechless. No, scratch that. I'm not speechless. If you have enough to eat, clothes to keep you warm in cold and rain and cool in heat, a roof over your head and you're not stressed about paying the bills, money is about the most meaningless thing in the world. It's printed on paper. The value of a dollar changes every day. Money won't buy you happiness or guarantee you will be loved. If you don't have enough to eat, clothes to keep you warm in cold and rain and cool in heat, a roof over your head and you're stressed out all the time, money is one of the most important things in the world. And having it still won't buy you happiness, but we all know not having it sucks. You'd rather lose your financial security than accept that whether or not your ex wants you in his life at all has nothing to do with money? And if this is really the kind of person he is, do you really want a friend like that? Someone who only wants you as a friend if he can manage your money? WT? I hope the money you've put in your ex's hands is A LOT. I hope it's billions because it's exactly the price you're putting on yourself. Hope, you're worth more so much more than that. Carrot
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