Jump to content
While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

Recommended Posts

Posted

i love this guy. we both tried to be good but it's getting more awkward. i KNOW he's not going to leave his family but i keep hoping something will change... either i fall in love with someone else or... or... i don't know. i don't know how to get out of it.

 

since he helped me move 2 weeks ago, i haven't seen him but we speak on the phone for about half and hour every day, except this weekend. he called me on monday and told me he went to a concert over the weekend (i'm assuming with his wife). i had just been busy trying to keep busy at work, and after work i go home and watch tv. i've been trying to keep busy with the new apartment.

 

during our phone conversations, i had made a comment that i feel like he is weaning me of him, i asked him to always be honest with me no matter what, and i said i felt he was avoiding me (not calling me that much anymore) and he didn't deny it. he said that it's not healthy for either of us to continue talking on the phone hours and hours a day. i said i was trying real hard to be good, and he said he knows, he was too... he said that he still loves me, he's still crazy about me, but he is trying not to show it. and he said the guilt is taking a huge toll on him, and made a joke that if we did anything he would have to avoid me for 3 days just to get over it.

 

but finally today i had to go by his office to pick up some stuff i had left in his car when he helped me move 2 weeks ago. it started out with us just talking, then he gave me a neck massage.. from then i reciprocated, and the next thing you know we were holding each other once again. we didn't actually have sex but it was close enough...

 

now what? will the guilt prevent him from calling me tomorrow? or will he call and pretend it didn't happen again?

Posted
i love this guy.

 

No, you love how he makes you feel. You have no real relationship with him. He is a married man and it's completely inappropriate of him to be acting like a single man. It's also inappropriate of you to accept his advances - You KNOW he's married, has a wife, kids etc., so why are you even bothering? You know too, he isn't going to leave them, so you're setting yourself up for a huge fall and a big hurt to your heart and ego.

 

we both tried to be good but it's getting more awkward. i KNOW he's not going to leave his family but i keep hoping something will change... either i fall in love with someone else or... or... i don't know. i don't know how to get out of it.

 

Only way to fall for someone else is to tell him goodbye NOW and never speak to him again. He isn't yours for taking and he isn't up for grabs, even if he is offering himself up to you, he's looking for a FLING! A side dish, sex and fun, do you really want to be the OW, second fiddle to everything else in his life?

 

since he helped me move 2 weeks ago, i haven't seen him but we speak on the phone for about half and hour every day, except this weekend. he called me on monday and told me he went to a concert over the weekend (i'm assuming with his wife). i had just been busy trying to keep busy at work, and after work i go home and watch tv. i've been trying to keep busy with the new apartment.

 

during our phone conversations, i had made a comment that i feel like he is weaning me of him, i asked him to always be honest with me no matter what, and i said i felt he was avoiding me (not calling me that much anymore) and he didn't deny it. he said that it's not healthy for either of us to continue talking on the phone hours and hours a day.

Yes he is backing off because he's starting to realize what he is doing is WRONG and he's betraying his wife and family. Respect that and leave him alone, and if he calls you, ignore him. BE the strong one here, rise above it and don't let yourself get sucked into the ego of his, wanting the attention. He probably loves that you're sooo into him, and in his mind, he KNOWS it's not going anywhere.

 

His actions are telling you something, the distance, the backing off, not seeing/talking to you as much. Do yourself a favour and move on, find a single man who can love you, give you ALL his attention and affection, not just stolen moments from his wife and children.

 

and he said the guilt is taking a huge toll on him, and made a joke that if we did anything he would have to avoid me for 3 days just to get over it.

 

If you really "loved" him and wanted what was best for him, you'd leave him alone because he is married and has children, instead of taking what is NOT yours.

 

He feels guilty, so why would you want to start something off with a MM, be a hidden secret?

Posted
now what? will the guilt prevent him from calling me tomorrow? or will he call and pretend it didn't happen again?

 

What do you want to do now? What do you want to happen? And what do you see happening?

 

You know him and whether he'll call you tomorrow or not...He's one of the real conflicted ones...

 

I personally think he will, but that's just because that's generally my experience...If he doesn't then I'd be pissed, because he knows better...And if he does and pretends it didn't happen YOU BRING IT UP...

 

If you love him and want to stay with him, you might have to accept certain things...But NEVER accept him treating you badly...You have needs and he should meet them...

 

If you can't stand being with him knowing he's never leaving, you probably should step back and really evaluate your needs and your R with him...

 

(((HUGS)))

Posted
now what? will the guilt prevent him from calling me tomorrow? or will he call and pretend it didn't happen again?

 

Either of those things could happen.

 

What he is doing is saying he doesn't want 'an affair' but 'friendship' (from your other threads), which I've said before satisfies him (but not you). He gets to have you adoring and wanting him, he gets to have his Ego massaged while not engaging in full sex with you, so that he doesn't feel too 'guilty'. Probably of the mind that not having full sex means it's not an affair.

 

But what does all that matter, really..?

 

What are you getting out of this... apart from hurt..?

  • Author
Posted

i don't know, maybe i don't love this guy as WWIU says...maybe i really only do only like the way he makes me feel. but i tried dating other guys (a while back- the usualy, movies, dinner, nothing physical) but it seems like even when i'm with the other guy, i can't stop thinking about MM.

What GreenEyed has said about him being the real conflicted ones.. i know it sounds crazy, but somehow it makes me feel a little better, as if it meant that he really did have feelings for me (enough to have it bother him, but not leaving his wife part).. but even when i do speak to him, what would be the reason for me bringing it up? there doesn't really seem to be any point since he has said to me enough times that "i'm not giong anywhere.." i'm slowing coming to that realization, and oh...it hurts. but sometimes it still feels better when he is the one making the initiation rather than have me throwing myself at him. even though it still hurts.

Posted

It feels better if you're the one who starts to detach rather than him being the one. It feels better because YOU are making the choice for yourself, rather than him making the choice for you by taking his attention away.

 

It's the band-aid concept. You can rip the band-aid off (go No Contact at once), or you can pull it off slowly (detach little by little). A lot of people are better off with NC and dealing with the pain in one shot and then starting the healing process without more dribs and drabs of pain with each contact. And some people can't imagine dealing with all the pain at once, so they taper off the contact.

 

Whichever way you do it, as long as you are choosing it for yourself, you feel more in control, you feel that you are doing the best thing for yourself, you don't feel as though you are the mercy of MM and how much attention he chooses to give to you or not. You don't have to deal with the pain of every realization that he is slipping away.

 

You say you like the way he makes you feel. Do you? Are you feeling happy? OR do you just feel happy in those moments you are with him and you have his undivided attention?

 

I don't think you'll ever be able to be with another man until this one is out of your life. You are too invested in him to be open to anyone else. The men you dated whom you felt nothing for? Well, you had no room to feel anything for them - you were already too full of feeling for MM. End it with him, give yourself time to heal, and eventually you will meet someone else whom you can love. But you can't do it when you are so wrapped up in this guy's every little breath and sigh.

×
×
  • Create New...