coco_milkshake Posted November 8, 2007 Posted November 8, 2007 If the girl you were dating had scars from self-harming but she had stopped doing that a long time ago. Would that put you off her? I am very paranoid about my physical appearance and I just wanted the guys opinion on this.
stevessvt Posted November 8, 2007 Posted November 8, 2007 Let me say,.....hell no. That was a lifetime ago. Beauty is so much more than physical appearence. Be gorgeous inside, the outside will follow. And people will know this. You really have nothing to worry about.
Author coco_milkshake Posted November 8, 2007 Author Posted November 8, 2007 This is putting me off wanting to be with someone cos I feel disgusted looking at myself and I dont want someone else to feel like that either. It looks a lot better now cos I am using some products to smooth it out but the fact that its still there bothers me and it has broken my confidence a lot.
stevessvt Posted November 8, 2007 Posted November 8, 2007 Sweetheart, dont worry about it. Somebody will love you for just who you are. And you are not the same person that you where. Focus on the here and now. You are a beautiful person. I am learning that it is difficult for everyone to start dating. Fact is, its quite difficult. But, enjoy the ride.
oppath Posted November 8, 2007 Posted November 8, 2007 I've suffered from depression and an abusive childhood. It would not turn me off as long as I felt the woman were actively doing something about her issues in the present. I'd actually understand if it happened in the past, and while on a day to day basis I don't require support from anyone, there are some general themes in my life where I feel vulnerable and need support. I'm actually attracted to women who I know have some vulnerability themselves for that reason. I don't feel that is good or bad as long as I choose other character traits too. If any guy makes you feel bad about it, then drop him. I once dropped a woman because she said "I want a guy who is strong, not someone who goes on drugs to solve his problems" during a fight after she had learned I was on antidepressants though I no longer was. Anyone who cannot accept my mental health issues and history of depression, and be supportive and inquisitive, is dropped from my life.
Author coco_milkshake Posted November 8, 2007 Author Posted November 8, 2007 Thanks Steve. Im being very insecure about myself and I know there are guys out there who are not judgemental but...I just feel very unlucky. I havent had much luck at the moment and my parents have arranged marriage in mind for me which I am against. *sigh*
Author coco_milkshake Posted November 8, 2007 Author Posted November 8, 2007 I've suffered from depression and an abusive childhood. It would not turn me off as long as I felt the woman were actively doing something about her issues in the present. I'd actually understand if it happened in the past, and while on a day to day basis I don't require support from anyone, there are some general themes in my life where I feel vulnerable and need support. I'm actually attracted to women who I know have some vulnerability themselves for that reason. I don't feel that is good or bad as long as I choose other character traits too. If any guy makes you feel bad about it, then drop him. I once dropped a woman because she said "I want a guy who is strong, not someone who goes on drugs to solve his problems" during a fight after she had learned I was on antidepressants though I no longer was. Anyone who cannot accept my mental health issues and history of depression, and be supportive and inquisitive, is dropped from my life. Nice to know men like you still exist Oppath. My ex slated me for my self-harm, he showed no compassion at all. Thats why Im afraid.
oppath Posted November 8, 2007 Posted November 8, 2007 Coco, I regret to inform you, but your parents are douchebags, no offense. What are you, 22? From what I know of you and your career/educational goals, marraige is in the cards for you around 30, because you are an awesome woman and there are so many passions you want to explore. Tell them "I can't even think about marraige until I've been living on my own for a few years so I know that if it does not work out, I'll have the skills to be on my own." Not that they'd listen...
Author coco_milkshake Posted November 8, 2007 Author Posted November 8, 2007 Coco, I regret to inform you, but your parents are douchebags, no offense. What are you, 22? From what I know of you and your career/educational goals, marraige is in the cards for you around 30, because you are an awesome woman and there are so many passions you want to explore. Tell them "I can't even think about marraige until I've been living on my own for a few years so I know that if it does not work out, I'll have the skills to be on my own." Not that they'd listen... Oh hell no they wouldnt lol. Ive been told that if Im not married by the age of 26 I am past my "sell-by-date". Charming eh? Ive been warned about moving out Oppath and the consequences but I dont care anymore. I want out.
tomwiz Posted November 8, 2007 Posted November 8, 2007 I hate to be the bad guy here...but to a certain degree it would bother me at first..not to the point that I wouldnt talk to them. I once dated a girl who was bullimic, she had awful stained teeth as a result and it was a real turn off. After having her explain to me about it, It didnt bother me and I could see past it...I guess wear long sleeves for a while ?
stevessvt Posted November 8, 2007 Posted November 8, 2007 Thanks Steve. Im being very insecure about myself and I know there are guys out there who are not judgemental but...I just feel very unlucky. I havent had much luck at the moment and my parents have arranged marriage in mind for me which I am against. *sigh* Wow,....I didnt know they still had that kind of thing still going on. I have no clue about your past history, so I dont know how to comment on the arranged marriage thing, but, I know one thing, you have to be happy with yourself and if something pre arranged dont make your clock tick, then talk it over with your parents. I also have serious self conscious issues about my looks. I am getting out of a 16yr marriage, and I am dumbfounded about what to do next. But I have joined an online dating service, and have met a few new people. Get out there. Expose yourself. Im a great person. Your a great person. We are great people. Dont sweat the small stuff,.....bigger things are coming....
melodymatters Posted November 8, 2007 Posted November 8, 2007 Well, I'm not a guy as you know, BUT one of myt dearest friends used to cut as well and had many scars on her legs. She met a wonderful guy with a masters in social work, who totatally understood and loved her despite her scars, her childhood sexual abuse, her stint as a stripper. they are now married, very happily and she has just finished getting her BS and is a domestic violence counselor. All it takes is one " prince" to have a happy ending !
oppath Posted November 8, 2007 Posted November 8, 2007 Well I think you should not talk about it at first, but the key thing is to eventually talk about it. If a guy says "why didn't tell me that sooner?" then he is not worth your time. You need someone who will say "that must have been really difficult for you and it must be difficult for you to talk about. Are you comfortable talking about it?" That is what I have learned having a history of depression. When a woman acts like I withheld information from her, I can see her point, but what if I'm not currently depressed or on medications? I need a woman who will understand "that must have been tough and I understand it is difficult to talk about because of the stigma. How are you feeling at this point in your life."
Author coco_milkshake Posted November 8, 2007 Author Posted November 8, 2007 Well, I'm not a guy as you know, BUT one of myt dearest friends used to cut as well and had many scars on her legs. She met a wonderful guy with a masters in social work, who totatally understood and loved her despite her scars, her childhood sexual abuse, her stint as a stripper. they are now married, very happily and she has just finished getting her BS and is a domestic violence counselor. All it takes is one " prince" to have a happy ending ! I remember you telling me about her before. That is very inspiring. I hope the same happens for me.
LaChatteNoire Posted November 8, 2007 Posted November 8, 2007 Hey coco... I don't think every guy is completely stuck on physical appearance alone. Knowing that it comes from self harm might even show them that you're a very strong girl and can overcome the worst of situations. You can be proud for that. Though I don't like it, I have a huge insecurity with my own body. I have a deformity of the rib cage (it isn't noticeable unless I'm braless) and I haven't been able to get the funds to correct it, however most people tell me that I should just stay the way I am. My boyfriend doesn't give it a second thought and he just sees me for who I am. There are people out there who care about what's inside more than out and I'm positive you'll find that someone. Some guys do understand and they will take the time to listen because they care and they love you.
Cobra_X30 Posted November 8, 2007 Posted November 8, 2007 I remember you telling me about her before. That is very inspiring. I hope the same happens for me. Believe me it will! Just keep your eyes open... and dont go looking too hard!
stevessvt Posted November 8, 2007 Posted November 8, 2007 Hey coco... I don't think every guy is completely stuck on physical appearance alone. Knowing that it comes from self harm might even show them that you're a very strong girl and can overcome the worst of situations. You can be proud for that. Though I don't like it, I have a huge insecurity with my own body. I have a deformity of the rib cage (it isn't noticeable unless I'm braless) and I haven't been able to get the funds to correct it, however most people tell me that I should just stay the way I am. My boyfriend doesn't give it a second thought and he just sees me for who I am. There are people out there who care about what's inside more than out and I'm positive you'll find that someone. Some guys do understand and they will take the time to listen because they care and they love you. ^^What she said.
Author coco_milkshake Posted November 8, 2007 Author Posted November 8, 2007 Hey coco... I don't think every guy is completely stuck on physical appearance alone. Knowing that it comes from self harm might even show them that you're a very strong girl and can overcome the worst of situations. You can be proud for that. Though I don't like it, I have a huge insecurity with my own body. I have a deformity of the rib cage (it isn't noticeable unless I'm braless) and I haven't been able to get the funds to correct it, however most people tell me that I should just stay the way I am. My boyfriend doesn't give it a second thought and he just sees me for who I am. There are people out there who care about what's inside more than out and I'm positive you'll find that someone. Some guys do understand and they will take the time to listen because they care and they love you. That almost made me cry. I hope what you say is true. Believe me it will! Just keep your eyes open... and dont go looking too hard! I wont hon. I know he is out there somewhere and I will meet him some day. I just wish it was soon lol.
Author coco_milkshake Posted November 8, 2007 Author Posted November 8, 2007 Well I think you should not talk about it at first, but the key thing is to eventually talk about it. If a guy says "why didn't tell me that sooner?" then he is not worth your time. You need someone who will say "that must have been really difficult for you and it must be difficult for you to talk about. Are you comfortable talking about it?" That is what I have learned having a history of depression. When a woman acts like I withheld information from her, I can see her point, but what if I'm not currently depressed or on medications? I need a woman who will understand "that must have been tough and I understand it is difficult to talk about because of the stigma. How are you feeling at this point in your life." I agree with you there. I shouldve kicked my ex to the kerb when he started shouting at me for my self-harm but I was in too deep and I loved him. Any guy who does that to me now wont get a second chance with me cos he will be dumped on the spot.
Phateless Posted November 9, 2007 Posted November 9, 2007 If the girl you were dating had scars from self-harming but she had stopped doing that a long time ago. Would that put you off her? I am very paranoid about my physical appearance and I just wanted the guys opinion on this. So what you're telling me is that having a gf with scars from suicide attempts might ruin your image?? If she was honestly better and I loved her, I wouldn't care.
Lizzie60 Posted November 9, 2007 Posted November 9, 2007 If I were a guy, I'm sure it wouldn't bother me... no one can say that they've never had 'bad' times or pain in their life... I went though hell myself.. it's a miracle I'm still alive...but in my case, it didn't leave any scars...but it could have.. I was lucky I guess. I don't know all the details but if they ask just say that it was a 'erreur de jeunesse' (mistake from your teens') don't worry... be happy!!!!!
Phateless Posted November 9, 2007 Posted November 9, 2007 It might make me wonder about what other baggage she has, but I like to take my time getting to know people and then decide for myself.
Trialbyfire Posted November 9, 2007 Posted November 9, 2007 coco, scarring can be removed by laser surgery, if it continues to bother you. While I normally can't stand cosmetic surgery, having scars removed might help for you to move on from this particular phase in your life.
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