shayna Posted November 8, 2007 Posted November 8, 2007 Hey again, Any suggestions with this one? 3.5 months into our breakup, my ex slept with a "friend of good friends of mine" (ie. we know each other and are in same group of friends but not close) on two separate occasions out of "convenience" (yeah- his words- pathetic I know). They don't intend to do this again because of the "complexities involved" or whatever. Not sure I believe it but so far so good. How do I deal with this woman- we will be at the same functions- there's no avoiding this as I don't want to lose friends over this just because I can't be around her. She knows I know and is apparently realizing it was a stupid idea to go thru with the sex. BTW, my ex and I are still struggling with our strong emotions and intimacy we feel for each other (we were together 8.5 years and broken up for 4 months)...We are having a lot of trouble staying apart.
Phateless Posted November 8, 2007 Posted November 8, 2007 It sounds like he's moved on if he's sleeping with other people. This is tough, because you technically don't have any claim to him anymore. I would just try to be civil and avoid her for the most part until your emotions level out a bit. Hang in there girlie...
KenzieAbsolutely Posted November 8, 2007 Posted November 8, 2007 Hey again, Any suggestions with this one? 3.5 months into our breakup, my ex slept with a "friend of good friends of mine" (ie. we know each other and are in same group of friends but not close) on two separate occasions out of "convenience" (yeah- his words- pathetic I know). They don't intend to do this again because of the "complexities involved" or whatever. Not sure I believe it but so far so good. How do I deal with this woman- we will be at the same functions- there's no avoiding this as I don't want to lose friends over this just because I can't be around her. She knows I know and is apparently realizing it was a stupid idea to go thru with the sex. BTW, my ex and I are still struggling with our strong emotions and intimacy we feel for each other (we were together 8.5 years and broken up for 4 months)...We are having a lot of trouble staying apart. it does sound like he's moved on quite a bit. you should do the same. you say that you are having trouble staying away from him and you still have some intimacy for each other. it looks like he has intimacy with other people too though, and knowing this, you really shouldn't be more upset with the girl who slept with your ex. you seem quicker to excuse him for his behavior than her, which doesn't make sense. it does sound pretty sucky though, i do feel for you.
Author shayna Posted November 8, 2007 Author Posted November 8, 2007 Well- he hasn't moved on that's just it. I think he's trying and in that sense you are right...but he says himself that he hasn't. Can guys just sleep with woman and have no real emotions involved in it? Anyway, I'm posting this again with a bit more detail: Hey again, Any suggestions with this one? 3.5 months into our breakup, my ex slept with a "friend of good friends of mine" (that is, we know each other and are in same group of friends but not close by any means) on two separate occasions out of "convenience" (yeah- his words- pathetic I know). They don't intend to do this again because of the "complexities involved" or whatever and he's not interested in a relationship with her. Not sure I believe it won't happen again but so far he's been trying to get me back in bed instead. Why do exes sleep with someone so soon? And how do I deal with this woman? We will be at the same functions- there's no avoiding it as I don't want to lose friends over this just because I can't be around her. She knows I know and is apparently realizing it was a stupid and hurtful thing to do. She has also said to my friend that "it seems that only guys getting out of serious relationships seem to be attracted to me these days". I only want to let her know that 1) it was totally disrespectful and I expected more and 2) after 8.5 years together emotions, thoughts, and INTIMACY do not just end (ie. should she know he's slept with me during this time?) BTW, my ex and I are still really struggling with our strong emotions and intimacy we feel for each other (we were together 8.5 years and broken up for 4 months)...We are having a lot of trouble staying apart. I know NC is best but I really want to be with him for life.
Author shayna Posted November 8, 2007 Author Posted November 8, 2007 I know what you mean Kenzie. I am VERY angry with him- VERY. It's just at the moment I'm focused on this girl who should have realized that this was totally a @#$^-ty thing to do. We should be able to trust women in our group of friends NOT to do this for a very LONG time. Exes are off limits ESPECIALLY after 8.5 years together!!!! In terms of my anger toward him, well...if I had had that "convenient" guy friend, I would have done the same because I was trying to move on too. And then a hypocrite I would have been. I'm just not ready to give up. I love him too much and I know he loves me. We've had such an amazing life together. And I don't think he's all too settled with our breakup decision either. Can it not be true that when a man sleeps with someone else during a breakup that he still has intense emotions for and wants to get back with his ex?
KenzieAbsolutely Posted November 8, 2007 Posted November 8, 2007 Can it not be true that when a man sleeps with someone else during a breakup that he still has intense emotions for and wants to get back with his ex? of course it can be true, but it doesn't mean it is true. it could also mean he had/has intense feelings for someone else while still holding onto some old feelings for you. see what i mean? i would be wary of any man who tells me he has intimate feelings for me, but still sleeps with someone else. if his feelings were so true, you wouldn't be broken up, and/or he wouldn't be sleeping with other people. if you argue your above statement that i quoted, then, really, what's to stop him from cheating on you if you were together? does that make any sense? i just think it sounds like a messy situation that you're better off removing yourself from. even if you got back together, you'll always be reminded of the things he did when you weren't together, and even though can't stake claim to him for when you're broken up, it will still bother you...especially when the other girl is around. if he can still find it in him to bed someone else with all these 'intense' feelings for you, what's to stop him from doing it again while you're still together? i don't know if you have a backstory or not, but i do know you guy were together a long time. how old are you both? and what was the reason for the breakup? i'm not trying to make you feel bad, so i hope you don't take it that way. i just think you could use a fresh start without outside factors hovering over your head, you know?
SunnyLady Posted November 8, 2007 Posted November 8, 2007 9 years (8.5) is a long while. I wouldnt be so quick to say he has moved on because guys are very much capable of having sex with no emotions involved. Or having sex with a girl whilst still harbouring strong feelings for another. It happens ALL the time. An ex of mine left me... started sleeping with this woman consistently. Yet came back for me after it all. (needless to say i didnt take him back ). He told me he never really developed real feelings for this woman he left me for ...and they had been sleeping together for about 8 months! I hope i am not sterotyping but so many male friends of mine go on about how easy and enjoyable it is to have sex without emotions. They do it all the time. Whilst the lady is getting attached, they find it so easy to walk away. So to your question--YES! It happens all the time. Also men are human beings with emotions and 8.5 years is a long while. He might feel the need to sleep around to get your out of his system...or to try to get you out of his system. Afterall you did say you are finding it hard to stay off each other. I think some men have a way of sleeping with other women after a strong rship in a bid to avoid dealing with their feelings. They have casual, meaningless sex which they actually enjoy! I think inwards they really do miss ex partners and long for them sometimes. It sounds like he still cares for you, if not why would he see the need to say "he wouldnt sleep with her anymore because of complexities". Regarding this lady, i would advice that you maintain your cool and dignity. Don't ask her questions when you see her just ignore her. Trust me it creates the best impression. You say you want him back...I'm a bit lost though as i don't know the conditons of your breakup etc. Enligten us? That may help... Was it mutual? Did he leave you, did you leave him etc? Reaons citied?
SunnyLady Posted November 8, 2007 Posted November 8, 2007 9 years (8.5) is a long while. I wouldnt be so quick to say he has moved on because guys are very much capable of having sex with no emotions involved. Or having sex with a girl whilst still harbouring strong feelings for another. It happens ALL the time. An ex of mine left me... started sleeping with this woman consistently. Yet came back for me after it all. (needless to say i didnt take him back ). He told me he never really developed real feelings for this woman he left me for ...and they had been sleeping together for about 8 months! I hope i am not sterotyping but so many male friends of mine go on about how easy and enjoyable it is to have sex without emotions. They do it all the time. Whilst the lady is getting attached, they find it so easy to walk away. So to your question--YES! It happens all the time. Also men are human beings with emotions and 8.5 years is a long while. He might feel the need to sleep around to get your out of his system...or to try to get you out of his system. Afterall you did say you are finding it hard to stay off each other. I think some men have a way of sleeping with other women after a strong rship in a bid to avoid dealing with their feelings. They have casual, meaningless sex which they actually enjoy! I think inwards they really do miss ex partners and long for them sometimes. It sounds like he still cares for you, if not why would he see the need to say "he wouldnt sleep with her anymore because of complexities". Regarding this lady, i would advice that you maintain your cool and dignity. Don't ask her questions when you see her just ignore her. Trust me it creates the best impression. You say you want him back...I'm a bit lost though as i don't know the conditons of your breakup etc. Enligten us? That may help... Was it mutual? Did he leave you, did you leave him etc? Reaons citied?
Author shayna Posted November 8, 2007 Author Posted November 8, 2007 if you argue your above statement that i quoted, then, really, what's to stop him from cheating on you if you were together? does that make any sense? i just think it sounds like a messy situation that you're better off removing yourself from. even if you got back together, you'll always be reminded of the things he did when you weren't together, and even though can't stake claim to him for when you're broken up, it will still bother you...especially when the other girl is around. if he can still find it in him to bed someone else with all these 'intense' feelings for you, what's to stop him from doing it again while you're still together? i don't know if you have a backstory or not, but i do know you guy were together a long time. how old are you both? and what was the reason for the breakup? i'm not trying to make you feel bad, so i hope you don't take it that way. i just think you could use a fresh start without outside factors hovering over your head, you know? You are so right Kenzie - it will always bother me- but he did this same 'convenience' thing before when we were on a break and although it stayed with me in the back of my mind that he had slept with a friend (who was actually consoling me at the same time can you believe that!), I moved on and we had 4 wonderful years together after that. I know he would never cheat on me if we were together- he just doesn't believe in that. We talked about this a lot. I know it may sound naive but if there's anything I believe that he says, it is this. And I think that's why I got thru it last time. I know I just made him out to be an --hole because this is the second time but really I almost slept with someone too so I'm just as much an --hole as he is/was.
Author shayna Posted November 8, 2007 Author Posted November 8, 2007 He officially broke us up but I was thinking about it for awhile- just couldn't bring myself to do it. My issue was that he rarely showed his feelings for me- I was always left guessing and probably pushed him away because I would always question him as to why he behaved a certain way at a party or why did you ignore me at this party etc etc. Now, I hear these things that he had said about me when I wasn't around like how much he wanted to be home with me etc. I never knew he said these things or felt this way until now. And he only said he loves me now that we are broken up. He really always just maintained a distance. I always thought he was afraid of love or was afraid to consider that I may just be the one. He couldn't marry me is essentially the reason for him breaking it off. He's 30, I'm 32. That means I've had him since he was 21.
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