blind_otter Posted November 8, 2007 Posted November 8, 2007 I've been with my SO for over 2 years. We have a great relationship in almost every way. I consider him to be my soulmate. I thought things were going great. We don't really argue hardly at all and we have the same philosophy toward many things. We both quit drinking together early this year but he started drinking again a few months ago and that's when we began to have a problem. Every 2-3 weeks he stays out all night and doesn't answer his cell phone. When he does come home he is STUPID drunk. It's annoying and it pisses me off and this is the only thing we argue about. He's always contrite when he returns home. Promises to never do it again. Then 2-3 weeks later I'll talk to him right after work on his cell phone and he'll say that he's going out with friends, or at a friend's house (all people I know, of course) and that he'll be home shortly. Those are always the nights that he stays out all night. HE doesn't come home at all those nights -- he just goes straight from work to drinking/playing poker. He swears up and down that he's "true to me" and that he hasn't slept with anyone else but I'm starting to not believe him. The all night drinking binges have recently become more frequent. - up to 3-4 times a month from only 1-2 times a month. I've even gone so far as to examine his penis and boxers to see if he's slept with anyone else. I have full access to his cell phone, and he doesn't use a computer for anything but ebay. So is this a drinking problem, or an infidelity problem?
coco_milkshake Posted November 8, 2007 Posted November 8, 2007 That is difficult. I honestly dont know what advice to give you except that you should give him an ultimatum. I think its more to do with the drinking IMO cos if he was cheating on you, then you wouldve found evidence on his phone which you have free access to. That means he has nothing to hide if he allows you to go through it.
allina Posted November 8, 2007 Posted November 8, 2007 Why can't he just go out drinking with friends a couple times a month? Maybe if he knew it wouldn't start a fight he would go about it in a better way. Maybe he feels like "I want to go out for a few drinks with the guys and it's gonna be hell when I get home, might as well go all out" If he knows you're mad about him being out he won't pick up the phone because he knows there will be a fight and doesn't want to ruin his night. Are you upset that he started drinking again after quitting with you? Does he have a past with alcohol that made him have to stop? If not it isn't fair to not allow him to drink just because you don't. Sorry if I'm missing background info on this BO.
Lovegod Posted November 8, 2007 Posted November 8, 2007 I consider him to be my soulmate. I don't believe in soulmates, but that's just me. When he does come home he is STUPID drunk. It's annoying and it pisses me off and this is the only thing we argue about. Then he's NOT your soulmate. He's probably not cheating on you. He's just a druken sod. You're not going to change that, only he can. So you have two options here: 1) Live with it and hope that he eventually does something about his drinking problem 2) Leave him because you don't want a drunken soulmate. I've even gone so far as to examine his penis and boxers to see if he's slept with anyone else. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHahahaha! I don't know why, but just the image of you examining his man stuff is funny! Grabbing floating pubes and picking dried... wait, I'm going too far. Sorry.
Lostgurl Posted November 8, 2007 Posted November 8, 2007 We both quit drinking together early this year but he started drinking again a few months ago and that's when we began to have a problem. Every 2-3 weeks he stays out all night and doesn't answer his cell phone. When he does come home he is STUPID drunk. It's annoying and it pisses me off and this is the only thing we argue about. Staying out all night and not calling is super selfish. The few times my bf has done this, I was worried sick, and also wondered if maybe he got a little too drunk and "fell into a bed". I know how you feel in that regard BO, this stinks. He's always contrite when he returns home. Promises to never do it again. Then 2-3 weeks later I'll talk to him right after work on his cell phone and he'll say that he's going out with friends, or at a friend's house (all people I know, of course) and that he'll be home shortly. Those are always the nights that he stays out all night. HE doesn't come home at all those nights -- he just goes straight from work to drinking/playing poker. This sounds alot like how my bf would act as well. You need to put your foot down, and let him know how serious this is, and how badly it upsets you. He swears up and down that he's "true to me" and that he hasn't slept with anyone else but I'm starting to not believe him. The all night drinking binges have recently become more frequent. - up to 3-4 times a month from only 1-2 times a month. I've even gone so far as to examine his penis and boxers to see if he's slept with anyone else. I think he feels guilty, not because he's cheating. But because he sees that he's making you unhappy. I have full access to his cell phone, and he doesn't use a computer for anything but ebay. So is this a drinking problem, or an infidelity problem? It seems more like an alcohol problem than an infidelity problem to me.
Author blind_otter Posted November 8, 2007 Author Posted November 8, 2007 He and I both had severe addiction problems with alcohol. We went to AA together for a while. I've stopped going to meetings thought, and have lost touch with my sponsor. There was an incident where he was extremely drunk and the law was involved. He trashed a room in my house, ripping the ceiling fan off the ceiling and punching holes in the wall. He also destroyed the built ins in my walk in closet. Luckily he's a carpenter so he fixed everything he broke, but the police made him go through anger management therapy for 3 months and the AA meetings were mandatory for him. I wouldn't mind him going out and drinking if he came home, say, 2-3am. But he comes home at 6-7am.
allina Posted November 8, 2007 Posted November 8, 2007 He and I both had severe addiction problems with alcohol. We went to AA together for a while. I've stopped going to meetings thought, and have lost touch with my sponsor. There was an incident where he was extremely drunk and the law was involved. He trashed a room in my house, ripping the ceiling fan off the ceiling and punching holes in the wall. He also destroyed the built ins in my walk in closet. Luckily he's a carpenter so he fixed everything he broke, but the police made him go through anger management therapy for 3 months and the AA meetings were mandatory for him. I wouldn't mind him going out and drinking if he came home, say, 2-3am. But he comes home at 6-7am. This puts things more in perspective. Is there anyway he is doing drugs and not just drinking? Friends rarely stay up and out just hanging out drinking till 6-7am, could coke or speed be involved? Have you calmly talked to him and said that though you'd prefer him not to drink you understand a night out once in a while but that the all night thing and just leaving you hanging are unacceptable? I see it as sort of two separate issues. One, he may be falling back in to past addictions and two, he's disrespecting your feelings by just not showing up all night.
amaysngrace Posted November 8, 2007 Posted November 8, 2007 When he drinks who does he drink with? What time do the bars around there close up? Any all nighter joints around? You know how it is B_O. If this is the only time he can go then he's going to make the most of it. Bad move on not having a problem with it when he went out once or twice a month. Now you've become the bad guy. So what does his dick smell like?
tanbark813 Posted November 8, 2007 Posted November 8, 2007 Well none of that sounds good, especially turning off his phone, but one thing that stuck out is his playing poker. Is he always playing poker during these all-nighters? Because it's easy to start after work and the next thing you know it's 4am. Poker kills time like a mofo, especially once you get some booze in you.
Author blind_otter Posted November 8, 2007 Author Posted November 8, 2007 HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHahahaha! I don't know why, but just the image of you examining his man stuff is funny! Grabbing floating pubes and picking dried... wait, I'm going too far. Sorry. Believe me, I find the whole thing to be absurd to the point of hysterical hilarity. I can't believe I did that, myself. I'm not normally a paranoid person. But when your partner stays out until 7 am, what are you supposed to do? I am starting to drift into crazy land.
Author blind_otter Posted November 8, 2007 Author Posted November 8, 2007 So what does his dick smell like? His area smelled like sweaty balls. Nothing pleasant, but hey at least it didn't smell like soap.
Lovegod Posted November 8, 2007 Posted November 8, 2007 BO, this stinks Yeah, BO usually does stink. He trashed a room in my house, ripping the ceiling fan off the ceiling and punching holes in the wall. He also destroyed the built ins in my walk in closet. And you call this guy a soulmate? I'd hate to see what you call "incompatible". So what does his dick smell like? ROTFLMFAO!!!! You're killing me!
Author blind_otter Posted November 8, 2007 Author Posted November 8, 2007 Well none of that sounds good, especially turning off his phone, but one thing that stuck out is his playing poker. Is he always playing poker during these all-nighters? Because it's easy to start after work and the next thing you know it's 4am. Poker kills time like a mofo, especially once you get some booze in you. It usually is him playing poker. The problem is that there are like 4 different groups of friends that play poker on a weekly basis. Then he says he gets too drunk to drive and falls asleep at said poker playing house. Another thing that pisses me off is him losing money at poker ALL THE TIME. I wouldn't even mind that much if he actually won money, but he's a ****ty poker player. Especially when drunk. I've witnessed it.
Author blind_otter Posted November 8, 2007 Author Posted November 8, 2007 Yeah, BO usually does stink. It';s an affectionate nickname from ages ago, Mr. 120 posts.
amaysngrace Posted November 8, 2007 Posted November 8, 2007 Then he says he gets too drunk to drive and falls asleep at said poker playing house. More like 'pass out'. So what's the deal with him shutting off the cell phone? Do the other guys know he's an alcoholic? I know my BFs friends know about it but they really don't KNOW about it, if you know what I mean. It'd be nice if someone there could get his back. Is there one?
Art_Critic Posted November 8, 2007 Posted November 8, 2007 So is this a drinking problem, or an infidelity problem? Damn it BO.. I'm sorry you are going thru this..it makes my heart sad I don't think anybody but him would know for sure.. but I'd bet anything that it is just an Alcohol problem and that he is not cheating on you. If he was just going out partying I feel differently.. but he is getting stupid drunk..that in itself doesn't lend itself to cheating.. who wants to sleep with a stupid drunk guy ? You could probably benefit from giving your sponsor a call and going to a meeting..or just going to a meeting.. You may not know this but it is times like these that we can doubt our own sobriety and slip... Your sponsor would also be able to guide you in how to deal with his addiction problem.. If I were you I might consider that drastic step of putting your foot down and booting him out of your life till he sobers up.. If he doesn't then his drinking will increase and get worse and that will take it's tolls on you.. You will get the brunt of his drinking behavior... Hugs Girl....
Ariadne Posted November 8, 2007 Posted November 8, 2007 Hi, Sounds more like he is doing drugs to me. Ariadne
Lovegod Posted November 8, 2007 Posted November 8, 2007 It';s an affectionate nickname from ages ago, Mr. 120 posts. Okay, I've GOTTA hear the story of how you got that nickname.... and don't give me any of that "B.O. stands for Blind Otter" crap either!
Author blind_otter Posted November 8, 2007 Author Posted November 8, 2007 If I were you I might consider that drastic step of putting your foot down and booting him out of your life till he sobers up.. If he doesn't then his drinking will increase and get worse and that will take it's tolls on you.. You will get the brunt of his drinking behavior... Hugs Girl.... Thanks for the hugs, Art. I will get back to the AA meetings I should anyways. I was thinking I might have to just do the deed and break up with him since things are only getting worse. I was hoping someone would have a different suggestion.
allina Posted November 8, 2007 Posted November 8, 2007 So...... Have you guys talked about this at times other than at 7 in the morning when you're super angry and he super drunk? What does he say then? Can you guys have a calm discussion abut it? Is it possible he's doing drugs?
Art_Critic Posted November 8, 2007 Posted November 8, 2007 I will get back to the AA meetings I should anyways. I was thinking I might have to just do the deed and break up with him since things are only getting worse. I was hoping someone would have a different suggestion. By the way.. Props to you for your clean living .... miles.. you have come miles from where you were a year or so ago and just knowing that you are still sober puts a huge smile on my face.. I do miss the ball polishing days though..
coco_milkshake Posted November 8, 2007 Posted November 8, 2007 Im sorry this had to happen B_O. I think you should both sit down and have a proper discussion about this and take it from there, but if he carries on like this then it seems you will have to dump him. I hope it doesnt come to that though. You seem happy with him otherwise.
amaysngrace Posted November 8, 2007 Posted November 8, 2007 B_O I would try and talk some sense into him. These guys don't sound like they're his buddies. But they know he's easy money for them. They know he has a problem. They know he gets sloppy. And they know his style. Maybe you can present it to him that way instead. And then the choice will be his to stop going.
quankanne Posted November 8, 2007 Posted November 8, 2007 I think you should both sit down and have a proper discussion about this and take it from there, i second that suggestion, it could be his "cry for help" – you know, he wants to be able to socialize with his buddies, but he doesn't have an off switch that he can flip early in the evening, so he ends up stinkin' drunk and is forced for safety's sake to remain where he is. And he needs help with a game plan to help him avoid that state of being. It honestly doesn't sound like there's a lover involved ... unless you count the bottle.
Mz. Pixie Posted November 8, 2007 Posted November 8, 2007 I agree with Art. I think he's drinking and knows you don't approve so he just doesn't call you or come home at a decent hour- delaying his tongue lashing as long as he can. I also agree with Art that you should really kick him out until he sobers up. You're a smart girl who has her head on straight. You know what you need to do.
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