I have this sinking fear...

[shadowplay]

I know I just recently started a thread saying that I was finally feeling secure in my relationship, and that was true at the time, but it was a short-lived sensation. In fact right now I'm more uneasy than I have been in over a month. I don't know what it is, but in my gut I just KNOW he is going to leave me. It's like the relationship is too good to be true. I don't believe that somebody I really love could love me back in full. Something just doesn't feel right. I've never been in a relationship where the feelings were equally reciprocated. Either I like the guy more or he likes me more. In fact this pattern is so persistant that I'm starting to wonder if love doesn't just work this way. I think people can momentarily be in synch but then one party always gets scared or loses interest. Reciprocal love doesn't seem sustainable in the long term. There's a feeling of unreality/fantasy about my relationship right now and it seems inevitable that reality will catch up.

 

Here's another thing. Maybe I'm just weird but does anyone else ever feel like guys can smell insecurity? Let me clarify. Whenever I start to feel at all insecure or really into a guy it's like he can read my mind and he instantly grows distant. The strange thing is this seems to happen even when I don't betray any visible trace of insecurity. Even if I'm not talking to the guy because he's out of town he can somehow sense my insecurity from afar. I know I sound totally paranoid, but I swear to God there's some basis to this. I freakin' hate that because it makes me terrified of my own feelings since they become dangerous self fufilling prophecies. It's like the walls of my brain can't contain them and they leak out and affect things in the physical world. Man, I sound really crazy now, but it's true -- I swear! Then I'm thrown into a vicious cycle because the guy gets more distant and I get more insecure in response.

 

If this guy were to leave me I don't think I could ever love again. I would totally lose faith. I can't ever see myself risking being vulnerable with another person. The one time I was dumped it was by a guy I didn't care about that much and even that hurt like hell. I can't imagine the emotional damage being dumped by somebody I actually loved would cause. It doesn't seem like anything on earth could be more painful aside from the death of a close family member.

 

What I'm most scared of is he'll gradually grow more and more distant, stringing me along and never breaking things off out of guilt. I'll ask him if anything's wrong and he'll deny it. Finally, I'll break down and beg him to tell me the truth and he'll admit that his feelings changed for whatever reason. Then I'll break up with him because I can't bear being with somebody who doesn't love me. This is the worst case scenario. I've been in situations like this before with female friends and it's worse than a sudden, clean yet honest break. I hate the ambiguity, cowardice and dishonesty involved. In the aftermath you feel worse off than you were before because you have no clue why you didn't cut it. If you don't know what you did wrong, there's no way of fixing it. Instead you grow paranoid in any future relationships and become hypervigilant about detecting any early signs of distance.

[amaysngrace]

Do you suffer from an anxiety disorder?

 

I don't mean to be rude in any way by asking.

[shadowplay]

Do you suffer from an anxiety disorder?

 

I don't mean to be rude in any way by asking.

 

I don't know; I do know that I suffer from depression. I have a lot of anxiety but I've never been diagnosed with a full-blown disorder.

[squeak]

I think you feel like that because you are really into him. The only time I never felt like what you described was when I did not value them so highly. It seems, to me, there is no in between.

 

Unfortunately, usually one partner feels like this, and it sucks when it is you and not them. To put it another way, I've never been in a relationship where I valued the other highly and not had it accompanied by crippling insecurity, fear of loss, etc.

 

I have a friend who is completely secure in her relationship. She told me she honestly never frets about if they leave her. She would feel like "there is the door, so what!" and somehow....she never gets hurt either. I know she is not bluffing either.

 

edit: These gloom and doom feelings can be exaggerated if you have anxiety disorders like anasyngrace asked.

[shadowplay]

I think you feel like that because you are really into him. The only time I never felt like what you described was when I did not value them so highly. It seems, to me, there is no in between.

 

Unfortunately, usually one partner feels like this, and it sucks when it is you and not them. To put it another way, I've never been in a relationship where I valued the other highly and not had it accompanied by crippling insecurity, fear of loss, etc.

 

I have a friend who is completely secure in her relationship. She told me she honestly never frets about if they leave her. She would feel like "there is the door, so what!" and somehow....she never gets hurt either. I know she is not bluffing either.

 

edit: These gloom and doom feelings can be exaggerated if you have anxiety disorders like anasyngrace asked.

 

Well, I'm glad I'm not the only one. The question I always wonder is is it worse to be in a constant state of fear/insecurity in a relationship with somebody you love OR be alone yet not insecure because you're not in a relationship?

[squeak]

Actually, I think it is worse to wonder if it has to feel like this as long as deep love is involved. Because then I wonder if I am not the higly valued one in the relationship, because laws of polarities say two people could not both feel like this within one organism/relationship.

 

Note: This is magical thinking, unsubstantiated by facts and logic, but more intuitive. I mean-why is one partner all scared of loss/abandinment and the other is more footloose and fancy free? Because that was the polarity in my less highly valued /I was more highly valued relationship which led to the end for him. Get my drift?

 

But I do remind myself i will be okay, but then I think of if I am not highly valued/loved as much as i love him, that is bad for obvious reasons. How do I know? Is the proof that I am the more worried one in this relationship? If I take on my friends attidute-does that magically change things?

 

I think it would magically change because when one feels overly insecure, they tend to do crazy making things that push the partner away.

[squeak]

 

If this guy were to leave me I don't think I could ever love again. I would totally lose faith. I can't ever see myself risking being vulnerable with another person.

 

Or...worst case scenario, you could -after some time passed, assess with detachment what red flags were apparent in the beginning that you chose to continue on and make a conscious choice to avoid that quality in the future.

 

And presently, this is hard-it requires changing thought patterns, you could merely enjoy what is being given and what you are giving.

[Kamille]

I know I just recently started a thread saying that I was finally feeling secure in my relationship, and that was true at the time, but it was a short-lived sensation. In fact right now I'm more uneasy than I have been in over a month. I don't know what it is, but in my gut I just KNOW he is going to leave me. It's like the relationship is too good to be true. I don't believe that somebody I really love could love me back in full. Something just doesn't feel right. I've never been in a relationship where the feelings were equally reciprocated. Either I like the guy more or he likes me more. In fact this pattern is so persistant that I'm starting to wonder if love doesn't just work this way. I think people can momentarily be in synch but then one party always gets scared or loses interest. Reciprocal love doesn't seem sustainable in the long term. There's a feeling of unreality/fantasy about my relationship right now and it seems inevitable that reality will catch up.

 

Here's another thing. Maybe I'm just weird but does anyone else ever feel like guys can smell insecurity? Let me clarify. Whenever I start to feel at all insecure or really into a guy it's like he can read my mind and he instantly grows distant. The strange thing is this seems to happen even when I don't betray any visible trace of insecurity. Even if I'm not talking to the guy because he's out of town he can somehow sense my insecurity from afar. I know I sound totally paranoid, but I swear to God there's some basis to this. I freakin' hate that because it makes me terrified of my own feelings since they become dangerous self fufilling prophecies. It's like the walls of my brain can't contain them and they leak out and affect things in the physical world. Man, I sound really crazy now, but it's true -- I swear! Then I'm thrown into a vicious cycle because the guy gets more distant and I get more insecure in response.

 

If this guy were to leave me I don't think I could ever love again. I would totally lose faith. I can't ever see myself risking being vulnerable with another person. The one time I was dumped it was by a guy I didn't care about that much and even that hurt like hell. I can't imagine the emotional damage being dumped by somebody I actually loved would cause. It doesn't seem like anything on earth could be more painful aside from the death of a close family member.

 

What I'm most scared of is he'll gradually grow more and more distant, stringing me along and never breaking things off out of guilt. I'll ask him if anything's wrong and he'll deny it. Finally, I'll break down and beg him to tell me the truth and he'll admit that his feelings changed for whatever reason. Then I'll break up with him because I can't bear being with somebody who doesn't love me. This is the worst case scenario. I've been in situations like this before with female friends and it's worse than a sudden, clean yet honest break. I hate the ambiguity, cowardice and dishonesty involved. In the aftermath you feel worse off than you were before because you have no clue why you didn't cut it. If you don't know what you did wrong, there's no way of fixing it. Instead you grow paranoid in any future relationships and become hypervigilant about detecting any early signs of distance.

 

Shadow, you're in love for the first time and your insecurities are based on your fears of losing him. But unlike what you are saying here, the fact of the matter is that even in the worst of all worst case scenarios, you would bounce back. You woud love again. So really, worrying about it is a counterproductive waste of time.

 

i think you may have a tendency to let your fears make you lose perspective of who you are, how strong you are, and how much power you have in this relationship. Yes, power. When I read your post I feel like you are putting yourself at the mercy of his feelings, when really you get to choose how you want to be treated in a relationship. In fact, that's why good communication is so important in relationships and it sounds to me like that is what your current partner is offering to you.

 

You are seeing too far ahead. You fear that his feelings will change, yet you have no idea how your own will evolve.

 

It sounds like you have been through some pretty traumatic experiences with your friends, experiences that are rather common, I think, when girl friends leave high school and start college. But don't assume that all friendships and relationships are like this. In fact, don't assume that those friends you have had a fallen out with are forever out of your life. And don't let those experiences inform how you go about thinking and living love.

 

I find that the best thing to do when I start feeling insecure is to change my train of thought by singing silly tunes. I also now know from experience that if things ended with my bf, I would be hurt but I would get over it. And therefore, when I start feeling insecure, I avoid trying to rationalize my insecurity (either by analysing his behavior or rationalizing why I would never love again). And then I remind myself to enjoy things as they are, for what they are. You are the only one who has control over these thoughts.

 

The silly tunes trick work wonders. The other day I was over at bf's place and he was acting rather distant because he had a lot of other things on his mind. I thought: oh no! so this is it, now he's got me and he's going to start ignoring me. I told myself, so what - he's allowed to think about something else- and started humming "good vibrations". It helped me get my mind off of the feelings of insecurity. When he came into the room, he looked at me and was like: you look happy! and gave me a big kiss and was gushy for the rest of the evening. I bet you if I had giving in to my insecurity he would have remained distant.

[BlueEyedGirl]

I have briefly dated a guy that I was really into. Now, this was after a string of guys I didn't care much about. It wasn't as long as your relationship, but it was very intense. Each day I would actually cry with fear of losing him, even when things were going well. I said number of times that if he leaves me I wouldn't be able to take it, I would never date again, I can't take anymore crap etc. And guess what, he left me. AND it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought. I even got over it in less than a week, and the fear of losing him was much worse than it actually happening. I think I have been preparing myself for it all along, so I have actually "grieved" even while still with him. Sort of like when family memeber is ill for a long time, and you get prepared for them dying so it doesn't hurt as much.

 

Having said all that, I really do not think that feeling like this is normal. But I find going to therapists completly useless so I don't see a way out...

[The Loacker]

As far as guys "smelling insecurity," I think this is what's happening: when you get insecure, you start to act differently. You might tell yourself you're not showing it, but the way you act, the things you say, all will betray your insecurities. You need to change that inner voice. It's the same with guys who aren't confident, but who pretend to be. You might think they're confident when you first meet them, but over time you can see through their facade.

 

I don't think your brain is leaking your thoughts to the outside world, but I think your actions are betraying what you're thinking. The only way to solve this is to get rid of your insecurities. I know this is easier said than done, but it CAN be done.

[shadowplay]

I have briefly dated a guy that I was really into. Now, this was after a string of guys I didn't care much about. It wasn't as long as your relationship, but it was very intense. Each day I would actually cry with fear of losing him, even when things were going well. I said number of times that if he leaves me I wouldn't be able to take it, I would never date again, I can't take anymore crap etc. And guess what, he left me. AND it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought. I even got over it in less than a week, and the fear of losing him was much worse than it actually happening. I think I have been preparing myself for it all along, so I have actually "grieved" even while still with him. Sort of like when family memeber is ill for a long time, and you get prepared for them dying so it doesn't hurt as much.

 

Having said all that, I really do not think that feeling like this is normal. But I find going to therapists completly useless so I don't see a way out...

 

I'm sorry to hear that, but glad you understand where I'm coming from. What reason did he give for leaving you?

[Trialbyfire]

The few times I've felt insecure in a relationship are the times that gut instinct has served me well.

 

Do you always feel this way in every relationship, shadowplay?

[shadowplay]

The few times I've felt insecure in a relationship are the times that gut instinct has served me well.

 

Do you always feel this way in every relationship, shadowplay?

 

No, I don't...but there are a lot of things different about this relationship. It's long distance so I only see him on weekends and I tend to do most of the obsessing when he's not around. Also, he's the first guy I've dated that I've been really into. In past relationships I was often fed up by now with the guy and didn't care what he thought. You may have a point, though. I'm just not sure what's causing the insecurity since there are so many variables.

[Trialbyfire]

No, I don't...but there are a lot of things different about this relationship. It's long distance so I only see him on weekends and I tend to do most of the obsessing when he's not around. Also, he's the first guy I've dated that I've been really into. In past relationships I was often fed up by now with the guy and didn't care what he thought. You may have a point, though. I'm just not sure what's causing the insecurity since there are so many variables.

Then it's time to break out the components that cause you discomfort and decide if they're your issues or his behaviours. If they're his behaviours and are small fixes, if he's committed to you, he will address them.

[uniqueone]

 

Here's another thing. Maybe I'm just weird but does anyone else ever feel like guys can smell insecurity? Let me clarify. Whenever I start to feel at all insecure or really into a guy it's like he can read my mind and he instantly grows distant. The strange thing is this seems to happen even when I don't betray any visible trace of insecurity. Even if I'm not talking to the guy because he's out of town he can somehow sense my insecurity from afar. I know I sound totally paranoid, but I swear to God there's some basis to this. I freakin' hate that because it makes me terrified of my own feelings since they become dangerous self fufilling prophecies. It's like the walls of my brain can't contain them and they leak out and affect things in the physical world. Man, I sound really crazy now, but it's true -- I swear! Then I'm thrown into a vicious cycle because the guy gets more distant and I get more insecure in response.

 

 

You know what I've learned though......and still working on learning some more about....

 

Not all guys will do this. If you're finding guys that will sense insecurity and distance themselves from you, then you're finding the wrong guys.

 

You're busy placing the blame on yourself, Shadowplay.

 

If you're not feeling right about something and your partner's reaction is to distance himself from you, then that's HIM...not YOU.

[Timberlane]

I don't know, shadowplay, you sound a lot like a friend of mine that has an anxiety disorder and a little depression. It's very, very difficult to find the source of your emotions with those. Don't fear a break up just yet. Keep it together.

[BlueEyedGirl]

I'm sorry to hear that, but glad you understand where I'm coming from. What reason did he give for leaving you?

 

He just told me something very unspecific, like his feelings and priorities have changed and he doesn't think we are right for each other anymore.

 

BTW, I'm like this in every relationship when I'm really into the guy (luckily or unluckily I very rarely really like someone so it doesn't happen often).

 

Amazingly I have discovered recently that I'm like this even in work situation. I currently have a job that I love and am paranoid that I will get fired, that people are nice to me but talk crap behind my back etc. When any of my managers doesn't get back to me either by email or phone immedietly, I start thinking that they are about to fire me and get very depressed/anxious. Luckily I hide it all well, so noone knows this but me.

[uniqueone]

Amazingly I have discovered recently that I'm like this even in work situation. I currently have a job that I love and am paranoid that I will get fired, that people are nice to me but talk crap behind my back etc. When any of my managers doesn't get back to me either by email or phone immedietly, I start thinking that they are about to fire me and get very depressed/anxious. Luckily I hide it all well, so noone knows this but me.

 

Have you lost your job before? Have you had people talk crap behind your back before? If so, have you survived?

 

If you go through enough stuff and survive, it teaches you that you can get through anything. And if you can get through anything, then you don't need to get depressed or anxious about the possibility of it happening.

 

You say to yourself: "Who cares....I'll deal with it IF it happens." and you'll know that you WILL be able to deal with it....because you know you've made it through before.....and you'll make it through again.

[rickochet2]

I feel exactly how you are feeling right now shadowplay, except that i'm the guy and i'm the one who's becoming paranoid about my relationship with my girlfriend. It's also long distance and I'm in another country which means it'll be months before I see her again. I hate it because her leaving me is a constant thought in my head. I also hate the fact that I can't pinpoint a reason as to why I'm feeling like this. What makes matters worse is that these insecure thoughts are the thoughts that usually happen. I'm really afraid afraid of driving my girlfriend away if I force myself too much to her. I guess the best advice that I can give both of us is that we CAN NOT let our insecurities get the best of us. I know that's very hard to do but sometimes the way we lose things is to want it too much.

[squeak]

He just told me something very unspecific, like his feelings and priorities have changed and he doesn't think we are right for each other anymore.

 

BTW, I'm like this in every relationship when I'm really into the guy (luckily or unluckily I very rarely really like someone so it doesn't happen often).

 

Amazingly I have discovered recently that I'm like this even in work situation. I currently have a job that I love and am paranoid that I will get fired, that people are nice to me but talk crap behind my back etc. When any of my managers doesn't get back to me either by email or phone immedietly, I start thinking that they are about to fire me and get very depressed/anxious. Luckily I hide it all well, so noone knows this but me.

 

hey-that made me feel better-I'm like that at my job too!

The more I like and value it, the more I cower and simper and worry and fret waiting for the ax due to one misstep!