I feel....a little better? (a cookie if you read all of it!!)

[Steffie575]

So yesterday was my birthday. I made a post on here because I was so sad and depressed and I couldnt stop crying. (Thanks for making me feel better everybody!) I just gotta post what happened.

 

So heres the thing. My ex of 6 yrs and I broke up 2 months ago and I have been hurting majorly as everyone knows from my posts. At first I texted and called everyday trying to talkin to him and he ignored me. So in my hopeful state I started NC and was successful with not contacting him for about a month. The sole reason for the NC? I had this idea that if I didnt try to talk to him for a month, he would miss me on my birthday and call me then. So almost the whole day passes yesterday, no call from him. So I cave in and write: "So no call even on my birthday?" and he responds, "Sorry, happy birthday Stephanie." My heart is pounding seeing an actual text from him...and I write back: "Can you call me? Please? Its my birthday." He then texts: "I cant. And it wouldnt be a good idea because you know what would happen."

 

I shouldnt have done that. But its obvious he wouldnt have even texted me had I not done it first. And that last one was the last one he sent. So, since I knew the whole "birthday call" wish I was hoping for wasnt gonna happen...I decided to send a nice, long text (as long as it could go!) describing ALL my feelings for him. He didnt respond, but it felt great. I figured, the NC thing I was doing for my bday was already ruined, so what was I waiting for now? Nothing, so I just did it.

 

And I feel...better. Dont get me wrong, Im still sad. And I still want him back. But that weird....hope I had before my bday isnt torturing me anymore. I sent him a final text after he wouldnt pick up the phone today that said, "I love you Adam, but I need to let you go. This hurts too much and im torturing myself. I want you to be happy, I wish it was with me." And today I finally took the horribly sad song I had on my Myspace off. It always made me cry and think of him. Im starting to realize that even though I dont want to move on from him, I may have to. He doesnt want me, he chose her. If I move on with my life, who knows? He may come back to me. He may not. But either way I need to start working towards a happier self and STOP torturing myself on purpose. This forum is really helping, and Id like to thank everyone for that. XOXO

[ncpd25]

Hey Steffie,

 

Read your post, you and I are just about in the same place as far as NC is concerned. I was feeling miserable for quite a while but, yesterday wasn't all that bad. Today is not bad either. I can imagine how you've been feeling.

 

I think the fact that you made contact was O.K.- you seemed to handle it well. I would think that maybe it gave you a bit of closure? Your ex appeared to be honest with you in his response and didn't try to play headgames with you. That's a plus, I think!

 

I think my biggest thing right now is, I continue to try and figure what happened between my ex and I. Why she was so into me and a couple of days later, she did a 180. I think I know (her divorce, breaking up with her boyfriend etc...she lied to me about a lot of this stuff). I still wonder if that's why she left or not. I'm trying to force myslf to wipe it from my mind and concentrate on myself. I might be getting a German Shepherd puppy this weekend!! At least I'll know the dog will always be there for me and not lie to me!! There's a lot to be said for loyalty and trust.

 

You should try and take the texts with a grain of salt and try to move on. For your own sake. You live in sunny Florida. Go for a walk or do something else you enjoy outside. Try to take your mind of of the issues at hand. Sure they'll be ups and downs but, once you get to the point where "ups" outweigh the "downs" you'll begin to see you're on you way to moving forward. Take some time to yourself and heal. Then, the best is yet to come!!!

 

I use to work in Florida, by the way!!

 

As for my cookie, I would like an Oreo (My friend use to eat those on the way to the dentist office for a cleaning!!)

[Crestfallen_KH]

Steffie -

 

There you go. =)

 

I had to get to that place too. I kept believing in my heart for several weeks that we were still somehow a couple, just "temporarily apart." I kept thinking he would change his mind, miss me, and give me a call. As long as I believed that, I was only able to heal to a certain point.

 

And when I finally had my breakthrough - that we are no longer a couple, that he wasn't going to call, that he has to be free to live his own life and make his own choices - that I was able to start letting go. I can't control the situation or influence his choices or keep hanging on. I have to let go.

 

And when I started doing that, my healing moved to the next level. And it sounds like that is the case with you, too.

 

Now, go back to NC and focus on yourself. Good luck!